Stop making it your circus and your monkeys

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My cousin is a single mother who needs rides everywhere. She has to take two buses just to get to the grocery store (with a toddler in tow), and that’s both time- and cost-prohibitive for her. In theory, I don’t mind helping occasionally, and I’m not going to let her go without food or diapers. But I work full time and have a busy life of my own, and I dread getting unexpected texts to drive her to the grocery store after a long day of work and a commute of my own. My mother is the only other person who can help, but she often demurs, which frustrates me because she doesn’t work and has more time to help. My cousin and I recently agreed on a set day each week where I’ll take her to the store, but yesterday she needed a ride on our “off” day and Mom refused to take her, even though she was going shopping anyway. I was in tears at work arguing with my mother about it. The hardest part is I feel like no one does anything nice—or anything at all—for me. I work and pay bills, loan money out, drive people around, bring my mom candy or dessert or leftovers when I go out (to the point that she gets angry if I don’t bring her anything). I’ll probably get a cake on my birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s pretty much it. I fantasize about moving far away so I won’t be available to them. I guess there are a couple of issues here and I’ve made a much overdue appointment with a therapist but was wondering if you have any advice on how to handle all of this. How do I start putting myself first when others constantly need or want something from me?

—Needy Family

bleve0821

Why is "No" such a difficult concept?

6fsn

Her mom sounds like a bitch. 

thefanciestbeckler

I'm with Atomic. I don't know why LW can't just tell her family no. It's not wrong to need and want time to yourself.

sparklepants41

Yep. I think "no" is just the solution. 

OliveOilsMom

Sounds like boundaries will be LWs friend.  I'm glad that she has reached out to a therapist.

It's good LW and the cousin made a schedule.  That will help tremendously. 

If its available in their area, maybe throwing an amazon prime subscription cousin's way would also help out.  Just having the membership paid for by LW could help herself out, just as much as cousin.

I'd stop giving my mother anything if she gets angry just for not having leftovers brought to her.  She is a bitch.  I think the boundaries are mostly needed with mom.  "Sorry, mom, I can't drive cousin anywhere today.  I have to go now, bye!"  Then don't answer the phone when mom calls back.  It seems like the cousin is amendable to a schedule, but the mom is the one who doesn't care and wants LW to take care of everything.

She should also not loan out any money to anyone.

Ro041

My first thought was maybe she should pay for cousin to take an Uber/Lyft to the store and then pay for it home.  That way, she isn't forced to use her valuable time running Cousin's errands.  But, that would probably get costly pretty fast, so it might not be the best solution.  

And I agree with @OliveOilsMom that Mom is a bitch.

drunkenwitch

Letters like this make me tear my hair out.

Dear LW,  
Get off the cross
Grow a spine 
Learn to say no

You are not a victim, you are a volunteer.

mrsconn23

drunkenwitch said:

Letters like this make me tear my hair out.

Dear LW,  
Get off the cross
Grow a spine 
Learn to say no

You are not a victim, you are a volunter.

YES!  

charlotte989875

I kind of disagree about Mom being a bitch; she doesn't have to help the cousin if she doesn't want. Maybe this is cold-hearted but the cousin's situation is unsustainable, and it's not on the LW or other family members to make it work. 

I totally agree with the set appointment and/Amazon Prime, but also with sticking to that schedule. Either cousin moves, finds a way to get around, schedules appointments/trips when LW offers to be available, and I know that's far easier said that done, but something has to give.

*Barbie*

step 1: "no"
step 2: "oh, hell no"
step 3: "fuck off"

this is totally going to be MIL whenever SIL moves back into MIL's house with her 3 kids and then trashes the place and expects free child care, free meals, rides everywhere, basically that MIL and FIL financially support her and the kids.
MIL will be a total martyr about it, and DK and I are all like, "you could tell her no. she's almost 40. she needs to learn to be a goddamn adult."
 

ei34

6fsn said:

Her mom sounds like a bitch. 

I only thought this when LW said the mom gets angry if she's not given leftovers.  Otherwise it sounds like the mother has boundaries set up, which I think it important.  

Heffalump

charlotte989875 said:

I kind of disagree about Mom being a bitch; she doesn't have to help the cousin if she doesn't want. Maybe this is cold-hearted but the cousin's situation is unsustainable, and it's not on the LW or other family members to make it work. 

I totally agree with the set appointment and/Amazon Prime, but also with sticking to that schedule. Either cousin moves, finds a way to get around, schedules appointments/trips when LW offers to be available, and I know that's far easier said that done, but something has to give.

This.  It doesn't do any good to make a set appointment if you don't stick with it.  As long as the cousin's behavior is rewarded (she gets what she wants), she has no incentive to stop.  If it were a one-off (cousin's car broke down and her kid is hungry), then yes, I would say the mom is a bitch.  But this looks like a long term situation, with no end in sight.  For all the LW knows, maybe the mom has repeatedly told the cousin that she can only do X and/or Y, and is tired of the cousin asking for Z.

Also, if I were the mom, I would be pretty resentful of the whole "she doesn't work so she should do it" attitude.  Maybe she doesn't have to get to work, but she has a life outside of ferrying the cousin around.

mrsconn23 said:

The hardest part is I feel like no one does anything nice—or anything at all—for me. I work and pay bills, loan money out, drive people around, bring my mom candy or dessert or leftovers when I go out (to the point that she gets angry if I don’t bring her anything). I’ll probably get a cake on my birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s pretty much it.

Hell, if someone brought me a cake right now, they would be my BFFFL.  I would settle for a slice.

6fsn

The bitch comment was about the leftovers not the helping cousin.  

flantastic

Prudie could answer so many of these simply with "Boundaries are your friend." or "Use your words."

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My cousin is a single mother who needs rides everywhere. She has to take two buses just to get to the grocery store (with a toddler in tow), and that’s both time- and cost-prohibitive for her. In theory, I don’t mind helping occasionally, and I’m not going to let her go without food or diapers. But I work full time and have a busy life of my own, and I dread getting unexpected texts to drive her to the grocery store after a long day of work and a commute of my own. My mother is the only other person who can help, but she often demurs, which frustrates me because she doesn’t work and has more time to help. My cousin and I recently agreed on a set day each week where I’ll take her to the store, but yesterday she needed a ride on our “off” day and Mom refused to take her, even though she was going shopping anyway. I was in tears at work arguing with my mother about it. The hardest part is I feel like no one does anything nice—or anything at all—for me. I work and pay bills, loan money out, drive people around, bring my mom candy or dessert or leftovers when I go out (to the point that she gets angry if I don’t bring her anything). I’ll probably get a cake on my birthday in a couple of weeks and that’s pretty much it. I fantasize about moving far away so I won’t be available to them. I guess there are a couple of issues here and I’ve made a much overdue appointment with a therapist but was wondering if you have any advice on how to handle all of this. How do I start putting myself first when others constantly need or want something from me?

—Needy Family

Honestly, this also sounds pretty immature, and a little self-centered. 

I pay work and pay bills, no one gives me a party because its called being an adult. 

flantastic

charlotte989875 said:

I kind of disagree about Mom being a bitch; she doesn't have to help the cousin if she doesn't want. Maybe this is cold-hearted but the cousin's situation is unsustainable, and it's not on the LW or other family members to make it work. 

I totally agree with the set appointment and/Amazon Prime, but also with sticking to that schedule. Either cousin moves, finds a way to get around, schedules appointments/trips when LW offers to be available, and I know that's far easier said that done, but something has to give.

I think she's a bitch, but only because she seems to have similar entitlement to the cousin when it comes to the LW. "How dare you not bring me my cheesecake?" It's definitely fair for her to tell cousin she can't do something, even if she doesn't have a direct conflict with that particular instance.

GBCK

ya know, the multiple busses things is TOTES a real problem and a common one w/ public transport, but, the 'dial a ride' type services are not supremely awesomely convenient, but most places with public transport have them.
Maybe cousin needs to make a few more phone calls to expand her plan b's

TrixieJess

GBCK said:

ya know, the multiple busses things is TOTES a real problem and a common one w/ public transport, but, the 'dial a ride' type services are not supremely awesomely convenient, but most places with public transport have them.
Maybe cousin needs to make a few more phone calls to expand her plan b's

We are super lucky to live in an area with a lot of grocery options that we can get to on foot. Neither FI or I drive (me for medical reasons, FI because he's a city kid and didn't need to). However, if we lived where I worked, it would be a pain to get groceries because I'm work in a food desert. I can't just pop out at lunch to grab groceries because there's no where around to do that. I only work 20 minutes from where I live. 

I'm not justifying the cousin, I'm just saying, I understand. Personally I think the LW needs to tell people "no" too.

MesmrEwe

LW has a lot of problems - first the Mom needs a boundary set "no - I'm not bringing you leftovers!"...  Then when it comes to the cousin, again, boundaries - she has one day, if she doesn't budget/plan for it, then she plans to take the bus with a toddler - a nightmare, so should only take once or twice.  Diaper runs aren't going to last much longer, so maybe the LW needs to stop at Walmart/Target for a potty training chair and Paw Patrol underpants...

Most of all, the LW needs to take off the "Welcome" shirt and put it back on the ground in front of her front door.  

OurWildKingdom

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm with Atomic. I don't know why LW can't just tell her family no. It's not wrong to need and want time to yourself.

Unfortunately, there are some families and even cultures where, "No" is considered a four-letter word. I can understand LW's resentment.

That said, I do agree that LW and cousin need to stick to the planned day for driving. I would also suggest that LW get some counseling to learn how to set boundaries. It's not that simple if you're not used to doing it.

thefanciestbeckler

OurWildKingdom said:

thefanciestbeckler said:

I'm with Atomic. I don't know why LW can't just tell her family no. It's not wrong to need and want time to yourself.

Unfortunately, there are some families and even cultures where, "No" is considered a four-letter word. I can understand LW's resentment.

That said, I do agree that LW and cousin need to stick to the planned day for driving. I would also suggest that LW get some counseling to learn how to set boundaries. It's not that simple if you're not used to doing it.

True. You make a great point @OurWildKingdom. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for helping family out in times of need. But it sounds like in this situation some boundaries should be in place at the very least, like you mentioned.