Is this rude? (Internal dilemma)

ahoywedding

So FI & I live in his home state. I left mine about 6 years ago, but a good share of my family (all dad's side, part of mom's side) live in my home state. I have a few friends who live there still, but not a ton. The rest of my family and all of FI's family live all over the country. Most of our friends are here. We just bought a house here, so this is going to be our home for the foreseeable future. His parents live in the same city as us, and when we started planning, my parents did as well (they have since retired to a life of semi-nomads).

I'm starting to feel guilty about planning our wedding in the city in which we live. I know it's one of those things that isn't as important to other people as it is to me, and there is NEVER going to be the perfect time or place that works for everyone. Am I just being irrational? I sometimes feel like we should have planned it for my hometown, but planning a long-distance wedding seemed intimidating.

aurianna

You're entitled to host your wedding anywhere you want. And hosting it where you live and where a majority of your friends live seems perfectly reasonable. It should definitely be easier for you to plan since you live there.

The only thing you really need to do is understand that less people may choose to come if it's a hardship. Also think about VIPs. For example, if you have a grandmother that's not well enough to travel, are you ok that she's not at your wedding?

There's no right answer here.

charlotte989875

ahoywedding said:

So FI & I live in his home state. I left mine about 6 years ago, but a good share of my family (all dad's side, part of mom's side) live in my home state. I have a few friends who live there still, but not a ton. The rest of my family and all of FI's family live all over the country. Most of our friends are here. We just bought a house here, so this is going to be our home for the foreseeable future. His parents live in the same city as us, and when we started planning, my parents did as well (they have since retired to a life of semi-nomads).

I'm starting to feel guilty about planning our wedding in the city in which we live. I know it's one of those things that isn't as important to other people as it is to me, and there is NEVER going to be the perfect time or place that works for everyone. Am I just being irrational? I sometimes feel like we should have planned it for my hometown, but planning a long-distance wedding seemed intimidating.

I definitely don't think what you're doing is rude in anyway. It's convenient to you, to many of your guests, and it is where your home is, so it makes sense that's where you would hold your wedding.

Like @aurianna said if there are any VIPs that don't live there you might want to think about their accommodations and travel, but at the end of the day with the situation you described you'll never make everyone happy. You're hosting an event where many people are from, and presumably there are hotels/inns/Airbnb where people can stay if they are coming in to town. 

Don't beat yourself up about this, it's all okay!

southernbelle0915

This sounds like exactly our situation, except roles reversed. Initially, his family was all huffy about not having the wedding within 15 minutes of their house (*major eyeroll*). They went as far as wanting two separate weddings, or at least a local reception so no one from his side had to travel. So at least you aren't getting a ton of external pressure! It really cast a shadow over the fun stuff in the beginning. 

We just made our choice and stuck to it. Since you have a scattered guest list, SOMEBODY is going to have to travel. There's always the potential elderly guests or people who can't afford to travel won't come. That's just life. The sooner you let go of your guilt, the more fun you will have getting into planning. 

ahoywedding

Thanks everyone! We have no grandparents, and both of our immediate families (parents & siblings) are able to travel. I have one uncle who has been ill for some time and won't be able to travel, but in all honesty (I mean this in the least-mean way possible), I thought he would have passed a while ago. We did make a point to see him the last time we were in my home state, and will visit him next time we go back as well. We've made plans to meet up with guests who can't make it next time we're there also, which makes me feel a little better.

STARMOON44

Of course this isn't rude!

Ro041

@ahoywedding - would you rather inconvenience yourselves, your local friends, and your FI's family than your own family?  Neither myself or my FI live anywhere near our parents and we are having our wedding here, which means everyone has to travel.  It's in no way rude to do it where it makes the most sense for you (the hoster).

ILoveBeachMusic

DD had her wedding where she and SIL live. It is also where his parents and grandparents live. It was a pain in the butt for our family but they made the decision. They had friends in their city and all over the country so that wasn't as big an issue. Some of our family didn't come but that always happens when some people have to travel. It is not rude in anyway.

CMGragain

ahoywedding said:

So FI & I live in his home state. I left mine about 6 years ago, but a good share of my family (all dad's side, part of mom's side) live in my home state. I have a few friends who live there still, but not a ton. The rest of my family and all of FI's family live all over the country. Most of our friends are here. We just bought a house here, so this is going to be our home for the foreseeable future. His parents live in the same city as us, and when we started planning, my parents did as well (they have since retired to a life of semi-nomads).

I'm starting to feel guilty about planning our wedding in the city in which we live. I know it's one of those things that isn't as important to other people as it is to me, and there is NEVER going to be the perfect time or place that works for everyone. Am I just being irrational? I sometimes feel like we should have planned it for my hometown, but planning a long-distance wedding seemed intimidating.

The tradition of being married from the bride's parents' home comes from the days when the bride lived with her parents until her marriage.
You do not live with your parents.  You live in the town where you are planning your wedding.  This makes perfect sense.
No one has the right to tell you where you should be married, including your family members.  This is your choice, not theirs, unless they are paying for it.

PS.  We paid for DD's wedding, 2000 miles away from us.  Traveling was difficult for my DH, but the wedding was perfect, and well worth the traveling inconvenience.  JMHO.

cowgirl8238

I'm with @Ro041 in that we got married where we were living and that meant that 90% of our guest list would have to travel.  It just made the most sense to live near where we were planning and to save on the costs as our hometown LI, NY is far more expensive than PA for the exact same wedding.  We did have some people decline that we wishes would have made it, but DHs friends from Michigan did make it, so you never really know!

short+sassy

My H and I chose to travel to my hometown to get married because, otherwise, EVERYONE (except the BM and his SO) would have had to travel.  We didn't feel required to do that, but it did feel great to make things so convenient for half our guest list (who also lived in that town).  With that said, I would have been a lot more hesitant if my mom hadn't offered to meet with vendors and plan everything.  A bonus to that was my grandmother was able to attend.  She isn't well enough to travel and couldn't have come if my H and I had planned in our own city.

With that said, it's never rude or something to feel guilty about for couples to host their wedding/reception in their own city they are living.  And, in your case, there are already a lot of guests who live there anyway.

MesmrEwe

OP - you're not being rude, you're being normal!

My now late FIL was blind and had Parkinson's so we had the wedding by DH's family at 3x the expense for the same level of event if it'd been down by my family however we did it this way so that FIL could maneuver around without a guide and be comfortable the entire day.  My family was at minimum 4-7 hours drive away.  Sometimes it's about functional to real life, not "Traditionally weddings were held in the Bride's home town"..  

The hard part for you is really going to be the unknown for how many will attend because you'll be inviting more than will actually be able to attend.  OTOH, you never know, they all may show up (it does happen!).  You do have the option to have a "Celebration of Marriage" party (basically a party you host without the dress, tiered cake, etc.) back by your family at another date, but that can get expensive, and you certainly do not need/have to do this.  

ellamber

@ahoywedding
Don't feel guilty. It is totally reasonable to have a wedding closest to you. 90% of my guests will be traveling and we had gotten SO much crap from FI's family that the wedding is too far away. My repetitive response was "Sorry, I hope you can make it though" and I think they got tired of hearing it because I haven't heard anything else in awhile. FI and I are establishing a life in this area, we should be able to get married here as well if that is what we choose.

VTsuninSc

I echo what everyone said.  I grew up 20 hours from where my fI and I live, which is the same town most of our friends and his family live as well.  We get married in two weeks so I can tell you that not only were my parents not offended by having and hosting a wedding by us.  While my side's attendance is significantly lower those that are coming are making extended stays or vacations out of it because of where we chose to host.  We live in a small town without much appeal to outside visitors but we chose a place that is 2 hours from our home for our wedding because it offers a lot more for visitors to do (and they are coming from below freezing temperatures to weather in the 70's is an added bonus for a winter getaway as well)!

[Deleted User]

You are totally fine with having it local to you. Just send out Save the Dates to your out of town VIP's or call them to give them a heads up once everything is firm with the date & location so that they can plan for the time needed to travel & expense.