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Etiquette

Private Elopement Etiquette Questions!

Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here! 

First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well? 

Thanks for any help I can get!!! 
Knottie8e4c97ca372830c0
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Re: Private Elopement Etiquette Questions!

  • edited December 2016
    Hello! Me & my Fiancee will be getting married in October 2017 at the Grand Canyon- we plan to make a big trip out of it, getting on Route 66 & stopping along the way to get married! We're both very excited about the idea, as we both have never wanted to have a formal wedding!
    Our plan is to come home & have a "celebration" that next weekend- I'll wear my dress, he will be in his tux & we'll invite everyone we would have if it was a tradition ceremony. No gifts, just a regular reception after a ceremony without the ceremony.

    I have a few questions & I believe I should probably separate them by forums but I'll give it a shot all here! 

    First, I do not know how to go about invitations! I have my wording down pretty well, but I don't know when exactly I would send that out. It's making me consider have the "celebration" a few weeks after the trip, instead of just a week. I wouldn't know how early to send it without confusing people about invites and what they'll be going to.

    Also, I don't know how to go about having a shower. I wasn't sure if any one on here could give me some insight on if people would be offended by me "asking for gifts" but not inviting them to the wedding. But, people with destination weddings have showers, right? Not everyone can make it to the destination ceremony- which is kind of what this is! Can I still have a shower & follow the same guidelines as for the timeline of when to have it as well? 

    Thanks for any help I can get!!! 
    SITB




    Your plans are going to garner quite a lot of criticism here, particularly for having a wedding (your elopement) then having a redo/reenactment a week later. The best plan would be to have a celebration of marriage party, but not having another ceremony/vows. I'm less of a purist and say wear whatever you want to this, but some people will say no white wedding dress. But the point is you will already be married by this point so you shouldn't be trying to do it again. 

    As for the shower only people that are invited to the wedding (when you actually get married) not the celebration of marriage party should be invited to a shower. So since you're not inviting anywone to the ceremony you shouldn't be inviting or having a shower. This is different from DW's because anyone that's invited to the DW whether they can attended or not can be invited to the shower. The point here is that it's rude to invite someone to a pre-wedding party (not just showers but engagement parties, bridal teas, bachelorette parties, etc) and not invite them to the actual event. 

    I know this probably sounds harsh, but when you choose a certain type of event (eloping) you forever other pre-wedding parties or large receptions with ceremonies. No one type of wedding is better or more appropriate than the other but they all come with consequences of your choices. 
    InLoveInQueensei34PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2016
    Well...since you'll have already had your wedding, you shouldn't wear your dress or do any of the normal trappings of a wedding. Also, you shouldn't have a shower because by eloping you forgo the normal traditions of a wedding. You can't invite people to pre-wedding events if they're not invited to the wedding. You aren't having a destination wedding so you can't compare the two. It's a destination elopement, not wedding. Big difference. 

    ETA - my advice is that if you want all the normal wedding things, have a very small wedding. 
    InLoveInQueensei34PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • People on here will tell you not to call it a wedding reception because your 'reception' does not follow your actual wedding. I personally wouldn't care what you call it as long as I am hosted properly (e.g. enough food, a seat etc). A party is still a party regardless of name, but you aren't really supposed to call your celebration 'a reception.' However, isn't it a bit weird to have a shower for people to give you gifts for a wedding they won't actually be attending? I would feel a bit strange about giving people a gift for a wedding I will not attend. I think etiquette states that you should give a gift if you receive an invite, even if you can't go. However, your destination wedding example is not relevant because you are not having a wedding, where some people cannot attend. You are eloping so no-one else is invited. I would find a bridal shower a bit odd/rude but I would get over it if the reception was properly hosted, (e.g. if I had a full meal, no cash bar). If you don't properly host your celebration and expect a bridal shower, I would find that rude.
    [Deleted User]Knottie8e4c97ca372830c0
  • Thank you everyone!

    I do plan on having it more of a party- less of a reception, but most family & friends have requested that we wear our dress & suit so they can see! 

    I was told on another forum that I had to call it an elopment, because that is what it is- but I'm not secretly doing anything. Both our family & friends know, it is just that no one wants/plans to make it. No one wants to travel that far. 

    I understand about the shower! I wanted to make sure! I'd be happy to send invitations to everyone, but everyone has already admitted they wouldn't come. So I'm not going to waste the papers. That is why I made the destination wedding example, because anyone who would come could come, they just won't.  
    Knottie8e4c97ca372830c0
  • thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come. 
    I asked about invitations & a shower.
    No to the shower-got it. 
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come. 
    I asked about invitations & a shower.
    No to the shower-got it. 
    Look...YOU called it an elopement. Elopement means in secret. We can't infer from that that you actually invited people. This is a public forum and people are going to respond to whatever they want to respond to. You can't control that.
    InLoveInQueens
  • thanks to the people who answered the questions asked & didn't comment on things that your opinion behind a keyboard isn't going to change. We're wearing the dress & the tux. We're having the party a week later because it isn't secret- just no guests will come. 
    I asked about invitations & a shower.
    No to the shower-got it. 
    You posted about what you're planning to do.   That opens the door for commentary.

    You mentioned whether or not the party at one week later was making sense.   

    These aren't survey questions.   This box lets members write what they want.   

    I don't particularly understand why you'd want to wear a wedding dress to the reception is the idea was to have a private wedding.  It doesn't make a ton of sense to me.   Are you having a formal party that week later?   
    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMom
  • God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?
    Knottie8e4c97ca372830c0
  • God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?
    I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you. 
    cowgirl8238
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?
    I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you. 
    Such a shock...she deleted her account. 
  • God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?
    I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you. 
    Such a shock...she deleted her account. 
    This wasn't even a mean one!!!
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    This wasn't even a mean one!!!
    I'm learning that people really cannot accept it when their bad ideas are not validated. The funny thing is, I went to look at the thread where she was told she had to call it an elopement and this was her only discussion and were her only replies. Unless she's a re-reg, nobody here told her that.
    SP29PrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • If you can't handle random questions on a forum what do you do during family events?  
    AddieCakeei34SP29PrettyGirlLost
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    banana468 said:
    If you can't handle random questions on a forum what do you do during family events?  
    Curl up in the fetal position in a dark corner while sucking her thumb?
    ei34
  • God, open the flood gates of wedding McNasty. I was told by one of you fellow "you can't do that" forum stalkers that it had to be called an elopement. I guess that proves if I listen to you guys, I'm not getting good answers at all, huh?
    I'm so confused. I think people have been pretty helpful! If you disagree you can always just ignore them. No one has been nasty to you. 
    Such a shock...she deleted her account. 
    There have been of few of those lately it seems.
  • Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.
    CMGragainInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLostcowgirl8238
  • edited December 2016
    Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.
    But you don't understand, all these people will be absolutely devastated if they won't get to go to this couple's fake wedding play pretend party. /s

    It is so frustrating when people choose to have a private ceremony and act like all people care about is the party afterwards and they won't be sad to not get to see the actual wedding and only get a runner's up prize.

    Anyone wanna bet if OP is planning on having a big wedding cake and "first"/spotlight dance?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Nothing irks me more (well almost nothing) than people who want their cake and eat it too. Either elope and don't have a reception with all the trimmings or have a ceremony (only one) followed by a reception. You can't have it both ways.
    But you don't understand, all these people will be absolutely devastated if they won't get to go to this couple's fake wedding play pretend party. /s

    It is so frustrating when people choose to have a private ceremony and act like all people care about is the party afterwards and they won't be sad to not get to see the actual wedding and only get a runner's up prize.

    Anyone wanna bet if OP is planning on having a big wedding cake and "first"/spotlight dance?
    Not gonna bet against a sure thing.
  • edited December 2016
    @Jen4948 What's wrong with having a wedding cake? It's just cake! lol Parties have cake. The fact it may have white icing and flowers isn't a big deal. Same with the first dance. Who cares if she does another dance with her partner? It's not as if it affects the guests enjoyment.
    Knottie8e4c97ca372830c0
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