Thank you cards- from host or from bride?

speedyblazer11

hello everyone! Just trying to see if I have committed an etiquette crime about thank you cards.

I hosted a bridal shower for a close friend in June, her wedding was in July.  I made her thank you cards (did not fill them in or anything just handmade them) but to my knowledge she never sent them.  I never got one for the gifts that I got her, and I told her to let me know how many to make for the wedding gifts, and never heard from her about it.  

So my questions are: How long do you have after showers/ weddings to send thank you cards? and Should I have sent the cards for the shower I hosted?  My gut says no to the second as she was the receiver of said gifts, but I hate thinking that I may have dropped the ball. 

LtPowers

Thank-you notes are written by the recipients of kindnesses (such as gifts), not those who offer hospitality. Not only does she owe her guests thank-yous, she owes you one as well, for hosting the shower.

Miss Manners grants only enough time after a gift is received to find one's stationery and a pen.

banana468

Your friend needs to send them.   That said, I have given two shower gifts this year and I haven't received a TY note yet. 

DrillSergeantCat

You're off the hook on this one. You do not need to send thank you notes for someone else's gifts.

speedyblazer11

Thank you.  Just wanted to make sure I wasn't leaving anything hanging. 

short+sassy

LtPowers said:

Thank-you notes are written by the recipients of kindnesses (such as gifts), not those who offer hospitality. Not only does she owe her guests thank-yous, she owes you one as well, for hosting the shower.

Miss Manners grants only enough time after a gift is received to find one's stationery and a pen.

Love this!

And I agree with the other PPs.  TY notes should be written by the one who receives the gifts.

I remember growing up, for Christmas every year, one of my gifts was a pack of ty cards from my parents, lol.

jacques27

Since no one else has said this yet, I do hope that you're not still planning to make her thank you cards for her to (hopefully) use for her wedding gifts.  1) She clearly isn't interested since she never responded to the offer, and 2) She most clearly isn't interested since she never used the first ones to begin with.  I know the wedding is past, but just in case she's hit with a "D'oh, let's go see if speedyblazer11 can make me some now since I dropped the ball" remorse these several months later.

I'm going to assume that card making is a hobby for you otherwise and this isn't something you did because you thought it was some (b.s. made-up) duty to take care of for the bride.  Cause it isn't.  My guess is she is either rude and not planning to do it at all, or just slightly less rude and waiting to do a wedding picture thank you card instead of thanking people promptly.

levioosa

Wow.  Your friend seems super ungrateful.  You made her thank you notes and hosted a shower.  Definitely don't make her thank you cards for the wedding.  

sunflower0592

I often wonder if there are people out there who literally do not know that you need to write thank-you notes, especially for special events like showers, weddings, etc. The last two weddings I went to (and a shower for one of the weddings), I never received a thank-you note (we left a card with a check for both weddings and I sent a gift card for the shower) and no one else received thank-yous either. These aren't rude people in their normal lives but I really think they're just completely unaware of etiquette. I'm definitely not making excuses for why people don't send thank-yous, but it is something I've wondered about.

InLoveInQueens

sunflower0592 said:

I often wonder if there are people out there who literally do not know that you need to write thank-you notes, especially for special events like showers, weddings, etc. The last two weddings I went to (and a shower for one of the weddings), I never received a thank-you note (we left a card with a check for both weddings and I sent a gift card for the shower) and no one else received thank-yous either. These aren't rude people in their normal lives but I really think they're just completely unaware of etiquette. I'm definitely not making excuses for why people don't send thank-yous, but it is something I've wondered about.

I never got a thank you card from a wedding I went to ~3 years ago at this point. The bride's parents were invited to our engagement party and gave a beautiful gift that we sent a thank you card out for within a week. I made sure to put their card at the top of the pile since I wanted to send it asap and show that some people still have manners even if their kid doesn't. I also never got a thank you (or even an invitation, but that's another story) for my gift at my cousin's bridal shower. Not going to hold my breath for a thank you for our wedding gift, either. Might have to slyly tattle to my grandma about that, maybe she'll knock some sense into my cousin.

Some people are just oblivious to common courtesies and I don't understand it. My mom insisted I at least call if not write thank you cards for gifts I received. I still remember being pissy that I had to spend forever and a day (actually probably just an hour or two top) writing the thank you cards for my bat mitzvah, but I'm glad she instilled that on me.

It's really not that hard to remember get a gift -> send a thank you. I would have been alright with a phone call or even a text thanking me for my gift, at this point.

SP29

sunflower0592 said:

I often wonder if there are people out there who literally do not know that you need to write thank-you notes, especially for special events like showers, weddings, etc. The last two weddings I went to (and a shower for one of the weddings), I never received a thank-you note (we left a card with a check for both weddings and I sent a gift card for the shower) and no one else received thank-yous either. These aren't rude people in their normal lives but I really think they're just completely unaware of etiquette. I'm definitely not making excuses for why people don't send thank-yous, but it is something I've wondered about.

True, and I wonder this myself.

But you sent her the TY cards you made for the shower, and asked how many she would need for the wedding, so I think that would clue her in to, "Oh, maybe I should send these?".

speedyblazer11

No she isn't waiting to make a picture thank you card.  She isn't exactly thrilled with her wedding pictures and has not even printed them for herself.  I thought it might clue her in when I asked how many she needed for the wedding, but alas no such luck. Thanks for the replies and maybe this will be a good lesson for someone else out there. 

Linzrene

In the final season of "How I Met Your Mother" there is an entire episode about this. Marshall and Lily thought Ted didn't get them a wedding present because someone stole his card and put their name on his gift. They spent the next 5 or so years passive aggressively hinting about him not getting a gift. He was upset they never sent a TY note, so he was just as passive aggressive. 

Just send her a link to this episode on YouTube. Haha.

In all seriousness, it's very rude she hasn't sent the TY cards, but there is nothing you can do. You offered to help, she silently declined your offer. 

I was always under the impression etiquette gave you three months. I personally didn't wait that long. I even wrote the ones DH had said he wanted to do when we hit the 1.5 month mark and they weren't done. If her wedding was at the end of July, she's cutting it close, but still in this window. 

Knowing myself, if we're close enough I'm hosting her shower, I'd call her up and offer to bring over a bottle of wine, snacks, and help address envelopes. But I'd make her pick up TY cards at Target or something, I wouldn't make them. I'd call out my best friend. Again, that's just me, and I'd hope she'd call me out if I was making a big social faux pas. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I don't know where people have come up with the three month rule. I have always been told thank you should be sent out immediately or as soon as feasibly possible.