Honeyfund Question

jessica490

Hi all- I haven't posted on here for ages but I was able to sign in to ask a question. So H's brother is getting married in June (H is in the wedding party and I'm not). The couple isn't doing a bridal shower, just a separate bachelor/bachelorette AND jack and Jill. I don't think I'm invited to the bachelorette, but H is invited to the bachelor party (if it's still happening). We received the Jack and Jill invite a few weeks ago and they have noted that a honeyfund has been set up so I went to check the site out. It states they don't need gifts as they already have a home, but that they want $ towards their h.moon. On the site it lists a bunch of things to donate to- Their trip, their flight, and other activities that they can do on that H.moon. You can pick the thing you want to donate to and add how much you want to give...I was a little blown away as I've never seen/done anything like this before. So anyway, we planned on giving them $200-$250 for their wedding gift....so I said if they want honeymoom money for this event, we are deducting from their wedding gift amount...Is $50 enough for the h.fund and do $200 for the wedding? I'm not sure what the right answer is here as I'm a little appalled...maybe this is normal, but it just feels greedy to me, but I could be wrong. Thanks for your help!

mandypants90

Beware honeyfund sites. You're not giving them as much money as you think you are (sites take a cut). I think that money gift is more than enough.

And it is greedy, and rude. One should never tell you what to do with your money, and they shouldn't "expect" gifts.

I'm a little passive aggressive, and if they said this I'd consider buying something physical, just because. lol.

But for real, if you want to give them a monetary gift, just write a check. 250 all together is very, very generous.

banana468

Just give them the cash.

I'm not a fan of the site and since they take a cut, just give the money outright and say that it's for the honeymoon fund.

ahoywedding

I wouldn't contribute to the honeyfund at all, and give them the total amount you had set aside for a gift in a check or cash (whatever you're comfortable with). All honeyfund sites take a percentage of the money given to the couple for operating costs, so if you give them $50 via that site, they won't get all of that.

If you give them a check or cash, however, they're free to do whatever they want with that money! They can plan to take that on their honeymoon and use it for for an excursion, or maybe a fancier dinner than they would have usually done. Or if they get there and realize they just want to relax, they could save the money and use it for something for their home when they get back. 

geebee908

You're not buying them an experience. The honeyfund company is just going to take a percentage of the money they receive from you (at least 3% but some are more) and write the couple a check. So the couple will receive 97% or less of your gift. You could cut out the middleman and give them the full amount if you hand your check to the couple yourself.

southernbelle0915

Honeymoon registries are against etiquette. Asking for money, whether through a cute poem, a honeymoon registry, a honeymoon jar, etc....it's just dressing up saying "we expect gifts and we want it to be cash." Rude. 

If you decide you want to give money as their wedding gift, don't go through their honeymoon registry site. The site takes a percentage of your gift and only gives them a portion. Just write them a check with "honeymoon" in the memo line. And yes, I think you just divide your whole wedding gift into a gift for the Jack and Jill and a gift at the main event. 50/200 is fine, 75/175 is fine - whatever you want.

mollybarker11

Search for other threads on honeyfunds here. They're nonsensical and tacky. You're essentially paying a third party to give money to the couple.

Are they requesting a donation to their honeyfund in order to gain entrance to the Jack & Jill? I'd decline the invitation to the fundraiser in any case just because I think they're weird, but definitely if a honeyfund donation is the admittance fee.

Give them a cheque as their wedding gift. That way they can use all of the money however they want.

ahoywedding

mollybarker11 said:

Search for other threads on honeyfunds here. They're nonsensical and tacky. You're essentially paying a third party to give money to the couple.

Are they requesting a donation to their honeyfund in order to gain entrance to the Jack & Jill? I'd decline the invitation to the fundraiser in any case just because I think they're weird, but definitely if a honeyfund donation is the admittance fee.

Give them a cheque as their wedding gift. That way they can use all of the money however they want.

Ugh I didn't read it that way the first time, but it could be seen that way. You're right, that's even worse!

mandypants90

ahoywedding said:

mollybarker11 said:

Search for other threads on honeyfunds here. They're nonsensical and tacky. You're essentially paying a third party to give money to the couple.

Are they requesting a donation to their honeyfund in order to gain entrance to the Jack & Jill? I'd decline the invitation to the fundraiser in any case just because I think they're weird, but definitely if a honeyfund donation is the admittance fee.

Give them a cheque as their wedding gift. That way they can use all of the money however they want.

Ugh I didn't read it that way the first time, but it could be seen that way. You're right, that's even worse!

ewwww. I had never heard of anything like this before.

Ro041

jessica490 said:

Hi all- I haven't posted on here for ages but I was able to sign in to ask a question. So H's brother is getting married in June (H is in the wedding party and I'm not). The couple isn't doing a bridal shower, just a separate bachelor/bachelorette AND jack and Jill. I don't think I'm invited to the bachelorette, but H is invited to the bachelor party (if it's still happening). We received the Jack and Jill invite a few weeks ago and they have noted that a honeyfund has been set up so I went to check the site out. It states they don't need gifts as they already have a home, but that they want $ towards their h.moon. On the site it lists a bunch of things to donate to- Their trip, their flight, and other activities that they can do on that H.moon. You can pick the thing you want to donate to and add how much you want to give...I was a little blown away as I've never seen/done anything like this before. So anyway, we planned on giving them $200-$250 for their wedding gift....so I said if they want honeymoom money for this event, we are deducting from their wedding gift amount...Is $50 enough for the h.fund and do $200 for the wedding? I'm not sure what the right answer is here as I'm a little appalled...maybe this is normal, but it just feels greedy to me, but I could be wrong. Thanks for your help!

Not only are honeyfunds bad etiquette, they require the couple to lie to their guests.  When you "buy" the couple a horseback ride (or massage, or bottle of champagne), the site does nothing to set that up for the couple.  Instead, the site takes a cut of the money you spent and gives the couple the rest.  

I have had a number of friends who have set up honeyfunds (they are becoming more common as I get older, sadly), and we just write the couple a check instead.  In one instance, the couple set up a honeyfund for their honeymoon to Europe.  They are big gamers so I bought them the board game Ticket to Ride Europe instead.  They never took the Europe honeymoon.

LondonLisa

Honestly, this is such a mess, I'd be busy that day.

This is such a rude trainwreck on so many levels. If they already have everything, why are they having multiple parties that are for physical gifts only. Jack and Jills are one of the rudest things I have ever heard of. Fundraising is for charity, not for a party. Have people no shame?! There is a reason why you are appalled and taken aback. They are super, super rude. 

And, frankly, there is only one kind of person that has a shower for cash, and it isn't a bride...

As its your brother, just write them a wedding cheque for their actual wedding and decline any pre-wedding parties. 

jessica490

I agree with everything you all said above, I'm just trying to be respectful in front of H. I know they are tacky, and I think I knew that they company takes a percentage of what was collected so I wasn't sure how to handle. On their invite, it didn't mention an "entrance fee" (I guess that's what it would be call), just the honeyfund website at the bottom, so I hope we don't owe money at the door either...Not sure if it's open bar either...I've never been to a J&J so not sure how it works...let me know.

Will they know if we don't contribute to the honeyfund so we can just give them the full $250 at the wedding? I don't want to come off as rude or not "giving", I would just rather not go the H.fund route....their honeymoon isn't for a month or so after the wedding anyway...

ahoywedding

jessica490 said:

I agree with everything you all said above, I'm just trying to be respectful in front of H. I know they are tacky, and I think I knew that they company takes a percentage of what was collected so I wasn't sure how to handle. On their invite, it didn't mention an "entrance fee" (I guess that's what it would be call), just the honeyfund website at the bottom, so I hope we don't owe money at the door either...Not sure if it's open bar either...I've never been to a J&J so not sure how it works...let me know.

Will they know if we don't contribute to the honeyfund so we can just give them the full $250 at the wedding? I don't want to come off as rude or not "giving", I would just rather not go the H.fund route....their honeymoon isn't for a month or so after the wedding anyway...

They'll likely get a list of who gave to the honeyfund and for what amount when the account is closed, I would guess after the wedding? If you're worried about them thinking you're not giving them a gift, I think it's fair to split up the total amount you planned to spend and bring a little to the J&J and the rest to the wedding. I doubt if you handed someone a check or an envelope of cash and said "congratulations!!" they would be like "but why didn't you give this to our online fund??"

Ro041

jessica490 said:

I agree with everything you all said above, I'm just trying to be respectful in front of H. I know they are tacky, and I think I knew that they company takes a percentage of what was collected so I wasn't sure how to handle. On their invite, it didn't mention an "entrance fee" (I guess that's what it would be call), just the honeyfund website at the bottom, so I hope we don't owe money at the door either...Not sure if it's open bar either...I've never been to a J&J so not sure how it works...let me know.

Will they know if we don't contribute to the honeyfund so we can just give them the full $250 at the wedding? I don't want to come off as rude or not "giving", I would just rather not go the H.fund route....their honeymoon isn't for a month or so after the wedding anyway...

What makes you think they aren't going the Honeyfund route for the wedding also?  If they have made the decision that they don't want to do a registry for a wedding shower, I highly doubt they are setting one up for the wedding....

I would decline the party and give whatever amount for the wedding in the form of a check.  Although, if it were me, I would probably be annoyed and end up giving less than I planned to.  

jessica490

Well I know H won't skip the party as it's his family, but I think we will just hand them a check for $50 at that event, and then give $200 for their wedding....mind you, they got us a small applicance for our wedding gift and that was it...no that I'm complaining, just saying lol

Heffalump

jessica490 said:

Hi all- I haven't posted on here for ages but I was able to sign in to ask a question. So H's brother is getting married in June (H is in the wedding party and I'm not). The couple isn't doing a bridal shower, just a separate bachelor/bachelorette AND jack and Jill. I don't think I'm invited to the bachelorette, but H is invited to the bachelor party (if it's still happening). We received the Jack and Jill invite a few weeks ago and they have noted that a honeyfund has been set up so I went to check the site out. It states they don't need gifts as they already have a home, but that they want $ towards their h.moon. On the site it lists a bunch of things to donate to- Their trip, their flight, and other activities that they can do on that H.moon. You can pick the thing you want to donate to and add how much you want to give...I was a little blown away as I've never seen/done anything like this before. So anyway, we planned on giving them $200-$250 for their wedding gift....so I said if they want honeymoom money for this event, we are deducting from their wedding gift amount...Is $50 enough for the h.fund and do $200 for the wedding? I'm not sure what the right answer is here as I'm a little appalled...maybe this is normal, but it just feels greedy to me, but I could be wrong. Thanks for your help!

I really would like for every KnottieNumbers who posts "Nobody minds" or "People are modern and not all stuffy now!" to read this post.  Lots of people think it's poor etiquette, not just the "harpies" (LOL) on the etiquette board.  And those feelings affect the gifts the couple receives, as well as many guests' feelings about the couple themselves.

geebee908

jessica490 said:

Well I know H won't skip the party as it's his family, but I think we will just hand them a check for $50 at that event, and then give $200 for their wedding....mind you, they got us a small applicance for our wedding gift and that was it...no that I'm complaining, just saying lol

I suppose if it were anyone other than family, I'd be looking for the tackiest physical gift I could find. You're being very generous with your total gift and this plan sounds great.

kahluakoala

You should just write them a check each time rather than donating to the "fund". This is a way to indicate they want cash, so if you still feel so inclined to give a gift, this is what wyou should give them

jessica290

Yes, I think we will just do 2 checks then. Thank you all for your advice...

TrixieJess

jessica490 said:

I agree with everything you all said above, I'm just trying to be respectful in front of H. I know they are tacky, and I think I knew that they company takes a percentage of what was collected so I wasn't sure how to handle. On their invite, it didn't mention an "entrance fee" (I guess that's what it would be call), just the honeyfund website at the bottom, so I hope we don't owe money at the door either...Not sure if it's open bar either...I've never been to a J&J so not sure how it works...let me know.

Will they know if we don't contribute to the honeyfund so we can just give them the full $250 at the wedding? I don't want to come off as rude or not "giving", I would just rather not go the H.fund route....their honeymoon isn't for a month or so after the wedding anyway...

A Jack and Jill is usually a "party" where tickets are sold for the event. It's usually cash bar, and there are games that you buy tickets for. There can be prizes that are raffled off at the end of the night for tickets that are bought. All of this is to raise funds for the bride and groom. I know because these "parties" are common in my area (but not amongst my circle of friends). 

To be honest, I wouldn't contribute to their honeyfund and just give them a cheque like @LondonLisa suggested. 

SP29

J&J are not gift giving events. You shouldn't be giving a gift or contributing to a HM fund for this.

J&J are large parties, often held at some sort of venue. There is a ticket with a price (say $10 for entrance). This ticket price includes food and often a DJ or playlist. You pay for your drinks additionally, and there are often games and raffles that you pay to enter. There are also door prizes. People eat, chat, drink, play games and dance.

Very common in my area and circles as well.

I would give your wedding gift as planned at the wedding.

mollybarker11

Yeah I've never been to a J&J but my understanding is that they are not gift-giving events, which is why it's really strange for them to list "registry" info (honeyfund) on the invitation.

J&Js do generally charge an admittance fee at the door and/or sell tickets in advance, which is why I thought maybe they listed their honeyfund as an alternative to that.

Super weird either way.

mollybarker11

I have been to similar fundraising events in my community but they are organized by family / friends of people who've sufferered a horrible tragedy (eg illness, injury, loss). So the idea of a couple throwing the same type of thing for a wedding makes my head spin.

geebee908

I'd just deduct whatever money you spend at the Jack & Jill (if it's a fundraiser and not a couples shower) from your planned $250 total.

jessica290

Ok, thanks. At least I'll know what to possibly expect when we walk in the door

banana468

There is a small chance that the jack and jill IS a shower.   My aunt threw us a couples shower and called it a jack and jill.   When the invitations were printed I asked that we call it a couples shower so there was no confusion but she'd never heard of an event where you charge for admission.

MandyMost

banana468 said:

There is a small chance that the jack and jill IS a shower.   My aunt threw us a couples shower and called it a jack and jill.   When the invitations were printed I asked that we call it a couples shower so there was no confusion but she'd never heard of an event where you charge for admission.

I had never heard of the ticket-prices fund-raising event of a "jack and jill" until I started reading these boards. I had heard of a coed shower referred to as a jack and jill shower before, but it was literally just a shower that was coed. 

[Deleted User]

I vote just give them the cash/check and they can use it for whatever they want. They can use it for stuff on their honeymoon or for things when they get back.

Knottiec608fdf86dd5f384

Just because they have a Honeyfund does not mean that you have to use it. There is also an option on the site to say that you are giving the money to them in person. I see nothing wrong with a Honeyfund. I am doing one myself and have been to several wedding that have done one and I think it is a genius idea. Who cares if it goes into one pot? Maybe the flights didn't cost as much as you budgeted or dinner was a bit more. Now you can pull from one thing to use it for another. And the whole "experience" thing I super cool. My FH and I bought a zip lining adventure for our friends and that shot a video while doing it and sent it to us. I found that to be extremely personal and was so happy that I got them something that they actually wanted.     

NiceKindaSpice

Knottiec608fdf86dd5f384 said:

Just because they have a Honeyfund does not mean that you have to use it. There is also an option on the site to say that you are giving the money to them in person. I see nothing wrong with a Honeyfund. I am doing one myself and have been to several wedding that have done one and I think it is a genius idea. Who cares if it goes into one pot? Maybe the flights didn't cost as much as you budgeted or dinner was a bit more. Now you can pull from one thing to use it for another. And the whole "experience" thing I super cool. My FH and I bought a zip lining adventure for our friends and that shot a video while doing it and sent it to us. I found that to be extremely personal and was so happy that I got them something that they actually wanted.     

Okay, did you revive a thread to justify yourself? Because logical rebuttals are already listed above.

You're probably not going to care for what we have to say, but your bolded sentiments are counterintuitive. On one hand, you're arguing why one pot is beneficial and, on the other, you're talking about buying the "experience". You only really bought them the experience if they can only use your gift for that experience. Otherwise the experience is only a suggestion. 

You could have just written them a cheque and suggested the experience in the memo. Then they would have gotten the experience and no unnecessary middleman would have taken a cut.

LondonLisa

Knottiec608fdf86dd5f384 said:

Just because they have a Honeyfund does not mean that you have to use it. There is also an option on the site to say that you are giving the money to them in person. I see nothing wrong with a Honeyfund. I am doing one myself and have been to several wedding that have done one and I think it is a genius idea. Who cares if it goes into one pot? Maybe the flights didn't cost as much as you budgeted or dinner was a bit more. Now you can pull from one thing to use it for another. And the whole "experience" thing I super cool. My FH and I bought a zip lining adventure for our friends and that shot a video while doing it and sent it to us. I found that to be extremely personal and was so happy that I got them something that they actually wanted.     

Ok, for the 9th time, If you pay for something (honeyfund) that you would otherwise get for free (cash and cheques), you are TERRIBLE with money. You paid 3% plus $0.30 per transaction. If you had 75 couples give $100 each, you just paid $250 for something you could have received for free. 

Maybe use use some of the left over 'who cares' money (that I'm pretty sure guests do care- I would) for an economics course.