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Wedding Etiquette Forum
jessica490
member
Honeyfund Question
Hi all- I haven't posted on here for ages but I was able to sign in to ask a question. So H's brother is getting married in June (H is in the wedding party and I'm not). The couple isn't doing a bridal shower, just a separate bachelor/bachelorette AND jack and Jill. I don't think I'm invited to the bachelorette, but H is invited to the bachelor party (if it's still happening). We received the Jack and Jill invite a few weeks ago and they have noted that a honeyfund has been set up so I went to check the site out. It states they don't need gifts as they already have a home, but that they want $ towards their h.moon. On the site it lists a bunch of things to donate to- Their trip, their flight, and other activities that they can do on that H.moon. You can pick the thing you want to donate to and add how much you want to give...I was a little blown away as I've never seen/done anything like this before. So anyway, we planned on giving them $200-$250 for their wedding gift....so I said if they want honeymoom money for this event, we are deducting from their wedding gift amount...Is $50 enough for the h.fund and do $200 for the wedding? I'm not sure what the right answer is here as I'm a little appalled...maybe this is normal, but it just feels greedy to me, but I could be wrong. Thanks for your help!
Re: Honeyfund Question
And it is greedy, and rude. One should never tell you what to do with your money, and they shouldn't "expect" gifts.
I'm a little passive aggressive, and if they said this I'd consider buying something physical, just because. lol.
But for real, if you want to give them a monetary gift, just write a check. 250 all together is very, very generous.
I'm not a fan of the site and since they take a cut, just give the money outright and say that it's for the honeymoon fund.
If you give them a check or cash, however, they're free to do whatever they want with that money! They can plan to take that on their honeymoon and use it for for an excursion, or maybe a fancier dinner than they would have usually done. Or if they get there and realize they just want to relax, they could save the money and use it for something for their home when they get back.
If you decide you want to give money as their wedding gift, don't go through their honeymoon registry site. The site takes a percentage of your gift and only gives them a portion. Just write them a check with "honeymoon" in the memo line. And yes, I think you just divide your whole wedding gift into a gift for the Jack and Jill and a gift at the main event. 50/200 is fine, 75/175 is fine - whatever you want.
Are they requesting a donation to their honeyfund in order to gain entrance to the Jack & Jill? I'd decline the invitation to the fundraiser in any case just because I think they're weird, but definitely if a honeyfund donation is the admittance fee.
Give them a cheque as their wedding gift. That way they can use all of the money however they want.
ewwww. I had never heard of anything like this before.
I have had a number of friends who have set up honeyfunds (they are becoming more common as I get older, sadly), and we just write the couple a check instead. In one instance, the couple set up a honeyfund for their honeymoon to Europe. They are big gamers so I bought them the board game Ticket to Ride Europe instead. They never took the Europe honeymoon.
This is such a rude trainwreck on so many levels. If they already have everything, why are they having multiple parties that are for physical gifts only. Jack and Jills are one of the rudest things I have ever heard of. Fundraising is for charity, not for a party. Have people no shame?! There is a reason why you are appalled and taken aback. They are super, super rude.
And, frankly, there is only one kind of person that has a shower for cash, and it isn't a bride...
As its your brother, just write them a wedding cheque for their actual wedding and decline any pre-wedding parties.
I agree with everything you all said above, I'm just trying to be respectful in front of H. I know they are tacky, and I think I knew that they company takes a percentage of what was collected so I wasn't sure how to handle. On their invite, it didn't mention an "entrance fee" (I guess that's what it would be call), just the honeyfund website at the bottom, so I hope we don't owe money at the door either...Not sure if it's open bar either...I've never been to a J&J so not sure how it works...let me know.
Will they know if we don't contribute to the honeyfund so we can just give them the full $250 at the wedding? I don't want to come off as rude or not "giving", I would just rather not go the H.fund route....their honeymoon isn't for a month or so after the wedding anyway...
I would decline the party and give whatever amount for the wedding in the form of a check. Although, if it were me, I would probably be annoyed and end up giving less than I planned to.
Well I know H won't skip the party as it's his family, but I think we will just hand them a check for $50 at that event, and then give $200 for their wedding....mind you, they got us a small applicance for our wedding gift and that was it...no that I'm complaining, just saying lol
I really would like for every KnottieNumbers who posts "Nobody minds" or "People are modern and not all stuffy now!" to read this post. Lots of people think it's poor etiquette, not just the "harpies" (LOL) on the etiquette board. And those feelings affect the gifts the couple receives, as well as many guests' feelings about the couple themselves.
To be honest, I wouldn't contribute to their honeyfund and just give them a cheque like @LondonLisa suggested.
J&J are large parties, often held at some sort of venue. There is a ticket with a price (say $10 for entrance). This ticket price includes food and often a DJ or playlist. You pay for your drinks additionally, and there are often games and raffles that you pay to enter. There are also door prizes. People eat, chat, drink, play games and dance.
Very common in my area and circles as well.
I would give your wedding gift as planned at the wedding.
J&Js do generally charge an admittance fee at the door and/or sell tickets in advance, which is why I thought maybe they listed their honeyfund as an alternative to that.
Super weird either way.
You're probably not going to care for what we have to say, but your bolded sentiments are counterintuitive. On one hand, you're arguing why one pot is beneficial and, on the other, you're talking about buying the "experience". You only really bought them the experience if they can only use your gift for that experience. Otherwise the experience is only a suggestion.
You could have just written them a cheque and suggested the experience in the memo. Then they would have gotten the experience and no unnecessary middleman would have taken a cut.
Maybe use use some of the left over 'who cares' money (that I'm pretty sure guests do care- I would) for an economics course.