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Invite List - Help :)

Knottie935c88d6a00cf00dKnottie935c88d6a00cf00d member
10 Comments 5 Love Its
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi all,

My fiancé and I are creating our guest list and man, 100 people adds up quick! I'm just wondering general opinions on where to draw the lines. Family we are not concerned about but I suppose it's friends, co-workers and family friends.

Friends- I have some girlfriends I would like to invite who I used to work with or attend church with. I don't regularly keep in touch with them as I used to when we working together or i see them either at church, our common ground.! I'm not sure where to draw the line, they are friends I want to invite but not particularly as close with. 

Church pals- I'm actively involved with my church but I'm feeling terrible about having to make cut offs with people. It's more so because we have reached our headcount and I'm just wondering how to address this when people express their excitement and yet they aren't invited.

Coworkers- my fiancé wants to invite some of his who I have never met. im not too comfy with it especially because they are in a relationship and so bam that's more people I don't know.

thoughts?? I guess at the end of the day it's about budget I wish that wasn't the case but it is

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Re: Invite List - Help :)

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:
    Hi all,

    My fiancé and I are creating our guest list and man, 100 people adds up quick! I'm just wondering general opinions on where to draw the lines. Family we are not concerned about but I suppose it's friends, co-workers and family friends.

    Friends- I have some girlfriends I would like to invite who I used to work with or attend church with. I don't regularly keep in touch with them as I used to when we working together or i see them either at church, our common ground.! I'm not sure where to draw the line, they are friends I want to invite but not particularly as close with. 

    Church pals- I'm actively involved with my church but I'm feeling terrible about having to make cut offs with people. It's more so because we have reached our headcount and I'm just wondering how to address this when people express their excitement and yet they aren't invited.

    Coworkers- my fiancé wants to invite some of his who I have never met. im not too comfy with it especially because they are in a relationship and so bam that's more people I don't know.

    thoughts?? I guess at the end of the day it's about budget I wish that wasn't the case but it is

    A good rule is: would I normally take this person out for a £150 meal? Would I have them over for a one on one meal? 

    As for coworkers, just because you haven't met them doesn't mean they shouldn't come. I'm sure you have friends your fi hasn't met that that you want there. 

    Also, how have you reached your headcount? You first come up with your guest list, then figure out your budget, and then that dictates your event. Then you start to look at venues to hold your numbers etc.  If it's cake and punch for 200 or a gourmet meal for 50, you should always have the guest list first. 
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    It's much harder to fit your guest list to an arbitrary number (or max venue limit) than it is to make the guest list and fit the type of venue and reception to something that will accommodate your guest list size and budget. Are you locked in to a 100-person limit? If you're not, then change the way you're coming at making up your guest list.

    I'll echo inviting in circles as the easiest way to cut numbers. Your innermost circles are your VIPs, then put in the circles of people you next most want there and so on. How far out do circles like co-workers and church friends fall? Nice to invite, but we can't really afford to? They get cut.
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Standard response to inquiries about wedding invites is to say you couldn't invite everyone you would have liked and then change the subject (or bean dip as we say around here.)
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  • mandypants90mandypants90 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Where are you in your planning? Do you already have your venue, and that's what you're basing 100 people off of? As @geebee908
    said make your list, and then go from there. It's much harder to stick with a random number you pick because it feels right.
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  • mandypants90mandypants90 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    scribe95 said:
    A few good suggestions - 

    If you aren't hanging out with these people outside of work/church/etc then they probably shouldn't be invited. 

    Also, I would get over whether you know your FI's guests. You are joining friends and families. There are bound to be people you don't know but they are important to him and you should be welcoming.

    Yes. This! ^

    There are going to be quite a handful that FI and I don't know. Some, both of us do not know! If it means something to him, then you need to include them.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:
    Hi all,

    My fiancé and I are creating our guest list and man, 100 people adds up quick! I'm just wondering general opinions on where to draw the lines. Family we are not concerned about but I suppose it's friends, co-workers and family friends.

    Friends- I have some girlfriends I would like to invite who I used to work with or attend church with. I don't regularly keep in touch with them as I used to when we working together or i see them either at church, our common ground.! I'm not sure where to draw the line, they are friends I want to invite but not particularly as close with. 

    Church pals- I'm actively involved with my church but I'm feeling terrible about having to make cut offs with people. It's more so because we have reached our headcount and I'm just wondering how to address this when people express their excitement and yet they aren't invited.

    Coworkers- my fiancé wants to invite some of his who I have never met. im not too comfy with it especially because they are in a relationship and so bam that's more people I don't know.

    thoughts?? I guess at the end of the day it's about budget I wish that wasn't the case but it is

    What's the reason behind the 100 people? 

    It's going to be hard for us to tell you who you should invite or who you should cut, because we don't know your relationships and dynamics, but I will tell you what helped me decide. 

    I first made a list of the VIPs; the people we absolutely wouldn't want to get married without them being there. We ran our plans by them to make sure things work for them. Then we made a list of everyone we really couldn't imagine not having there, a list of everyone we would like to invite if we had the room/budget/ability. We also asked our parents for similar lists. Then we compared our lists to our budget to see what we could afford depending on how many people we invited. 

    For example if we just invited our VIPs we could afford $XX per person, if we invited every person we wrote down we could afford $YY per person. Come up with your budget first, then the lists of people. 
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  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    We did a similar process to @charlotte989875. First we wrote down family (we're both close to all of our aunts, uncles & cousins), then we listed out very best friends who there was no question we wanted to be there, and then people we'd realllly want to be there but who would understand if they couldn't be invited for space or budget reasons. This was the number of people we planned for when we looked for venues, vendors, etc.

    Once we found our venue & most vendors, we realized we had a little wiggle room, so we expanded our circle for local friends and added a handful more to our guest list. (NOT a b-list, that is rude! All of our invites went out at the same time)

    We ended up inviting more than the imaginary number I had in my head when we started, mostly because our families alone almost exceeded my initial guess of how many guests we'd have! If your limit of 100 guests isn't set by your venue's codes and you want to invite more people, take a look at your budget and see where you can be flexible. If you haven't signed a contract yet, great! Make a list of your guests, then review it over a couple weeks. Share it with FI and your families to make sure no one is missing. THEN start looking at venues, etc.
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with the above- where did this guest list of 100 come from? The way to plan a party is set your budget, create your guest list, THEN find a venue that can accommodate those two things.

    My stance on co-workers, is that I would not invite them unless I am also friends with them. Even if you don't know them, if your FI hangs out with these people outside of work, I would try to include them (and their SOs) if it is important to him. If not, that can be a "rule" you use. Same goes with your church friends. Sounds like you haven't seen some of them for sometime.

    We had a "rule" that if we had seen or talked to a person in a year, we would not invite them (there were some exceptions). It helped focus on "what is my relationship with this person NOW?".
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited January 2017
    You seem to be planning your wedding backwards.  The first thing you do is to make the budget.  The second thing you do is the guest list.

    Have you chosen a venue?  What time of day is your wedding?  Unless you are Catholic, you have a lot of choices.

    Wedding = bridal couple, officiant, license, witnesses.  That is all.  You send printed wedding announcements to friends and family afterward the ceremony is over.  No reception.

    If you want guests, you will need paper invitations, a chair for every behind, a comfortable place for the ceremony and reception, and food and drink of some kind.  (Maybe a garden wedding, with tea sandwiches on trays, cake and punch?)  If you are religious, churches can be lovely, and they have fellowship rooms for simple receptions.

    You want more?  Add a wedding dress and veil, bridesmaids and groomsmen (the fewer, the more budget friendly), music, photography and maybe, flowers.  Serving lunch would be nice.

    If you want the ultimate, expensive $$$$ wedding, then you need a full dinner for all of your guests, alcohol, dancing, DJ, tuxedos for the men if it is to a formal evening wedding.

    Any of the above plans make for a lovely wedding day.  What is most important to you?  Your guest list, or having a fancy dinner?  You are the only ones who can plan your wedding.  You decide where to make the cuts.  My daughter decided that having more guests was most important to her, so she had a morning church wedding with an afternoon brunch reception.  It was about half the cost of a dinner reception.  She used Vistaprint invitations instead of the fancier ones that she liked.  No DJ.  No limo.  No tuxedos.  Mimosas and bloody marys instead of an open bar.  (More people drank sodas because it was early afternoon.)  She had 135 guests in a venue that could hold 250.

    We will be happy to help you plan a lovely, appropriate wedding and reception.  You need to be realistic about your plans, though, and decide what is most important to you.  You cannot be rude to your guests by not inviting their wives, fiances, and significant others.  Don't forget to figure that into your plans.
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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I am going to echo PPs. Inviting in circles is really the easiest way to do it. It is not always easy but it will help cut down on hurt feelings compared to just picking your favorites. Include all SOs and give all single guest a plus one in the beginning so you aren't caught unprepared by a new relationship before invites go out. 
    Do Not send a Save the Date to everyone! Just send them to your Must Have invites. If you send someone a STD, you must send them an invitation and things can change. People move, relationships change, new relationships are formed; do yourself a favor and don't lock yourself into inviting anyone. I was certainly glad that we only sent them to immediate family and VIP out of town guests because I wanted to send them to everyone I knew (before I found TK). 

    is 100 people the amount you can afford to host or the venue limit?

     I didnt really plan my guest list the smart way but I did what worked for us. We had about 60 family members and VIP friends we must invite, those were the only ones that got StDs. Our 'includes everyone we know' guest list was over 250 people but we quickly trimmed that down to about 120. We chose a venue that could hold 180 with a wide range of catering options, the cheapest being BBQ at 15$/ person. So we started saving, hiring the vendors in order of priority, and cutting things we didn't think we needed. I ended up losing my job 2 months before the wedding but because we didn't lock our selves into inviting everyone we had ever met (and had been frugal with expenses along the way) we were fine, actually we were able to add salmon to the menu. There were definitely people that I thought I would be inviting when we first got engaged but when it was time to send invites the relationship had changed and there were other people I wanted to invite instead. 
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Subwayloves said:
    LondonLisa said:
    Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:
    Hi all,

    My fiancé and I are creating our guest list and man, 100 people adds up quick! I'm just wondering general opinions on where to draw the lines. Family we are not concerned about but I suppose it's friends, co-workers and family friends.

    Friends- I have some girlfriends I would like to invite who I used to work with or attend church with. I don't regularly keep in touch with them as I used to when we working together or i see them either at church, our common ground.! I'm not sure where to draw the line, they are friends I want to invite but not particularly as close with. 

    Church pals- I'm actively involved with my church but I'm feeling terrible about having to make cut offs with people. It's more so because we have reached our headcount and I'm just wondering how to address this when people express their excitement and yet they aren't invited.

    Coworkers- my fiancé wants to invite some of his who I have never met. im not too comfy with it especially because they are in a relationship and so bam that's more people I don't know.

    thoughts?? I guess at the end of the day it's about budget I wish that wasn't the case but it is

    A good rule is: would I normally take this person out for a £150 meal? Would I have them over for a one on one meal? 

    As for coworkers, just because you haven't met them doesn't mean they shouldn't come. I'm sure you have friends your fi hasn't met that that you want there. 

    Also, how have you reached your headcount? You first come up with your guest list, then figure out your budget, and then that dictates your event. Then you start to look at venues to hold your numbers etc.  If it's cake and punch for 200 or a gourmet meal for 50, you should always have the guest list first. 
    Side track: I really hate the bolded. Based on this "rule", no one would have been invited to my wedding except for my husband haha. We don't have a lot of money, and taking people out to eat and paying for their meals is just not something that we do. Our rule was more like "Would I invite this person over to our house for dinner or a get together?", and this made a lot more sense for us to help with figuring out level of closeness and who we wanted on our guest list. 
    Absolutely- I think  the general sentiment is the same. This is reading a bit much into a simple thought exercise (it's certainly not a luvvie-type admission: I'm not exactly saying 'Oh dahhhling, just host who you usually luncheon with at the Ritz!'). There is a difference between a person that you would split the bill with for a meal out, and someone who is close enough to pay for their meal without thinking it strange. It is asking oneself a hypothetical, rather than a declaration of one's regular actions.

    I don't think anyone regularly buys luxury meals for others, but rather a thought exercise that is essentially asking:  'Do I feel close enough to this person that I want to show my gratitude for this relationship by treating them vs are they nice enough and we get together because of circumstance  (ie: we chat at work, we are friendly at church) but it would be strange if we did anything but split the bill. ' 

    But, that being said, at a (meal time) wedding, one is essentially taking people out for meal.  It is asking 'am I close enough that I would spend this level of hosting for these people one on one, taking the wedding out of it'.
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  • mrose88mrose88 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments
    Agree with others re: inviting in circles. We have a large guest list by default, because we both come from large families. When it came to inviting my college friends, whom I adore but only keep in semi-regular touch with, I knew I just couldn't afford to invite everyone. So, I kept my four former roommates and my best friend from school (and their respective partners), and left everyone else off.

    If I had it my way I would be a millionaire and would invite everyone I ever loved to come celebrate with me! But, c'est la vie. 

    If you haven't already, you should figure out what the absolute max is you can afford to spend on your wedding, do some pricing of caterers (or talk with your venue's in-house caterer) and then make a decision on what the absolute ceiling is for your guest list based on what it would cost to have them there. 


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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto others.  The only thing I want to add is this ... when is your wedding?  If you're set on a budget of 100 people, then you can plan based on that (but stick to it!).  There are often stories of people who come on here saying they sent their (now former) coworker a save-the-date and now doesn't feel like inviting him/her.  You definitely don't want to do that.

    If you have time to spare (so to speak), consider setting your "must have" guest list of family and "can't get married without them" friends.  See if relationships change between now & when you send out save-the-dates/invitations.  Just don't promise anyone an invitation if you're not 100% sure you're inviting them.




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  • SubwaylovesSubwayloves member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    LondonLisa said:
    Subwayloves said:
    LondonLisa said:
    Knottie935c88d6a00cf00d said:
    Hi all,

    My fiancé and I are creating our guest list and man, 100 people adds up quick! I'm just wondering general opinions on where to draw the lines. Family we are not concerned about but I suppose it's friends, co-workers and family friends.

    Friends- I have some girlfriends I would like to invite who I used to work with or attend church with. I don't regularly keep in touch with them as I used to when we working together or i see them either at church, our common ground.! I'm not sure where to draw the line, they are friends I want to invite but not particularly as close with. 

    Church pals- I'm actively involved with my church but I'm feeling terrible about having to make cut offs with people. It's more so because we have reached our headcount and I'm just wondering how to address this when people express their excitement and yet they aren't invited.

    Coworkers- my fiancé wants to invite some of his who I have never met. im not too comfy with it especially because they are in a relationship and so bam that's more people I don't know.

    thoughts?? I guess at the end of the day it's about budget I wish that wasn't the case but it is

    A good rule is: would I normally take this person out for a £150 meal? Would I have them over for a one on one meal? 

    As for coworkers, just because you haven't met them doesn't mean they shouldn't come. I'm sure you have friends your fi hasn't met that that you want there. 

    Also, how have you reached your headcount? You first come up with your guest list, then figure out your budget, and then that dictates your event. Then you start to look at venues to hold your numbers etc.  If it's cake and punch for 200 or a gourmet meal for 50, you should always have the guest list first. 
    Side track: I really hate the bolded. Based on this "rule", no one would have been invited to my wedding except for my husband haha. We don't have a lot of money, and taking people out to eat and paying for their meals is just not something that we do. Our rule was more like "Would I invite this person over to our house for dinner or a get together?", and this made a lot more sense for us to help with figuring out level of closeness and who we wanted on our guest list. 
    Absolutely- I think  the general sentiment is the same. This is reading a bit much into a simple thought exercise (it's certainly not a luvvie-type admission: I'm not exactly saying 'Oh dahhhling, just host who you usually luncheon with at the Ritz!'). There is a difference between a person that you would split the bill with for a meal out, and someone who is close enough to pay for their meal without thinking it strange. It is asking oneself a hypothetical, rather than a declaration of one's regular actions.

    I don't think anyone regularly buys luxury meals for others, but rather a thought exercise that is essentially asking:  'Do I feel close enough to this person that I want to show my gratitude for this relationship by treating them vs are they nice enough and we get together because of circumstance  (ie: we chat at work, we are friendly at church) but it would be strange if we did anything but split the bill. ' 

    But, that being said, at a (meal time) wedding, one is essentially taking people out for meal.  It is asking 'am I close enough that I would spend this level of hosting for these people one on one, taking the wedding out of it'.
    Definitely get where you're coming from, but still don't necessarily agree with this. Literally the only people I have ever paid for their meal are my husband, my parents, grandparents, mother and father in law, grandparents in law, and I think 2 close friends for their birthdays. I would not normally go out to eat with anyone and not split the bill other than my husband, and I would actually think it was strange to pay for any else's meal (or have them pay for mine) unless it was some kind of special occasion like a wedding. 

    Most of the people at my wedding, I would have never taken out to a nice dinner and paid for their drinks one on one. Again, it's just not something I do, even if I'm close to a person. I think a wedding is a completely different situation out of the norm, and I am going to be willing to host people differently than I would for any other occasion. 
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  • ernursejernursej member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Inviting in circles is usually the best.

    Remember, no one should be expecting an invite. Even family. For the most part, people are very understanding about budgets and limiting guests.


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  • Knottie935c88d6a00cf00dKnottie935c88d6a00cf00d member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    We have our venue already and are basing it off of 100 people :)
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  • Knottie935c88d6a00cf00dKnottie935c88d6a00cf00d member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Thanks for the tips all. I guess I have been planning it backwards ha! We knew where we wanted to have it and so based on budget at this venue we planned for approx 100 people. The venue is flexible if we go over 100 or below. Ceremony and reception will be at the same venue. Xo
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