Just asking for advice/MOH related

08252017

Thank you everyone for your replies. I probably am just being overly sensitive and making a big deal out of it and making it look like I'm a queen bee. 

Its just my my first time being engaged and ever really thinking about a wedding. I'm being pulled in alll different directions of what I should and shouldn't be doing and what my wedding party should and shouldn't be doing.

And it just hurts that a friend for 20+ years is distancing herself from me. I get it, we're all growing up. I just wasn't sure what I was doing wrong.

ive never actually been to a wedding until last year. So I have no idea what I'm doing. As for my mother, she was married 26 years ago so they did things a lot differently. 

As for my shower venue, that venue was my choice. I was asked where or what I wanted as an idea for them. My choice was a jack and Jill barbecue at a park or in someone's back yard. The venue choice was another bridesmaid's idea. 

But again, thanks everyone for your replies. 

geebee908

SheFellForAHorwedel said:

Okay, so I'm here venting and asking for thoughts/opinions/advice...whatever you can give me.

I've been engaged now for about 9 months. My wedding is just a few months away. I asked my best friend for 20 years to be my maid of honor within days after my engagement, because it was something we've always talked about growing up. So at the time I knew 100% for sure that I wanted her to stand by my side. But lately I've been having issues, maybe I'm just being a little overly sensitive due to the stress of planning/other problems going on in my life. I'm not so sure.

It all started the day I asked her to be my maid of honor. She was working all day so I put together a small chest filled with a mug that I got personalized, the bridesmaid movie, tiny bottle of champagne, a little makeup kit, and wrote her a personal note about how she's my best friend and how much I love her, ect. It took me almost the entire day to make it and put it together. I then left it on her doorstep to surprise her when she got home. After hours of waiting for a phone call or text, I got nothing. Finally later that night she texts me and stated that she was arguing with her ex boyfriend, and after exchanging a few texts back and forth she finally responded with "and oh of course I'll be your maid of honor" and stated that she couldn't process it or be happy about it due to fighting with her ex. Which I understood a little bit and kind of just brushed that off even though it hurt a little because the amount of time and money I put into it.

Another time I had an issue is when we spent a few hours shopping and getting lunch together. She stated "I made you an engagement present, but it wasn't finished, I was going to finish it until my dog chewed it up...do you even want it since it's been so long since your engagement or should I just forget about it?" I was shocked that she even would ask me that. I told her it was fine and not to bother. But the fact that she seemed so lazy about it really irritated me and hurt my feelings. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.l and just left it at that. It also bothered me because after my engagement my other friend came over and gave me a personalized mug and a personalized plate to put my ring on and the best friend I've been talking about came over and put it on the top of my trash can due to jealousy and stated that I better not let my other friend try to control the maid of honor duties. It's not about the gifts or anything, I'm hurt about her attitude towards everything. I haven't confronted her about any of this, I just brush it off and laugh it off.

But then lately she she hasn't been responding to my text messages. She'll go days without responding and then come back with a text like, "lol when did you even send this?" Sometimes the texts I send her are actually really important to me too. And sometimes they are about the wedding. I want my little details of the wedding to be surprises to guests and some family members so the only person I can really go to is my mother and her. But 75% of the time I get no response back. I even found in the recent months I had a tumor in my head. She wasn't even there for me for that. Just days after my cat scans and MRIs I found out they said it was benign but if it starts to grow I will need it removed. She's so busy with her own life to worry about mine. Even though I go out of my way to ask how she's doing, congratulate her on new accomplishments, ect. 

The other day I tried on my wedding dress for the first time and she said she would try and leave work early so that I wouldn't have to go alone. She never responded back to me whether or not she was able to leave work early. Which was fine. I still had hopes that maybe she'd text or just show up and surprise me. But nothing. After my fitting appointment I sent her photos of my dress and she never responded to those either, instead she changed the subject the next day.

Another time was on on my birthday, she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I told her I would be at my mothers house for cake later on (which is right down the street from her) so she came over for cake. She was only over for about 20 minutes when her other friend kept calling her the entire time. I asked her who kept blowing up her phone and she said she was supposed to meet one of her friends out. I asked her who she was meeting out but she just told me one of her boyfriend's friends. She asked me if I wanted to go, but I politely declined because I seen who was calling her. The girl that was calling her was this girl who absolutely despises me. (We never argued or anything. She just tells her that she doesn't like me at all for no reason) Which I don't know why my maid of honor/best friend would offer to put me in a position like that. Because just days prior to my birthday we went out with her friend who despises me, and her friend ignored me the entire night after I made attempts to talk to her, and kept whispering about me to other people. That entire night was just awful and awkward. So my best friend lied and on my birthday decided to go hang out with her other friend who she sees almost everyday, and rarely sees me at all anymore. 

Since then she's invited me over to her boyfriend's house twice for dinner. Both times she texted me and canceled usuing the excuse that her boyfriend is tired and the next say that her boyfriend was going shopping. She's always ditching me. I invite her everywhere or try and make plans but she says she's always busy. 

Another issue is that my soon to be husband will be going away to Vegas to stay in a mansion with about 15 of his friends for his bachelor party. When I first got engaged my friends were so excited to throw the bachelorette party, and now nobody wants to do anything. My maid of honor says "let me know if you want to do anything" lol well of course I want to do something but how do I say that when nobody else wants to do anything? She's stating she's short on cash. Which I could understand if that were the case. She's living back home with her parents and does not pay any bills and has a full time job. Her boyfriend of 3 months recently got a new apartment and she's been buying him everything for it because all of his money is being put to the rent. She's not living with him either. But it's her life and she can do what she wants with it. But she's known about our plans for 9 months. She promised she would put away money in the beginning so that we could go and do something. Even my fiancé's friends have been putting money aside so they could afford Vegas. I don't need to go crazy with my bachelorette party but It still would be nice to have one. I even offered to pay my way. Even though the bride to be usually doesn't have to. But that's still not enough. I might be a little selfish on this one, and I realize that. But to watch my fiancé leave and have the time of his life with his friends while I sit home just saddens me. I feel like no one cares about me and since I got engaged no one wants to do anything with me. 

She even got mad mad when my other bridesmaid went out of her way to contact a venue for a bridal shower. They both went to the venue meeting and my maid of honor did not have money for the deposit so the other bridesmaid had paid for it, and that also bothered her. She told me "she better not be thinking she's the maid of honor". 

I just feel feel like I have to be involved with everything so that it gets done. I know that traditionally the bridal shower should be a surprise, but not in my case, same with the bachelorette party. 


I love my fiance and can't wait to get married to him and start our journey together. But this entire process is just awful. I feel like quitting and going to the islands to elope. I regret asking her to be my maid of honor because she's been such a crappy and distant friend lately, and these aren't even half of my issues. She disappointments me every time I go out of my way and try. She doesn't like when the other bridesmaids step up and do something that she's "supposed" to do. But then doesn't do it herself. What the hell do I do?

JIC

lovesclimbing

SheFellForAHorwedel said:

Okay, so I'm here venting and asking for thoughts/opinions/advice...whatever you can give me.

I've been engaged now for about 9 months. My wedding is just a few months away. I asked my best friend for 20 years to be my maid of honor within days after my engagement, because it was something we've always talked about growing up. So at the time I knew 100% for sure that I wanted her to stand by my side. But lately I've been having issues, maybe I'm just being a little overly sensitive due to the stress of planning/other problems going on in my life. I'm not so sure.

It all started the day I asked her to be my maid of honor. She was working all day so I put together a small chest filled with a mug that I got personalized, the bridesmaid movie, tiny bottle of champagne, a little makeup kit, and wrote her a personal note about how she's my best friend and how much I love her, ect. It took me almost the entire day to make it and put it together. I then left it on her doorstep to surprise her when she got home. After hours of waiting for a phone call or text, I got nothing. Finally later that night she texts me and stated that she was arguing with her ex boyfriend, and after exchanging a few texts back and forth she finally responded with "and oh of course I'll be your maid of honor" and stated that she couldn't process it or be happy about it due to fighting with her ex. Which I understood a little bit and kind of just brushed that off even though it hurt a little because the amount of time and money I put into it. 

Another time I had an issue is when we spent a few hours shopping and getting lunch together. She stated "I made you an engagement present, but it wasn't finished, I was going to finish it until my dog chewed it up...do you even want it since it's been so long since your engagement or should I just forget about it?" I was shocked that she even would ask me that. I told her it was fine and not to bother. But the fact that she seemed so lazy about it really irritated me and hurt my feelings. She shouldn't have said anything in the first place.l and just left it at that. It also bothered me because after my engagement my other friend came over and gave me a personalized mug and a personalized plate to put my ring on and the best friend I've been talking about came over and put it on the top of my trash can due to jealousy and stated that I better not let my other friend try to control the maid of honor duties. It's not about the gifts or anything, I'm hurt about her attitude towards everything. I haven't confronted her about any of this, I just brush it off and laugh it off.

But then lately she she hasn't been responding to my text messages. She'll go days without responding and then come back with a text like, "lol when did you even send this?" Sometimes the texts I send her are actually really important to me too. And sometimes they are about the wedding. I want my little details of the wedding to be surprises to guests and some family members so the only person I can really go to is my mother and her. But 75% of the time I get no response back. I even found in the recent months I had a tumor in my head. She wasn't even there for me for that. Just days after my cat scans and MRIs I found out they said it was benign but if it starts to grow I will need it removed. She's so busy with her own life to worry about mine. Even though I go out of my way to ask how she's doing, congratulate her on new accomplishments, ect. 

The other day I tried on my wedding dress for the first time and she said she would try and leave work early so that I wouldn't have to go alone. She never responded back to me whether or not she was able to leave work early. Which was fine. I still had hopes that maybe she'd text or just show up and surprise me. But nothing. After my fitting appointment I sent her photos of my dress and she never responded to those either, instead she changed the subject the next day.

Another time was on on my birthday, she asked me if I wanted to hang out. I told her I would be at my mothers house for cake later on (which is right down the street from her) so she came over for cake. She was only over for about 20 minutes when her other friend kept calling her the entire time. I asked her who kept blowing up her phone and she said she was supposed to meet one of her friends out. I asked her who she was meeting out but she just told me one of her boyfriend's friends. She asked me if I wanted to go, but I politely declined because I seen who was calling her. The girl that was calling her was this girl who absolutely despises me. (We never argued or anything. She just tells her that she doesn't like me at all for no reason) Which I don't know why my maid of honor/best friend would offer to put me in a position like that. Because just days prior to my birthday we went out with her friend who despises me, and her friend ignored me the entire night after I made attempts to talk to her, and kept whispering about me to other people. That entire night was just awful and awkward. So my best friend lied and on my birthday decided to go hang out with her other friend who she sees almost everyday, and rarely sees me at all anymore. 

Since then she's invited me over to her boyfriend's house twice for dinner. Both times she texted me and canceled usuing the excuse that her boyfriend is tired and the next say that her boyfriend was going shopping. She's always ditching me. I invite her everywhere or try and make plans but she says she's always busy. 

Another issue is that my soon to be husband will be going away to Vegas to stay in a mansion with about 15 of his friends for his bachelor party. When I first got engaged my friends were so excited to throw the bachelorette party, and now nobody wants to do anything. My maid of honor says "let me know if you want to do anything" lol well of course I want to do something but how do I say that when nobody else wants to do anything? She's stating she's short on cash. Which I could understand if that were the case. She's living back home with her parents and does not pay any bills and has a full time job. Her boyfriend of 3 months recently got a new apartment and she's been buying him everything for it because all of his money is being put to the rent. She's not living with him either. But it's her life and she can do what she wants with it. But she's known about our plans for 9 months. She promised she would put away money in the beginning so that we could go and do something. Even my fiancé's friends have been putting money aside so they could afford Vegas. I don't need to go crazy with my bachelorette party but It still would be nice to have one. I even offered to pay my way. Even though the bride to be usually doesn't have to. But that's still not enough. I might be a little selfish on this one, and I realize that. But to watch my fiancé leave and have the time of his life with his friends while I sit home just saddens me. I feel like no one cares about me and since I got engaged no one wants to do anything with me. 

She even got mad mad when my other bridesmaid went out of her way to contact a venue for a bridal shower. They both went to the venue meeting and my maid of honor did not have money for the deposit so the other bridesmaid had paid for it, and that also bothered her. She told me "she better not be thinking she's the maid of honor". 

I just feel feel like I have to be involved with everything so that it gets done. I know that traditionally the bridal shower should be a surprise, but not in my case, same with the bachelorette party. 


I love my fiance and can't wait to get married to him and start our journey together. But this entire process is just awful. I feel like quitting and going to the islands to elope. I regret asking her to be my maid of honor because she's been such a crappy and distant friend lately, and these aren't even half of my issues. She disappointments me every time I go out of my way and try. She doesn't like when the other bridesmaids step up and do something that she's "supposed" to do. But then doesn't do it herself. What the hell do I do?

Re: asking her to be your maid of honor. This is one of the reasons people on these forums recommend not doing a grand gesture like you did. It's setting everyone up for disappointment if the response doesn't seem proportional to the amount of work that went into it and it makes it awkward for someone to say no if they are unable to participate for some reason. 

Re: birthday incident. I think you're reading it all wrong. You asked who she was talking to, she said she was going out later, you said who with, she said a boyfriend's friend. It sounds to me like she was trying to sensitive by not telling you who exactly because she knows the two of you don't get along! And I expect she invited you because you didn't drop it but kept asking questions and some people would take that as hinting that you wanted to go along. 

Re: bachelorette party and shower. You should not be planning these, even if no one offers to throw them for you. You said she asked you to let her know if you wanted to do something. What did you say? That was your cue to say, "Thanks so much! I would love for it to involve some clubbing/a movie/a show/a night out/strippers/a destination." You shouldn't dictate exactly how it should go, but it's ok to give general guidelines of what you do or don't like. And then it's also up to the planners and the budgets of attendees what actually happens. If you didn't say anything and just demurred, she may have interpreted that as you not wanting a bachelorette. And no, there is no rule that the shower or the bachelorette should be a surprise. If anything, it shouldn't be, because everyone invited to pre-wedding parties has to be invited to the wedding as well, which means the bride typically provides the guest list.

Along those same lines: re: her money. It's not really your place to judge how she spends her money. She moved back home. Not that it matters for how much she should or shouldn't decide to spend on you, but she moved back home! You interpret that as she's rolling in it without bills. I interpret that as she is really struggling financially and can't afford to live on her own. Personally, I wouldn't plan or go to a big destination bachelorette in Las Vegas, even if I had the money. I also would never discuss or go into details my financial difficulties, even with my best friend.

Re: "jealousy" and disliking other bridesmaids' doing things for you. This is on her. There are no bridesmaid/MOH "duties" beyond walking up the aisle, holding your bouquet and smiling for photos. If she continues to say things like this, ignore it or say something like "No one in my bridal party has any duties, and I have no expectations of you or anyone else except that you show up on my wedding day. I asked you to be my MOH because you're my best friend and I wanted to honor you, not for what you can do for me."

Re: everything else - canceling plans, flakiness, responsiveness. Is this new behavior? It sounds to me like she may have been this way to some degree before, and it's only bothering you now. People don't change just because you're having a wedding. If it's new behavior, maybe sit down with her and have a talk and ask her if she's doing ok. If it's not, well, there's nothing you can do. After the wedding, maybe you'll decide you don't really care to be friends any more and you can start to distance yourself.

CMGragain

You asked your friend to be your maid of honor.  She accepted.  Done.  Why on earth did you make such a big deal about it?

You are disappointed that she doesn't spend more time with you.  Get some other friends.

Your friend has made it clear that texting her is not an efficient way to contact her.  Stop texting, and telephone her.

You wanted a bachelorette party, but no one has planned one.  Not everyone gets a bachelorette party, and many of them are casual and last minute.  My daughter just went to a bar with friends for a few hours.  Let this go.

Your bridesmaids are planning a big shower for you (with a venue).  Stay out of this.  Your only contribution should be your wedding guest list, since no one can be invited who is not also invited to your wedding.  A surprise?  Where did you get that idea?  (I HATE huge showers that require a special venue!  JMHO)

Your MOH's duties are as follows:  show up at the ceremony, on time, sober, wearing the dress.  Hold your bouquet during the ring exchange.  Smile for the pictures.  THAT IS ALL!

You have asked her to be your MOH, and she has accepted.  You may have used poor judgement in selecting her, but it is too late to change anything.  After your wedding, you can quietly drop her, if you choose.

MairePoppy

IMO, a good friend should have been there for you when you were sick and worried about a brain tumor. I hope you're feeling better now and in good health. You should discuss your hurt feelings regarding this issue with her. She may have had her own demons to battle. Give her a chance to explain.

All the other stuff is petty. Real friends don't keep score like that. Perhaps, you should ask your MOH best friend if everything is okay with her. 

Your MOH isn't obligated to help plan, plan showers, go to dress fittings etc....her duties are 1. Get her dress, 2. Show up on time to witness your ceremony, 3. Show good will toward you and your fi. Anything else that she volunteers to do is icing on the cake.

On the flip side, you aren't required to reserve those 'special moments' for your MOH. You may invite another friend who is interested in wedding stuff to help you out. Bottom line, though, the planning is on you and your fi.

OOPs, almost forgot. Please don't change your posts once you've received responses. It makes the thread difficult to follow. 

SP29

Take your wedding out of this and focus on the friendship. You can't un-ask her to be your MOH unless you are prepared to end the friendship- doesn't sound like you want to do that. And as long as she shows up the day of in the agreed upon attire, she is your MOH.

If there is something bothering you about your friendship (which I can understand)- TALK to her about it. Don't sulk and get passive aggressive. I *hate* confrontation, but at the same time, if I was doing something to piss off my best friend, I'd like to know about so it can be addressed rather than her hate me and not want me to be her MOH anymore.

"Hey friend, when we make plans for dinner/coffee/whatever and you cancel on me several times in a row, it makes me feel like you don't value my time or our friendship"

"Friend, when you told me you were going to try and take work off to come with me to an appointment and then didn't respond to me at all, it made me feel like I wasn't important and it wasted my time. I didn't know whether to wait for you or not, if you were coming on your own or not, or if you had tried to come but something happened to you. A simple "sorry, can't come" would have sufficed."

Etc, etc.... address issues directly.

Same with the B party- she asked if you wanted to do something and it sounds like you kept quiet. Use your words! No, you shouldn't be planning this event, but if someone offers to host, it is fine for you to accept and suggest what you would enjoy. I agree she might have thought you weren't interested.

I get feeling a bit upset about her not validating the time you spent on the gift you got her to ask her to be your MOH. But realize that was not required, and her only requirement was to respond "yes or no" to you. You give a gift because you enjoy giving, not because you are expecting praise in return. Likewise, she was going through some of her own drama. So instead of be sad about the gift and thinking about your wedding, you should have been consoling her as HER best friend.

As for the drama with her getting mad at your other friends- that she needs to grow up about. If she says anything I would re-iterate that there are no duties for the WP and X friend offered to host something, so you happily accepted.

missfrodo

Re: Asking her to be MOH and giving her a gift.  I believe you set your expectations too high on this.  You didn't have to spend any money on this, but you chose to, presumably because you thought she would appreciate it.  Remember that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.  

Re: Gifts and your friend ranting about MOH "duties":  She may have told you about the present because the thought was there, but the execution wasn't, and she wanted you to know she was still thinking about you and your upcoming wedding.  As for her getting territorial about what it means to her to be MOH, just tell her what lovesclimbing said above.

Re: Communication: I'm sorry to hear you have a tumor, but I'm glad it's benign.  That must have been scary for you, and I can understand wanting your friend's support for that.  Hopefully your FI was there to support you.  As for news about your wedding, remember that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are.  I would stick to sharing wedding talk with people who do respond to you, like your mom and your FI.

Re: Wedding dress fitting: She said she didn't know if she could get out of work.  It sounds like she couldn't.  She didn't respond to your pictures of the dress, which leads me again to thinking she's not really that interested in wedding talk, so I'd scrap the wedding talk with her except for need-to-know stuff, like when to show up at the ceremony.  If she asks you about something, tell her, but offering unsolicited information is just going to continue to frustrate you since she's not going to respond.

Re: Your birthday: It sounds like she was trying to be polite in inviting you out.  Yes, it's a shame you can't all get along, but I think it's great that your friend reached out to you on your birthday and took some time to see you.  

Re: Ditching: Has your friend always been flakey?  I know you say you ask her about everything going on in her life, but maybe there's something she's not comfortable telling you (if this is new behavior).  If she's always been flakey...Well, the wedding won't change that.

Re: Bachelorette party: I agree with climbingwife.  If you're feeling lonely with your FI gone, you can certainly invite your friends out for drinks, over for game/movie night, etc, so you aren't all by yourself.
Re: The statement: I feel like no one cares about me and since I got engaged no one wants to do anything with me. --Can you go into this feeling more?  Because from your post, your other BM has been working on your shower, stopping by to give you presents, etc.  Are there other people in your life that have distanced themselves from you?  

levioosa

SheFellForAHorwedel said:

Thank you everyone for your replies. I probably am just being overly sensitive and making a big deal out of it and making it look like I'm a queen bee. 

Its just my my first time being engaged and ever really thinking about a wedding. I'm being pulled in alll different directions of what I should and shouldn't be doing and what my wedding party should and shouldn't be doing.

And it just hurts that a friend for 20+ years is distancing herself from me. I get it, we're all growing up. I just wasn't sure what I was doing wrong.

ive never actually been to a wedding until last year. So I have no idea what I'm doing. As for my mother, she was married 26 years ago so they did things a lot differently. 

As for my shower venue, that venue was my choice. I was asked where or what I wanted as an idea for them. My choice was a jack and Jill barbecue at a park or in someone's back yard. The venue choice was another bridesmaid's idea. 

But again, thanks everyone for your replies. 

JIC

ei34

SITrandomB 

You gave your friend Bridesmaids?  The movie where the bride's long-time friend is going through a bunch of personal stuff and is still made to feel incompetent and like a crappy friend because she's not as "good" a BM as the friend who's really into planning things?  The movie where trying to make a big deal of a group dress shopping experience backfired?  And where a splashy Vegas Bach party backfired even more?

This is real life, not a whimsical Pinterest board.  All you had to do was call or text your friend "will you be my MOH?".  And all she has to do is buy the mutually agreed upon dress, stand next to you during the ceremony and smile for photos.  Although you're engaged, she's not your MOH first and friend second.

That said, she does sound flaky at times.  I don't think you've been a great friend to her but she hasn't been one to you either.  A talk (unrelated to the wedding) may help you both.  And I'm glad your tumor was benign- hope you're feeling well. 

short+sassy

While it's true, no one has to throw you a "bachelorette" party and it is inappropriate to throw one for yourself, there is nothing wrong with suggesting a "girl's night out"...or a "girl's night in (drink wine, watch movies)"...when your FI goes to Vegas.

Reading your original post, it sounds like there is a "friend" problem.  Not so much a "MOH" problem.  As in, I'm sure you'd be just as hurt by some of her actions, even if you take the wedding part totally out of it.  Like cancelling multiple plans and not be more supportive when you had a medical scare.  And what's with putting your other friend's present on the trash can?  That's something a petulant 5-year-old would do.

Glad to hear your tumor was benign and I hope it stays that way!  PPs gave good examples of talking to her about the friendship and leaving the wedding out of it.  I'm not saying it excuses bad behavior (and not everything you mentioned falls in that category), but it does sound like she has a lot of bad things going on in her life, ie moving back in with parents, fighting with ex.  I didn't get the impression at all that you've been "me, me, me...my wedding, my wedding", so definitely don't misunderstand me.  But no one is going to be nearly as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  Especially a friend who sounds like she has a lot on her plate.