Stop cleaning up her messes.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My friend has always been wild, but lately she’s been getting worse and I’m not sure what to do. She’s been partying a lot, and going home with lots of different men, which isn’t a problem by itself, but she constantly tells me how worthless it makes her feel, and seems so upset the next day. I’ve had to pick her up from random guys’ houses, taken her to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and cleaned up the messes she’s made almost every weekend for the last three months. I even had to convince her boss not to fire her after showing up to work too hungover to function. I want to be there for her (she doesn’t have much family), but it’s starting to negatively affect me—I’m planning on having a baby soon and debated putting it off to be able to focus on her! I don’t think that’s fair to me or my fiancé. I don’t want to leave her out in the cold, but how can I get her to take some responsibility? It’s become too much and I don’t want to resent her or completely cut her off, but I’ve come close. When I call her out, she sheepishly says, “I know,” then I get a call hours later for help.

—How Can I Be a Good Friend?

MissKittyDanger

Help friend find proper help. I want to say "stop answering the phone" but in theory, I would continue helping because I would feel I have to. However ... doing this is almost allowing it to continue enabling and not stopping the cycle

sparklepants41

"Friend, I am worried about you. Is everything okay?" And then perhaps offer to go to counseling with her at first. 

levioosa

Talk to her about it one more time, make it clear you won't clean up after her again, and then actually follow through. Obviously see if there's a reason for it, but talk to her and then draw boundaries. Come on, now. 

mrsconn23

She's talking about putting off TTC because of this lady.  She needs Al/Nar-anon. 

sparklepants41

mrsconn23 said:

She's talking about putting off TTC because of this lady.  She needs Al/Nar-anon. 

Yeah. I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor at that one.

Heffalump

I mean, if the friend isn't ready to stop, then there isn't much the LW can do except live her life.  This is not within her power to "fix."


She can't control her friend's behavior and choices, but she can control hers.  So she should start doing that.

charlotte989875

Tell the friend how her behavior is affecting you. Tell her how it makes you feel. Use your words. Don't tell her what she's doing to herself, she likely knows and can't/doesn't care right now. But she does need to hear how she is affecting you. 

Set your boundaries with her. If you don't want to pick her up late at night anymore, tell her. Tell her to get Uber/Lyft/cab numbers in her phone, and when she calls you, tell her to use those. If you don't want to physically clean up any more; don't, she'll have to do it when she can.  

There are consequences to choices people make. 

*Barbie*

mrsconn23 said:

She's talking about putting off TTC because of this lady.  She needs Al/Nar-anon. 

well she already has a drunken toddler, she doesn't need a second baby right now. 

kimmiinthemitten

mrsconn23 said:

She's talking about putting off TTC because of this lady.  She needs Al/Nar-anon. 

I read the letter and thought:  time for my weekly AlAnon response.

OurWildKingdom

I was that friend till I got sober. The best thing LW can do is ask, "Is everything OK?" If the friend says, "No," and is willing to get help, then help her get the help she needs. If the friend thinks nothing is wrong or refuses to get help, then LW can have a come-to-HP talk with her or can step away from the friendship. LW definitely needs Al-Anon and counseling, no matter what she does.

MesmrEwe

The LW needs to do some research and have options ready to go for an intervention (when the person is sober!) along with some counseling for themselves as it's clear enabling .  The friend needs to get hooked up with a program whether that's formal rehab, AA/SA, the LiveFree Program, etc. because it's a tipping point.