No invite?

[Deleted User]

Hi all,

We sent STDs to guests who will need to make travel arrangements - two responded (parents' friends, and an aunt) that they unfortunately would not be able to attend. Both in writing (i.e. engagement congrats cards, "sorry we can't make it!), and in person to my parents, and FMIL. In both cases, they have booked and paid for international travel for their vacations.

So despite this being a pretty solid decline, I assumed I'd be sending them invites anyway, since everyone who gets a STD gets an invite. There are also a few other relatives who my mom and FMIL have said "oh they're probably not coming" - obviously still getting invites.

But my question is about the two who have responded in writing to myself and FI directly, that they can't come. Mom and FMIL think it's gift-grabby and odd to send invites when someone has so explicitly explained why they won't be there.

I get their logic, but also get the etiquette. 

Of course, if their travel plans changed, they're still welcome to the wedding. No b-listing happening here. And they're close enough that we would know if their plans were changing. 

Thoughts?

LondonLisa

A&B567 said:

Hi all,

We sent STDs to guests who will need to make travel arrangements - two responded (parents' friends, and an aunt) that they unfortunately would not be able to attend. Both in writing (i.e. engagement congrats cards, "sorry we can't make it!), and in person to my parents, and FMIL. In both cases, they have booked and paid for international travel for their vacations.

So despite this being a pretty solid decline, I assumed I'd be sending them invites anyway, since everyone who gets a STD gets an invite. There are also a few other relatives who my mom and FMIL have said "oh they're probably not coming" - obviously still getting invites.

But my question is about the two who have responded in writing to myself and FI directly, that they can't come. Mom and FMIL think it's gift-grabby and odd to send invites when someone has so explicitly explained why they won't be there.

I get their logic, but also get the etiquette. 

Of course, if their travel plans changed, they're still welcome to the wedding. No b-listing happening here. And they're close enough that we would know if their plans were changing. 

Thoughts?

Send the invite. I wouldn't find it gift grabby at all (unless you included a registry information, then that is a whole other kettle of fish). 

sparklepants41

A&B567 said:

Hi all,

We sent STDs to guests who will need to make travel arrangements - two responded (parents' friends, and an aunt) that they unfortunately would not be able to attend. Both in writing (i.e. engagement congrats cards, "sorry we can't make it!), and in person to my parents, and FMIL. In both cases, they have booked and paid for international travel for their vacations.

So despite this being a pretty solid decline, I assumed I'd be sending them invites anyway, since everyone who gets a STD gets an invite. There are also a few other relatives who my mom and FMIL have said "oh they're probably not coming" - obviously still getting invites.

But my question is about the two who have responded in writing to myself and FI directly, that they can't come. Mom and FMIL think it's gift-grabby and odd to send invites when someone has so explicitly explained why they won't be there.

I get their logic, but also get the etiquette. 

Of course, if their travel plans changed, they're still welcome to the wedding. No b-listing happening here. And they're close enough that we would know if their plans were changing. 

Thoughts?

Hi, OP! 

I would still send an invite. Plans change, people's minds change, and they aren't un-invited simply because they can't attend. 

My aunt was unable to attend our wedding as she had a Motley Crue concert to go to and she told H & I (then FI & I) after we sent out STDs that she wouldn't be able to attend. We still sent her an invite, and I followed it up with a call to her saying "I know you said you can't attend, and that is fine, but I wanted to send you an invite so you knew you were still invited." And she was very pleased that we did this. She came to my shower and she sent us a card for the wedding, which was very sweet of her.

After you send the invite, you could follow that up with a call to let them know they are still invited and also re-confirm that they are still unable to attend.

[Deleted User]

No registry info, no way. 

holyguacamole79

Send the invite.

I was this guest several years ago.  I was in DC for business and went to visit family friends.  The daughter (who I grew up with) just got engaged and the mom was so excited, giving me an invite saying "oh it just wouldn't be the same without the guac family!"  I said that we always have family plans on that weekend (it was 4th of July weekend).  I got home & my parents were jazzed for it and we booked travel arrangements.

Then, I didn't get an invite.  Only my parents were invited.  I had already booked the tickets, but no dice.  

Definitely send the invite since you don't know what could happen.  

mandypants90

Still send the invite! You never know if their plans will change. Once a friend got married  during my last day of college finals my freshman year. So at first I said no, but then I ended up not having to take finals that last day, so I was able to go. It was awkward and I had to ask the couple if I was still invited since I never got an invitation...
Even if they don't have a change of plans, it's still nice to know that their presence is still wanted and will be missed. 

southernbelle0915

Yep - send the invite. If I were them and I didn't get an official invite, I'd wonder if the wedding was off or something. They'll expect one, not think it's gift grabby.

ahoywedding

Send the invite! I have a couple OOT friends that are pregnant and due just before and just after our wedding. They both told me they wouldn't be able to make it once they knew the date, but I still sent them invites. Things happen, plans change.

Jen4948

A&B567 said:

Hi all,

We sent STDs to guests who will need to make travel arrangements - two responded (parents' friends, and an aunt) that they unfortunately would not be able to attend. Both in writing (i.e. engagement congrats cards, "sorry we can't make it!), and in person to my parents, and FMIL. In both cases, they have booked and paid for international travel for their vacations.

So despite this being a pretty solid decline, I assumed I'd be sending them invites anyway, since everyone who gets a STD gets an invite. There are also a few other relatives who my mom and FMIL have said "oh they're probably not coming" - obviously still getting invites.

But my question is about the two who have responded in writing to myself and FI directly, that they can't come. Mom and FMIL think it's gift-grabby and odd to send invites when someone has so explicitly explained why they won't be there.

I get their logic, but also get the etiquette. 

Of course, if their travel plans changed, they're still welcome to the wedding. No b-listing happening here. And they're close enough that we would know if their plans were changing. 

Thoughts?

I'd invite them anyway -- just in case it turns out that they can come.

flantastic

Knowing me, I'd include a Post-It size note that says "Just in case your plans change! Hope the cruise is fun!" or whatever to acknowledge their previous communication. But that's really not necessary.

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

Knowing me, I'd include a Post-It size note that says "Just in case your plans change! Hope the cruise is fun!" or whatever to acknowledge their previous communication. But that's really not necessary.

I was thinking of doing this! Because, as PPs have said, plans change and regardless I'd like them to know for sure they're still welcome. But didn't want to ignore their communication...

ahoywedding

flantastic said:

Knowing me, I'd include a Post-It size note that says "Just in case your plans change! Hope the cruise is fun!" or whatever to acknowledge their previous communication. But that's really not necessary.

That's a really sweet idea! It definitely makes the invite seem less gift-grabby, as OP's mom was worried about. It's clear to your guests you know they have other plans, but also let's them know they're still welcome. I love it.

Edit: words

InLoveInQueens

flantastic said:

Knowing me, I'd include a Post-It size note that says "Just in case your plans change! Hope the cruise is fun!" or whatever to acknowledge their previous communication. But that's really not necessary.

I would probably do this too, acknowledge that they've previously declined but confirm that if things change they're still welcome.

SP29

I would send the invite. Even if you and they know they can't come, it is still nice to be included. Lets them know you are thinking of them. And of course if their plans change, they can change their RSVP.

DH and I moved away from our hometown for some years and made a great group of friends. We are now back in our hometown. Our friends still invite us to events like bigger parties and baby showers. They know we can't come, but it's still nice to know they are thinking of us. For things like showers, we will then send a gift.