Moms and Maids

Future In Law question

edited November 2016 in Moms and Maids
So my fiancés parents, specifically his mom, is not excited for our wedding. She has stated that she doesn't like weddings and that she wasn't excited for the wedding that she was only excited to spend time with us since she lives out of town. I don't know how to get her more excited or maybe I'm just expecting to much.I might just be dramatic. Thoughts?
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Re: Future In Law question

  • @Jen4948 has all of the advice this morning.  The most important being that first sentence.  I do want to add that the MIL and FIL DO NOT need to match (in any way) the Bridal Party.  Your FMILs dress (assuming it isn't wildly inappropriate) and FFILs Suit are just fine for your wedding. 

    A final thought, aside from reducing wedding talk with your FMIL, maybe just focus more on the positive things? You're getting married and that is awesome!

  • edited November 2016
    Thanks, good advice!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Thanks, good advice! I know they don't need to match the wedding party it's just that everyone else including my parents will be dressed very formal. But that's alright! I like the advice to just stop talking about it with her as much. Also on the attire, she also made a comment that she didn't want to wear a corsage..I definitely want her to wear one either on dress or wrist either way is fine. How do I handle that?
    One thing you're not entitled to control is what an adult who is not your MOH or bridesmaid wears. If your FMIL doesn't want to wear a corsage, don't try to make her wear one.
    floridabride44CMGragain
  • Wow okay i thought the mothers always wore corsages. Guess I was wrong. Thanks for the reality check 
  • edited November 2016
    Also just wanted to add I'm not exactly sure how the discussion went down money wise between her and my fiancé. I let him handle that. My mom and I had a talk where she told me a dollar amount (about half the wedding) and my fiancé and I are covering the rest. I was hoping we could find a way to do that for the rehearsal dinner but like I said I don't know how their conversation went and it doesn't seem like she wants to put a dollar amount on it. Should we just offer to pay for half or the full thing? I don't know if that might offend her? She wants us to get the guest list to 40 but just the wedding party, their significant others, my fiancé and I and both of our parents equals 44. That doesn't count either of our grandparents or a couple aunts and uncles from each side id like to invite who are heading up the decorating/clean up and traveling across the country to be there. Do we just offer to pay for anything over 40 guests? I don't want to hurt her feelings or offend her by offering to pay but my fiancé and I both have good jobs and could certainly afford it so that's not the issue
  • Wow okay i thought the mothers always wore corsages. Guess I was wrong. Thanks for the reality check 
    I personally have never heard of a corsage for wedding. Some weddings they'll have something more like a bouquet. My mum and MIL carried same faux flowers as my bridesmaids but a smaller version. You could look at that option, carrying vs wearing.
  • Wow okay i thought the mothers always wore corsages. Guess I was wrong. Thanks for the reality check 
    They can, but it isn't a requirement for a wedding. Just look at it as you are going to be saving a little money since that is one less thing to pay for. 
    image
    HeffalumpMissKittyDanger
  • Also just wanted to add I'm not exactly sure how the discussion went down money wise between her and my fiancé. I let him handle that. My mom and I had a talk where she told me a dollar amount (about half the wedding) and my fiancé and I are covering the rest. I was hoping we could find a way to do that for the rehearsal dinner but like I said I don't know how their conversation went and it doesn't seem like she wants to put a dollar amount on it. Should we just offer to pay for half or the full thing? I don't know if that might offend her? She wants us to get the guest list to 40 but just the wedding party, their significant others, my fiancé and I and both of our parents equals 44. That doesn't count either of our grandparents or a couple aunts and uncles from each side id like to invite who are heading up the decorating/clean up and traveling across the country to be there. Do we just offer to pay for anything over 40 guests? I don't want to hurt her feelings or offend her by offering to pay but my fiancé and I both have good jobs and could certainly afford it so that's not the issue


    If you want anyone over the 40 people FMIL offered* to pay for I think it is fair to offer to cover anyone beyond that number.  I will also say that all money comes with strings and by having the FMIL host she gets a lot of control over the RD.  It may be better to decline the money and just host it on your own. 

    *If your FI asked her to host versus her offering to host than I think your FI should apologize (on phone or in person) right away.

    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • So my fiancés parents, specifically his mom, is not excited for our wedding and I think she believes it's a waste of money. She has stated that she doesn't like weddings and that she wasn't excited for the wedding that she was only excited to spend time with us since she lives out of town.

    So it sounds like she's happy for you, just not into weddings.  That's a valid philosophy.

    We went dress shopping for her because I thought it'd be a nice way to involve her but she hated every dress she tried on (she found one now but I still haven't seen it). She is wearing a short dress and the entire wedding party and my parents are wearing floor length.

    If she doesn't like weddings, it doesn't seem realistic to expect her to enjoy shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding.  I promise that the length of her dress will not invalidate your marriage.  I cannot think of a single situation in which someone else's dress had any effect on me.

    She said fiances dad will wear a regular suit when all the other guys and my dad are wearing tuxes.

    See above. 

    She also keeps complaining about the cost of the rehearsal dinner but won't just say an amount that she's comfortable with paying so my fiancé and I could pay for the rest.

    If she won't commit to a dollar amount, plan it and pay for it yourselves.  If she later volunteers some money toward it, then bonus.

    I don't know how to get her more excited or maybe I'm just expecting to much. As far as the attire goes, I guess I'm fine with it but it just feels like they don't want to get dressed up because they don't think it's that important. I might just be dramatic. Thoughts?

    You can't make another person feel the way that you think they should feel about something.  Let this go.  You'll be happier if you just accept that this is the way they feel.
    Wow okay i thought the mothers always wore corsages. Guess I was wrong. Thanks for the reality check 

    Not required.  My mother-in-law's fell off, and 10 years later, we are still married.  A dead flower pinned to someone's dress for a couple of hours does not a happy marriage make.

    charlotte989875SP29
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    While FMIL does not want to wear a corsage, I would still get something for her.  I'd want to make sure she has the option when she sees your mom wearing a corsage.  Something of a compromise might be a small nosegay bouquet.  Its basically a teeny tiny bouquet that can be held in one hand.  That way, FMIL isn't wearing anything and she has the option to hold it, if she wants.  This is what we gave both of our moms for our wedding.

    Everyone else is spot on in how to handle FMILs criticisms of your wedding, the RD, etc. 

    SP29
  • Okay, thanks everyone for the responses. It's pretty clear that I was being a total bride-zilla and overly dramatic. I appreciate all of the honest responses. I love my future in laws and am very excited to become a part of their family, and you all are right in the fact that I shouldn't let silly details cloud that vision. I have never posted on any kind of forum before so I edited some of my comments, as I now regret some of the things I said. I wish I could delete the whole post because I am embarrassed by how dramatic I was being. I know that my in-laws love me and I now understand that weddings just aren't for everyone. I guess something just kind of triggered me to post a forum when I was thinking about how my in-laws encouraged the idea of an elopement. That is definitely not who I am (I need all my family there) so I got a little upset about the entire thing. I hope that they enjoy the day. In addition, I will talk with my FI about the rehearsal dinner and we will decide a proposal to present to his parents while we are visiting them next week. Neither one of us expect anything from anyone monetarily, and I would hate to make anyone feel that way. We are doing our best to accommodate all of our guests by reserving hotel blocks/paying for a shuttle to and from wedding/helping with rental cars/airline flights etc, and we truly are just happy that anyone would want to come and celebrate the special day with us. I want to apologize for all of the inappropriate things that I said. In all honesty, I had never heard of a mother not wearing a corsage before so I thought that it was an important detail. I also was feeling that if his mother didn't wear a corsage, then my mother couldn't wear one either and I know she wants too. I now realize that it's okay if all of the parents don't match and we want people to be comfortable and enjoy the day however they want to. Thanks.
    SP29short+sassy
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The parents have worn corsages/bouts at the weddings I've attended. It's traditional in my social circle. I told my daughter I didn't want to wear a corsage on my dress because the lace was fragile and not substantial enough to hold a traditional corsage. For whatever reason, she 'forgot' and ordered a traditional corsage for me. I wore a corsage drooping off my lace dress for the ceremony, but TBH, my feelings were hurt that she forgot about my preference, even though it was intended as a kind gesture. If your mom wants a corsage and your FMIL doesn't, that's fine. 

    Don't worry about editing your posts. We've seen far worse than this. If you plan to stick around, consider choosing a screen name so we can recognize you. There are too many anonymous knottie#s these days.
                       
    OliveOilsMomlyndausvicowgirl8238
  • At daughter's daytime wedding, I wore a "church lady" suit and hat, and his mother wore a floor length dress and hat.  No big deal.  I was given a corsage of white roses, but it was heavy, and it fell off several times.  I finally gave up on it after dancing Cotton-eyed Joe with my son!  Nobody cared.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Okay, thanks everyone for the responses. It's pretty clear that I was being a total bride-zilla and overly dramatic. I appreciate all of the honest responses. I love my future in laws and am very excited to become a part of their family, and you all are right in the fact that I shouldn't let silly details cloud that vision. I have never posted on any kind of forum before so I edited some of my comments, as I now regret some of the things I said. I wish I could delete the whole post because I am embarrassed by how dramatic I was being. I know that my in-laws love me and I now understand that weddings just aren't for everyone. I guess something just kind of triggered me to post a forum when I was thinking about how my in-laws encouraged the idea of an elopement. That is definitely not who I am (I need all my family there) so I got a little upset about the entire thing. I hope that they enjoy the day. In addition, I will talk with my FI about the rehearsal dinner and we will decide a proposal to present to his parents while we are visiting them next week. Neither one of us expect anything from anyone monetarily, and I would hate to make anyone feel that way. We are doing our best to accommodate all of our guests by reserving hotel blocks/paying for a shuttle to and from wedding/helping with rental cars/airline flights etc, and we truly are just happy that anyone would want to come and celebrate the special day with us. I want to apologize for all of the inappropriate things that I said. In all honesty, I had never heard of a mother not wearing a corsage before so I thought that it was an important detail. I also was feeling that if his mother didn't wear a corsage, then my mother couldn't wear one either and I know she wants too. I now realize that it's okay if all of the parents don't match and we want people to be comfortable and enjoy the day however they want to. Thanks.

    What do you mean by proposal?  Did the FMIL OFFER to host a RD? 

    Look, I understand the pressures of the wedding industry, and you seem to be taking everything pretty well...but I would hate to see you damage a relationship with someone over a fancy dinner.  At this point, I would just plan the RD you want, pay for it all and let this go.  There is a chance that you FMIL will gift you the money or offer to help pay, but I wouldn't count on it.  If they give you money great, if not they never owed it you anyway!


    OMG I seriously can't say anything without people jumping on me for it. I was trying to end the conversation with my last post, but now I feel the need to clarify to @saintpaulgal and @cowgirl8238 when I said "proposal" that means I am going to figure out a nice way for ME AND MY FIANCE to offer to pay for the dinner without hurting his mom's feelings! YES she has offered to pay and I did pick the cheapest restaurant in town that will accommodate the number of people but we just have a really large wedding party so the numbers add up to more people than she wants. I'm not gonna go present a powerpoint with charts and figures to show why she needs to pay, that's ridiculous! Just because I used the word "proposal", this is what you all think? Geez.... I thought I made it clear in my post that I don't want people to have pay for things that they don't want to. As I mentioned, we are already helping a lot of our guests out with travel expenses and trying to be very accommodating by allowing everyone to bring dates/plus ones/kids/etc
  • Okay, thanks everyone for the responses. It's pretty clear that I was being a total bride-zilla and overly dramatic. I appreciate all of the honest responses. I love my future in laws and am very excited to become a part of their family, and you all are right in the fact that I shouldn't let silly details cloud that vision. I have never posted on any kind of forum before so I edited some of my comments, as I now regret some of the things I said. I wish I could delete the whole post because I am embarrassed by how dramatic I was being. I know that my in-laws love me and I now understand that weddings just aren't for everyone. I guess something just kind of triggered me to post a forum when I was thinking about how my in-laws encouraged the idea of an elopement. That is definitely not who I am (I need all my family there) so I got a little upset about the entire thing. I hope that they enjoy the day. In addition, I will talk with my FI about the rehearsal dinner and we will decide a proposal to present to his parents while we are visiting them next week. Neither one of us expect anything from anyone monetarily, and I would hate to make anyone feel that way. We are doing our best to accommodate all of our guests by reserving hotel blocks/paying for a shuttle to and from wedding/helping with rental cars/airline flights etc, and we truly are just happy that anyone would want to come and celebrate the special day with us. I want to apologize for all of the inappropriate things that I said. In all honesty, I had never heard of a mother not wearing a corsage before so I thought that it was an important detail. I also was feeling that if his mother didn't wear a corsage, then my mother couldn't wear one either and I know she wants too. I now realize that it's okay if all of the parents don't match and we want people to be comfortable and enjoy the day however they want to. Thanks.

    What do you mean by proposal?  Did the FMIL OFFER to host a RD? 

    Look, I understand the pressures of the wedding industry, and you seem to be taking everything pretty well...but I would hate to see you damage a relationship with someone over a fancy dinner.  At this point, I would just plan the RD you want, pay for it all and let this go.  There is a chance that you FMIL will gift you the money or offer to help pay, but I wouldn't count on it.  If they give you money great, if not they never owed it you anyway!


    OMG I seriously can't say anything without people jumping on me for it. I was trying to end the conversation with my last post, but now I feel the need to clarify to @saintpaulgal and @cowgirl8238 when I said "proposal" that means I am going to figure out a nice way for ME AND MY FIANCE to offer to pay for the dinner without hurting his mom's feelings! YES she has offered to pay and I did pick the cheapest restaurant in town that will accommodate the number of people but we just have a really large wedding party so the numbers add up to more people than she wants. I'm not gonna go present a powerpoint with charts and figures to show why she needs to pay, that's ridiculous! Just because I used the word "proposal", this is what you all think? Geez.... I thought I made it clear in my post that I don't want people to have pay for things that they don't want to. As I mentioned, we are already helping a lot of our guests out with travel expenses and trying to be very accommodating by allowing everyone to bring dates/plus ones/kids/etc

    I would just plan the rehearsal dinner and if FMIL asks about paying or contributing let her know and see what she says. TBH it may come off a little like you and FI are giving them this information to shoehorn them into paying or agreeing to something they don't want to. If she has offered to pay, but stated that what you want is out of budget then that is the end of the conversation, there shouldn't be a need to prepare something for them to show them how your going to pay for it all- just do it. 

    Also, it is proper etiquette to invite guests with their significant others, so that isn't be accommodating, but the other things you pointed out are nice. 
    image
    InLoveInQueenscowgirl8238
  • seriously? how do you all not get it? when I said the word "proposal" all that means is that we are going to tell her we will pay for it. we aren't going to prepare anything! sorry I have a different vocabulary than you! I will be deleting my account..can't take this anymore
  • seriously? how do you all not get it? when I said the word "proposal" all that means is that we are going to tell her we will pay for it. we aren't going to prepare anything! sorry I have a different vocabulary than you! I will be deleting my account..can't take this anymore
    It's great to hear that you're going to do the right thing here. But you would have to admit that saying "I will talk with my FI about the rehearsal dinner and we will decide a proposal to present to his parents while we are visiting them next week" doesn't exactly give that impression. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that this was jusr super odd phrasing, but I still can't work out exactly what sort of a "proposal" you would be making to the parents. This is something that would be handled by either (A) dropping the subject permanently or (B) apologizing for bugging them about it and letting them know that you'll be paying for your own party yourselves. None of that sounds remotely like presenting a proposal.
    OliveOilsMomcowgirl8238SwissMs
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