Need to get something off my chest. MIL rant

Jstump2

Since it's been slow around here..Where did everyone go? I'll try to spice things up with a MIL rant. I try not to rant about her to my friends/family because I don't want them to completly hate her (would just make things harder for me in the long run) so I need someone to vent to!

Where do I start...I have never had a real issue with my MIL, when me and H first started dating she was always very welcoming to me. I have seen how quickly she can turn cold on people in her life when they go against her though and have always kept that in the back of my mind.

My parents didn't really like her from the start. Nothing specific but I could just tell neither party really liked eachother. It was fine though, we just always kept things pretty seperate. At the wedding activities they were cordial nothing more.
Fast forward to the day my Daughter was born. I was induced for medical reasons. So everyone knew the date ahead of time. My MIL and FIL got at the hospital at 7am (same time as I was admitted) I didn't really care I figured if they wanted to wait in the waiting room that long that was their choice. My parents stayed by their phones and once I was in active labor they came to the hospital. I was in Labor for about 12 hours total.
Well at some point during my labor my H asked me who I wanted to come back first. I hadn't really thought it was a question-Of course my mom/parents. He seemed uncertain. I asked if he thought his Mom would have an issue with that hen maybe he should talk to her ahead of time. He said no it was fine.
My beautiful daughter was born at 7:50p.m. and after we had an hour together as a family, the nurse went to the waiting room to get my parents. They came back, held their granddaughter..but I kept them to 15 minutes because I knew his parents were waiting.
The nurse calls that his parents can come now. We wait a few minutes and no one comes. They LEFT! My H calls his mom she is crying and after a few minutes he talks to his dad and they come back.
I'm still not sure what happened. My parents think they were mad they weren't let back first. I guess a comment was made in the waiting room when they got called back. "Really?! We have been here all day"
My H told me they were upset because they thought they weren't being allowed to see the baby at all.
I'm not sure what exactly happened but the next day my MIL apologizes and I decided to move on.
Of course since that day My parents hate his parents and his parents hate mine. And I feel so bad that my Baby will be stuck in the middle. I am now dreading her first birthday and don't even want to have a party if it means both sets of parents being together.

AlPacina

Awww, lady, that's so hard! I know for a fact that after labor I'd want MY MOM there to comfort me a little before I'd be ready to see others, haha. But that miscommunication at the hospital is probably straining things a little.

Maybe coming up to some group event like the birthday you can make an effort to do something individually with your MIL before it comes? Have a phone convo about party themes? Go together to buy a cake? Just the little stuff that gives her that extra feeling of inclusion could be helpful in helping her to enjoy the joint events.

We're going to get our parents together for the first time at Thanksgiving this year. I'm so nervous! I have a feeling my sister will get super drunk and tell embarrassing stories about me, and my mom will want to micromanage everything, including my other guests, haha.

speakeasy14

Ugh that is super sucky.  Luckily, they do not have to spend large amounts of time together, and I'm sure will be cordial in the few instances they have to be in the same room.  Have there been any instances that both families have been together since she was born?  How has your MIL been since that incident?

When my niece was born, my BIL decided his mom was going to be in the delivery room.  My sister was angry, but exhausted and said fine she had to stay behind her shoulders.  His mom was first to hold the baby (actually took her from the nurses and brought her to my BIL's brother, who was waiting in the hall all before my BIL or my sister even held their daughter).  It upset my mom (who was also in the delivery room), but because my sister didn't flip out, my mom just let it go.  My sister is neighbors with her in laws so we see them a lot.  Now everything is about the baby and everyone gets along. 

Jstump2

Thanks. It was cathartic to type that out. I am proud of myself for keeping it together at the hospital. I mean I just spent 12 hours pushing a human out and you want to get upset over who got to come in the room first, really?! They have not seen each other since. Luckily they live 45 minutes apart and not very many occasions arise that they have to see each other. But I know there will probably be times in the future since they share a grandchild. I just want everyone to focus on her and get along. They don't have to be friends, kind of like how divorced parents make it work for the kids. 

Jstump2

@AlPacina Good luck having the inlaws meet! I hope everything goes good. It is such a nerve-wracking thing. I keep going back thinking if I could have done things different to get everyone to get along. But they are very different people and me and H fall somewhere in the middle.

Jstump2

Part 2 of the rant. LOL. Inlaws are hard.

Recently my MIL has been getting bent out of shape because we are doing things different with baby A than what she did with her kids/we don't always take her advice. Now most communication comes through my H so it might come down to the way he's saying it. IDK.
For example:
We are going to breastfeed/give breast milk to baby A. It has been proven to be very beneficial to baby. MIL formula fed.

When Baby A is at your house and goes down for naps please put her in a sleep sack don't give her a blanket or stuffed animals that can pose a risk of suffocation. She put her kids to bed with blankets
Most recently she asked to give her a teething biscuit. After looking up the ingredients I saw it had corn syrup/artificial ingredients. My H said baby A could have teething biscuits but we prefer to make them homemade so we could control the ingredients.
MIL said she feels like we are always telling her everything she did was bad/wrong and her feelings are hurt. I am trying to see it from her perspective so I'm thinking we just need to start wording things different? Because it's a fact of life that every generation is going to do things a little different when it comes to raising kids.
I usually let my H talk to his parents and I talk to mine but should I step in and play peacekeeper or give my H some tips for how to tell her what we want without offending. He is kinda straight the point,  matter-of-fact about things. Maybe make a bigger deal about asking her advise on less important things? lol

PamBeesly524

This sounds really tough. Have you (or really your H) ever sat down with MIL and talked frankly about everything? I can understand wanting to parent your way and ensure your baby is being treated the way you want her to be, but you can't micromanage everything and never talk about it - it will drive both of you crazy!

For example, if it were me and MIL was babysitting my child and getting upset about my choices:

Me: MIL, I've noticed that recently you seem to get upset whenever we disagree on Baby A's care. Does it bother you that H and I have specific ways of doing things for her? H and I have done our research and have decided that this is how we want to raise her. I'm sorry if it bothers you, but we feel very strongly about these things. I hope you don't mind following our direction when she stays with you.

If MIL continues to want to do or to do things her way, you can't stop her. If you can't let the little things slide, or the things are too big to let slide, I would tell her that you would prefer to hire a babysitter the next time you need baby A watched. That would be my last ditch attempt.Not sure if that's harsh or not, but if I'm irritated with a loved one I'm not the kind of person to sit on it, I talk to them about it so it can get worked out.

Jstump2

The positive thing is MIL does do what we ask(that I know of) when she watches baby A. She checks with us if she's not sure. I think she is just the type of person that feels validated when people go to her for advise and we haven't done that a ton because we do a lot of research and things have changed a lot in 30 years. I hadn't noticed her getting upset when I talk with her about our childcare preferences. We even laughed about how many times the back/tummy sleep recommendation has changed. but I guess it's been bottling up? I guess now that I think about it she might censor herself a little around me. Because when he told her the teething biscuit thing she kind of had a meltdown. He said they had a long talk and seems to think things will be okay from here on out but I'm skeptical.