Etiquette

Daddy Problems

Hello lovely brides to be,

I am struggling with my father, who left when I was a freshman to live in Florida with his new wife. He has not been in my life at all and has not attended any events for as long as I can remember. 
(He showed up at my moms house when I was 15 with 18 trash bags, cussing me out and telling me he did not want me living with him anylonger. Accompanying him was his wife talking trash about me, straight to my face.)
I finally saw him after 5 years of barley any communication while I was visiting my grandmother in Florida. Sadly, when I went to his house, there was no sight, pictures or anything of me. It hurt more than you know... I cried all night on my fiances shoulder. It's like I do not matter to him, at all.

His wife Facebook messaged me and asked if he is walking me down the aisle on the big day and I kindly responded that I do not think that is appropriate considering my father cannot even call to say hello.
She got very upset, told me she thinks its best if they do not communicate with me and BLOCKED ME.. 
I tried calling my dad and step mother, with suddenly being blocked on both phones without even talking to my father about the topic..

Under these circumstances, should I still invite him for the special day or should I pass on it?
This has been bothering me for months and I just need some friendly advice, my heart is so torn since it is my dad, but he is not a father the same time. 

Help please!

Re: Daddy Problems

  • mollybarker11mollybarker11
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited December 2016
    I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I would not invite them to the wedding.

    edit// Didn't catch that the wedding is so far off. My response was based on the clear indication that they aren't interested in being in your life. If that changes by the time your invites are sent you can decide then.

    ppgbebkimmiinthemitten
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    ppgbeb said:
    Hello lovely brides to be,

    I am struggling with my father, who left when I was a freshman to live in Florida with his new wife. He has not been in my life at all and has not attended any events for as long as I can remember. 
    (He showed up at my moms house when I was 15 with 18 trash bags, cussing me out and telling me he did not want me living with him anylonger. Accompanying him was his wife talking trash about me, straight to my face.)
    I finally saw him after 5 years of barley any communication while I was visiting my grandmother in Florida. Sadly, when I went to his house, there was no sight, pictures or anything of me. It hurt more than you know... I cried all night on my fiances shoulder. It's like I do not matter to him, at all.

    His wife Facebook messaged me and asked if he is walking me down the aisle on the big day and I kindly responded that I do not think that is appropriate considering my father cannot even call to say hello.
    She got very upset, told me she thinks its best if they do not communicate with me and BLOCKED ME.. 
    I tried calling my dad and step mother, with suddenly being blocked on both phones without even talking to my father about the topic..

    Under these circumstances, should I still invite him for the special day or should I pass on it?
    This has been bothering me for months and I just need some friendly advice, my heart is so torn since it is my dad, but he is not a father the same time. 

    Help please!
    I'm sorry you have such a strained relationship with your father. For a December 2017 wedding you won't be sending invitations for a very long time so I'd put this question on the back burner until you are much closer to the wedding date while still budgeting to include him and his wife in the meantime. So much can change in the next 9 months or so (for better or for worse). I'm hoping things change for the better for you. 

    Also, you may not be aware but it's considered very rude in the message board world to delete your post after receiving responses since people took the time to help you with your previous question and your question and the answers may help other people reading these boards. I'd advise, if you plan to continue posting on these boards, to not delete future posts.
  • For now, why not work on the relationship?   Figure out next October what you want to do.  
    ppgbeb
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2016
     Do you you even want a relationship with him? 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    ppgbeb
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Personally, I wouldn't even consider inviting them after everything that has happened. 

    AddieCakeppgbeb
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited December 2016
    Based on what you've posted here, I don't see that you have anything to gain by inviting your father to attend your wedding, let alone walk you down the aisle, except more pain. I think that if you did invite him and his wife and they attended, you would be spending what should be a happy, special day walking on eggshells waiting for them to explode instead of enjoying what should be a happy, special day.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with [expletives] like that. (((Hugs)))
    ppgbebcowgirl8238
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    If he blocked you from being able to contact him, he's sending you a clear message he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Or possibly the wife did all the blocking. Either way, I would see if he even makes any effort to be in your life before you worry about an invitation that won't go out for nearly a year.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    MairePoppyDrillSergeantCat
  • I do want him in my life, more than anything honestly. I know the wedding is a year away, this has been something on my heart from graduation, to my first prom on down. This has been something I have been thinking about this for 4+ years now, I just cannot stop thinking about it. I mean that is the man who created and raised me, regardless.

    I know the wedding is a long time from now, but I was just hoping for helpful tips to help me with this problem.

    Time has never changed anything with him so I am not expecting it to now. This is a very touchy subject for me, because I know his wife is the reason for this. He loved me more than anything before he met her, then they started dating and immediately got married, then he lost interest in me and my life. 

    Also, I am sorry for deleting my prior post, I am brand new to this site and I honestly do not completely understand how all of this works! Please just give me a little bit of room to mess up and learn this ladies, I would do the same for you! :)
  • Thank you very much! I appreciate all of the input!!
    I just got some very ugly messages from some unhappy ladies, I really do not want to upset anyone, ever!
    I promise from here on out, I will reread my discussion before I post it, knowing I cannot delete now lol
    MairePoppy
  • I have been busting my booty to work on the relationship, he was trying for a few months, then it just stops out of nowhere.
    I even talked to my grandmother, that was a very emotional conversation. She was stating how she noticed that the step mom is possessive of him and he cannot talk to anyone without her listening and joining into the conversation.

    It's funny because before the Facebook message, they were SO excited to come to the wedding. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    Is it possible that your father doesn't know that his wife blocked your number from their phones? You could reach out to your paternal grandparents to let them know what's going on. Your Father's Wife may be the troublemaker in this situation, but he needs to strap on a pair and stand up to her.

    If you want a relationship with your father, send him an invitation. 
                
    ppgbebOliveOilsMomDrillSergeantCat
  • I honestly think it would have to be that because it was maybe a little over a minute after she blocked me and I tried getting into contact with my father and nothing would go through. 

    How do I show him she's the problem? I tried my entire middle school years.
  • Thank you, thank you to everyone! Y'all do not even know how good it feels to get this off of my chest and just talk about it.  <3
    I have so much amazing advice I look forward to discussing with my fiance, thank you my fellow brides to be and wife's who helped! :smile:
    I also cannot wait to hear from more ladies!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    ppgbeb said:
    Thank you very much! I appreciate all of the input!!
    I just got some very ugly messages from some unhappy ladies, I really do not want to upset anyone, ever!
    I promise from here on out, I will reread my discussion before I post it, knowing I cannot delete now lol
    Woah, I missed this before. If any community members have sent you ugly messages, please contact @KnotRiley or @KnotHolly . Include a screenshot, if you can.



                
    CMGragain
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    ppgbeb said:
    Thank you very much! I appreciate all of the input!!
    I just got some very ugly messages from some unhappy ladies, I really do not want to upset anyone, ever!
    I promise from here on out, I will reread my discussion before I post it, knowing I cannot delete now lol
    Woah, I missed this before. If any community members have sent you ugly messages, please contact @KnotRiley or @KnotHolly . Include a screenshot, if you can.
    I honestly think she's looking at @climbingwife's reply and others when she says this, but yes, she should do what you suggest.

    Anniversary

    MairePoppy
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    I have to be honest, I feel like your inconstincies in the story lead to more holes you're not telling us. 

    Which is fine; at the end of the day the question is do you want him there or not?  If the answer is no, there's no need to exaggerate a back story to justify it, don't invite him, or invite him under the clear pretense that he won't be doing "dad stuff" and let him choose. 

    But first you hadnt spoken in years, then you say you've been building a relationship. His wife is the reason you're no longer close and she reached out to discuss wedding plans?  I just feel like something's gotta give here. 
    image
    LondonLisacharlotte989875climbingwifeHeffalump
  • ppgbeb said:
    I honestly think it would have to be that because it was maybe a little over a minute after she blocked me and I tried getting into contact with my father and nothing would go through. 

    How do I show him she's the problem? I tried my entire middle school years.
    You can't. She may be the one who blocked you, but he's not calling you either. If he picks up the phone and calls you, you can let him know that you haven't been able to get through to his number. But you said it yourself, he's can't even be bothered to pick up the phone.

    It's easy to blame the wife and assume that she's turned him into this bad guy, but he's a grown adult. If he wanted to be the good father that you remember, he would. Are you sure he was ever really that great? His behavior during your middle school and high school years sounds pretty crappy. Could you be looking at the day from your early years with rose colored glasses?

    Anyway, I'm with PPs. Focus on the good things in your life. You can't magically turn your dad into a good guy, just because you're getting married. The ball is in his court. If he wants a relationship with you, he can pick up the phone.


    THIS!!!


    Also @ppgbeb, when you are responding to a specific user or response it is best to use the "Quote" button so that the boxes appear above what you are typing!  Makes it a lot easier to follow who you are talking to.

    OliveOilsMom
  • The number one thing from reading your OP and replies - it's time to invest into some counseling with a professional as well as marriage prep with your FI.  This is not a negative and something we recommend on the boards for all couples, but especially those with "parent issues" because this stuff will have a way of popping up through your marital life and a little invested on the marriage and family planning end will pay dividends when life happens.  But also, you've awakened to what "is is".  As much as you'd like to change your father and go back to that wonderful relationship you once had before ESM entered the picture, you can't.  I presume ESM is who did the blocking.  In the future, do not communicate with your father in the third person when/if contact ever resumes.  The reason to do some personal counseling - is this will eventually come out in a multitude of stressful directions in your life if you fail to do the proper due diligence ahead of time.  

    When it comes to the invitation - I'd go nondescript, put it in a plain (larger) envelope with the outer only addressed to him with the schedule of events you'd like him to attend and participate in.  Yes, you're likely stuck inviting ESM on the inner because they are a social unit whether you like her or not.  Ultimately though, you need to release the energy to the universe because it's his choice to decide whether or not he wants to attend and/or participate to the capacity you're wanting him to.  Do not plan that your wedding is going to be the waving of a magic fairy wand with him that he'll see how controlling his wife is over the situation.  In the future, do not communicate with her. Extend the fig leave, but leave it up to him to decide and only communicate through him.  Something tells me other members of the family may be in contact with him so that might be your best route to find out under what parameters and conditions the lines of communication can be opened through.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    short+sassyppgbeb
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member

    I think you should try calling your dad from a number other than your cell or home phone.  Do you go to your grandmother's house?  Can you call him from that line?  Can you use something that will hide your phone number?  If you can actually speak with him, tell him you have been trying to get in touch with him and your number seems to be blocked.  Don't blame SM. 

    Just work on your relationship with your dad and keep SM out of it as much as possible.  It is very possible that she blocked all of your accounts from showing.  But its also possible that your dad knows about it and doesn't care (as sad as that is).  But if you can get him on the phone, it can straighten everything out for you.  With this new knowledge, you can decide how to move forward (or not) with your dad.

    Either way, I think you need to try and get some counseling.  The relationship you have/had with your dad is very complicated and you could do some good mental things for yourself, if you can talk to a counselor about it.

    MairePoppyMesmrEweppgbeb
  • I have to be honest, I feel like your inconstincies in the story lead to more holes you're not telling us. 

    Which is fine; at the end of the day the question is do you want him there or not?  If the answer is no, there's no need to exaggerate a back story to justify it, don't invite him, or invite him under the clear pretense that he won't be doing "dad stuff" and let him choose. 

    But first you hadnt spoken in years, then you say you've been building a relationship. His wife is the reason you're no longer close and she reached out to discuss wedding plans?  I just feel like something's gotta give here. 
    As a stepmom who has belongs to a stepmom support group, I can vouch for this. So many times I heard stories from the Child Of Divorce's perspective that do not line up with reality. I'm not calling your a Keyser Soze, OP. But there's genuinely a skewed and blurred vision in many of these situations. What led him to dumping your things off in trash bags at your moms? How do you and your stepmom specifically clash? 
  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. My relationship with my father is also strained, though I can't begin to understand the pain of the abandonment you've gone through. I wouldn't invite him, but then again, I know it's not that easy.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    ppgbeb
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards