Wedding Woes

I'd not invite them and tell everyone why.

Dear Prudence,
During a family reunion two years ago, two of my male cousins sexually harassed (and attempted to assault) my younger brother’s then-girlfriend, A. The cousins got “a talking-to” but experienced no negative consequences, and many in our family blamed A for it. As a victim of assault myself, I made it clear that I never want to see either of these people again, which I have managed to do. Now I’m engaged myself and putting together a guest list for the wedding. I would love not to invite these cousins—but I am close with their sisters and my aunt and uncle, none of whom (as far as I know) are aware of the situation. My parents and my fiancé said they’d support me in whatever decision I make, but I don’t know if my stand is worth the ensuing family drama. Am I betraying myself and A if I just invite them and ignore them?

—Welcome to the Wedding?

Re: I'd not invite them and tell everyone why.

  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    member
    No way in hell I'd invite them! If they did it before, they'll do it again. If anyone asks, tell them why you don't want them there.
  • mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    During a family reunion two years ago, two of my male cousins sexually harassed (and attempted to assault) my younger brother’s then-girlfriend, A. The cousins got “a talking-to” but experienced no negative consequences, and many in our family blamed A for it. As a victim of assault myself, I made it clear that I never want to see either of these people again, which I have managed to do. Now I’m engaged myself and putting together a guest list for the wedding. I would love not to invite these cousins—but I am close with their sisters and my aunt and uncle, none of whom (as far as I know) are aware of the situation. My parents and my fiancé said they’d support me in whatever decision I make, but I don’t know if my stand is worth the ensuing family drama. Am I betraying myself and A if I just invite them and ignore them?

    —Welcome to the Wedding?

    I'm really confused - how do the aunt/uncle/sisters not know about this if everyone else does?

    I'm also fully in agreement with everyone - I'd only invite the non-molesters, and if anyone questioned it, i would be very clear as to why. 
    OliveOilsMomVarunaTTSP29
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited September 2016
    *Barbie* said:
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    During a family reunion two years ago, two of my male cousins sexually harassed (and attempted to assault) my younger brother’s then-girlfriend, A. The cousins got “a talking-to” but experienced no negative consequences, and many in our family blamed A for it. As a victim of assault myself, I made it clear that I never want to see either of these people again, which I have managed to do. Now I’m engaged myself and putting together a guest list for the wedding. I would love not to invite these cousins—but I am close with their sisters and my aunt and uncle, none of whom (as far as I know) are aware of the situation. My parents and my fiancé said they’d support me in whatever decision I make, but I don’t know if my stand is worth the ensuing family drama. Am I betraying myself and A if I just invite them and ignore them?

    —Welcome to the Wedding?

    I'm really confused - how do the aunt/uncle/sisters not know about this if everyone else does?

    I'm also fully in agreement with everyone - I'd only invite the non-molesters, and if anyone questioned it, i would be very clear as to why. 
    Yeah, it's not clear.  The LW didn't explain details well.  

    Also, A is the former GF of her brother.  So I get 'taking a stand', but if A isn't going to be at the wedding, it's about the LW more than A.  And that's FINE, but I wouldn't drag her into it at all since it seems that she's no longer a part of the family's life.  
    VarunaTT
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    I was wondering the same as MrsConn and Barbie, how do the sisters and aunt/uncle NOT know?  They had a talking to, but who did the talking to?  Because if I were the one who did the talking to, I would then go up to at least the parents to inform them of what happened.  That way they can re-enforce any issues they see AND punish the sons themselves.  The reason they may have not had any negative consequences is because the parents didn't know (this is assuming the cousins were under 18 at the time).

    However, at this point in time, I would not invite the brothers and when the rest of the family questions it.  Then LW should explain why she no longer wants to associate with them.

    VarunaTTOurWildKingdomkimmiinthemitten
  • I do think "how old were these guys" is a legit questions.
    Not because how peope act at 16 isn't indicitive of important stuff--nor does it require forgiveness, but it's a bit more...Ii dunno, less about fully formed character than if they did it at 26
    mrsconn23
  • I wouldn't invite them and make it clear why. Why put yourself through having to deal with being nice?
  • I don't disagree that assault is assault--but I think there's a problem w/ our justice system that goes for life in prison for crimes at age 14...
    And in that same vein, I  do think cutting people off from familial support and contact in perpetuity might be fraught.

    I know, that's going to be an immensely unpopular opinion.
    And I'm not at all saying to invite them--I'd think for broken stair reasons it's a bad idea to invite.
    But I think that might color how far and wide to spread the true tale.  Which, I know, is right back into broken stair territory, so maybe I'm arguing against myself.
    (If it's big enough to ostracize them over, I'd think it's big enough someone should have told their parents by now though)

    Maybe I just unpopularly and problematically and obnoxiously see it grayer.

    mrsconn23
  • Barbie, I agree. How do the parents not know about what happened?
    image
    SP29
  • GBCK said:
    I don't disagree that assault is assault--but I think there's a problem w/ our justice system that goes for life in prison for crimes at age 14...
    And in that same vein, I  do think cutting people off from familial support and contact in perpetuity might be fraught.

    I know, that's going to be an immensely unpopular opinion.
    And I'm not at all saying to invite them--I'd think for broken stair reasons it's a bad idea to invite.
    But I think that might color how far and wide to spread the true tale.  Which, I know, is right back into broken stair territory, so maybe I'm arguing against myself.
    (If it's big enough to ostracize them over, I'd think it's big enough someone should have told their parents by now though)

    Maybe I just unpopularly and problematically and obnoxiously see it grayer.

    I think you're approaching it from a viewpoint of, "Could this be fixable?"  Because as the mom of a 15 year old boy, I want to believe that there are a lot of things that we could fix in him, if he was headed down a bad path, before he becomes a fully formed adult.  

    Would I be incredibly disappointed and wondering where the fuck we went wrong and how could he *do* something like that?  You bet your sweet ass.  

    But yes, intervention and 're-programming' *could* happen, IF the parents were willing to make their kid get help. 

    This has nothing to do with the victim OR the LW or victim blaming, and I don't think the LW should extend an invite, but saying everyone needs to 'give up' on them is a little harsh, especially if they are young men. That's all.

    (I'm NOT saying anyone said for everyone to abandon them.) 
    ShesSoColdSP29
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    mrsconn23 said:
    GBCK said:
    I don't disagree that assault is assault--but I think there's a problem w/ our justice system that goes for life in prison for crimes at age 14...
    And in that same vein, I  do think cutting people off from familial support and contact in perpetuity might be fraught.

    I know, that's going to be an immensely unpopular opinion.
    And I'm not at all saying to invite them--I'd think for broken stair reasons it's a bad idea to invite.
    But I think that might color how far and wide to spread the true tale.  Which, I know, is right back into broken stair territory, so maybe I'm arguing against myself.
    (If it's big enough to ostracize them over, I'd think it's big enough someone should have told their parents by now though)

    Maybe I just unpopularly and problematically and obnoxiously see it grayer.

    I think you're approaching it from a viewpoint of, "Could this be fixable?"  Because as the mom of a 15 year old boy, I want to believe that there are a lot of things that we could fix in him, if he was headed down a bad path, before he becomes a fully formed adult.  

    Would I be incredibly disappointed and wondering where the fuck we went wrong and how could he *do* something like that?  You bet your sweet ass.  

    But yes, intervention and 're-programming' *could* happen, IF the parents were willing to make their kid get help. 

    This has nothing to do with the victim OR the LW or victim blaming, and I don't think the LW should extend an invite, but saying everyone needs to 'give up' on them is a little harsh, especially if they are young men. That's all.

    (I'm NOT saying anyone said for everyone to abandon them.) 
    I think if you're a teenager who believes this type of behavior is acceptable and allowed, you're likely coming from a home that also taught you that women are objects and that you are entitled to them and therefore the parents would not be of much real help.

    Look at Brock Turner for example.  When caught in the act he ran, but under the protective shelter of his parents it was "20 minutes of fun" and "drunken antics."
    image
    mrsconn23charlotte989875eileenrobSP29
  • mrsconn23 said:
    GBCK said:
    I don't disagree that assault is assault--but I think there's a problem w/ our justice system that goes for life in prison for crimes at age 14...
    And in that same vein, I  do think cutting people off from familial support and contact in perpetuity might be fraught.

    I know, that's going to be an immensely unpopular opinion.
    And I'm not at all saying to invite them--I'd think for broken stair reasons it's a bad idea to invite.
    But I think that might color how far and wide to spread the true tale.  Which, I know, is right back into broken stair territory, so maybe I'm arguing against myself.
    (If it's big enough to ostracize them over, I'd think it's big enough someone should have told their parents by now though)

    Maybe I just unpopularly and problematically and obnoxiously see it grayer.

    I think you're approaching it from a viewpoint of, "Could this be fixable?"  Because as the mom of a 15 year old boy, I want to believe that there are a lot of things that we could fix in him, if he was headed down a bad path, before he becomes a fully formed adult.  

    Would I be incredibly disappointed and wondering where the fuck we went wrong and how could he *do* something like that?  You bet your sweet ass.  

    But yes, intervention and 're-programming' *could* happen, IF the parents were willing to make their kid get help. 

    This has nothing to do with the victim OR the LW or victim blaming, and I don't think the LW should extend an invite, but saying everyone needs to 'give up' on them is a little harsh, especially if they are young men. That's all.

    (I'm NOT saying anyone said for everyone to abandon them.) 
    I think if you're a teenager who believes this type of behavior is acceptable and allowed, you're likely coming from a home that also taught you that women are objects and that you are entitled to them and therefore the parents would not be of much real help.

    Look at Brock Turner for example.  When caught in the act he ran, but under the protective shelter of his parents it was "20 minutes of fun" and "drunken antics."
    I completely agree with you.  

    But I understand where GBCK's nuanced opinion is coming from.  
    kimmiinthemittencharlotte989875SP29
  • broken stair:  http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html
    (which is actually missing.  apparently I meme badly)

    OurWildKingdom
  • When she says that that the aunt/uncles/sisters aren't aware of the situation, is she referring to not the event itself but to her opinion on the event?  As in, they know it happened, but they don't realize how bothered LW is about it?  Maybe the problem is that they don't care, and therefore they will be confused that LW does care.  Maybe I'm just reading into the fact that these boys only got a "talking to".  It's possible that, like so many other cases of sexual assault or attempted sexual assault, the perpetrators just got a slap on the wrist and no one thought it was a real problem.
    Completely unrelated, but I was watching the movie "Beethoven's 2nd" the other day, which is a kid's movie, and there is a scene in which a rape is clearly about to happened, and it is played off as a comedic moment.  That movie ended up being more disturbing than I remember ... why does our society keep thinking sexual assault isn't a big deal?  
    imageimage
    short+sassy
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards