Grooms father and Brides mother

Ro041

Jaime6166 said:

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

With all due respect, if you have "barely scratched the surface" of discussing what the living situation with the dad is, then I would say you probably haven't talked enough about what married life will look like.  I certainly would have discussed, in depth, with my FI if we were planning to live with a roommate a disliked (family or not) after we got married.  And I would expect a plan in place to remove said roommate before I bound myself to him legally.  

Jaime6166

AtomicBlonde said:

Jaime6166 said:

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

My mother's issues with my FFIL stem from my own.  Which is a mess to say the least. We are getting married in October this year. Still far enough but close enough to make me nervous.  Truth be told when I met my Fiance his father and him lived together in a house. Mind you down payment paid by my fiance.(funds from malpractice suit from the death of his mother) His father and his name both on the house.  My Fi will never leave that house. So fast forward we meet fall in love move in together IN THAT HOUSE! With his father still living there. Fine. Now 5 yrs later that is still the living arrangement. FI doesnt want to move nor come out and tell his father he needs to move. But we have made it clear we are getting married things are changing. WE have discussed briefly no big details of what life will be after the wedding. 

His Father is a jerk most of the time. I stand up to him or my FI does for me. That is why my mother does not like him, because of how he treats me. (acts like he is entitled and i should clean up after him.) Trust me there are other issues with the living sitation. It makes it hard, and has almost made me reconsider getting married. But I love my FI and I do want to marry him. But I do not want to start our married lives off still living like this.  

So that is why i haven't even brought it up to my mother. She has no idea my FI wants to do this. She most likely would, because she loves my FI. But I know i dont like it, and if I feel that way I am sure her reaction will be the same.  

Truth be told if i could have this wedding without including his father i really would. (FI took after his mother obviously, and that is why i love him. FFIL and him are nothing alike complete polar opposites)

I agree with the options presented, but I am torn it is hard to have this conversation. With either my mother or my FI I will come off harsh and bitchy to the FI and i know it. UGH FML. 

To the bolded, are you trying to say that you have not discussed what your life after wedding will look like?  If that is the case, girl, you need to have that conversation now.  A bit of unsolicited advice here, but if you don't communicate with your husband, you are dooming your marriage from the beginning so you may want to make this a priority.  You should be comfortable being able to talk to him about anything - both big and little issues.  I think it's odd that you didn't tell him upfront that you didn't think that the mom/dad walking together was a good idea.  This might be a symptom of a larger communication problem you have with you fiance.  

As an aside, does your son live with you and FI and Dad?  Is that a healthy living arrangement for him if Dad is so bad?  

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

The highlighted sentences contradict each other.

You say you have discussed your life after marriage, but haven't discussed the most important issue facing you both right now:  Your living arrangements.

You say you have no communication issues, but your FH "hasn't taken the hint" or "done anything" to address your supposedly shared issues with FFIL.  "Hints" =/= communication.  "Doing nothing" also indicates a struggle with communication, especially on an issue as large as this one.  "It has come up but no in depth conversation" ALSO indicates a larger communication issue, because all that has been done on both your and FH's parts has been to acknowledge the issue, and based on your responses, I am skeptical that FH is even acknowledging how strongly you feel about FFIL/living arrangement.

If all that has been done over the course of your relationship has been to briefly touch on this issue, but not come up with a resolution, there really hasn't been a true conversation about it, because it's pretty clear FH isn't taking the necessary steps to address what your combined future will look like.

To the bold with his dad that conversation with the 3 of us hasnt been had that is what i am refereing to. NOT my communication with my FI that is fine. There is no issues there, and there is not a hint for my FI to take. It is my FFIL that needs to get the hint that is the whom that is referred to in the bolded section you chose. 

justsie

I agree 100% with @AtomicBlonde. Your own sentences contradict themselves, if he has to "get hints" you aren't communicating effectively. It's pretty clear that either A. FI doesn't know how big of a deal it really is for FFIL to be living there or B. He does know and doesn't care enough to do anything about it. 

Jaime6166

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

With all due respect, if you have "barely scratched the surface" of discussing what the living situation with the dad is, then I would say you probably haven't talked enough about what married life will look like.  I certainly would have discussed, in depth, with my FI if we were planning to live with a roommate a disliked (family or not) after we got married.  And I would expect a plan in place to remove said roommate before I bound myself to him legally.  

I guess in type it is not clear. The scratching of the surface is not a problem conversation between him and me. WE meaning fi and I have barely scratched the surface talking TO his dad about his dad moving out. My fiance and I want the same things. To start our life together on our own without the burden of his father. We have mentioned TO his dad about no longer living there, but his DAD has not taken action to leave. His DAD said he understood and would work on it. Took that as he is leaving, but do not see any action. 

That is who the bolded section is about. The problem is not my Fiance or our communication. Dang. 

Jaime6166

justsie said:

I agree 100% with @AtomicBlonde. Your own sentences contradict themselves, if he has to "get hints" you aren't communicating effectively. It's pretty clear that either A. FI doesn't know how big of a deal it really is for FFIL to be living there or B. He does know and doesn't care enough to do anything about it. 

He is doing something about it. WE have told his father about him still living there. But it was not a in depth convo meaning when are you leaving how long do you need etc.  My Fiance have discussed this over and over again in great detail and both agree his dad has to go. He is looking into legal actions to be taken to get him off the house etc. 

i will say again. The problem is not my Fiance it is his dad. His dad has not taken the hint of we don't want him there, and to get going. I am sorry i wasnt clear, and made some confusing statements.  

Ro041

@Jaime6166  that wasn't clear from your comments, so thanks for clearing that up.

Jaime6166

Ro041 said:

@Jaime6166  that wasn't clear from your comments, so thanks for clearing that up.

I could see that. It was clear in my head apparently in comments clear as mud. So sorry for the confusion. 

bleve0821

Jaime6166 said:

To the bold with his dad that conversation with the 3 of us hasnt been had that is what i am refereing to. NOT my communication with my FI that is fine. There is no issues there, and there is not a hint for my FI to take. It is my FFIL that needs to get the hint that is the whom that is referred to in the bolded section you chose. 

Jaime6166 said:

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

No FI and I have discussed what we want life to be like after marriage. Trust me we have no communication issues. The part that we have barely scratched the surface on is the living situation with his dad. It has come up but no in depth conversation about it. To where we have mentioned him not living there after we are married. But he hasnt done anything or took that hint to do anything about it. 

FI and I do not have secrets. We discuss everything. He knows how i feel about his dad and the situation. He does have issues with communication with his dad, and what he wants. But not with me. 

With all due respect, if you have "barely scratched the surface" of discussing what the living situation with the dad is, then I would say you probably haven't talked enough about what married life will look like.  I certainly would have discussed, in depth, with my FI if we were planning to live with a roommate a disliked (family or not) after we got married.  And I would expect a plan in place to remove said roommate before I bound myself to him legally.  

I guess in type it is not clear. The scratching of the surface is not a problem conversation between him and me. WE meaning fi and I have barely scratched the surface talking TO his dad about his dad moving out. My fiance and I want the same things. To start our life together on our own without the burden of his father. We have mentioned TO his dad about no longer living there, but his DAD has not taken action to leave. His DAD said he understood and would work on it. Took that as he is leaving, but do not see any action. 

That is who the bolded section is about. The problem is not my Fiance or our communication. Dang. 

I stand by what I said before.  Your communication issues aren't with FFIL.  They are with FH.  

If you and FH really don't have any communication issues, FH would already be proactively engaging in conversations with his father about everyone's living arrangements.  That's FH's issue to sort out with his father, not yours.  FFIL was there long before you were, FFIL is blood, FFIL is legally entitled to reside in the house he co-signed for.  You really don't have a leg to stand on in this dynamic, unfortunately, and if you ever did, that window closed a long time ago.

But if there were no communication issues with FH, he would have started engaging in conversations with his father absent you, started working out the legalities and/or alternate living arrangements for you both, etc.  But he hasn't even had an actual conversation with his father.

He supposedly has acknowledged your concerns.  But he hasn't done anything to address them.  Hoping FFIL moves in with a new GF and that relationship lasts is not action.

You said (can't quote, unfortunately), "He let it go this long, because there was about 6 months his dad was living with a GF. (all of his stuff still at the house though smdh) That didnt work out and he came back at thanksgiving."  That's the most passive response to a SO's major concern I have ever heard of.  Letting something that has affected your partner go on for over 5 years because FFIL moved out for six months?  That's not acknowledging the issue.  That's ignoring it.

Edited to cut down quote trees.

Jaime6166

I quit i cannot explain it obviously. I have tried multiple times. Apparently no one understands and it and only makes sense in my head. I give the f*** up. No more explanation. Because you still have it twisted so i am done. 

DrillSergeantCat

Until FI sits down with FFIL and says, "Dad, once @Jaime6166
 and I get married, we no longer want you living here. You need to find someplace else to live" you can't be upset that he lives there. He doesn't know he's not wanted. Hints don't work. Subtleties don't work. Definitive statements work. I'm really glad that FI has consulted an attorney because this sounds like a mess.

Ro041

Jaime6166 said:

I quit i cannot explain it obviously. I have tried multiple times. Apparently no one understands and it and only makes sense in my head. I give the f*** up. No more explanation. Because you still have it twisted so i am done. 

Jaime - I hope you found answers to your question.  I personally suggested that you have either son or stepdad walk you down the aisle, leaving the other free to walk mom down.  That issue is not fatal.  Sometimes when you ask for advice online, objective commenters see a lot of other things going on (there are usually way more facts that come into play in most scenarios).  Don't take it personally.  Hang out and lurk for a bit.  I give you credit for not getting defensive and trying to explain

Jaime6166

DrillSergeantCat said:

Until FI sits down with FFIL and says, "Dad, once @Jaime6166
 and I get married, we no longer want you living here. You need to find someplace else to live" you can't be upset that he lives there. He doesn't know he's not wanted. Hints don't work. Subtleties don't work. Definitive statements work. I'm really glad that FI has consulted an attorney because this sounds like a mess.

It is a mess. But it that is how much i love my FH. If i gave up and ran because shit got hard then i am not a very good person to begin with. Then only then would i agree we shouldn't be married. I may not have taken the vow but for better or worse is very serious to me because i live that every day with my FH.

Ro041

FWIW, I would probably use the advice from @CMGragain and tell my FI, "Hey so I was doing some research into who is supposed to walk who down the aisle.  Apparently, it's poor etiquette for the bride and groom to assign who is supposed to walk with who, so I am going to leave it up to Mom to decide who she walks with.  We should probably do the same for your Dad to make sure that we aren't stepping on any toes."  If he's anything like my FI, he will just say, "Oh that makes sense" and move on.

Jaime6166

Ro041 said:

Jaime6166 said:

I quit i cannot explain it obviously. I have tried multiple times. Apparently no one understands and it and only makes sense in my head. I give the f*** up. No more explanation. Because you still have it twisted so i am done. 

Jaime - I hope you found answers to your question.  I personally suggested that you have either son or stepdad walk you down the aisle, leaving the other free to walk mom down.  That issue is not fatal.  Sometimes when you ask for advice online, objective commenters see a lot of other things going on (there are usually way more facts that come into play in most scenarios).  Don't take it personally.  Hang out and lurk for a bit.  I give you credit for not getting defensive and trying to explain

I tried and tried. It is still twisted. Thanks @Ro041

Jaime6166

Ro041 said:

FWIW, I would probably use the advice from @CMGragain and tell my FI, "Hey so I was doing some research into who is supposed to walk who down the aisle.  Apparently, it's poor etiquette for the bride and groom to assign who is supposed to walk with who, so I am going to leave it up to Mom to decide who she walks with.  We should probably do the same for your Dad to make sure that we aren't stepping on any toes."  If he's anything like my FI, he will just say, "Oh that makes sense" and move on.

OMG this is a great idea!!! Thank you!

DrillSergeantCat

Jaime6166 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Until FI sits down with FFIL and says, "Dad, once @Jaime6166
 and I get married, we no longer want you living here. You need to find someplace else to live" you can't be upset that he lives there. He doesn't know he's not wanted. Hints don't work. Subtleties don't work. Definitive statements work. I'm really glad that FI has consulted an attorney because this sounds like a mess.

It is a mess. But it that is how much i love my FH. If i gave up and ran because shit got hard then i am not a very good person to begin with. Then only then would i agree we shouldn't be married. I may not have taken the vow but for better or worse is very serious to me because i live that every day with my FH.

I'm not telling you to cut and run. I'm telling you to stop beating around the bush and use your words. Well...your FI needs to use his words. "Dad, you need to find somewhere else to live. You have until X date."

holyguacamole79

Jaime6166 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

scribe95 said:

If the situation hasn't changed in five years it isn't going to just because you are married. I would not get married until your FI lives on his own frankly. I think you are setting yourself up for failure. 

Also, I would have your son walk your mom. Most aisles it's difficult to get three people down an aisle anyway.

geebee908 said:

You have work to do on your relationship and communication with your FI before you commit to him in marriage. I agree that the processional issue is small potatoes compared to the other issues you've got going on.

I'd also like to point out that your family and his family are not joining. In marrying, you and FI are joining to make a new family together. The families you each came from could well never see each other again after the wedding; there is nothing to bring them together except your new family events that might bring them into contact again. So the symbolism doesn't even work here.

I agree with the previous posters and I ESPECIALLY agree with these 2 comments.

Regarding the families not joining ... My husband & I have been married almost 4 years.  The last time my parents saw my in-laws was at the wedding.  They live in different cities and have nothing in common except for us (no grandchildren).  

I can't stand my FIL, either.  There's no way in hell I'd live with him.  Ever.  Unless you're complacent with continuing to live with his father, move out.

We leave we sell the house we end up be straddled financially with an outrageous mortgage that we cannot afford. The amount of the morgage is less than buying a base model ford focus right now. So monthy payments are really low. Prior to me living there his dad paid everything for him, because of his age etc. last 4 yrs now me and my FI pay everything his dad gives us money. So I am not sure what we do at this point about that, but FI is speaking to an attorney. 

Trust me I do not want to live this way. But when i moved in his dad was never there he worked out of town all the time. (gone for months at a time, and be home for a week gone again). It is only the last year since he changed jobs he never goes out of town any more. Not an excuse but things were different then. I stuck around because I love my FI and I understand the hell he has been through. (I am his light at the end of the tunnel, and he is mine.) The father situation will work itself out or i will speak out. When i do that it is loud and boisterous. His dad will get the point and if he doesn't i will be sure that he does. But will not abandon ship because shit is hard, and that is not me. 

Yes the situation can change because we are married. "we are married legally bound" Doesn't mean gf bf fiance whatever the title.  I will stand up for my family friends and my soon to be husband at all cost. If that means going to war with his father so be it. I was trying to let my FI do it his way and not alienate the one of the last pieces of family he has left. (there is only 5 people the rest are deceased)

I don't see how marriage will change the situation, tbh.  

My dad lived with me while we were engaged (H moved in after the wedding).  It was VERY clear that Dad moved out the day after the wedding.   No hints.   Clear communication. 

levioosa

Jaime6166 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Until FI sits down with FFIL and says, "Dad, once @Jaime6166
 and I get married, we no longer want you living here. You need to find someplace else to live" you can't be upset that he lives there. He doesn't know he's not wanted. Hints don't work. Subtleties don't work. Definitive statements work. I'm really glad that FI has consulted an attorney because this sounds like a mess.

It is a mess. But it that is how much i love my FH. If i gave up and ran because shit got hard then i am not a very good person to begin with. Then only then would i agree we shouldn't be married. I may not have taken the vow but for better or worse is very serious to me because i live that every day with my FH.

This isn't "shit getting hard."  Shit has been hard for years.  Your FI hasn't put on his big boy pants to tell his father, definitively, that he needs to find a new living arrangement.  That is a huge red flag.  I'm a huge fan of "actions speak louder than words."  Your FI has been telling you one thing, but he hasn't been acting on his words at all.  That speaks volumes.  You need to listen and protect yourself.  Because protecting yourself and your future isn't selfish--it's smart.  

short+sassy

I won't touch on the whole FI and FFIL owning the house together and living together.  Though, big yikes.

But, as far as your mother's escort goes, it's really easy.  SHE chooses who escorts her.  Period.  Your FI was way out of line to put his vision above her choice...and then speaking to his dad about it before you all even talked to your mom.  That was super bizarre.

Your FI made this mess and he needs to fix it.  He needs to go back to his dad and say something like, "Dad, I'm so sorry.  With all the wedding plans happening, I got too excited and spoke out of turn on having you escort my FMIL.  It's really her decision and she hasn't made it yet (or prefers to walk alone or will be walking with her H or whatever)."

There is absolutely no need to bring up that your mom doesn't like FFIL or any animosity whatsoever.  I could absolutely LOVE my hypothetical daughter's FFIL, but I would hugely side-eye my FSIL he if just unilaterally made a decision that affected me and would have no qualms in telling him, "Umm...no.  I'll walk with my own damn self or someone I chose." 

bleve0821

levioosa said:

Jaime6166 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Until FI sits down with FFIL and says, "Dad, once @Jaime6166
 and I get married, we no longer want you living here. You need to find someplace else to live" you can't be upset that he lives there. He doesn't know he's not wanted. Hints don't work. Subtleties don't work. Definitive statements work. I'm really glad that FI has consulted an attorney because this sounds like a mess.

It is a mess. But it that is how much i love my FH. If i gave up and ran because shit got hard then i am not a very good person to begin with. Then only then would i agree we shouldn't be married. I may not have taken the vow but for better or worse is very serious to me because i live that every day with my FH.

This isn't "shit getting hard."  Shit has been hard for years.  Your FI hasn't put on his big boy pants to tell his father, definitively, that he needs to find a new living arrangement.  That is a huge red flag.  I'm a huge fan of "actions speak louder than words."  Your FI has been telling you one thing, but he hasn't been acting on his words at all.  That speaks volumes.  You need to listen and protect yourself.  Because protecting yourself and your future isn't selfish--it's smart.  

You would do anything for FH, including living in a potentially unhealthy, definitely challenging, environment.  But it doesn't sound as though FH is will to jump through similar hoops for you.  

Marriage won't change anything, because your name still won't be legally tied to the house, so legally, you won't have any power or say in kicking FFIL out.  Legally, FH can't even sell or reno his house without FFIL's consent.  And since FFIL co-signed, if you wanted to add your name to the deed, he could have the legal wiggle room to impede or prohibit that process.

And any debt or expenses associated with attorney fees etc. will then also rest squarely on your shoulders.

IMO, FH should have been, at minimum, researching the legalities of this situation years ago, even before you got engaged.  Sooner or later it was going to become a big issue.  But the fact that he hasn't, even with pressure from you, and even with your thoughts and opinions on the matter, and even knowing how you're affected, indicates that your relationship may not be the two-way street you think it is.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like FFIL is going anywhere any time soon, and you need to decide if you're 1000% on board with living in this cluster for the duration.

This isn't about "for better or worse," now or after you take those vows.  This is about you and your health and well-being.

southernbelle0915

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

levioosa

southernbelle0915 said:

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  

southernbelle0915

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  

Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.

TheMostHappy15

OP, I can relate to your issue a little bit because one of the biggest things my H and I had to work on before getting married (we dated for six years) was his ability to communicate with his parents. You're right that it's not really a communication issue between the two of you as partners per say- but it IS an issue of a different sort in YOUR relationship if your FI/H isn't willing or able to put his foot down with his family.

My H definitely needed some work to get to that point for all the usual reasons (he hates upsetting people, he feels indebted to them for all the ways they've helped and supported him in his life, they can put on a wicked guilt trip etc.) but I made it an absolute, non-negotiable prerequisite of us getting engaged that he clearly demonstrate to me he was able effectively communicate with his family when situations arose where what we wanted as a couple differed from what they wanted us to do. I'm so glad I did that, because I would not have been able to be happy in a relationship where my partner couldn't strongly assert our wants and needs over those of his parents.

I think you need to figure out if you are okay going ahead with this marriage knowing there is a high probability that your FI will struggle just as much with putting his foot down with his dad after marriage as he has before, since he's never been forced to learn that skill up to this point. You've got a tough road ahead of you.

Jaime6166

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  

Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.

Just to clarify further not that it matters but FI put 90k down on this hous. (143k was the price of it) Paid off fathers debt to clear up the credit issues to get the house. FI didnt have any established credit. Yes lots of red flags. Like he said he didnt expect to meet the person he wants for the rest his life either. At the time of FI's mother's death his dad and her were divorced. He wasnt even in FI life at the time. So it is a mess but I have to have faith. I believe that everything will work itself out in the end. It always does. My Fi will be having more detail conversations with his dad very soon. 

But you have to understand timing is everything with the FFIL. (he drinks) So it has to be a sober conversation. Yes it is unhealthy and i am not defending it. But i am not marrying his father, but yes we deserve to start married life off with just us. I belive that we will have that. But it will be a long road to get there. 

Jaime6166

TheMostHappy15 said:

OP, I can relate to your issue a little bit because one of the biggest things my H and I had to work on before getting married (we dated for six years) was his ability to communicate with his parents. You're right that it's not really a communication issue between the two of you as partners per say- but it IS an issue of a different sort in YOUR relationship if your FI/H isn't willing or able to put his foot down with his family.

My H definitely needed some work to get to that point for all the usual reasons (he hates upsetting people, he feels indebted to them for all the ways they've helped and supported him in his life, they can put on a wicked guilt trip etc.) but I made it an absolute, non-negotiable prerequisite of us getting engaged that he clearly demonstrate to me he was able effectively communicate with his family when situations arose where what we wanted as a couple differed from what they wanted us to do. I'm so glad I did that, because I would not have been able to be happy in a relationship where my partner couldn't strongly assert our wants and needs over those of his parents.

I think you need to figure out if you are okay going ahead with this marriage knowing there is a high probability that your FI will struggle just as much with putting his foot down with his dad after marriage as he has before, since he's never been forced to learn that skill up to this point. You've got a tough road ahead of you.

I feel that he can. I understand where you are coming from. Yes he does have to put his fut down when it comes to his dad. He has come a long way I know that he can, and he will. But timing is everything with his dad. 

Viczaesar

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  

Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.

I agree with you, except for blaming the decision to co-buy a house on grief.  FI's mom and dad were divorced and FI's mom was married to someone else when she died.  Either way, though, it's going to be messy for sure.

Jaime6166

Viczaesar said:

southernbelle0915 said:

levioosa said:

southernbelle0915 said:

But y'all...they can't just kick FFIL to the curb. 1) He solely paid the mortgage for years until her FI got more established, 2) he's on the title, and 3) he's paying part of the mortgage now. He has money invested in that house too.

This was an objectively terrible idea, probably agreed to in grief.

It's not as simple as being like "hey, you have no money into this place and, we've just been letting you live here, so bye." They really are going to need attorneys to sort this out and, if I had to guess, it ain't gonna be pretty. My prediction is that they either mediate it by coming to a LEGAL agreement and (probably) selling the house and splitting the profit. OR they go to court, pay a fuck ton in court fees and, likely, ruin a relationship with a civil court battle.

I think you have a rough road ahead of you, OP. I really do commend you for being so loyal to your FI.

No, I agree that this is a really terrible situation, but it doesn't sound like at any point FI had a real conversation with his father about what their lives should look like post wedding.  That's a big red flag. I don't agree that FIL should just be kicked out without any ceremony.  He obviously has put money into the house.  Depending on the DP and mortgage, he might even have more money into it than FI.  But all of this shit should have been discussed like adults, instead of the clusterfuck that's happening now.  

Sure, I agree - and it sounds like it has been (see her posts and clarifications). She also said on page 1 that her FI is now talking with an attorney. I'm not sure what else the FI can do? I mean, the dad won't leave, FI has too much money tied up in the house to say "fuck it, have the house", and a nasty, relationship ending battle is on the horizon...all with assets that came from the death of a woman they both loved. Nothing about the situation sounds simple or easy. 

Something like this, that was likely agreed to while they were both grieving the loss of their mom/wife, seems destined for a clusterfuck. It's all just coming out of the woodwork now that FI wants to move on with his life. I think they can talk "like adults", but it doesn't mean they'll come to an agreement. It'd probably still be messy and necessitate attorneys.

I agree with you, except for blaming the decision to co-buy a house on grief.  FI's mom and dad were divorced and FI's mom was married to someone else when she died.  Either way, though, it's going to be messy for sure.

I really do appreciate everyones input here. Trust me it wasn't the ideal situation that I had hoped for. But all of the ideal relationships that i had i was miserable. Now granted I may not be completly happy with my living situation, but doesnt make me want to cancel the wedding or leave my fi or nothing. We have a time set aside to talk to his father. Explain to him how it needs to be for all of us to have a relationship with one another going forward and after the wedding. 

Ro041

@Jaime6166 I think we are all empathizing with you here.  It's just a hard place to be, considering all the circumstances.  I can understand your FI making this decision much younger (I think you said he was 19) and now figuring out that it wasn't the wisest thing to do.  Please come back and update us after the conversation with Dad. 

SP29

Your stepdad could escort your Mom down the aisle, then turn back up the aisle, or go along the outside of the aisle if there is room to then escort you down the aisle.

Nobody but your Mom gets to decide who is walking her down the aisle.

You should tell your FI, "Dear, who my Mom walks down the aisle with is her decision, so we (I say we because you didn't shut it down when he first brought it up) shouldn't have made a plan for her. You need to let your Dad know the current plan won't be happening".