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    Knottie1442424572Knottie1442424572 member
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    Last time I checked when your in someone's wedding, someone's Maid of Honor you help with those duties of the title. When I needed to get the girls together for bridesmaids dresses, it was always an excuse on why she couldn't go... with weeks in advance! My mom has reached out to her about having her help plan the bridal shower.. no response. I never expected her to drop her life to do things with me but even if I tried to work around her schedule it just never worked for her. But It's not just wedding events. She always had an excuse when I'd ask to meet up or go out for lunch. (This was going on prior to me getting engaged and asking her to be my moh) If it were her getting married and me being her moh, I'd be over the moon excited for her, and ready to help whenever I can. Maybe I just have that all wrong.  I'm just tired of always being the one to put effort into a friendship that's supposed to be 50/50.
    so because she's not in my life anymore I'm not to have a maid of honor? 
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    TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2016
    Okay, going to unpack all of this a little bit at a time because there is a lot to address.

    1. My first question is, how long has your best friend cut you off for? I can't get the sense of if she just hasn't responded to your texts and calls for a week or if this is a multi-month freeze out- the answer to that would affect how I would proceed.

    2. Can you elaborate on what you mean exactly by "bailed, flaked and made excuses on going to important wedding events?" Something you should know up front- everyone here is going to tell you that maids of honor and bridesmaids don't need an excuse to not go to pre-wedding events because their only responsibility is showing up at the wedding in the proper attire and relatively sober. The wedding itself is what's important, and all the other events like dress shopping, showers, parties etc. fall under the same category as anything else you would invite a friend to do in your everyday life- they are free to say no to your invitation for any reason and aren't obligated to explain themselves to you.

    3. That being said, I understand why you might feel hurt and disappointed if it seems like your friend truly isn't happy for you. Have you tried talking to her about how she feels? She might have some crazy stuff going on in her life that is causing her to pull away from you, or it might just be, as you suggest, jealousy that you've gotten close to another friend. Either way, hearing out what's going on with her with an open and empathetic mind is something I think you owe to her as a best friend of six years. Take your wedding out of the equation and focus on reconnecting with her as a person.

    4. I think it's a really bad, immature idea (and a friendship ending move) to "replace" your maid of honor with one of your bridesmaids. These are roles that are meant to honor the people in your life, not a hard-and-fast ranking system meant to signal to each other and the world who is the closest to you at any given moment or to reward those friends most willing or able to help you during the wedding planning process. Maybe it's true that you and your bridesmaid have gotten closer than you and your maid of honor are, but why does that really matter? You know what your relationships with these ladies are so it's silly to fixate on the titles.

    Edited To Add: I should mention that if you're at the point that you're completely done with your maid of honor and actively choose to end the friendship by asking her not to be in your wedding, personally I don't see anything wrong with asking your bridesmaid to be your maid of honor (though I don't know if I'm correct in feeling that way from an etiquette standpoint). It seems a little crass to me, but if you think she'd be honored by it rather than offended I say go ahead.
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    ellamberellamber member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    My friend had a matron of honor and a maid of honor.. I was the maid. I lived in a different state so I was literally no assistance and the Matron of honor made me feel like crap about it. I think you can have two maid of honors, but don't let one treat the other like shit.

    And don't replace one with the other. Not cool. 
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    Knottie1442424572Knottie1442424572 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Like I said we were having these issues prior the whole wedding. I've tried to ask what has been going on and sometimes she opens up but most times she doesn't. We have gone several months without talking not by my choice. I've reached out to see if everything is going okay. To me it's not just the title of moh. She's my best friend and want her apart of it. I guess that's too much to ask. I think it's extremely immature to just drop someone who's been in your life for so many years without an explanation or simply just say you don't want to be in my life anymore. But for me to send multiple calls/texts over a string of months and get nothing back is hurtful. 
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    Knottie1442424572Knottie1442424572 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    She's not in another state. Literally 15 minutes away from each other. It's not necessarily replacing her if she left. 
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    TheMostHappy15TheMostHappy15 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Knottie1442424572 said:
    Like I said we were having these issues prior the whole wedding. I've tried to ask what has been going on and sometimes she opens up but most times she doesn't. We have gone several months without talking not by my choice. I've reached out to see if everything is going okay. To me it's not just the title of moh. She's my best friend and want her apart of it. I guess that's too much to ask. I think it's extremely immature to just drop someone who's been in your life for so many years without an explanation or simply just say you don't want to be in my life anymore. But for me to send multiple calls/texts over a string of months and get nothing back is hurtful. 
    ---Stuck In The Box---

    Honestly if you haven't heard from her in multiple months you have no idea what might be going on in her life. She could be dealing with some heavy stuff- job problems, family problems, mental health problems etc. I wouldn't write it off as her being "extremely immature" just yet- radio silence for months on end from a best friend is cause for concern, not annoyance.

    If I were you I would reach out to her one more time to tell her you care about her and want to be there for her, and you hope she'll reach out to you to let you know what's been going on with her as soon as she's ready. If you've said anything negative to her about missing your dress fittings or whatever, apologize for that and let her know your wedding stuff comes second to preserving your friendship. Then just wait and see if you hear back. You still have a long time until the wedding, but if it gets close and you never hear anything more from her you can just assume she's chosen to take herself out of the wedding and let it lie.
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think you need to separate the friendship from your wedding. Right now you are confusing the two.

    1) Your MOH, or BM, do not have any obligations in your wedding except to show up to the ceremony on time, in the agreed upon attire, relatively sober. All the MOH does is stand next to you and hold your bouquet, possibly sign your marriage license (but someone else can do that too). There really isn't much difference between the MOH and BM. These are positions of honour.

    2) Anyone can offer to host a pre-wedding party for you. No one in the BP is obligated to host, pay for, or attend these parties. It was not appropriate of your mom to ask your MOH to help plan the shower.

    3) You had a 2.5 year engagement- lots of time to plan things without a rush, and even still, the things regarding your wedding party don't need to planned until under a year. You cannot expect unbridled enthusiasm for 2.5 years.

    HOWEVER.....

    I can understand your frustrations with your friend (she is your friend first, not your MOH). I would be sure something isn't going on with her. It is very odd behaviour for a "best friend" to all of a sudden stop talking to you. Make sure you don't always bring up the wedding and when you hang out it's not always for wedding related events. But I do understand being frustrated if she acts jealous and petty towards you/ your other friends, and it's not cool if she really has dropped you from her life without a word- but I'd be sure about this.

    The real question is- are you saying you are wanting to end your friendship with her? Completely? If not, then no, asking her to step down as your MOH just because she isn't living up to your expectations is not cool- THAT is a friendship ending move. If yes, then end the friendship, "Friend, it seems you and I have grown in different ways and our friendship is no longer compatible. I wish you the best!", and she will automatically be out of your wedding.

    As for asking your BM to be your MOH- I dunno.... in one way, I can see you saying, "BM, you and I have become really close and I really value our friendship. I'd like to see you standing right beside me as my MOH on my wedding day" and that would not be offensive (to me). But on the other hand, it can also sound like, "Well now that my other friend is no longer my best friend, YOU can be my best friend and be my MOH now!", which sounds exactly like how my friends and I often were in elementary school when you can only have one best friend.

    Why can you not let things play out? Tell your MOH/BMs, "X dress from Y store". If your friend (MOH) shows up the day of in the agreed upon attire, then great, she's your MOH! If she doesn't, then you know the friendship is off and you continue to celebrate the day with your other friends. No, you don't *need* to have an MOH and if anyone asks you can be honest that you had a friend as your MOH and she chose to end the friendship. You're still 9 months out from your wedding, a lot can happen between now and then.
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    cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie1442424572 said:
    okay so, I asked my "best friend" of 6 years to be my maid of honor and 4 other good friends to be my bridesmaids. Went great at the time.. (1) but over the last year in our 2.5 year engagement,
    This is why we generally advise people not to chose a BP so early on in the process...relationships and budgets can change so much over the course of a year or more.  Unfortunately you cannot go back on this.

    my best friend has bailed, flaked and made excuses on going to important wedding events that I've invited her to.
    The only event that she has to attend is the wedding itself. 

    One of my bridesmaids is a good friend of mine who is also marring my fh's best friend. We've gotten a lot closer and I feel as though my "best friend" has completely ignored me because of jealousy.
    Have you had any NON-WEDDING conversations with her?  I am NOT suggesting that you flat out ask her if she is jealous, but maybe she has other things going on in her life?

    She has had past issues of her own about my friend/bridesmaid that I have gotten close with. And now when I try to get in touch with her she won't respond. Nothing at all.
    Is this typical behavior?  People won't change because you're getting married.

    I'm not going to kiss ass because you can't put your insecurities aside to be my best friend during this crazy time in my life.
    If your wedding planning is "Crazy" you're doing it wrong.

    I should be able to have other friends. My question is, is it okay for me to ask my friend to be my maid of honor.. since my "best friend" has completely cut me off, with no explanation what so ever... I don't want my friend to feel like 2nd choice, but it just seems right. We are 9 months out from the wedding.
    Nope!

    Okay, I get that you feel like your "best friend" has let you down but kicking her out of your wedding is a friendship ending move.  Additionally "replacing" her with a different person may damage your blossoming friendship as this friend will likely feel second best. 

    Knottie1442424572 said:
    Last time I checked when your in someone's wedding, someone's Maid of Honor you help with those duties of the title.
    I can understand that there are other sources that claim MOH comes with duties and responsibilities, but frankly they're wrong.  The only thing your MOH/BM needs to do is show up to the wedding on time, in the specified (in-budget) dress, relatively sober and happy.  Anything beyond that is up to the person to offer.

    When I needed to get the girls together for bridesmaids dresses, it was always an excuse on why she couldn't go... with weeks in advance! My mom has reached out to her about having her help plan the bridal shower.. no response.
    GAH!!! Your mom shouldn't be asking your MOH to help throw a shower (unless the MOH explicitly offered to host said shower).  It sounds like she is being pressured into hosting and that is NOT COOL!

     I never expected her to drop her life to do things with me but even if I tried to work around her schedule it just never worked for her. But It's not just wedding events. She always had an excuse when I'd ask to meet up or go out for lunch. (This was going on prior to me getting engaged and asking her to be my moh)
    Sounds like she is a bit of a flaky person.  A wedding won't change this in a person.

    If it were her getting married and me being her moh, I'd be over the moon excited for her, and ready to help whenever I can. Maybe I just have that all wrong.  
    Everyone is different, you can't force her to be just like you.  Maybe she just isn't weddings much?

    I'm just tired of always being the one to put effort into a friendship that's supposed to be 50/50.
    so because she's not in my life anymore I'm not to have a maid of honor? 
    I don't think it is worth it to "replace" her.  I would let it all be and what happens, happens.  FWIW, I didn't have a MOH and everything was fine.  (I had 4 equal BMs)
    This post makes it sound like you are done with your friendship...Is this because of the wedding or have these feelings been there longer?  You may want to step back and evaluate your own thoughts before you do or say anything else.

    Knottie1442424572 said:
    Like I said we were having these issues prior the whole wedding. I've tried to ask what has been going on and sometimes she opens up but most times she doesn't. We have gone several months without talking not by my choice. I've reached out to see if everything is going okay. To me it's not just the title of moh. She's my best friend and want her apart of it. I guess that's too much to ask. I think it's extremely immature to just drop someone who's been in your life for so many years without an explanation or simply just say you don't want to be in my life anymore. But for me to send multiple calls/texts over a string of months and get nothing back is hurtful. 

    Seems like she may be drifting away.  That is good for you if you don't want her to be a MOH...she will likely just take herself out of the wedding and you won't have to do anything.  If you want to remain friends I would keep an open line of communication but don't try to force anything.

    Knottie1442424572 said:
    She's not in another state. Literally 15 minutes away from each other. It's not necessarily replacing her if she left. 

    Location is irrelevant, and if she leaves then you don't have to worry.  I am not sure how your new friend would feel being asked to be a MOH at this point in the game though.  I guess some people might feel honored, but I personally would feel second place...I don't think it is worth the risk to "replace" her vacancy like you are hiring for some job.  Just honor your friends as BMs and let the silly titles go!

    *Even if this is MUD I answered for the lurkers out there!

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    TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1442424572 said:
    Last time I checked when your in someone's wedding, someone's Maid of Honor you help with those duties of the title. When I needed to get the girls together for bridesmaids dresses, it was always an excuse on why she couldn't go... with weeks in advance! My mom has reached out to her about having her help plan the bridal shower.. no response. I never expected her to drop her life to do things with me but even if I tried to work around her schedule it just never worked for her. But It's not just wedding events. She always had an excuse when I'd ask to meet up or go out for lunch. (This was going on prior to me getting engaged and asking her to be my moh) If it were her getting married and me being her moh, I'd be over the moon excited for her, and ready to help whenever I can. Maybe I just have that all wrong.  I'm just tired of always being the one to put effort into a friendship that's supposed to be 50/50.
    so because she's not in my life anymore I'm not to have a maid of honor? 
    Oh dear, those are just made up "duties" by the wedding industry, they aren't real. The only "duties" an MOH has are: buy dress, show up (relatively sober and in good spirits), and if need be, act as a witness, pose for pictures. End of story. 

    You do not need an MOH. We actually tell people not to pick their wedding party more than a year from their wedding date primarily because of situations like yours. 

    You have to either suck it up or irrevocably damage your relationship. 
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2016
    Dear god, woman! You are complaining that she hasn't done the 'duties required of the title' over the 2.5 YEARS of your engagement? This is one of the most insane and self-centred things I've ever heard. 

    So go ahead, and replace her for not living up to the 'duties of her title'.  But just make sure you've discussed this with HR to make sure you have a written performance plan for her. Then in her 6 month formal review you can discuss what she has delivered against this plan. Make sure she knows that she can bring a representative from her trade union to these meetings, as is required by law. When she objectively isn't meeting her performance requirements, you can discuss redundancy pay and being paid out for her holiday entitlements. I mean, it's not fair to the rest of the staff for her to be continually drawing a salary when not meeting the duties of the title.

    Oh, wait. What's that? She isn't a salaried employee but rather someone you consider a close friend who you are demanding work for free to give you attention?  Maybe quit behaving like an utter and completely entitled arse and be grateful you have ANY friends left. 

    The world doesn't revolve around you. Stop acting like it does. 
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    kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    OP, dirty deletes are not just rude, they are pointless once you have been quoted. Just because no one said "sure, end a friendship over a wedding shopping excursion" doesn't mean the advice you received wasn't valuable. 

    At at the end of the day, it's your friendship and your life. Do as you please, but you asked a bunch of strangers for advice and they took the time to answer you. 
    image
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I figured it was a matter of time before this one got DDed . 




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