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I want to tell my maid of honor she's no longer my maid of honor. Help?

I'm getting married in one year just to preface this. I was so thrilled the day I asked my son to be sister in law to be my Makd of honor (MOH), since we're having a more small wedding she would be my only Bridal party member, which I'm ok with. I asked her because I felt close to her and to me she's going to be my sister soon. However, she's also getting married (over a year from now), and guess who's not even a bridesmaid? Yep, me but she has 9 bridesmaids! Needless to say I'm very hurt, especially since she specified she only chose the last two because she's in their wedding. Mind you, I asked her to be my MOH a month prior to her announcing her bridal party at her engagement party.

So basically now I don't want her as my MOH,
I gave myself a month to think all this over and I'm just too hurt. Clearly she doesn't feel the same about our relationship as I do and now I don't feel close to her at all and I don't want to feel pressure to keep her as my MOH when I really don't want to.  She hasn't paid for anything at all so no worries about financial loss for her, but I do have a feeling she's going to be mad (and probably her family too). However my fiancé agrees and he's very mad at his sister. He's in the wedding on her grooms side so he's mad that he will be stuck in the wedding party all night with one of her bridesmaids while I sit by myself somewhere. So what's the best way to have this conversation? Please don't try to talk me out of this, I've already made up my mind it's just now I need help on how to do it. I will not feel awkward on my wedding day by having someone as my MOH who I don't even feel close to. 
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Re: I want to tell my maid of honor she's no longer my maid of honor. Help?

  • You're going to be hard pressed to find someone on here that is going to tell you how to kick someone out of your bridal party, it's a friendship ending move and will likely have significant ramifications for your relationship with her in the future. If you're fine with something that will likely cause lasting damage, just because you weren't asked to be in her wedding, go right ahead. 

    I wouldn't typically recommend asking someone about their wedding party, but why not try having a conversation with her where you say you're hurt she told you she asked other people "just because she's in their weddings" when she didn't ask you and she's in your wedding. Don't ask her why you weren't included or why she didn't want you, but just tell her you're hurt and go from there. 
    SP29MairePoppyshort+sassy
  • edited October 2016
    I appreciate everyone's input but I feel I need to clarify a few things. I wasn't upset at all until she said that she only picked the last two due do "I can't not ask them, they asked me to be in theirs. I'm honestly not even close to them" I'm sorry but to me that's making it very clear that she doesn't care about me since she literally included two people she barely sees based solely on the fact that they asked her to be in their weddings the same month I asked her. How you guys wouldn't be offended by that I don't know.  When she added that it did hurt since she sees two people who she never sees as more important to be in her wedding instead of her FSIL who she sees at least once a month and goes out on outings with. I don't feel she owes it to me at all, I'm just saying that it hurt enough to make me not want her in mine. There's a few other reasons why I've made this decision that I didn't go into since it would take way to much explanation

    To address a few other comments, she DID impose herself to be in our wedding by dropping a lot of hints. Along with her mother and grandmother asking me "you're putting ____ in your wedding party right? She wants to be in it so bad and she will be your sister". So to me I thought if she wants to be in my wedding that bad then she would at least want me as a bridesmaid (plus as I said my husband (we will be married by then) is in it and she intends to have a bridal party table where they can't have dates with them, only bridesmaids and groomsmen. One other point  was a time where she said "I can't wait for you to help me plan my wedding and be a part of it". Side note: we haven't fought or anything to make her change her mind after saying that. I do understand the risks, but what's more important to me is having someone who I know cares about me by my side on this special day, not just someone to fill the spot. 
  • Your question is how to kick her out of your BP.  I would tell her, in person, something like the following: 
    "FSIL, I know we've been friends in the past but I believe our relationship has run its course.  I no longer wish to continue my friendship with you.  I will be cordial with you at family events, though I understand if you cannot be cordial with me.  I wish you the best.  Goodbye."
    You should only kick her out if you intend to sever your friendship with her completely (because that's what kicking someone out does), which is why I suggest the above phrasing.  If she is no longer your friend, it will follow naturally that she is no longer in your wedding.  Please talk with your FI about the consequences of this before hand, though.  Is FSIL close with her family?  You risk alienating FI's entire side for the rest of your life if that's the case, because they're going to side with her over you.  Is FI willing to jeopardize HIS relationship with his sister and family because of this?  Like @glasgowtolondon said, is this act of spite worth it in the long run, when you'll have to deal with holiday get-togethers and other family functions on his side?  Maybe FI doesn't really like his family and it won't matter to him.  But you both need to think this through before cutting her out of your life over a wedding.
    SP29cowgirl8238
  • edited October 2016
    Im sorry I should have included in my first post I have full intention to talk to her first about how I'm feeling but I just mean if It has to come to it I want to know the best way to do this. She's not the type to care a lot about what someone else thinks if she feels another way. She's nice but when she feels a certain way about something, no one else's opinion seems to matter. I understand it has its risks but on the flip side she didn't take me into consideration when she didn't include me in her BP or when she literally to my face said "I only chose ____ and _____ because they asked me last month to be in their weddings" then I casually asked when they asked her and she said the week after I asked her. So yes I'm not entitled to be in her wedding but it's shitty to tell someone that, at least that's my opinion. Because that's pretty much saying that you aren't as important as they are. We have a friendship which is why I was taken a back by her picking them over me since she hasn't seen the one girl in over a year.

    Yes I'm letting my anger get the best of me but I'm not thinking spurr of the moment or making a quick describing. This all happened a month ago and I've let myself have time to think on it. I haven't said anything to her nor have I treated her any differently but I don't feel we have a friendship now. I feel I made a huge mistake by asking her in the first place (multiple people told me not to, due to her attitude but since I feel she's becoming my sister I wanted to make her a part of the big day) but I feel I shouldn't have to pay for my mistake on my wedding day by having her in my wedding party if I don't want her. She is close with her family but so is my Fiancé. They're not the type to pick sides. 

    What I've considered saying to bring up the matter is this, "_____ I've been wanting to talk to you about something for a little while now but haven't had the right time to say it. I'll be straight out about it, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you didn't include me in your wedding day. I know not owed anything, but when you asked (my fiancé)___ I just thought I would also be included. But what hurts me the most is how you said you picked ____ and ____ due to them asking you to be in their weddings the same month/week I asked you to be my MOH."  I have put a lot of thought into making it as civil and discuss this as as possible before making an official decision and I realize my original post didn't make it look that way. 
    short+sassy
  • Im sorry I should have included in my first post I have full intention to talk to her first about how I'm feeling but I just mean if It has to come to it I want to know the best way to do this. She's not the type to care a lot about what someone else thinks if she feels another way. She's nice but when she feels a certain way about something, no one else's opinion seems to matter. I understand it has its risks but on the flip side she didn't take me into consideration when she didn't include me in her BP or when she literally to my face said "I only chose ____ and _____ because they asked me last month to be in their weddings" then I casually asked when they asked her and she said the week after I asked her. So yes I'm not entitled to be in her wedding but it's shitty to tell someone that, at least that's my opinion. Because that's pretty much saying that you aren't as important as they are. We have a friendship which is why I was taken a back by her picking them over me since she hasn't seen the one girl in over a year.

    Yes I'm letting my anger get the best of me but I'm not thinking spurr of the moment or making a quick describing. This all happened a month ago and I've let myself have time to think on it. I haven't said anything to her nor have I treated her any differently but I don't feel we have a friendship now. I feel I made a huge mistake by asking her in the first place (multiple people told me not to, due to her attitude but since I feel she's becoming my sister I wanted to make her a part of the big day) but I feel I shouldn't have to pay for my mistake on my wedding day by having her in my wedding party if I don't want her. She is close with her family but so is my Fiancé. They're not the type to pick sides. 

    What I've considered saying to bring up the matter is this, "_____ I've been wanting to talk to you about something for a little while now but haven't had the right time to say it. I'll be straight out about it, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you didn't include me in your wedding day. I know not owed anything, but when you asked (my fiancé)___ I just thought I would also be included. But what hurts me the most is how you said you picked ____ and ____ due to them asking you to be in their weddings the same month/week I asked you to be my MOH."  I have put a lot of thought into making it as civil and discuss this as as possible before making an official decision and I realize my original post didn't make it look that way. 
    The proposed conversation sounds good. Start with that and see what she says. I notice you don't mention in it kicking her out, so hold off on that. Since it sounds like your engagements and weddings are close together, I would be willing to bet that she didn't chose you to be in her wedding party on purpose. Maybe she thought you'd have enough going on? Just stick to telling her you're hurt and see where the conversation takes you. 
    SP29MairePoppyshort+sassy
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2016
    You have broken an important planning rule:  NEVER pick a bridal party until ten months prior to the wedding.
    You asked her too soon.
    You cannot take it back without causing a huge family row that will last for years.
    You have no right to expect to be in her bridal party.  To assume that you would be is very entitled of you.
    This is all on you.  Actions have consequences.  You asked her.  Now be gracious about it.
    You FSIL will be a member of your new family.  You had better be very careful about insulting her.  Put on your big girl panties and make nice.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SwissMs
  • I understand why you are hurt. It is always hard to feel like you are not as important to someone as they are to you, and I will say it was pretty indelicate of her to tell you the reason she included those last two bridesmaids, all things considered. I think telling her you are hurt and finding out why she didn't ask you to be in her BP is reasonable, but you're probably going to have to accept whatever reason she gives you if you want to move on from this. Same goes for your FI.

    And I completely agree with everyone else that you cannot ask her to step down from being your MOH, even if you are upset with her right now. The reality is that she technically didn't do anything wrong. Weddings are not tit-for-tat. You're not automatically required to ask anyone to be in your wedding just because you were in theirs. Besides, your wedding is one day, and kicking her out could have repercussions that will last for years. Do you really want to have to avoid your sister-in-law for the rest of your life? And would you replace her as MOH - because if you do, how is that person supposed to feel that they are only in your wedding because you had a falling out with someone? That's much worse of a reason to ask someone than "she asked me to be in hers so I had to ask her to be in mine." 
    image
    kimmiinthemittenInLoveInQueensSP29short+sassy
  • It is so fucking petty to make this a tit-for-tat thing and kick her out because she didn't ask you. I get that you're hurt, but try to take a step back and see how it looks from outside the situation. This is not middle school; you are both presumably adults since you are getting married.
    ^^^^^ This. Exactly this. All of it. 
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    OP - You are allowed to feel what you want over this situation.  It is your right to feel your feelings, but at the same time you need to look at the full on over all picture of this person being in your family for the rest of your life.  Could you imagine the strain that will happen if you kick her out of the wedding party?  And if you think your FMIL and FGMIL would not choose sides over this - is a bit short sighted.

    I also think you allowed your FMIL and FGMIL to influence your decision of your BP.  Did FSIL actually say she wanted to be in your WP?  Or was it only FMIL and FGMIL?  If its the latter, than you let their influence allow you to feel this way now.  If you had just chosen the person who is truly your nearest and dearest (which it doesn't sounds like FSIL ever was), this situation wouldn't even be a blip on your radar.

    Now, as for FSIL's wedding.  As it gets closer, your FI should tell his sister that under no circumstance is he going to be seated away from his wife during the reception.  That no matter what FSIL wants to do with the WP seating, your FI will take his plate and chair and go sit next to you.  End of story.  My sister tried to change the WP seating from being with their SOs to a head table.  I gave her a what for and told her I would scarf down my food and leave immediately to be with my H.  And I used a phrase frequently said around here: on the day you get to celebrate your love for another person, why are you keeping me from the love of my life.  Reason won out and she sat the BP with people they knew and had things in common with.

    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm getting married in one year just to preface this. I was so thrilled the day I asked my son to be sister in law to be my Makd of honor (MOH), since we're having a more small wedding she would be my only Bridal party member, which I'm ok with. I asked her because I felt close to her and to me she's going to be my sister soon. However, she's also getting married (over a year from now), and guess who's not even a bridesmaid? Yep, me but she has 9 bridesmaids! Needless to say I'm very hurt, especially since she specified she only chose the last two because she's in their wedding. Mind you, I asked her to be my MOH a month prior to her announcing her bridal party at her engagement party.

    So basically now I don't want her as my MOH,
    I gave myself a month to think all this over and I'm just too hurt. Clearly she doesn't feel the same about our relationship as I do and now I don't feel close to her at all and I don't want to feel pressure to keep her as my MOH when I really don't want to.  She hasn't paid for anything at all so no worries about financial loss for her, but I do have a feeling she's going to be mad (and probably her family too). However my fiancé agrees and he's very mad at his sister. He's in the wedding on her grooms side so he's mad that he will be stuck in the wedding party all night with one of her bridesmaids while I sit by myself somewhere. So what's the best way to have this conversation? Please don't try to talk me out of this, I've already made up my mind it's just now I need help on how to do it. I will not feel awkward on my wedding day by having someone as my MOH who I don't even feel close to. 
    If you don't want us to try to talk you out of dropping your MOH from your wedding party simply because she didn't ask you to be in hers, then I think you're out of luck. Because even though this isn't what you want to hear, just about everyone here will tell you that you're being childish and that while we understand that you feel hurt, but wedding party choices aren't tit-for-tat. She wasn't required to choose you any more than you were required to choose her in the first place. 

    And asking her to step down from your wedding party will destroy whatever goodwill exists in your relationship with her as well as your FILs, even if your FI is on your side.

    So I would ignore the fact that she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid in her wedding party and leave things be.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited November 2016
    You asked for advice.  You got it.  Don't fire your MOH, who will also be your SIL.
    There is no polite way to do this.  It is an insult to her, and it is a friendship ending move.  It is also a wedding ending move if his family takes it personally (and they WILL!)..
    If you insist on doing this because of your hurt feelings, then you are not mature enough to get married.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SwissMs
  • I think you need to handle this in a more diplomatic way.   Your FSIL is your FI's sister and your FMIL's daughter.   Removing her from this position is a public slight that probably won't do wonders for your relationship with your FI or his family.

    I can't blame you for being upset by her actions but I also think that you can't ask someone to be in your wedding for the purpose of reciprocation.


    DrillSergeantCatSP29
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I cant wait for OP to come back in a month saying that she kicked FSIL/ MOH out and now there is all kinds of drama. And OP cant figure out why Fi's family doesn't understand 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    InLoveInQueensDrillSergeantCatei34SwissMs
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    How long do you plan on being married to you current FI? You need to remember that time frame when you kick his sister out of your wedding. There is likely to be hurt feelings and consequences for a long time. I agree with you having a conversation with her and letting her know that her exclusion of you hurt your feelings, but there might be a good reason for it. 

    banana468InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Don't kick her out. Bridal parties should not be tit for tat. One of my closest friends got married 5 years ago and had a large bridal party (9 or 10 I think), and I wasn't one of them. Similar situation, she asked a couple of girls because she was in their wedding. I got married last year. She and I were close then and we're close now, so I asked her to be in my wedding and I don't regret it for a second. Never once did "but she didn't ask me to be in her wedding" come into my mind. But even if  it had, I wouldn't have kicked her out after already asking her. You have to think about the long term. 

    I understand being hurt, but you have to take the big picture into consideration. Kicking your FSIL out of your wedding will not only hurt her, but it will also hurt your whole family. It isn't right and it isn't worth it. 

    SP29InLoveInQueensshort+sassy
  • My soon to be sister in law asked me three months after she announced her bridal party. She ordered my dress before she even asked me. You still have time. Bride brains are a little scattered at times.
    i wouldn't stress about it if she does not ask either. Take it as this- you have someone going through the same planning as you. She may be a better MOH just because of that. 
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