On tiered receptions

Knottie1474176887

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

ShesSoCold

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

To the bolded, oh please spare me. This isn't easy going and untraditional, its self important and rude to those you supposedly like.

No one thinks tiering your reception is akin to bullying someone, thats ridiculous. And yeah, of course your friends and loved ones didn't tell you to your face that they side eyed your plans. The ones that didn't comment - those are the ones thinking your plans reek.

You are basically telling those that you invite to only part of the day 'I don't like you enough to pay for your dinner, but come and make up numbers later'. Sure, maybe some people won't be bothered, but many will. I just don't understand why someone would think that was worth it. 

lyndausvi

You know there are ways to stick to your budget and includes everyone, right?    

charlotte989875

I honestly have no idea what the point of this was, other than to elicit a reaction to which the OP can then say she was bullied because people are going to tell her she's wrong. 

banana468

Oh please.

Your friends and family are less likely to tell you that you look fat in that dress, the color isn't flattering on you and that you just treated them badly.

That doesn't mean that the dress is the right size or the right color and it doesn't mean that what you're doing is right or even nice.

drunkenwitch

Sugar, if people disagreeing with you on the internet is "bullying" you need to grow a thicker skin. Also, take 5 minutes and google stories of people who have actually been bullied, not called out on bad ideas.

Also, don't you love how people determined to do something rude always call it "laid back" or "nontraditional".  Rude is rude now matter what kind of polish you use on a turd. 

I prefer my circle of friends, who treat people with respect. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

If lurkers are considering a tiered reception, they should continue to feel discouraged. . . because it's an awful idea.

DO NOT have a tiered reception.

If you can only afford to pay for X number of people to eat and have drinks at your reception, then you can only afford to invite X number of people to your ceremony and reception.

Or you need to find a cheaper venue, a cheaper caterer, scale back on the flowers, decor, etc. so that you can afford to host more people.

lyndausvi

PrettyGirlLost said:

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

If lurkers are considering a tiered reception, they should continue to feel discouraged. . . because it's an awful idea.

DO NOT have a tiered reception.

If you can only afford to pay for X number of people to eat and have drinks at your reception, then you can only afford to invite X number of people to your ceremony and reception.

Or you need to find a cheaper venue, a cheaper caterer, scale back on the flowers, decor, etc. so that you can afford to host more people.

geebee908

You know she didn't specify which friends would be second-string when she put out her hypothetical question. The friends that responded positively think that they'll make the cut. I bet they won't be so positive after they find out they made the dance-only list.

downtondiva

Let me preface this by saying I just explained to my husband what a tiered reception was and he was outraged. It was quite the rant, lol. 

But there's a reason he thought it was so terrible: because it is. This is like telling people they can come over for drinks but have to leave before dinner because only certain people are allowed to stay for dinner. Would you do that? You are telling your guests who are only invited to part of the event that they aren't important enough to you to include in the entire thing, which is just plain wrong. 

And I've got news for you: there were probably people who saw your Facebook post and thought a tiered reception was an awful idea but were too polite to say anything. I've seen plenty of things mentioned on Facebook, including about weddings, that I thought were rude but I didn't say anything because I figured the ensuing debate was a waste of my time. Just because some of your friends thought it was a great idea doesn't make it okay...and how will those friends feel if they aren't allowed to have dinner at your wedding? 

If your budget is an issue, shorten the guest list or find a cheaper venue. I understand that weddings are expensive, but this isn't the way to fix it. 

Jen4948

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

If your point is to come here and insist on doing something that in thousands of posts has been declared as intensely rude and hurtful, you're not going to win any support for your position -- regardless of what you think your friends think, which may not be at all the same as what you think.

To those of you reading this thread -- this is terrible advice. Don't. Do. A. Tiered. Reception. IT'S RUDE.

MobKaz

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

So, you posed a theoretical question to obtain a realistic response? 

You posted your first discussion on The Etiquette Board about a hot topic that goes completely against etiquette.  You asked no question.  You encourage others to do something completely rude and ill mannered based on your theoretical question posed on Facebook.

What you post has absolutely nothing to do with bullying.  However, it is an excellent study in denial and poor hosting. 

kimmiinthemitten

geebee908 said:

You know she didn't specify which friends would be second-string when she put out her hypothetical question. The friends that responded positively think that they'll make the cut. I bet they won't be so positive after they find out they made the dance-only list.

This was my thought too. Wait until the find out they're on the B team and watch the side eying begin!

TheMostHappy15

This is so gross. Of course you got positive responses- few people are confrontational enough to speak up and say "Yeah, I think this is an insulting idea!" so they just scroll past while judging the shit out of you.

Sydney, go ahead and and list out all the people you consider "second-tier guests" on FB and see how warm the response is then. Will some of them still be fine with it? Sure. But I guarantee you're going to hurt some feelings and I just don't get why you'd be okay with doing that to people you at least care enough about to want to invite to some part of your wedding (barf).

Bottom line- this is a bad idea and you should feel bad. 

ei34

I like how she lists positive qualities like being easy going as her downfalls.  OP you're realistic enough to understand that B-listing is okay if it gets more guests into your wedding...kind of like how Trump is savvy enough to not pay his taxes.  Score!

As a guidance counselor, I don't take bullying or throwing the word around lightly.  I find your sentence about bullying to be random.  Yes, if Johnny is unintentionally hurting Jimmy's feelings, it's not bullying.  You're planning on doing something that will hurt feelings, and you know it.  (Although I guess those who don't like your plan are too uptight and traditional.)  And people on the internet who disagree with you are the bullies? 

drunkenwitch

lyndausvi said:

You know there are ways to stick to your budget and includes everyone, right?    

But but but but, then she can't have the photo booth, and monogrammed robes, and etched mason jars with burlap, and centerpieces with live fish and orchids, and a butterfly release, and the artesian hand crafted unity candle...WHAT ABOUT HER VISION???!!!

MesmrEwe

Very few people IRL, when their real name is tied to an opinion will give you their honest opinion.  Post something moderately political issue - the only people who will respond are those who agree with.  Most of the people who really want to say "that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard" will delete their actual opinion long before you have a chance to get it.

Tiered receptions are RUDE!  We have a budget board with posters who will be glad to help you get your budget and guest list to line up together for a beautiful wedding day and reception inclusive of ALL of your guests!  All caterers offer a "Budget Friendly option", you've just got to ask because usually the wedding menu is just the "Most popular" menu for that market.  Cut down on the flowers.  Get a cake from Sam's/Costco/BJ's/HyVee/etc.  Go for the important pictures in a 4-6 hour photographer instead of an all-day photographer.  Go with a community center, KC Hall, Lion's/Elks Hall, VFW/AmVet/Legion Hall instead of a fancy venue you can't afford to entertain 100% of your guests at!  People ultimately remember how they were treated by you the hostess.  If all you can afford for 100% of your guest list is cake and punch or pizza and beer, that's o.k.!  Own it - your guests will feel far less slighted than if you tier it up...

LondonLisa

Ok, so this is called 'confirmation bias' and it's a major logical fallacy. You assume everyone agrees with you since only people who agree with you responded. 

So your belief is it is all about intent of the actor, rather than the feelings of the victim. YOu think it is OK, because people shouldn't be hurt by your lack of planning, because you didn't hurt them on purpose (even though you have mountains of evidence to the contrary)?

Do you think people should be able to tell racist or misogynistic jokes at work since they're meant to be funny? I hope not- because it isn't about your intent, it is about how colleagues are made to feel listening to vile drivel. 

Do you think it is ok for children to invite everyone in their class bar 1 to their birthday because of budgetary reasons of the host? of course not, because how would that poor left-out child feel? You would either edit the guest list, or maybe scale back on some of the plans.

Do you host dinner parties and invite some people to come after the mains only for dessert because you can't afford to feed everyone steak? No! You host everyone you want to come even if it means making pasta. 

Also, tiered receptions are the antithesis of good budgeting. It says "I need to have a 3 course sit down meal more than I want your company-oh, and buy me a gift". 

Sorry, Sydney, you are unbelievably rude to put your mates on the spot like this and will lose mates over this tiered malarkey. 

climbingsingle

It's rude, tacky and against etiquette, and nothing will EVER change that. 

Also, your friends aren't going to tell you that what you're planning is rude. You posed the question neutrally? So, no one knows you're getting married, and they have no inkling you're referring to an event you're planning? OK. Sure. 

How would you feel if your friend had a catered party, with great food and free drinks. And your friend said, "Sydney, you can only come for the last hour and you can only have a dessert. But you still want to come, right????" 

Heffalump

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

[Deleted User]

I don't entirely understand the concept of tiered weddings. What is the purpose? Does that mean I would be invited to the ceremony but not the reception? Or I am invited to the cocktail hour but kicked out before the meal is served? Why would a couple want to do that to their loved ones? I truly can't wrap my head around this trend. Please explain. 

short+sassy

I'm guessing you are coming from the incorrect stance that B-list friends/family would rather be invited to some of your festivities rather than none at all?

You are quite mistaken.  I totally understand I am not invited to every wedding a friend or family member has.  There have even been a few times I was a bit surprised I did not receive invitation.  But it's all good, no offense taken.  However, if those same people had invited me to the ceremony and/or to the reception for only the drinks/dancing portion.  I would have been highly, HIGHLY offended.  Possibly friendship ending.  One of those, I wouldn't say anything, but I'd let the friendship wither away.

Would some of your friends prefer to be invited to some of the event, as opposed to not being invited at all?  Sure.  There are probably a few who would prefer that.  But the majority of people will be insulted.

I'll even play devil's advocate with you.  You think the majority of your friends wouldn't mind.  We'll go with that.  Let's say 80%-90% are super jazzed and enthusiastic that you are deigning to include them in some part of your special day, though not the whole she-bang.  Is it still worth inviting more people to a part of it if you are going to offend and hurt the feelings of the other 10-20%?  That would make no sense to me and is the opposite of the "inclusiveness" (I'm guessing) you are trying to foster.   

[Deleted User]

@WineAndLipgloss the ones I've heard of have the a list show up for the whole thing and then the b list shows up later in the evening after dinner is done for the dancing party part. So you save money by not having to pay for dinner for as many people but can still have a big dance party. 

levioosa

I went to a tiered wedding once.  I was one of the "special" guests who got to attend the full dinner portion.  I didn't even know what it was at the time, but I thought, "what the fuck, this is so rude.  So, what, these people get some cake and punch in the church basement and then we get to be shuttled to a nice hotel with full bar and dinner?  How did they tell their friends they weren't good enough for that?"  

That was the POV of a guest with the reception dinner.  I can't imagine how the people who weren't invited must have felt as they saw us transported to a better part of the wedding.  And this was in a large city, so they traveled out, paid for expensive parking, and then were told (via action) they weren't good enough to host as the rest of us.  While we got a full steak dinner, full open bar, nice hotel, and free transportation.  How fucking hurtful and rude.  They B & G could have had a lovely wedding that was either just cake and punch, or they could have scaled back and had a nice in-between gig.  FTR, based on the wedding and location, it must have cost around $60,000.  You cannot tell me for that amount they couldn't find a way to host everyone properly.  Whether you are spending $5K or $65, host your guests properly.  

LD1970

H and I sat down to put together our guest list.

Our DREAM guest list was over 325 people.
We could AFFORD 184 people.
We INVITED 184 people.

Because we know how to host a party.

SP29

When I was a teenager I was invited as a tiered guest to the reception (dance portion only). I was going with my then-bf's family, to his cousin's wedding. I'd never met them before, so it was no skin off my back what I thought of them or they of me. I also wasn't raised specifically being taught "X is good etiquette". I'm also young, and super relaxed. Even still, it left me with a weird feeling of "this isn't cool" and I felt bad for my bf's family (aunt and cousins of the bride!)- clearly they were second string.

MesmrEwe

My brother had a coworker who did this - chose a nice reception venue, had a very nice dinner, only told coworkers they only could afford cake & punch for all of their guests...  Coworkers all showed up at the designated time/location, gifts in-hand...  Waited... Waited... no one wedding related showed up.  There was a box of cupcakes on a table...  Still no one showed up, hour passed, finally one of his coworkers went to ask someone at the hall what was going on only to find a room full of people enjoying a steak dinner and enough empty seats that each and every one of them could have a place to be seated.  But nope, B&G could only afford "cake and punch".  He went back downstairs and told everyone else what was happening, another went up to confirm, came back, they all looked at eachother, grabbed a cupcake (because they were too cheap to order real cake with filling and portion like was going to be served upstairs!), and most of them proceeded to leave with their gifts in-hand.  That co-worker got the cold-shoulder and no one to cover for her every single holiday shift from then until she decided to leave (she didn't have seniority, the B-list tiered guests did in a profession that had she treated her coworkers like the rest of her guests enjoying a steak dinner, would have been a lifetime job but on principle every one of them treated her the way she'd treated them)...

CMGragain

Knottie1474176887 said:

I wanted to do a tiered reception because it helps with the budget. I found the most common responses on the blogs on this site extremely discouraging, so I decided to put it out there to my friend group. I made a post to all my friends on Facebook, asking for their opinions. I posed the question neutrally, asking people to share their concerns and opinions. I keep getting positive responses from people of all ages, that it sounds like a great way to be inclusive. 

I realize that my crowd of friends is largely likely to be like me. Easy going, pragmatic, less traditional. I didn't know for sure what they would say and I was prepared for both answers. 

To those of you who believe that in all cases tiered reception is a bad idea, thank you for the warning. This post is for any bride that has been considering this and is feeling discouraged. 

To quote my daughter's book on bullying, the difference between things that are bullying and those that aren't is that bullying is meant to be hurtful. I firmly believe, and it looks like most of my friends do as well, that having a budget and finding a way to be inclusive while sticking to your budget is not hurtful. Quite the opposite. 

Best Wishes to all!

Sydney

Troll?

If you are for real, have you considered having a wedding that you can afford which would include all of your guests without being rude to anyone?
1.  Budget.
2.  Guest list
3.  Look at these and decide what kind of reception you can afford that will serve everyone equally.  Brunch?  Afternoon tea?
Problem solved.

Luxy11

Look, I'm the first one to say that **Removed for ToS violation**. But...I can't even believe this is a thing you or anyone is considering. How weird will it be for people to arrive and realize that SOME guests just got finished eating dinner, and you didn't make that list? 

Don't do it. Cut guests if you have to. 

charlotte989875

Luxy11 said:

Look, I'm the first one to say that **Removed for ToS violation**. But...I can't even believe this is a thing you or anyone is considering. How weird will it be for people to arrive and realize that SOME guests just got finished eating dinner, and you didn't make that list? 

Don't do it. Cut guests if you have to. 

So your resurrected a dead thread and call us assholes? 

Your advice is sound, but what's with the need to insult posters on a two month old thread?