I’ve been dating someone who lives a few hours away from me for about nine months. He’s intelligent, kind, funny, generous, and a little socially awkward (which is great because I am, too). A few months into our relationship, I began to suspect that he might fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. I have not discussed this with him because I care about him and don’t want him to feel like I think there is something “wrong” with him. He does not show attraction or love the way that I’m used to, and I’m struggling with the lack of emotional reciprocity. I don’t know if he actually enjoys my company, except he keeps coming around—he doesn’t compliment me, flirt with me, or tell me that he loves me. He doesn’t respond or even acknowledge those things when I do them. If I try to communicate my needs, he accuses me of playing games or “fishing.” I recently mentioned this dynamic was hard for me, and he said he would try to be more supportive, but nothing’s changed and he hasn’t mentioned it since.
Recently he mentioned wanting to live together, which left me feeling blindsided and guilty. If his behavior was coming from someone I didn’t think might have ASD, I would label them a jerk and move on. Do I tell him that I think he might be on the spectrum so we can work on specifically targeting those communication problems? Am I wrong for wanting a partner who occasionally tells me I look nice and says “I love you too”? Could he just be a jerk?
—Missing Emotional Reciprocation