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Wedding Party

Just asking for advice/MOH related

0825201708252017 member
edited January 2017 in Wedding Party
Thank you everyone for your replies. I probably am just being overly sensitive and making a big deal out of it and making it look like I'm a queen bee. 

Its just my my first time being engaged and ever really thinking about a wedding. I'm being pulled in alll different directions of what I should and shouldn't be doing and what my wedding party should and shouldn't be doing.

And it just hurts that a friend for 20+ years is distancing herself from me. I get it, we're all growing up. I just wasn't sure what I was doing wrong.

ive never actually been to a wedding until last year. So I have no idea what I'm doing. As for my mother, she was married 26 years ago so they did things a lot differently. 

As for my shower venue, that venue was my choice. I was asked where or what I wanted as an idea for them. My choice was a jack and Jill barbecue at a park or in someone's back yard. The venue choice was another bridesmaid's idea. 

But again, thanks everyone for your replies. 

Re: Just asking for advice/MOH related

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2017
    You asked your friend to be your maid of honor.  She accepted.  Done.  Why on earth did you make such a big deal about it?

    You are disappointed that she doesn't spend more time with you.  Get some other friends.

    Your friend has made it clear that texting her is not an efficient way to contact her.  Stop texting, and telephone her.

    You wanted a bachelorette party, but no one has planned one.  Not everyone gets a bachelorette party, and many of them are casual and last minute.  My daughter just went to a bar with friends for a few hours.  Let this go.

    Your bridesmaids are planning a big shower for you (with a venue).  Stay out of this.  Your only contribution should be your wedding guest list, since no one can be invited who is not also invited to your wedding.  A surprise?  Where did you get that idea?  (I HATE huge showers that require a special venue!  JMHO)

    Your MOH's duties are as follows:  show up at the ceremony, on time, sober, wearing the dress.  Hold your bouquet during the ring exchange.  Smile for the pictures.  THAT IS ALL!

    You have asked her to be your MOH, and she has accepted.  You may have used poor judgement in selecting her, but it is too late to change anything.  After your wedding, you can quietly drop her, if you choose.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassycowgirl8238
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2017
    IMO, a good friend should have been there for you when you were sick and worried about a brain tumor. I hope you're feeling better now and in good health. You should discuss your hurt feelings regarding this issue with her. She may have had her own demons to battle. Give her a chance to explain.

    All the other stuff is petty. Real friends don't keep score like that. Perhaps, you should ask your MOH best friend if everything is okay with her. 

    Your MOH isn't obligated to help plan, plan showers, go to dress fittings etc....her duties are 1. Get her dress, 2. Show up on time to witness your ceremony, 3. Show good will toward you and your fi. Anything else that she volunteers to do is icing on the cake.

    On the flip side, you aren't required to reserve those 'special moments' for your MOH. You may invite another friend who is interested in wedding stuff to help you out. Bottom line, though, the planning is on you and your fi.

    OOPs, almost forgot. Please don't change your posts once you've received responses. It makes the thread difficult to follow. 
                       
    ei34short+sassycowgirl8238
  • Take your wedding out of this and focus on the friendship. You can't un-ask her to be your MOH unless you are prepared to end the friendship- doesn't sound like you want to do that. And as long as she shows up the day of in the agreed upon attire, she is your MOH.

    If there is something bothering you about your friendship (which I can understand)- TALK to her about it. Don't sulk and get passive aggressive. I *hate* confrontation, but at the same time, if I was doing something to piss off my best friend, I'd like to know about so it can be addressed rather than her hate me and not want me to be her MOH anymore.

    "Hey friend, when we make plans for dinner/coffee/whatever and you cancel on me several times in a row, it makes me feel like you don't value my time or our friendship"

    "Friend, when you told me you were going to try and take work off to come with me to an appointment and then didn't respond to me at all, it made me feel like I wasn't important and it wasted my time. I didn't know whether to wait for you or not, if you were coming on your own or not, or if you had tried to come but something happened to you. A simple "sorry, can't come" would have sufficed."

    Etc, etc.... address issues directly.

    Same with the B party- she asked if you wanted to do something and it sounds like you kept quiet. Use your words! No, you shouldn't be planning this event, but if someone offers to host, it is fine for you to accept and suggest what you would enjoy. I agree she might have thought you weren't interested.

    I get feeling a bit upset about her not validating the time you spent on the gift you got her to ask her to be your MOH. But realize that was not required, and her only requirement was to respond "yes or no" to you. You give a gift because you enjoy giving, not because you are expecting praise in return. Likewise, she was going through some of her own drama. So instead of be sad about the gift and thinking about your wedding, you should have been consoling her as HER best friend.

    As for the drama with her getting mad at your other friends- that she needs to grow up about. If she says anything I would re-iterate that there are no duties for the WP and X friend offered to host something, so you happily accepted.
    MairePoppysparklepants41short+sassycowgirl8238
  • Re: Asking her to be MOH and giving her a gift.  I believe you set your expectations too high on this.  You didn't have to spend any money on this, but you chose to, presumably because you thought she would appreciate it.  Remember that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.  

    Re: Gifts and your friend ranting about MOH "duties":  She may have told you about the present because the thought was there, but the execution wasn't, and she wanted you to know she was still thinking about you and your upcoming wedding.  As for her getting territorial about what it means to her to be MOH, just tell her what lovesclimbing said above.

    Re: Communication: I'm sorry to hear you have a tumor, but I'm glad it's benign.  That must have been scary for you, and I can understand wanting your friend's support for that.  Hopefully your FI was there to support you.  As for news about your wedding, remember that no one will be as excited for your wedding as you are.  I would stick to sharing wedding talk with people who do respond to you, like your mom and your FI.

    Re: Wedding dress fitting: She said she didn't know if she could get out of work.  It sounds like she couldn't.  She didn't respond to your pictures of the dress, which leads me again to thinking she's not really that interested in wedding talk, so I'd scrap the wedding talk with her except for need-to-know stuff, like when to show up at the ceremony.  If she asks you about something, tell her, but offering unsolicited information is just going to continue to frustrate you since she's not going to respond.

    Re: Your birthday: It sounds like she was trying to be polite in inviting you out.  Yes, it's a shame you can't all get along, but I think it's great that your friend reached out to you on your birthday and took some time to see you.  

    Re: Ditching: Has your friend always been flakey?  I know you say you ask her about everything going on in her life, but maybe there's something she's not comfortable telling you (if this is new behavior).  If she's always been flakey...Well, the wedding won't change that.

    Re: Bachelorette party: I agree with climbingwife.  If you're feeling lonely with your FI gone, you can certainly invite your friends out for drinks, over for game/movie night, etc, so you aren't all by yourself.
    Re: The statement: I feel like no one cares about me and since I got engaged no one wants to do anything with me. --Can you go into this feeling more?  Because from your post, your other BM has been working on your shower, stopping by to give you presents, etc.  Are there other people in your life that have distanced themselves from you?  

    SP29ei34short+sassy
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you everyone for your replies. I probably am just being overly sensitive and making a big deal out of it and making it look like I'm a queen bee. 

    Its just my my first time being engaged and ever really thinking about a wedding. I'm being pulled in alll different directions of what I should and shouldn't be doing and what my wedding party should and shouldn't be doing.

    And it just hurts that a friend for 20+ years is distancing herself from me. I get it, we're all growing up. I just wasn't sure what I was doing wrong.

    ive never actually been to a wedding until last year. So I have no idea what I'm doing. As for my mother, she was married 26 years ago so they did things a lot differently. 

    As for my shower venue, that venue was my choice. I was asked where or what I wanted as an idea for them. My choice was a jack and Jill barbecue at a park or in someone's back yard. The venue choice was another bridesmaid's idea. 

    But again, thanks everyone for your replies. 
    JIC




    image
    ei34Heffalumpcowgirl8238
  • While it's true, no one has to throw you a "bachelorette" party and it is inappropriate to throw one for yourself, there is nothing wrong with suggesting a "girl's night out"...or a "girl's night in (drink wine, watch movies)"...when your FI goes to Vegas.

    Reading your original post, it sounds like there is a "friend" problem.  Not so much a "MOH" problem.  As in, I'm sure you'd be just as hurt by some of her actions, even if you take the wedding part totally out of it.  Like cancelling multiple plans and not be more supportive when you had a medical scare.  And what's with putting your other friend's present on the trash can?  That's something a petulant 5-year-old would do.

    Glad to hear your tumor was benign and I hope it stays that way!  PPs gave good examples of talking to her about the friendship and leaving the wedding out of it.  I'm not saying it excuses bad behavior (and not everything you mentioned falls in that category), but it does sound like she has a lot of bad things going on in her life, ie moving back in with parents, fighting with ex.  I didn't get the impression at all that you've been "me, me, me...my wedding, my wedding", so definitely don't misunderstand me.  But no one is going to be nearly as excited for your wedding as you and your FI.  Especially a friend who sounds like she has a lot on her plate.

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