Pregnant Bridesmaid

Knottie1460216470

I just found out one of my bridesmaids will be 8 months pregnant at our wedding.  I'm super excited for her and her husband!  However, I have some concerns and I'm not sure how to address them.  BM is super sweet but often a little naive.  Her first pregnancy was high risk and she was put on 'light duty' for the last 3 months and couldn't work (Gestational diabetes with insulin 4 times a day, preeclampsia, baby growth issues).  She and her husband live 7 hours away.  She's already backing out of the bachelorette party @ 5 months pregnant but it's 7 hours away and I completely understand.  She has said nothing about the wedding.  BMs already ordered dresses and when I suggested she contact the bridal shop about getting a bigger size, she said her dress will fit fine.  She ordered a dress in her regular size.  The dress is not empire and has a fairly tight midsection - not much room for a baby bump.

How do I approach the dress issue?  Should I bring up the option of her backing out of the wedding?  I really don't want to offend her, but want to be realistic.  

I am not trying to be rude or harsh, so please don't judge me.  I am in a dilemma and would appreciate some sound advice.   

lyndausvi

Knottie1460216470 said:

@charlotte989875.  Thank you.  Another dress in the same color is definitely an option.  I am not kicking her out, but want to politely give her the option so she can take care of herself and her child.  I was her rock during her last pregnancy and it took a huge toll on her health and her mental health.  She called me every day to cry or express her fears and emotions.  It's hard to convey my friendship or feelings in a post, but trust me, i'm very sensitive to her and I know she will stress out even more with having to pay for another dress or back out last minute. It will break her heart and I don't want to add any more stress to her.  She's already been told she's high risk and on the same path as the last baby.  

No one is being kicked out.  Just asking for a polite way to talk about the dress, and a polite way to give her the option to back out if she wants to.  So she knows i'm ok with it.

The thing is she ALWAYS has the option to backup.   She doesn't need it to come from you that it's okay.   

Like I said, my BM was high risk also.   I made a point to make it as easy on her as possible by letting her take the lead.  I let her pick out the dress.  I let her tell me up until the minute we walked down the aisle what she was able and willing to do.   It didn't make it an issue worth stressing over.   

Bottom line she is just a BM.  While it's an honor, it isn't the most important thing at a wedding.  She isn't your officiant, she isn't your caterer.  She is an honor guest. And while you obviously want her there.  You want her and her baby to be healthy and happy.  Her presences in a certain dress is not that huge of a big deal to be stressed over.   She will either be there or not.  In a certain dress or not.  

lyndausvi

I had a 8 month pregnant BM with an OOT wedding that was 3 hours away from her.  She was also high risk.

  I asked her to find any dress in the color of the other girls.   I never even saw the dress till the day of the wedding.  It happen to be from the same designer as the others, but not the same style.   

As far as her role at the wedding.   She might not be able to travel if her doctor required.  No big deal.  One less girl going down the aisle.  I would have sent her flowers to her home.

If she was able to make it I told her to make a game time decision.   Meaning up until we walked down the aisle she could decide to stand with the other or sit in the front row with my parents.  

   She ended up standing with the others.  Totally and completely her choice.

I choose not to make it about me and all about her and her health.  Whatever she was comfortable with doing, that is what we would do.  I had ZERO stress, because there was nothing to stress over.   IMO a different dress, her sitting and not standing with the others or even not being able to come altogether are not things worth stressing over.

 Just go with the flow and it will all work out as they will.

Knottie1460216470

Thank you @lyndausvi. I will do my best to go with the flow, not one of my best traits.  I'm a huge planner and organizer. Very type 'A' personality.  

There is no way the dress is going to fit her at 8 months, but if she's unwilling to see that I don't know what to do.  If she waits until the last minute she won't be able to order a dress in the same color.  Different color is not an option. - Suggestions?

SaintPaulGal

Knottie1460216470 said:

Thank you @lyndausvi. I will do my best to go with the flow, not one of my best traits.  I'm a huge planner and organizer. Very type 'A' personality.  

There is no way the dress is going to fit her at 8 months, but if she's unwilling to see that I don't know what to do.  If she waits until the last minute she won't be able to order a dress in the same color.  Different color is not an option. - Suggestions?

Why is a different color "not an option"?  Do you love this woman as a friend or just want to use her as a fashion accessory?

But seriously, there is no need to worry about this right now.  Your wedding is still many months away.  If the dress doesn't fit as the date gets closer--and yeah, it probably won't--then it will be up to her to either get a new dress or have the one she bought significantly altered.  There is no point in fretting about this so far out.

lyndausvi

I have to know what color the dresses are that she would not be able to find another dress in that color?

lyndausvi

Knottie1460216470 said:

Thank you @lyndausvi. I will do my best to go with the flow, not one of my best traits.  I'm a huge planner and organizer. Very type 'A' personality.  

There is no way the dress is going to fit her at 8 months, but if she's unwilling to see that I don't know what to do.  If she waits until the last minute she won't be able to order a dress in the same color.  Different color is not an option. - Suggestions?

  Being a huge planner and organizer means you should understand the concept of back up plans.   Plan on her possibly having a different dress.  NBD.

Knottie1460216470

The dresses are an eggplant/aubergine type of color.  I'm sure she could find another dress in the same color, and I don't care if it's a different style.  But I know her and she will wait until the last minute.  That's when it would be difficult to find a dress in the same color.  She already complains about the $200 dress she bought, before she even knew she was pregnant.  I just let it go because I know everyone has their own financial difficulties and budgets.  I've gone above and beyond to ensure everyone is comfortable with things such as the shower and bachelorette.  I'm all for saving money and not asking too much of the bridal party.  

@SaintPaulGal.  Yes, I just want to use her as an accessory.  That's why I've asked her to be a BM.  Really?

We are all in our mid to late 30s and should be able to make intelligent decisions.  I have already broached the subject in an adult and extremely caring manner.  BM does not want to come down to reality.  I was asking for feedback, not judgment.  

charlotte989875

Knottie1460216470 said:

I just found out one of my bridesmaids will be 8 months pregnant at our wedding.  I'm super excited for her and her husband!  However, I have some concerns and I'm not sure how to address them.  BM is super sweet but often a little naive.  Her first pregnancy was high risk and she was put on 'light duty' for the last 3 months and couldn't work (Gestational diabetes with insulin 4 times a day, preeclampsia, baby growth issues).  She and her husband live 7 hours away.  She's already backing out of the bachelorette party @ 5 months pregnant but it's 7 hours away and I completely understand.  She has said nothing about the wedding.  BMs already ordered dresses and when I suggested she contact the bridal shop about getting a bigger size, she said her dress will fit fine.  She ordered a dress in her regular size.  The dress is not empire and has a fairly tight midsection - not much room for a baby bump.

How do I approach the dress issue?  Should I bring up the option of her backing out of the wedding?  I really don't want to offend her, but want to be realistic.  

I am not trying to be rude or harsh, so please don't judge me.  I am in a dilemma and would appreciate some sound advice.   

You will likely offend her (and possibly damage your friendship with her) if you suggest backing out of the wedding, because that pretty much sounds like you're kicking her out. 

Her dress, her body. If it fits great, if it doesn't she will find something else to wear. As PPs said, why isn't another dress in the same color, not an option? Would you rather have your close friend, who makes it to your wedding when she's 8months pregnant wear a specific dress, not match the rest of the BMs, or be hurt because you kicked her out over a dress? 

Take a step back and see how this sounds. You're worried, not about your friend or her new baby, but about a dress. 

Knottie1460216470

@charlotte989875.  Thank you.  Another dress in the same color is definitely an option.  I am not kicking her out, but want to politely give her the option so she can take care of herself and her child.  I was her rock during her last pregnancy and it took a huge toll on her health and her mental health.  She called me every day to cry or express her fears and emotions.  It's hard to convey my friendship or feelings in a post, but trust me, i'm very sensitive to her and I know she will stress out even more with having to pay for another dress or back out last minute. It will break her heart and I don't want to add any more stress to her.  She's already been told she's high risk and on the same path as the last baby.  

No one is being kicked out.  Just asking for a polite way to talk about the dress, and a polite way to give her the option to back out if she wants to.  So she knows i'm ok with it.

charlotte989875

Knottie1460216470 said:

@charlotte989875.  Thank you.  Another dress in the same color is definitely an option.  I am not kicking her out, but want to politely give her the option so she can take care of herself and her child.  I was her rock during her last pregnancy and it took a huge toll on her health and her mental health.  She called me every day to cry or express her fears and emotions.  It's hard to convey my friendship or feelings in a post, but trust me, i'm very sensitive to her and I know she will stress out even more with having to pay for another dress or back out last minute. It will break her heart and I don't want to add any more stress to her.  She's already been told she's high risk and on the same path as the last baby.  

No one is being kicked out.  Just asking for a polite way to talk about the dress, and a polite way to give her the option to back out if she wants to.  So she knows i'm ok with it.

The best thing to do then would be to tell her you're good with her wearing anything she has in her closet. Same color or not. That you will be happy if she's able to travel and be there. Leave it at that for now. Any mention of her "backing out" or giving her an out might come off as you not wanting her there, so just tell her you want her there in whatever she is comfortable in.

When is your wedding? There's no way to know how she'll feel until that time. Even if she's showing similar signs there's likely no way to know now. Just tell her you love her and you're happy to have her however she's comfortable. Maybe she's just saying she doesn't need to get a different dress because she's worried you'll be upset if she doesn't wear it?

SaintPaulGal

I'll say it again: there is no reason to fret about this so early in the game.

When the wedding is much closer, IF the dress doesn't fit and IF she can't get it altered and IF she can't afford a new dress, THEN you can decide how to proceed.  At that point you can either kick her out (erm...."politely give her the option" to no longer be in the wedding) or let her wear something different.

Knottie1460216470

Thanks all for the advice.  I won't bring up her having the option to back out, if it might come across as me kicking her out.  Not my intention at all.  I'll just wait and see what happens and continue to support her.  

As I've said multiple times, I have no problem with her wearing a different dress and would love to go shopping for a new one.  That's not the issue, it was about politely saying 'hey, let's go dress shopping' without being offensive.  That's all.   

SaintPaulGal

Nothing wrong with shopping for a new dress with her!  But again, it's far too early to be worrying about this.  Sorry for repeating myself, but that is really the only answer at this point.  If the dress doesn't fit a few weeks prior to the wedding, and if she can't get it altered to accommodate her maternity figure, then one or both of you can find her something else to wear.  No point in fussing about it now.

Knottie1460216470

@SaintPaulGal.  Thanks!  

floridabride44

Knottie1460216470 said:

The dresses are an eggplant/aubergine type of color.  I'm sure she could find another dress in the same color, and I don't care if it's a different style.  But I know her and she will wait until the last minute.  That's when it would be difficult to find a dress in the same color.  She already complains about the $200 dress she bought, before she even knew she was pregnant.  I just let it go because I know everyone has their own financial difficulties and budgets.  I've gone above and beyond to ensure everyone is comfortable with things such as the shower and bachelorette.  I'm all for saving money and not asking too much of the bridal party.  

@SaintPaulGal.  Yes, I just want to use her as an accessory.  That's why I've asked her to be a BM.  Really?

We are all in our mid to late 30s and should be able to make intelligent decisions.  I have already broached the subject in an adult and extremely caring manner.  BM does not want to come down to reality.  I was asking for feedback, not judgment.  

If she's complaining about spending $200 on a dress, I'm assuming that means you picked one without asking all your BMs privately for their budgets in advance. Big mistake. If someone told me to buy a $200 dress without having a conversation about budget with me first, I would be pissed.

And to the 2nd bolded... are you planning your own shower and bachelorette? Also a major no-no. Don't plan parties in your own honor. Especially not gift-giving ones. If someone offers, you can accept. Your job is to let them know what dates/times work for you, provide a guest list, show up, and be gracious. If they specifically ask for input you're welcome to give it. But besides, that stay out if it. It's not your job to "ensure everyone is comfortable with things such as the shower and bachelorette".  Let the hosts deal with those things. 

DrillSergeantCat

There are dresses out there that will fit a pregnant belly. Vera Wang has one at David's Bridal in Amethyst that my BMs wore at my wedding and I wore in Apple at a friends. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and the dress worked fine. If it's really important to you, offer to go look at maternity dresses and then buy it for her.

Heffalump

Knottie1460216470 said:

@charlotte989875.  Thank you.  Another dress in the same color is definitely an option.  I am not kicking her out, but want to politely give her the option so she can take care of herself and her child.  I was her rock during her last pregnancy and it took a huge toll on her health and her mental health.  She called me every day to cry or express her fears and emotions.  It's hard to convey my friendship or feelings in a post, but trust me, i'm very sensitive to her and I know she will stress out even more with having to pay for another dress or back out last minute. It will break her heart and I don't want to add any more stress to her.  She's already been told she's high risk and on the same path as the last baby.  

It might be better this time around.  Some people are more freaked out the first time around, and then the second time is more like BTDT.

k&n62517

I agree with everyone about putting her first and making sure she is comfortable.

As far as potential solutions, I want to suggest you maybe use one of those online bridesmaid dress rental sites. They can usually accommodate last minute events (or at least 3 months ahead anyway) and I've definitely seen that eggplant/aubergine color you mentioned on those sites. When the time is closer, you can both pick out a dress and get a better size for as little as $60. Might even be something you could cover the cost of, especially if the cost of getting another dress is a problem for her, as I know it would be with me. 

auntiek2018

I was 8 mos pregnant at my sister's wedding.  I was able to order extra material in the same dress fabric, which the seamstress was able to add to alter shortly before the wedding.  From the front, you couldn't tell I was pregnant while holding the bouquet...from the side - totally different story, lol.  I stood for the whole ceremony, but my sister let me be furthest from her in the lineup...which was convenient when I felt light-headed during the final prayer!  I was able to sit down discreetly, then rise again before the last "amen"

MobKaz

auntiek2018 said:

I was 8 mos pregnant at my sister's wedding.  I was able to order extra material in the same dress fabric, which the seamstress was able to add to alter shortly before the wedding.  From the front, you couldn't tell I was pregnant while holding the bouquet...from the side - totally different story, lol.  I stood for the whole ceremony, but my sister let me be furthest from her in the lineup...which was convenient when I felt light-headed during the final prayer!  I was able to sit down discreetly, then rise again before the last "amen"

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MairePoppy