BYO food and beverage?

Knottieb77e3a392f6b4655

Is it too tacky? Im a young bride with lots of friends. We aren't too formal to begin with.

I want to have a small outdoor wedding and short reception for close friends, out if town guests and family. Then a big fun party for all of our friends. I intend to have a snack bar and entree for every one and beverages but I want people to bring their own, potluck style. 

redoryx

Yes, it is tacky. Very tacky. You can't ask your guests to subsidize your wedding reception. 

OurWildKingdom

redoryx said:

Yes, it is tacky. Very tacky. You can't ask your guests to subsidize your wedding reception. 

QFT. I originally had the same idea, but fortunately the ladies here steered me away from it.

geebee908

Nope, guests don't bring their own food and drink to a party meant to thank them for coming to your wedding ceremony. Decide what your budget is, then make up your must-have guest list, then determine what kind of reception you can afford to host. There are options for types of wedding receptions that will fit within a limited budget.

You also shouldn't have anything wedding-related for people who weren't invited to the actual wedding, so if you want a big party with all of your friends then just invite them over for a party but don't bring your wedding into it.

SP29

If you invite guests to witness your ceremony, you must thank them after with a reception that includes you hosting food and drink appropriate to the time of day. THIS is your wedding.

The reception is to thank your guests for witnessing your ceremony. You are hosting your friends and family for this event- thus you are responsible for hosting it, which includes all the food and drink.

Potluck anything is a no.

Any additional parties are just that, parties. They are not part of your wedding. Which is fine- you are free to host a party for any reason. However, it sounds like you're talking about having 2 parties in your OP, in which case, if money is an issue- don't do that! Host one party you can afford (aka your wedding reception).

When planning your wedding you need to first determine your budget, then determine who you'd like to invite (who are your VIPs? Who would you *like* to invite, but would be OK if you didn't?). THEN you decide what kind of reception you can host. Receptions can range from cake and punch that lasts about 2 hours to backyard BBQ to lunch/dinner at a restaurant to brunch/lunch/full dinner at a venue with DJ and dancing.

Another option for you, is to have your smaller ceremony and reception (which it sounds like you were planning on doing- good!) and then host an open house "Meet the Newlyweds" a few weeks to a month or two after your wedding. Here is where you can invite your numerous friends. It's more casual, cheaper, requires less planning and is not traditionally a gift giving event. You would still be offering food and drink at this open house you are hosting, but the food can be simpler, like snacks/apps since you aren't formally holding an event over meal time. If you want to do a meal food, you can easily do BBQ hotdogs/hamburgers or pizza.

Jen4948

Yes. Any expectation that guests pay any of the costs of entertaining them, including BYOs, potlucks, cash bars, parking fees, etc. is rude.

kimmiinthemitten

Are your parties on the same day?

cowgirl8238

Potlucks are not acceptable for weddings (or other hosted events).  Outside of the poor hosting I would like to add that potlucks are:

- Extremely inconvenient for out of town guests that now have to travel with food.

- Difficult to coordinate with who brings what and how much.  No one wants a table full of potato salads but no protein.  Add in that 50 people want to try Grandma's Mac and Cheese but she only made enough for 15.

- Very prone to food borne illnesses, allergens, and unsanitary conditions!!!  The last thing you want to do is accidently food poison your wedding guests.  Maintaining proper food temps (hot for hot, cold for cold) for the duration of time between guest arrival to the actual reception is difficult at best.

There are many ways that you can host a larger group of people for less. You can have a dry wedding and just buy cans of soda and water at a local wholesaler (Costco, Sams Club, BJs, etc). You can have a caterer or local restaurant bring in party trays.  BBQ, Italian, and Mexican are all really affordable and filling options.  Things like flowers and favors can be skipped altogether, and your venue can be a small park, church or less traditional "wedding" venue.

I would only plan one day, one party.  Have your ceremony and then host everyone who attends in a way you can afford.  If you don't have a ton of OOT people you can even have a mid afternoon wedding with a shorter "cake and punch" reception.  Start with your budget.  Make a list of "must-invites", "really like to invite" and "would be nice to invite".  Be sure to include all SO's and leave some room for new relationships to develop.  Get some quotes for venues and catering and determine exactly which combination you can afford.

thisismynickname2

@cowgirl8238 has great advice. I suggest spending time on the budget board to learn more tips on how to host everyone you want appropriately on whatever your budget is. 

As long as a meal is appropriate for the time of day, you'll be good. One of the most fun weddings I ever attended was very low budget, with fried chicken and sandwich rolls and pasta salad from the grocery store. 

Good luck! 

southernbelle0915

Potluck style for a wedding reception is grade A, 200% tacky. Formality has nothing to do with it. There are tons of ways to save money and manage serving food without making it a potluck. 

I would do an afternoon wedding with a "cake & punch" reception for your small wedding/reception. Ceremony at 2, reception from 2:30-4:30. If you stick to those timeframes, you don't need to serve a meal. You can serve cake, light snacks and drinks (don't need to serve alcohol if you can't afford it). Depending on the number of people, you could probably get away with spending $500 on a reception like this. 

I'll also caution you against outdoor weddings if you're on an tight budget. Everything is a la carte with outdoor weddings (e.g. tables, chairs, tent, etc.) and people usually end up spending A LOT more than they envisioned. Bathrooms are often an issue for bigger groups. Weather is obviously a consideration. I would recommend looking at local parks and rec facilities. Either a covered shelter with picnic tables or an indoor, climate controlled space that comes with tables and chairs. These aren't that expensive to rent and you usually get them for the whole day - so time to decorate and clean up. 

thisismynickname2

southernbelle0915 said:

Potluck style for a wedding reception is grade A, 200% tacky. Formality has nothing to do with it. There are tons of ways to save money and manage serving food without making it a potluck. 

I would do an afternoon wedding with a "cake & punch" reception for your small wedding/reception. Ceremony at 2, reception from 2:30-4:30. If you stick to those timeframes, you don't need to serve a meal. You can serve cake, light snacks and drinks (don't need to serve alcohol if you can't afford it). Depending on the number of people, you could probably get away with spending $500 on a reception like this. 

I'll also caution you against outdoor weddings if you're on an tight budget. Everything is a la carte with outdoor weddings (e.g. tables, chairs, tent, etc.) and people usually end up spending A LOT more than they envisioned. Bathrooms are often an issue for bigger groups. Weather is obviously a consideration. I would recommend looking at local parks and rec facilities. Either a covered shelter with picnic tables or an indoor, climate controlled space that comes with tables and chairs. These aren't that expensive to rent and you usually get them for the whole day - so time to decorate and clean up. 

Important note to piggy-back on. If you have a larger wedding, you really should hire people to decorate and clean up, which is obviously more money in the budget. Don't assume family or bridal party would be "more than happy" to be volun-told to do this (but if they do volunteer that's awesome). But again, the budget board could help with this- low maintenance decorations, disposable plates and whatnot. For a smaller wedding you and your intended could likely easily decorate and clean up yourselves. 

levioosa

Knottieb77e3a392f6b4655 said:

Is it too tacky? Im a young bride with lots of friends. We aren't too formal to begin with.

I want to have a small outdoor wedding and short reception for close friends, out if town guests and family. Then a big fun party for all of our friends. I intend to have a snack bar and entree for every one and beverages but I want people to bring their own, potluck style. 

Nooooooooo. Don't do this. It is so so so tacky. You need to host everyone who attends properly. And the reception should not be tiered in any way. Everyone invited must be invited to the whole event. It doesn't matter if you are young or relatively informal--you can't ask people to
subsidize an event you decided to have. This isn't a Friday night hang out. 

ahoywedding

Nope nope nope. Potluck dinner with your friends? Sure. Potluck "come over and watch the game"? Yes. A wedding reception is a thank you to your guests for witnessing your marriage. 

Also no to the tiered feeling to your reception. Host all of your guest equally, and unless your ceremony is immediate family only, they all need to be invited to that part as well.

It would be within etiquette to have a small ceremony & fully hosted reception, and then a "hey we want to see you" party with your friends a few weeks later (with no replications of wedding things). 

jacques27

Ridiculously tacky.  Either save up for the wedding you want and get married later or have the wedding you can afford (which means only inviting the number of people you can afford to host). 


So, if you want a full wedding with dinner reception and can only afford to host 10 people to dinner, you only invite 10 people.  If you want 100 people and can only afford to buy sheet cakes, punch, and a few party trays, then you have a mid-afternoon wedding with a cake and punch reception between meal-times and let people be on their way before dinner.  The reception is a thank you to your guests for witnessing your ceremony - you don't make people pay for their own thank you and fund your wedding for you.

CMGragain

Are you serious?  Horrible idea!

Why not have a nice morning ceremony with a lunch reception?  Many brides have a mid-afternoon ceremony with cake, punch and little tea sandwiches on platters.  Go to Costco or Sam's Club and get a decorated sheet cake instead of one of those expensive layer cakes.  Your guests won't care.  Dancing is not required.  Neither is alcohol.  If you have an evening ceremony, you need to serve a full meal.  That means that YOU pay for it, not your guests.

Knottieb77e3a392f6b4655 said:

Is it too tacky? Im a young bride with lots of friends. We aren't too formal to begin with.

I want to have a small outdoor wedding and short reception for close friends, out if town guests and family. Then a big fun party for all of our friends. I intend to have a snack bar and entree for every one and beverages but I want people to bring their own, potluck style. 

You get ONE ceremony, followed by ONE reception to thank your guests for coming.  You can have a party for your friends on a different day, but it will not be a part of your wedding, you will no longer be "the bride", and they will not be wedding guests.
Thousands of brides are married private ceremony in a courthouse, a church, or a romantic location with no guests at all.  This often disappoints family members, but it is a great way to get married if you have no money for a big wedding.  My grandmother did this, and a few cousins followed her example.

AddieCake

You should not ask your guests to provide their own food and drinks at the party you're supposed to be hosting as a thank you to them for coming. Nope.

And you are planning separate parties for different guests? Also nope.

MesmrEwe

If you're mature enough to get married, you're mature enough to figure out how to pay for either meals & drinks at a full reception or an afternoon or late evening cake & punch reception for everyone invited.  Your wedding and reception are the same day.  Any form of potluck is unacceptable even if you have a PPD/Celebration of Marriage party.  You can do a simple reception with Subway, KFC, Dominos, Pizza Hut, Famous Dave's, doing the catering at the local KC, Lion's Club, or Community Hall without breaking the bank.  Sam's, Super Target, HyVee, BJ's, and many supermarkets make wedding cakes without breaking the bank or serving guests a different portion/quality of cake and still keeping to a budget as well as a deli that will have a basic sandwich lunch meal that all you need to do is pick it up.  No separate parties for separate guests.