Pre-wedding Parties

Bride seeking Bachelorette reimbursement...

Re: Bride seeking Bachelorette reimbursement...

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2016
    Lots of brides don't get showers or bachelorette parties at all.  Why did you think you were entitled to one?  Very tacky. 
    You need to apologize to your bridesmaids.  You overstepped, and you were rude.  Their only duties as bridesmaids are to show up on your wedding day, dressed in the dress, walk down the aisle with you and stand with you as you say your vows.  They should pose for your photos.  That is all.  Selecting them as bridesmaids mean that YOU are honoring THEM, not the other way around.
    Welcome to the Knot.  I hope you stick around.  We will be glad to help you avoid making any other mistakes like this one - and this is a BIG mistake.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2016
    Hello!  I'm trying to gauge whether my concerns with the bachelorette situation I've found myself in are justified...

    The situation:
    -I've asked that a particular bridesmaid (not the MoH) plan the bachelorette since it will be in her city, San Diego (the rest of us are driving distance away).  
    -Although she's the only one not traveling, she's expressed concerns with it being between Jan-April because that's her busy season at work (we work in the same industry) but my wedding is in early May.  
    -Once I pressed forward with a weekend in March, and once I researched all options and at last found an Airbnb I think everyone will really enjoy, she asked that I front the money for the Airbnb.  The rationale was that all women attending know me, but not all know her, so they would likely feel more comfortable reimbursing me.  
    -We've asked several times that women only list themselves as "attending" if they are truly committed, and 15 are coming.  The Airbnb for all 15 of us has cost me $2,000 for the weekend.
    -I'm now tasked with following up individually with all 15 women, and it is very uncomfortable asking people repeatedly for money.  The facebook event with the date and the approx price per person (which I stuck to when booking) has been posted for a very long time, so I would have hoped that it wouldn't come as such sudden notice to anyone.  

    I think that, at least, my bridesmaids could assist me in reaching out to those who have not paid.  Is that a justified ask?  Does anyone have best practices in these scenarios, where you have to pay up front and then seek reimbursement, to make sure you don't get stiffed by anyone who bails?  


    Wait!  You planned your own bachelorette party, and now you expect other people to pay for attending it?  Where on earth did you get this idea, and why did you think it was appropriate?
    If I were one of your bridesmaids, I would not attend this mess.

    PS.  My daughter's bach. party was a night at a bar, where her friends bought her a few drinks.
  • Look, lets not be under any illusions here. Planning a batchelorette party can be really sucky. I've planned a few in my time and collecting the money is always the worst part of it. There's always at least a few that you have to chase up for the deposit or whatever. If they all knew the cost up front and agreed to come then you need a deadline for payment and to contact each person individually to discuss when or if they plan to get it to you. If anyone decides to bail there really isn't anything you can do about it, short of trying to force them to pay. They either pay or they don't and you are stuck with the bill. Happens all the time. Now this is extra mucky because you have planned your party yourself, other posters have made the point that you should have let your friends offer.

    Oh, and P.S you probably shouldn't make a post about how your bridesmaids are letting you down under a username comprised of both you and your FI's real names. Not only does it make your own information way too freely available to strangers, but it makes this post very easy for people you know to see this. You really don't want that.
  • Reading the title of this post, I thought it was going to be about a BM writing in to complain about the bride demanding her to cough up money for her party.  I would have told her that she's under no obligation to attend/pay for any parties the bride planned for herself (or even that someone else planned for her).    

    Since you already asked your BM to throw you a party and you already paid the deposit, I agree with PPs that your best way forward from here is to apologize to your BM for putting her on the spot like that, and to assume that you're out $2000 for the airbnb.  You could tell people that they can't stay with you unless they pay their portion, but then you do risk having no one show up, and you're still out $2000.  I'd chalk it up to a lesson learned for any future trips you take with your friends, to not spend their money before you have it.
  • PPs have covered the past mistakes here's how to avoid more in the future.

    1) Apologize to your friend, because you put her in a terrible position to "host" a party when she specifically said it was a bad time.

    2) Tell you guests you need x money by y date or else they can't stay. What's the cancellation policy with the Airbnb hosts? You're far enough out you will probably get most/all of your money back now if they back out.

     3) Take a step back and remember these are your friends and bachelorette parties are optional. If they can make this type of party work, great. But if they can't cancel the arrangements and plan something less expensive. Better yet wait until someone offers to actually throw you a party and let them host it. 

    4) Remember that at the end of the day you're getting married, that is the import thing. Not where parties were held or what happened in the run-up to the wedding but that you're marrying your person. Keep that in perspective when things don't go the way you picture. 
  •  In addition to this story being a perfect example of why planning your own Bach party is a bad idea, it's also a reason why so often BMs don't not want to throw Bach parties.  Some bride's expectations are too high, some ignore BMs who say a time doesn't work for them...not cool.

    I've planned three Bach parties, and for me one of the most important things is each guests' cost per person is set in stone.  I HATE this ^ kind of scenario, where $2000 divided by 15 will all of a sudden be more expensive if only 5 or 10 end up going.  Just poor party planning.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers pressured your BM to host the party even though she said it wasn't a good time for her, went ahead and planned it yourself, and now you're wondering why people are reluctant to come? Suck it up, buttercup, this mess is all on you. 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sorry, can't help you. This is a train wreck and you're the engineer.

    It started when you decided to take an active role in planning a bachelorette party for yourself. Then you asked someone to host it and insisted on a day and time that isn't convenient for her.  (I assume she does taxes, because I do too and that is an extremely busy time of year for tax preparers. We have to work lots of overtime and we hate being expected to deal with additional stress, like planning big events, during that period.) 

    Unless you checked with your guests beforehand and got their agreement to attend and pay for a bachelorette party in what is for most of them an out-of-town location, you're stuck eating the cost of the Airbnb if they aren't going to attend, let alone pony up, their shares of the cost.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yep, this one is all on you. You're just going to have to suck it up and move on. And definitely apologize to your friend. 

    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
  • The situation you are in where you have fronted the costs for this party and are now stuck with the bill is no different than any other host of a party. This is why it is up to the discretion of the host to decide what (s)he can comfortably host, where and at what budget.

    It was really shitty of you to plan your own bach party and then try to make one of your friends the host. You planned this party- you are the host- that means you are stuck with the rest of the planning, any costs associated with it and contacting the guests.

    I would tell everyone, "Please pay $X by Y date if you are attending". If your guests don't pay, then I would assume they are not attending, but you do remain stuck for the money. This is why planning a group vacation like this sucks and is not recommended. Different than everyone paying their own way and agreeing to show up at the same place at the same time.
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I'm setting the timer to "you're all mean and don't understand my situation." 10...9...8...
  • I'm setting the timer to "you're all mean and don't understand my situation." 10...9...8...
    This post is from a week ago....if she was going to come back just to GBCK, I think she would have already done it. 

    This is one of my pet peeves (people planning some extravagant party and then telling me what I owe). It's like people envision omg such amaaaaazing insta photos and ignore the fact that they're being totally disrespectful to their "friends". Not exactly the stuff long term relationships are made of.

  • Eeeeeek terrible situation all around! One of the first bachelorette parties I went to was OOT. I noticed the bride didn't have a purse, and the MOH was paying for things. I just figured either the MOH was being nice or she was holding the bride's cards & cash. 

    Nope. After the weekend, she sent out an email telling us we all owed $x to cover the bride's expenses for the weekend. It was never discussed with us beforehand, and we weren't told it was OOT until we got the invite. We're still friends, but damn if that wasn't a really shitty thing to do.
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