Bride Tribe versus Bridesmaids

annalisemsinclair

My fiancé and I have decided that we want a small wedding with about 75 guests (almost all family), thus we think it would be weird to pull out a bunch of those people to be bridesmaids or groomsmen. Plus my family and friends are from out of state- making things tricky when it comes to prewedding planning. We are playing around with the idea of having a maid of honor and best man, and then inviting our close friends to join the Bride Tribe or "whatever name my fiancé calls his friends" to get ready with us, be apart of barchorlette/bachelor parties, etc. IF they want to. We would hate for them to feel like they have to spend extra money on matching dresses or getting their hair done since they are
teaveling from afar anyways, so this idea seems like the most fitting for our situation.

Is this rude? We want to include our friends but want to keep everything small and low-key. Feedback appreciated!

banana468

I wouldn't name the group but I think the idea is actually really nice.

kimmiinthemitten

Don't give them a fake title or honorary role just involve them in the way you intend to and they'll know they're special to you. 

CMGragain

annalisemsinclair said:

My fiancé and I have decided that we want a small wedding with about 75 guests (almost all family), thus we think it would be weird to pull out a bunch of those people to be bridesmaids or groomsmen. Plus my family and friends are from out of state- making things tricky when it comes to prewedding planning. We are playing around with the idea of having a maid of honor and best man, and then inviting our close friends to join the Bride Tribe or "whatever name my fiancé calls his friends" to get ready with us, be apart of barchorlette/bachelor parties, etc. IF they want to. We would hate for them to feel like they have to spend extra money on matching dresses or getting their hair done since they are
teaveling from afar anyways, so this idea seems like the most fitting for our situation.

Is this rude? We want to include our friends but want to keep everything small and low-key. Feedback appreciated!

You are overthinking this.

1.  It is an honor to be a guest at your wedding.  Being an invited guest is "being included".  You do not need to make up a title for guests.

2.  Bachelorette parties and showers should not be expected.  These events are not planned by you.  If someone offers to throw a party for you, then your only task is to furnish a guest list, which is made up of people who are invited to your wedding - no one else!  Many brides do not have these parties.

3.  A bridal party is not necessary.  If you want just one attendant (MOH), this is perfectly OK.

ernursej

You are never required to have a wedding party. I'm relieved when I'm not asked to be part of a wedding party as then I get to enjoy my day. Just invite your friends/family to the wedding. Being invited is an honour!

Just in case - you shouldn't be planning any pre-parties in your honour. If someone offers, you can accept a shower/stagette but you shouldn't be part of any planning.

levioosa

ernursej said:

You are never required to have a wedding party. I'm relieved when I'm not asked to be part of a wedding party as then I get to enjoy my day. Just invite your friends/family to the wedding. Being invited is an honour!

Just in case - you shouldn't be planning any pre-parties in your honour. If someone offers, you can accept a shower/stagette but you shouldn't be part of any planning.

I'm not a fan of the name.  Just invite people to hang out with you before the ceremony.  

And ditto the bolded.  You don't get to plan parties in your own honor.  If someone offers, that's great, but you can't plan them for yourself.  It's pretty tacky.  

ILoveBeachMusic

Agree with PPs. If you are offered a shower/BP you can still invite these people without calling them a name (Bride Tribe or anything else).  The only requirement is that people who are invited to the parties are also invited to the wedding.

STARMOON44

I love inviting them to get ready with you and to the rehearsal dinner and putting them on the guest list for any other parties people throw you. I don't love giving them a name. 

ei34

All of your ideas are nice.  I don't think a title is necessary.  You and your FI are the only ones responsible for pre-wedding planning, so you don't have to worry about them living out of state making anything tricky.

climbingsingle

You don't need to give a cheesy name to your group of friends to include them.

I didn't want a large bridal party and opted for just a MOH. She decided to throw a bach party for me. I gave her a list of names of our close friends I wanted included. I invited my best friends to get ready with me the morning of, and they also had come dress shopping with me. Additionally I had one friend do a reading. 
And that's it. It's an honor to be invited. You don't need to do anything further. And as PPs said, you shouldn't be throwing your own pre-wedding parties. 

SaintPaulGal

To be honest, I don't like this idea at all.  I think having people half-in/half-out like this screams "you aren't important enough to make the cut and actually be in the wedding, but don't worry--I'll still allow you to throw parties for me and fawn over me as I get ready!"

kahluakoala

banana468 said:

I wouldn't name the group but I think the idea is actually really nice.

^^^This. I've been to a few bachelorette parties where I wasn't a BM. I loved it - I was invited for a fun party with my friends (an invitation isn't a summons, after all) and didn't have any obligation. the name doesn't bug me that much but I can see how it might be a bit off putting because you're still like picking favorites without the honor. 

banana468

SaintPaulGal said:

To be honest, I don't like this idea at all.  I think having people half-in/half-out like this screams "you aren't important enough to make the cut and actually be in the wedding, but don't worry--I'll still allow you to throw parties for me and fawn over me as I get ready!"

I wouldn't bring it up as the throw a party thing.

But it wouldn't hurt to say, "Hey, would you girls be up for some pre-wedding hair and makeup and mimosas??" 

I can't guarantee that I'd commit (especially now that I'm married, it's a logistical issue), but it could be fun. 

The party stuff has nothing to do with the getting ready.   You may or may not get one even if you have a BP.

SaintPaulGal

I should have been more clear.  I am totally on board with inviting friends to pre-wedding parties, provided someone offers to throw such parties for you, but not decreeing that these people should plan the parties in your honor. And I am against making up a fake title or having anyone not in the wedding get ready with you.  When I am preparing to attend a wedding that I am not in, "getting ready" is 5 minutes of putting on panties, putting on a bra, applying deodorant, brushing my teeth, slipping on a dress, brushing my hair, and putting on shoes.  If you asked me to come and "get ready" with you as a non-bridesmaid, I would assume that you just wanted more people around to fuss over you.

banana468

SaintPaulGal said:

I should have been more clear.  I am totally on board with inviting friends to pre-wedding parties, provided someone offers to throw such parties for you, but not decreeing that these people should plan the parties in your honor. And I am against making up a fake title or having anyone not in the wedding get ready with you.  When I am preparing to attend a wedding that I am not in, "getting ready" is 5 minutes of putting on panties, putting on a bra, applying deodorant, brushing my teeth, slipping on a dress, brushing my hair, and putting on shoes.  If you asked me to come and "get ready" with you as a non-bridesmaid, I would assume that you just wanted more people around to fuss over you.

I think you're onto something.  What if the OP said, 

"Cocktails and food at my place pre wedding - feel free to get ready here if you want."

drunkenwitch

Now I'm picturing a lost tribe of women who run around in poofy dresses with butt bows, worship 3 tiered cake and have elaborate rituals involving the sacred eating of the jordan almond and the ancient chair sash tying dance that calls down the ancient spirits of past bridesmaids. 

redwoodoriginal

The idea of being invited to get ready with a friend when I'm not a BM sounds awful. I'd be touched but feel obligated. So now I have to go over hours before I'd actually get ready and spend hours watching you get your hair and makeup and out on a dress and then what? I go back home and rush to get food and coordinate with my H to get to the ceremony on time? Thanks but no thanks... I don't even enjoy doing that as a BM, why would I want to do that when I'm not being forced to? 

STARMOON44

I've been invited to get ready with the bride a couple times and loved it. Both times she was a close friend with just a MOH or no wedding party at all. A few of us joined her in her hotel suite the morning of her wedding and spent some quality time hanging out, doing our nails, drinking mimosas etc. 

i dont understand spending 5 minutes to get ready to go to a wedding even as a guest. I'm pretty low maintenance but it takes me 20 minutes minimum to get ready for work. 

I I don't think it is rude to invite someone to do this. Let her know you're fine either way, and if she doesn't want to come she can say no. 

CMGragain

Could somebody  please explain bachelorette party rules to me?  They didn't have them when I was a bride.  I thought just anybody could be invited, as long as they were also invited to the wedding.

STARMOON44

CMGragain said:

Could somebody  please explain bachelorette party rules to me?  They didn't have them when I was a bride.  I thought just anybody could be invited, as long as they were also invited to the wedding.

I agree with this.

my general rules are:
 A- you don't host it yourself or ask someone to throw it for you.
 B- only people who are invited to the wedding may be invited.
 C- this is often held as a party where everyone contributes to the cost, and therefore is often a group effort to decide on what will be done.
D- it isn't a gifting occasion. 

MissKittyDanger

STARMOON44 said:

CMGragain said:

Could somebody  please explain bachelorette party rules to me?  They didn't have them when I was a bride.  I thought just anybody could be invited, as long as they were also invited to the wedding.

I agree with this.

my general rules are:
 A- you don't host it yourself or ask someone to throw it for you.
 B- only people who are invited to the wedding may be invited.
 C- this is often held as a party where everyone contributes to the cost, and therefore is often a group effort to decide on what will be done.
D- it isn't a gifting occasion. 

Also many times the bachelorette is just the bridesmaids - MOH usually sets it up.
Apparently it started to teach the woman about sex, men, etc. and then turned into "HEY LET'S GET WASTED AND GO SEE NAKED MEN!"

Even though it's not a gifting occasion, many times the bridesmaids will get together and get something for the bride-to-be. Usually racey, like something to wear on wedding night.

That being said, my bachelorette was completely different. Bridesmaids, my mum and MIL went to lunch, then got our nails done.
My girls decided to get me something, but it was more on the sentimental side. They printed out photos of us - plus a few people they knew I was friends with still but not in WP - and put in a photo album for me. There were little places on the sides for people to sign, put notes, comments, memories, etc. It was very sweet

SP29

Fine to have a small, or no WP.

It is also fine to invite (or have the hosts invite) anyone you wish (who is also invited to the wedding) to any event, whether that be a bachelorette party or to get nails done, or get ready with you.

You should not be planning in any parties in honour of yourself (shower or bachelorette). These parties are offered, but that doesn't mean you need a WP to do this. ANYONE can offer to host a party for you.

One of my friends did not have a WP. Me and 2 other friends (we are all very close) planned a shower and bachelorette party for her, and we all went to get our nails done 2 days before the wedding- because we wanted to.

MyNameIsNot

Ditto everyone, I like the sentiment of it, but not naming it. Giving it a name feels too much like a non-bridesmaid consolation prize.

This is pretty much what my sister did. She has quite a few close friends but didn't want 9 bridesmaids. I was her only attendant, but she invited several friends to come by in the morning to get ready or just have a mimosa. Some came, some didn't. 

MesmrEwe

I agree with the PP - stop overthinking!  Have your MOH/BM, then order some extra corsages or nosegays (small hand-held bunch of flowers not typically larger than 6" around) and bouts and when they arrive hand them one to let them know they're an honored guest (you'll know they're coming or not by their RSVP's).   OR - you have them as a BM/GM and give them the instructions for attire "do not purchase something to wear special for the wedding, wear something you feel great in and don't have the chance to wear as often as you'd like!" the only real expectation is they show up (relatively) sober the day of your wedding and pose for a few pictures.

[Deleted User]

Yes, they'd appreciate it more if you invite them without that label or title.