Wedding Woes

Confessions

This is one of those days that I miss pumping. Our office has a really nice room for nursing moms, and I fell asleep in there while pumping more than once. (After being woken up the first time because my bottles overflowed, I started setting an alarm to make sure that didn't happen again.)

 I could really use a nap, and it's probably the best place in our building to take one. 
SP29
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Re: Confessions

  • I miss being able to take a nap. As much as I wasn't a fan of being on bed rest, I liked the fact that if I felt tired I could go take a nap and the party train {aka my cats} would come with me.
    short+sassySP29
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I hate, I mean HATE, my husband's dog. I liked him before he lived with me, but he's torn up $3,000 of wood flooring, he gets bored and eats whatever he can reach (week before Christmas he ate a pound of trail mix, ripped open a box of nerds and drooled all over them which has ruined the carpet in Mouse's room), he begs constantly, he uses my clothes as a bed.

    Some of this is my fault. I shouldn't have left the food within his reach and I should hang up my clothes, but I share a closet with Mouse and can't go hang up my stuff after he's asleep without turning the light on so I fold them and lay them by my nightstand where the stupid dog paws them over and lays on them. 
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I really wish my H would stop smoking. He isn't a chain smoker or anything, but he's been doing it long enough that I'm starting to worry about his teeth and gums, and he won't go to the dentist. He always has some excuse or something more important he'd rather do. And his hands are starting to smell like smoke all the time. They didn't use to. That is not a good smell at all to me. He always says he's going to quit, and I am seriously hoping that one of these times he actually does.

    SP29
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I think DH drinks too much and too frequently, and I don't know how to talk to him about it.  I don't even know if I think he has a drinking problem or not.  He doesn't get drunk, it doesn't affect *us*, it doesn't appear to be out of control, like his habits are changing or getting worse.  It doesn't seem to impact him or his day-to-day function.  All I know is that I just feel like it's too much.  And I worry.  Because I do think it's a lot, I do think it's too frequent, and alcoholism does run rampant in his family.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • @thefanciestbeckler  I feel you on the smoking. 6 months after M and I started dating, he quit. Within the last year he's gone back to smoking. I grew up with both parents smoking and hated it, I stress this all the time.
    M won't see dr or dentist *rolls eyes* men ...

    @AtomicBlonde  honestly, I would just sit down and say "look I've noticed a few things. Maybe it's just me but etc etc"
    Sometimes it's easier to just say it how you're seeing it then trying to explain.
    thefanciestbecklerOurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think DH drinks too much and too frequently, and I don't know how to talk to him about it.  I don't even know if I think he has a drinking problem or not.  He doesn't get drunk, it doesn't affect *us*, it doesn't appear to be out of control, like his habits are changing or getting worse.  It doesn't seem to impact him or his day-to-day function.  All I know is that I just feel like it's too much.  And I worry.  Because I do think it's a lot, I do think it's too frequent, and alcoholism does run rampant in his family.
    Is this something recent, maybe stress-related?
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2017

    @MissKittyDanger I know its a really really hard habit to break, so I try not to harp on the subject. He knows how I feel and he does want to quit, so I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later.


    I also have another one that I forgot to mention. Sometimes I'm afraid that DH will never be excited to have kids. We're on the same page with wanting kids, and he's fully aware that I could get pregnant any time since I'm not on BC anymore. But I just don't ever see him being thrilled about finding out that I'm pregnant. I want to be able to share in the excitement with him whenever it happens. All my friends' husbands have been over the moon excited to find out that they're going to be a dad. I don't want to tell him something like that and then hear about how he's worried about affording it, or even worse, him acting kind of apathetic about it. I hope I'm wrong. I think about it a lot, though.

    ETF word


  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2017
    I think DH drinks too much and too frequently, and I don't know how to talk to him about it.  I don't even know if I think he has a drinking problem or not.  He doesn't get drunk, it doesn't affect *us*, it doesn't appear to be out of control, like his habits are changing or getting worse.  It doesn't seem to impact him or his day-to-day function.  All I know is that I just feel like it's too much.  And I worry.  Because I do think it's a lot, I do think it's too frequent, and alcoholism does run rampant in his family.
    Is this something recent, maybe stress-related?
    No, he's been like this since I met him, and it has honestly always been a niggle of concern for me.  His patterns, habits, and consumption have not changed since I met him.  We have had a few conversations about how I feel like it's maybe too much, but they don't go anywhere, and I don't even know what kind of resolution I want.  Ideally, I'd like for him to reduce the quantity or the frequency, but I am not sure how to approach that conversation without making him feel like that's a choice he isn't making himself.  KWIM?  Like, if there is a problem that I am not seeing, I want to be there to help him work through it, but I know that he has to acknowledge the issue to start making a change, and he and I definitely don't see eye-to-eye on the definition of "too much" or "too frequent."

    Normally, I can go months without thinking about it, but my dad mentioned it over Christmas and I didn't like that he noticed.

    ETA a thought


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    charlotte989875ei34
  • I think DH drinks too much and too frequently, and I don't know how to talk to him about it.  I don't even know if I think he has a drinking problem or not.  He doesn't get drunk, it doesn't affect *us*, it doesn't appear to be out of control, like his habits are changing or getting worse.  It doesn't seem to impact him or his day-to-day function.  All I know is that I just feel like it's too much.  And I worry.  Because I do think it's a lot, I do think it's too frequent, and alcoholism does run rampant in his family.
    I could have written this. Both MIL and FIL drink WAY too much, and my H agrees with this, but because of this his definition of "too much" and mine (I grew up with a mom who I've never seen have more than 1 drink and this is only a few times a year, and a dad who has a couple beers on the weekends) vary greatly. I have talked to him about it, and we've gotten into arguments about it because he doesn't think it's a problem, and I worry about it purely from a health standpoint (does not affect his life, our relationship, etc.). He drinks everything extremely quickly (water, milk, etc.), and is 6' 3", 240 lbs, so not like alcohol really affects him until he's had a lot. Because of this, whenever he has "a drink" it's usually multiple. 

    Another part of the issue is I also sometimes like to drink maybe a little more than I should, but I am on call for my job a lot, and also have to get up early most mornings, so it's not often. Most nights I'm not on call I'll have a drink, but it's literally 1 wine cooler or glass of wine. But because I do also like to drink, it doesn't help my argument.

    We've gotten to somewhat of a compromise where he has drinks on no more than 3 nights a week, but the quantity still concerns me. But, I also don't feel like I can't tell him what to do, even though I still worry about his health.


    bleve0821
  • smoking is a deal breaker for me. I never dated smokers. (I was thinking about that when I was watching Mad Men - I never would have made it through a day on set. Cigarette smoke is a migraine trigger for me.)

    I get that it's tough to give up on a habit like that unless you're motivated and doing it for yourself. FIL was a 2pack/day smoker for ~40+ years, had a heart attack, a quad bypass and quit cold turkey after that. It sucks that it came to nearly dying before he quit, although I wonder if he'd still be alive today if her hadn't. (This was about 15 years ago - before I knew DK.)


    @AtomicBlonde - how much does he drink? why do you think it's too often/too much? if you said that it doesn't seem to be interfering with life/health/causing any issues, what criteria are you using to determine "too much/too frequent"? What triggered your dad's question? I think you need to really figure out why it's bothering you and what specifically is bothering you before you would approach him. 
    SP29kimmiinthemitten
  • @AtomicBlonde I too could have written this post. It is a sucky situation to be in to say the least. I think part of it also comes from the fact that his Step mother is basically a functioning alcoholic, she drinks daily at least a few drinks and then will have some days where she drinks more. My family on the other hand, I can count probably on one hand how many times I've seen my parents drink. So given that, I'm less comfortable with drinking during times when it isn't a celebration, during the week, etc. 

    It doesn't help that we are trying to save money and I feel like when you either drink alcohol or water there is a clear way to save money if we go out to eat. 
    image
    bleve0821
  • @thefanciestbeckler  I wish I had the patience like you. I keep bugging M to quit because "I am tired of you being stinky. It's an expensive habit and you don't need it. You didn't smoke for 5 years, wtf!"

    As for your worry about your H not being excited ... apparently that's actually not an unusual reaction if he does react like that. Some guys take a different way to process it. My suggestion, expect what you think he'll do and maybe he'll surprise you :)
    thefanciestbeckler
  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    *Barbie* said:

    @AtomicBlonde - how much does he drink? why do you think it's too often/too much? if you said that it doesn't seem to be interfering with life/health/causing any issues, what criteria are you using to determine "too much/too frequent"? What triggered your dad's question? I think you need to really figure out why it's bothering you and what specifically is bothering you before you would approach him. 
    He drinks on a daily basis.  During the week, it's anywhere from 2-4 drinks (the average is typically 3), generally just beer, over the span of several hours.  He doesn't drink particularly fast.  On the weekends, it tends to be more.  In contrast, I don't drink much or frequently during the week (glass of wine at most), and maybe a second glass if we go out on the weekend.

    Like @justsie and @Subwayloves have said, I also come from a family where I rarely saw my parents drink.  My mom started drinking when I was finishing up high school, and my dad has a bourbon once in a blue moon, so that's where I am coming from when I say I feel like DH drinks too much.  I have no idea if this is actually too much or not.  It feels to me like a lot, but my frame of reference is 1-2x/year or alcoholism with no real in-between.

    FIL is an alcoholic.  I have never once seen him without a drink in his hand.  I don't even know if I would qualify him as "functioning."  All of MIL's siblings are recovering alcoholics, so I mostly worry that DH could be heading down the same path.  And a small part of me also worries that if he does go down that path, he won't admit it and he won't seek help.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    @MissKittyDanger I know its a really really hard habit to break, so I try not to harp on the subject. He knows how I feel and he does want to quit, so I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later.


    I also have another one that I forgot to mention. Sometimes I'm afraid that DH will never be excited to have kids. We're on the same page with wanting kids, and he's fully aware that I could get pregnant any time since I'm not on BC anymore. But I just don't ever see him being thrilled about finding out that I'm pregnant. I want to be able to share in the excitement with him whenever it happens. All my friends' husbands have been over the moon excited to find out that they're going to be a dad. I don't want to tell him something like that and then hear about how he's worried about affording it, or even worse, him acting kind of apathetic about it. I hope I'm wrong. I think about it a lot, though.

    ETF word

    FWIW, it took awhile for the pregnancy to sink in for H. Several weeks. I don't think it really sunk in until we had the dating ultrasound and he actually saw the baby on the screen. When I told him, he was still half asleep (I tested early in the morning when I got up) and he didn't even remember when he really woke up later.  :|  To be honest, I don't think he really seemed "thrilled" for quite some time. He's only in the past three to four weeks or so (I'm almost 18) really started talking about it more and saying he can't wait to have the baby and touching my belly. I think it just takes awhile for some guys. I wouldn't take it as a sign he doesn't care. And worrying about finances is pretty normal. H and I are both worried about that a little bit. 

    Thank you for that @lovesclimbing! That eases my mind. By nature I'm a far more excitable and emotional person than DH anyways. I will say, though, he was SO excited to get married and I didn't expect him to be. So I guess we will see. Either way, I know he will be happy in the long run. I'll be worried about finances too, he just always goes straight to practicality before expressing any type of emotion. I appreciate you sharing! It makes me feel better!

    MissKittyDangerSP29cowgirl8238
  • On the subject of alcohol, one thing that is odd about my H is he is "all or nothing" when it comes to the stuff.  He very rarely drinks.  But, when he does, it is often EXTREMELY to excess.  Like, can barely walk or put together a coherent sentence.

    On the bright side, I should use the past tense.  It's been years since he's had a bad episode.  I talked to him about my concern "the day after" a couple of those episodes.  Now, I just keep my eye on how much he's had to drink once he starts.  On about Drink 3, I'll pull him aside and suggest he slow it way down.  In a helpful, not an angry tone.  He knows that's my warning that he has reached "mildy/medium drunk" and is always receptive.  In fact, he has always completely stopped drinking at that point, even though I would be just as happy with taking a break for an hour and just slowing it down.

    Of course, the bad episodes were always when I wasn't around anyway.  I think part of it is he has gotten older and become more of a homebody.  He just doesn't go out for the all nighters with his friends anymore.  But on the occasions when he will be around alcohol and I won't be there, I remind of his tendencies and to keep it limited to 1-2 drinks every couple hours.  

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    justsie
  • H told me the other day he wants to have a kid. Not now, but in the near future. However, now that he's on board I'm not actually sure I want a kid. 
  • @MissKittyDanger I know its a really really hard habit to break, so I try not to harp on the subject. He knows how I feel and he does want to quit, so I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later.


    I also have another one that I forgot to mention. Sometimes I'm afraid that DH will never be excited to have kids. We're on the same page with wanting kids, and he's fully aware that I could get pregnant any time since I'm not on BC anymore. But I just don't ever see him being thrilled about finding out that I'm pregnant. I want to be able to share in the excitement with him whenever it happens. All my friends' husbands have been over the moon excited to find out that they're going to be a dad. I don't want to tell him something like that and then hear about how he's worried about affording it, or even worse, him acting kind of apathetic about it. I hope I'm wrong. I think about it a lot, though.

    ETF word

    FWIW, it took awhile for the pregnancy to sink in for H. Several weeks. I don't think it really sunk in until we had the dating ultrasound and he actually saw the baby on the screen. When I told him, he was still half asleep (I tested early in the morning when I got up) and he didn't even remember when he really woke up later.  :|  To be honest, I don't think he really seemed "thrilled" for quite some time. He's only in the past three to four weeks or so (I'm almost 18) really started talking about it more and saying he can't wait to have the baby and touching my belly. I think it just takes awhile for some guys. I wouldn't take it as a sign he doesn't care. And worrying about finances is pretty normal. H and I are both worried about that a little bit. 

    Thank you for that @lovesclimbing! That eases my mind. By nature I'm a far more excitable and emotional person than DH anyways. I will say, though, he was SO excited to get married and I didn't expect him to be. So I guess we will see. Either way, I know he will be happy in the long run. I'll be worried about finances too, he just always goes straight to practicality before expressing any type of emotion. I appreciate you sharing! It makes me feel better!
    are we the same person? lmao ;)
    and are our husbands the same? lol

    also it might make a difference if you're trying for awhile
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer

    @MissKittyDanger I know its a really really hard habit to break, so I try not to harp on the subject. He knows how I feel and he does want to quit, so I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later.


    I also have another one that I forgot to mention. Sometimes I'm afraid that DH will never be excited to have kids. We're on the same page with wanting kids, and he's fully aware that I could get pregnant any time since I'm not on BC anymore. But I just don't ever see him being thrilled about finding out that I'm pregnant. I want to be able to share in the excitement with him whenever it happens. All my friends' husbands have been over the moon excited to find out that they're going to be a dad. I don't want to tell him something like that and then hear about how he's worried about affording it, or even worse, him acting kind of apathetic about it. I hope I'm wrong. I think about it a lot, though.

    ETF word

    FWIW, it took awhile for the pregnancy to sink in for H. Several weeks. I don't think it really sunk in until we had the dating ultrasound and he actually saw the baby on the screen. When I told him, he was still half asleep (I tested early in the morning when I got up) and he didn't even remember when he really woke up later.  :|  To be honest, I don't think he really seemed "thrilled" for quite some time. He's only in the past three to four weeks or so (I'm almost 18) really started talking about it more and saying he can't wait to have the baby and touching my belly. I think it just takes awhile for some guys. I wouldn't take it as a sign he doesn't care. And worrying about finances is pretty normal. H and I are both worried about that a little bit. 

    Thank you for that @lovesclimbing! That eases my mind. By nature I'm a far more excitable and emotional person than DH anyways. I will say, though, he was SO excited to get married and I didn't expect him to be. So I guess we will see. Either way, I know he will be happy in the long run. I'll be worried about finances too, he just always goes straight to practicality before expressing any type of emotion. I appreciate you sharing! It makes me feel better!
    are we the same person? lmao ;)
    and are our husbands the same? lol

    also it might make a difference if you're trying for awhile

    Lol I'm beginning to think we are the same person with the same husbands!

    MissKittyDanger
  • I have the exact same concerns about alcohol with regard to my FI.  It's just so hard to gauge what's okay and what's too much.  My FI and I are cocktail aficionados--we love discovering new flavor combinations and mixing up old classics.  So we will have a cocktail or two pretty often, which I don't feel is problematic.  But FI has a tendency to crack a beer after the cocktail(s), or when he gets home from work or when we are watching Netflix.  He's not getting sloshed, but it sometimes feels a bit...much.  But it's not interfering with the rest of his life so being a little concerned feels weird and judgy...after all, there are plenty of lighter drinkers out there who would probably find my alcohol use to be excessive.  But I also have the vague notion that I wish he had a beer in his hand a little less often.

    We both grew up in more or less non-drinking homes: his parents are recovering alcoholics who got sober around the time he was born, and my parents just don't really enjoy alcohol very much so they rarely drink.  So I guess maybe it's harder to navigate since we didn't have alcohol role models at home?  Or maybe it doesn't matter at all, since alcohol use is such a personal, individual thing anyway.
    bleve0821SP29justsie
  • I feel like I should ask my FI if I drink too much. I like wine with dinner and some nights I'll have a beer after too. It never occurred to me how it would be perceived by others. He drinks beer but generally just on the weekends. 
  • H told me the other day he wants to have a kid. Not now, but in the near future. However, now that he's on board I'm not actually sure I want a kid. 
    FWIW, I think that's normal.
    When suddenly you're the gatekeeper, it all gets EXTRA terrifying.
    cowgirl8238
  • @AtomicBlonde

    Thanks for answering. I get where you're coming from because my parents rarely drink - my dad basically never. Maternal grandfather was an alcoholic of some sort (functional? I never actually saw him drunk, but he always had a basement full of beer and empties). I've had similar discussions with DK about knowing when to stop and "is this excessive?" - It's taken a while, but i think we're at a pretty happy medium at this point. 

    I would say that I have a few drinks/month, on average. During vacations or celebrations, it's more frequent. I almost never have more than 1- 2 drinks in a night, and I have been drunk all of 2 times in my life - and not any time in the last 13 or so years.  I make wine and DK homebrews, and i tend to get him different liquors for gifts, so we always have a pretty well stocked house.

    DK has 1-2 drinks maybe 4-5 days/week. We do have an agreement that if he is out and is driving that he stops at 2, unless it's a very extended outing and he's eating too. He tends to have a delayed reaction to alcohol. Like he goes from 0 to drunk in a matter of minutes. I would worry about him if he'd go out (without me to DD) for this reason. He's introverted, and drinking helps him unwind in social situations. He didn't really agree with my (completely sober) assessment of the whole 0 to drunk thing, so would end up drinking more than was probably safe. He never had a DUI or any sort of drinking related consequences - so it took a valet refusing to give him his keys (+12 hours and some yelling on my part) to really take it seriously. 

    I don't give him a hard time about the current frequency because i figure he's at home, he's not doing anything dangerous, he's not drunk, it's not having a negative impact on our relationship or his parenting, and it's not a daily thing. 
  • On the drinking stuff; my Dad is an alcoholic, and my Mom never drinks (and is pretty judgy about drinking) so I never grew up with an appropriate role model or relationship to alcohol. In my 20s I drank too much; I drank on the weekends (never during the week) but would occasionally have more than I should. H also had a DUI in college (way before we met). It probably took us longer to develop healthy relationships with alcohol than it should have, but we both came to have better boundaries and limits.

    I do wonder how much our behavior as adults is affected by what we see adults do re:alcohol. In my house it was always bad so I have no doubt that when I finally was living on my own with very few limits I acted out. 
    VarunaTT
  • GBCK said:
    H told me the other day he wants to have a kid. Not now, but in the near future. However, now that he's on board I'm not actually sure I want a kid. 
    FWIW, I think that's normal.
    When suddenly you're the gatekeeper, it all gets EXTRA terrifying.
    Thanks GBCK, that does make me feel better. I was good when it was theoretical or "someday". Now that it's something he's on board for I'm not so sure. 
    cowgirl8238
  • There is a moment when you're 9 months PG and headed toward a hospital when you're all "WTF, who decided I was a grown up and let me do this?  WTF WTF swear swear swear"

    It's always good to think ahrd.  But...I dunno, getting married was scary too
    charlotte989875SP29cowgirl8238OliveOilsMom
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited January 2017

    @MissKittyDanger I know its a really really hard habit to break, so I try not to harp on the subject. He knows how I feel and he does want to quit, so I'm just hoping it happens sooner rather than later.


    I also have another one that I forgot to mention. Sometimes I'm afraid that DH will never be excited to have kids. We're on the same page with wanting kids, and he's fully aware that I could get pregnant any time since I'm not on BC anymore. But I just don't ever see him being thrilled about finding out that I'm pregnant. I want to be able to share in the excitement with him whenever it happens. All my friends' husbands have been over the moon excited to find out that they're going to be a dad. I don't want to tell him something like that and then hear about how he's worried about affording it, or even worse, him acting kind of apathetic about it. I hope I'm wrong. I think about it a lot, though.

    ETF word

    FWIW, it took awhile for the pregnancy to sink in for H. Several weeks. I don't think it really sunk in until we had the dating ultrasound and he actually saw the baby on the screen. When I told him, he was still half asleep (I tested early in the morning when I got up) and he didn't even remember when he really woke up later.  :|  To be honest, I don't think he really seemed "thrilled" for quite some time. He's only in the past three to four weeks or so (I'm almost 18) really started talking about it more and saying he can't wait to have the baby and touching my belly. I think it just takes awhile for some guys. I wouldn't take it as a sign he doesn't care. And worrying about finances is pretty normal. H and I are both worried about that a little bit. 

    Thank you for that @lovesclimbing! That eases my mind. By nature I'm a far more excitable and emotional person than DH anyways. I will say, though, he was SO excited to get married and I didn't expect him to be. So I guess we will see. Either way, I know he will be happy in the long run. I'll be worried about finances too, he just always goes straight to practicality before expressing any type of emotion. I appreciate you sharing! It makes me feel better!
    You're welcome. :) and I forgot to add, we always planned to have kids and decided together to stop BC, so it wasn't out of the blue. 
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