Maybe it's time to call it quits

DrillSergeantCat

Dear Prudence,
My girlfriend is a very friendly person who can also become petty and mean when she feels she has been hurt. The other day a former friend—who’d been condescending to her and ended their friendship—came up in conversation, and she started ranting about all the “random people” this person has slept with and got very short-tempered with a friend who tried to calm her down. I find it embarrassing that she continues to be so hot-headed about minor things. Sometimes I tell her she’s being mean and should stop, and she just gets angry at me. Is this actually an issue or am I just being controlling and need to let it go?

—Speak No Evil

MissKittyDanger

It's not always easy to let something go when someone who was suppose to be a friend hurt you. Clearly the gf was hurt deeply by this.

I was in a similar situation, and it took quite a few years to 'get over it' and if I'm honest, I'm really not. I just don't acknowledge it any more.

DrillSergeantCat

MissKittyDanger said:

It's not always easy to let something go when someone who was suppose to be a friend hurt you. Clearly the gf was hurt deeply by this.

I was in a similar situation, and it took quite a few years to 'get over it' and if I'm honest, I'm really not. I just don't acknowledge it any more.

I don't think the problem is that she's not over it; it's how she's handling her anger. She's telling private stuff about a former friend and then getting angrier when her BF tells her she's being mean.

MissKittyDanger

DrillSergeantCat said:

MissKittyDanger said:

It's not always easy to let something go when someone who was suppose to be a friend hurt you. Clearly the gf was hurt deeply by this.

I was in a similar situation, and it took quite a few years to 'get over it' and if I'm honest, I'm really not. I just don't acknowledge it any more.

I don't think the problem is that she's not over it; it's how she's handling her anger. She's telling private stuff about a former friend and then getting angrier when her BF tells her she's being mean.

True. She's dwelling on aspects of former-friend's life.
When I was dealing with it, I brought up the situation a lot - I also apologized every time and explained that I felt if I brought it up more, I would understand the issue. I'm wondering if LW's gf is doing same?

charlotte989875

Sounds like the GF has some anger issues. I think if the BF wants to continue the relationship he needs to bring this up when she's not being mean/angry. Tell her that her behavior upsets him and he'd like to see them work it out. By bringing it up when she's already heated isn't going to get him anywhere. 

bleve0821

I think it's a little concerning that LW is embarrassed by girlfriend's anger.  What LW considers to be a minor thing is obviously not minor to GF. Maybe she isn't handling her anger in an appropriate manner, but like @MissKittyDanger said, it can be hard to let go  of things like that. I, too, understand what that's like.  I think it's insensitive for LW to take GF's outbursts as a personal embarrassment, rather than trying to find a way to help her work through this.

VarunaTT

She really might not realize.  I honestly didn't realize I had a temper issue until a couple of friends said some things in college that set me aback.  Discussing it with her when she's not angry and approaching it as gently as you can is the way to handle it.  It might not go well, but that's all you can do.  I ended up working really hard on it and I took some anger management classes.  It's not something that really goes away, you just learn to manage it better.