Oh sweet fancy moses

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I have been married for five years and have a 4-year-old son with my husband. I have been a stay-at-home mom until recently. I thought I had the perfect life until my husband sat me down and told me he had an affair, and now this woman is having his baby. I can’t tell you how devastated I am. My husband confessed to sleeping with this woman for several months before breaking it off. Then she got pregnant and blackmailed him for abortion money. My husband has given her nearly $1,000, only for her to take the money and change her mind. I hate my husband for letting this creature crawl into our marriage bed. I hate myself for still loving him. I hate that I can’t leave now—it is impossible financially.

We are trying to go to counseling, but this pregnancy is killing me. I don’t want this woman in our lives, and I don’t want to be responsible for her offspring. When I have vented this privately to my few friends, I get a shocked response like I kicked a puppy, because being a woman and a mother myself means anything less than loving this baby like my son makes me a horrible person. We are going to have to tell our families at some point, and it is just humiliating. I am angry and just want all this to go away and be done with, but it never will be. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

—Bastard in the Family

ShesSoCold

Woah.

LW's husband made his bed. It's up to LW to see if she wants to lie in it with him. Sounds like no. I mean, her husband can sign away rights and never see this kid again, but who wants to be with that kind of person?

But so if they do work on their marriage, blah blah, blah. Then what? This kid comes over every other weekend? Calls her kid "brother"? LW's gotta go to this kid's birthday parties and have the other woman and affair thrown in her face until she dies? Nope.

If I were LW, he'd be paying for the best lawyer I can find and HE would have to worry about financial stability because of all the money he'd be paying me in spousal support. Fuck this guy.

banana468

This is really awful all around.

I don't agree that infidelity is an immediate deal breaker but it certainly can be - and the child in here just makes it worse.

The  LW must face the fact that this kid will be in her child's life though.   How she wants to handle her approach to it is on her, but this will be her child's sibling and it's not going to work for her to say that the other child isn't welcome in her son's life.    

Before LW makes any major choices, I think she needs to talk to a counselor and not friends.

bleve0821

It makes me sad for LW that her friends are being so critical of her feelings.  It is unreasonable for them to expect her to embrace, as her own, the child her husband created by way of adultery.  That's fucked up on so many levels.  I could not imagine making any of my friends feel this way.

But, that being said, there is a chance this child will be part of her life, and she needs to find a way to bin her feelings.  The child is not at fault, here, and cannot be held responsible for the decisions her husband made.

DrillSergeantCat

I'd find new friends. Don't treat me like I kicked a puppy for having negative feelings about the spawn of an extramarital affair. I would not stay in this marriage. Like @ShesSoCold said, I'd go hire the best attorney I could find and I'd make him pay. HIS finances would no longer be of any concern to me.

Heffalump

What a disaster.  Do they even know if the other woman's kid is really his?  I mean, obviously he was cheating if he thinks it's his, but I would want to nail down whether he's dealing with one kid or two as part of the financial settlement.  I would also have my attorney hire someone to see exactly where that $1000 went.

Did I ever mention the whole mess with DH's cousin?  (The conspicuously pious minister, naturally.)  He cheated on his wife (mother of his 3 kids) with another woman and got her pregnant.  His wife was heartbroken.  When she poured out the story to her best friend, the best friend said "Uh, actually, I have something to confess, too..."  X(  I thought she might stay with him because she was always sort of Duggerish, but girlfriend found her cajones and pulled the plug.  Good for her, I say.

DrillSergeantCat

AtomicBlonde said:

It makes me sad for LW that her friends are being so critical of her feelings.  It is unreasonable for them to expect her to embrace, as her own, the child her husband created by way of adultery.  That's fucked up on so many levels.  I could not imagine making any of my friends feel this way.

But, that being said, there is a chance this child will be part of her life, and she needs to find a way to bin her feelings.  The child is not at fault, here, and cannot be held responsible for the decisions her husband made.

I literally would be telling my friend that I know a guy to fix her problem. There'd be no treating her badly. I might even accidentally run over her husband, the lying bastard. The way her friends are treating her makes me angry.

MesmrEwe

LW - needs to take charge.  It SUCKS trying to re-enter the work force after being a SAHM but many women do it rather successfully (sounds like she really can't afford to be an AHM if the finances are in that much disarray anyway).  The husband made his bed, and has some decisions to make.  The reality is that if the GF keeps the baby he's on the line for child support and the baby is going to be part of their lives if he decides to be involved whether she likes it or not. 

MissKittyDanger

This entire thing makes me think of one of the characters from the movie "9 to 5" ....

kimmiinthemitten

I actually know of three people this happened to!

The first was like this, except the other mom didn't want to keep the baby so they both signed away their rights.  They are still married and the wife still harbors resentment.  It was kept a secret until the child came forward and attempted a relationship with her siblings (which ended when she catfished them).

The second, the husband didn't come clean for years and didn't until his other kids (2) were old enough to enroll in school and with his last name.  It's a small community so he had to come forward or people would have put two and two together.  The wife immediately left him and is cordial to the kids because they're her children's siblings but that's it.

Well, the third one the couple wasn't married, was in college and on a break LOL.  They ended up married, she treats the kid like a normal stepkid and they lived happily ever after.

LW needs to decide what is best for her and if she can live with this.  If not, she needs to lawyer up and make the big moves now to ensure her own happiness and sanity.

*Barbie*

I'd have lawyered up, and hired someone to castrate the cheating bastard. 

charlotte989875

I'm really hoping that "bastard" in the signature is referring to her husband and not the unborn child. 

ShesSoCold

charlotte989875 said:

I'm really hoping that "bastard" in the signature is referring to her husband and not the unborn child. 

Yeah and "this creature" in their martial bed better be the other woman and not her fetus.

*Barbie*

ShesSoCold said:

charlotte989875 said:

I'm really hoping that "bastard" in the signature is referring to her husband and not the unborn child. 

Yeah and "this creature" in their martial bed better be the other woman and not her fetus.

That's how I read it (creature = mistress), but I think "bastard" in the signature refers to both the H and the fetus. Technically, it's applicable in both cases. 

crowsgirl15

I'm wondering if we're getting the whole story about the friends' reactions. I only say that, because this whole letter reads a lot like blaming the other woman for her husband's affair, and I wonder if the friends are basically saying "I mean, it's your husband's fault he cheated, not this woman's, and certainly not the child"...and then she's reading it as being critical of her feelings about the child.

Obviously, I don't actually know that...but the idea that her friends are telling her she must treat this child like it's her biological son reads false to me. I feel like they might just not be agreeing with her wholheartedly, and she hears it as them calling her a "horrible person".

All in all, I feel for this woman immensely, and I hope she finds the support system she needs. I believe that relationships can move past adultery, but I also think she has to realize that her husband is the one who betrayed her, not the stranger she refers to as a "creature". Your husband is the one who did this to you. While she certainly doesn't need to be this woman's best friend, and she doesn't sound like a great person, it feels like LW's anger is stronger toward the woman he cheated with than the person who did the cheating. And that's worrying to me.

short+sassy

Am I the only one who read this letter and thinks the H's mistress is completely lying about being pregnant?  She tells him she's pregnant and scams him for $1,000 AFTER he breaks up with her.  I'm calling total b.s.

If on the off chance she actually is pregnant and gives birth to a child, the H needs to order a DNA test pronto.  It may not even be his.

But all of that is aside from the fact that she needs to decide if she even wants to stay in the marriage.  I prescribe lots of counseling, either her alone or them together if they want to try and work things out. 

banana468

short+sassy said:

Am I the only one who read this letter and thinks the H's mistress is completely lying about being pregnant?  She tells him she's pregnant and scams him for $1,000 AFTER he breaks up with her.  I'm calling total b.s.

If on the off chance she actually is pregnant and gives birth to a child, the H needs to order a DNA test pronto.  It may not even be his.

But all of that is aside from the fact that she needs to decide if she even wants to stay in the marriage.  I prescribe lots of counseling, either her alone or them together if they want to try and work things out. 

I don't know that I believe anything said by a man who just confessed that he ignored his marriage vows.   

I hope he would get a paternity test just because that's a smart legal maneuver but the horse is out of the gate as far as his infidelity. 

CharmedPam

Heffalump said:

What a disaster.  Do they even know if the other woman's kid is really his?  I mean, obviously he was cheating if he thinks it's his, but I would want to nail down whether he's dealing with one kid or two as part of the financial settlement.  I would also have my attorney hire someone to see exactly where that $1000 went.

Did I ever mention the whole mess with DH's cousin?  (The conspicuously pious minister, naturally.)  He cheated on his wife (mother of his 3 kids) with another woman and got her pregnant.  His wife was heartbroken.  When she poured out the story to her best friend, the best friend said "Uh, actually, I have something to confess, too..."  X(  I thought she might stay with him because she was always sort of Duggerish, but girlfriend found her cajones and pulled the plug.  Good for her, I say.

wait, I'm confused @Heffalump, was her best friend the other women or did this happen to her as well, and they shared something in common? sorry if I'm so slow on catching on......

Heffalump

CharmedPam said:

Heffalump said:

What a disaster.  Do they even know if the other woman's kid is really his?  I mean, obviously he was cheating if he thinks it's his, but I would want to nail down whether he's dealing with one kid or two as part of the financial settlement.  I would also have my attorney hire someone to see exactly where that $1000 went.

Did I ever mention the whole mess with DH's cousin?  (The conspicuously pious minister, naturally.)  He cheated on his wife (mother of his 3 kids) with another woman and got her pregnant.  His wife was heartbroken.  When she poured out the story to her best friend, the best friend said "Uh, actually, I have something to confess, too..."  X(  I thought she might stay with him because she was always sort of Duggerish, but girlfriend found her cajones and pulled the plug.  Good for her, I say.

wait, I'm confused @Heffalump, was her best friend the other women or did this happen to her as well, and they shared something in common? sorry if I'm so slow on catching on......

Her husband cheated on her with the woman he impregnated, as well as with his wife's "best" friend, which is what the now-former bestie confessed to.  Quite possibly others, but at that point, she was out, regardless. 

CharmedPam

Heffalump said:

CharmedPam said:

Heffalump said:

What a disaster.  Do they even know if the other woman's kid is really his?  I mean, obviously he was cheating if he thinks it's his, but I would want to nail down whether he's dealing with one kid or two as part of the financial settlement.  I would also have my attorney hire someone to see exactly where that $1000 went.

Did I ever mention the whole mess with DH's cousin?  (The conspicuously pious minister, naturally.)  He cheated on his wife (mother of his 3 kids) with another woman and got her pregnant.  His wife was heartbroken.  When she poured out the story to her best friend, the best friend said "Uh, actually, I have something to confess, too..."  X(  I thought she might stay with him because she was always sort of Duggerish, but girlfriend found her cajones and pulled the plug.  Good for her, I say.

wait, I'm confused @Heffalump, was her best friend the other women or did this happen to her as well, and they shared something in common? sorry if I'm so slow on catching on......

Her husband cheated on her with the woman he impregnated, as well as with his wife's "best" friend, which is what the now-former bestie confessed to.  Quite possibly others, but at that point, she was out, regardless. 

That's what I thought I read.  How horrible!!! Glad she got out.