Rules vs. reality.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 
My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year, and we’re generally communicative and well-attuned to one another. Over the last three months, after countless conversations about ground rules, we’ve opened it up. It’s been both good and bad as this is our first time in an open relationship and we’re figuring things out.

It’s been fun, but last night my boyfriend violated two of our established ground rules. In the past we’ve agreed that our hookups would be strictly physical. But my boyfriend went on a date with his hookup and also allowed him to sleep over. I gave him qualified permission to grab a drink, while simultaneously expressing my discomfort with it. He later told me his hookup fell asleep and he didn’t want to “kick him out of bed at 1 a.m. to go to home.” I feel angry and hurt that he would deliberately do something we both agreed not to do. He’s done things in the past that make me reluctant to trust him, and this feels like more of the same. I don’t want to break up with him, but I’m not sure how to move forward. He has since apologized, but this is an issue I can’t let go.

—Openly Confused

MissKittyDanger

Open relationships aren't for everyone and occasionally feelings happen.

Tbh when I first met M, my plan was to not get attached .... and look how that turned out

banana468

I don't think an open relationship of side hookups only can make sense.   It essentially says, "You can have the sexual side but don't have any of the feelings that may come up."     

I don't know that the OP really likes an open relationship.   My guess is that she wants him to feel that he gets the sexual satisfaction that he thinks he needs and then comes back to her as soon as it's over.   That rarely works as well as it sounds. 

DrillSergeantCat

You have to have major trust in your partner to have an open relationship. LW has reason not to trust the partner. This is not a relationship that will work IMO either closed or open. 

I'll admit, I don't understand the poly life, but I have a friend who has an open marriage. Both she and her husband have a girlfriend and they go on dates with their respective girlfriends together and separately. It works for them because they trust each other. 

VarunaTT

It sounds like they didn't really establish rules according to what each one wanted.  And one partner not only violated the rules, but violated the rules in favor of the hook-up. 

This just isn't going to end well.  Cut ties and go.

baconsmom

DrillSergeantCat said:

You have to have major trust in your partner to have an open relationship. LW has reason not to trust the partner. This is not a relationship that will work IMO either closed or open. 

Ding ding ding! 

The only way opening a marriage will work is if you already trust each other completely, and everyone is on board with all the rules, and when one partner has reservations, the other says, "You know what? OK, no problem, I'll see this person another time, because clearly you need me now." Or need them not to go out right then, whatever. 

This couple isn't going to work. 

short+sassy

DrillSergeantCat said:

You have to have major trust in your partner to have an open relationship. LW has reason not to trust the partner. This is not a relationship that will work IMO either closed or open. 

I'll admit, I don't understand the poly life, but I have a friend who has an open marriage. Both she and her husband have a girlfriend and they go on dates with their respective girlfriends together and separately. It works for them because they trust each other. 

I've always admired people that can make poly relationships work.  I think it shows tremendous emotional maturity.

Don't misunderstand, people in mono relationships...and even open relationships that turn out to be a bad idea...can certainly have tremendous emotional maturity also.  But it just seems like it has to be a "must" for anyone involved in a successful poly relationship.