Those Who Pay...Are Holding The $$ Hostage

kwiksilver

When we got engaged my FMIL offered us a generous contribution to the wedding. FI is her last (of 4) children to get married and she gave each of them the same amount. 

So, since FI and I have some savings, but didn't really want to spend it on the wedding, we made our budget based on the amount offered by FMIL. We asked for her list of guests, and agreed to invite them all, no problem. 

Now the trouble is, all of FI's family lives across the country from us. We looked at having a wedding there, but logistically and financially, it was too difficult. I mean wedding planning is hard enough, never mind trying to do it without meeting a single vendor in person. 

So we started planning it for here. We have a tremendous amount of help here (happily offered, not requested) which is making it worlds easier for us. My FI is kind of a "bridezilla" and has more or less dictated many of our decisions regarding venue, theme, etc. I mean his parents are paying, so, I let a lot of that slide (there are lots of complicated issues at hand).

However, so far, we've been paying all the deposits ourselves and draining our savings because no money has been sent. FMIL told me 2 weeks ago they were going to send 1/3 of the funds. Like, why 1/3?  The wedding is in 4 months. Things need to be paid weeks ago. 

Apparently FMIL's nose is out of joint that we are having the wedding here and not there. Even though she agreed to pay for things after we clearly outlined our plans and booked the venue with her blessing. She did not bring any concerns up at the time it was appropriate and now I feel like she's holding the $$ hostage. 

I would literally rather cancel the whole thing, save our $$, and elope. Rather than deplete our entire savings just for one day. FI has tried to speak to her but their relationship is tumultuous and they fight about unrelated things. It's ridiculous.  I feel helpless because it's not my mom but I am doing 100% of dealing with vendors and writing cheques since FI works away from home all the time. 

It's just very frustrating and I am not sure what to do. Advice?  Commiserations?  

ILoveBeachMusic

I think you (plural) need to decide if you can afford the wedding as planned. If not, cancel, see if you can get deposits back and elope.  If you can afford it and want it continue with your plans but don't consult FMIL anymore. She knows your plans. She will either send the money or not. You need to proceed as if she is not going to send the money. Sorry you are going through this.

missfrodo

KwikSilver said:

When we got engaged my FMIL offered us a generous contribution to the wedding. FI is her last (of 4) children to get married and she gave each of them the same amount. 

So, since FI and I have some savings, but didn't really want to spend it on the wedding, we made our budget based on the amount offered by FMIL. We asked for her list of guests, and agreed to invite them all, no problem. 

Now the trouble is, all of FI's family lives across the country from us. We looked at having a wedding there, but logistically and financially, it was too difficult. I mean wedding planning is hard enough, never mind trying to do it without meeting a single vendor in person. 

So we started planning it for here. We have a tremendous amount of help here (happily offered, not requested) which is making it worlds easier for us. My FI is kind of a "bridezilla" and has more or less dictated many of our decisions regarding venue, theme, etc. I mean his parents are paying, so, I let a lot of that slide (there are lots of complicated issues at hand).

However, so far, we've been paying all the deposits ourselves and draining our savings because no money has been sent. FMIL told me 2 weeks ago they were going to send 1/3 of the funds. Like, why 1/3?  The wedding is in 4 months. Things need to be paid weeks ago. 

Apparently FMIL's nose is out of joint that we are having the wedding here and not there. Even though she agreed to pay for things after we clearly outlined our plans and booked the venue with her blessing. She did not bring any concerns up at the time it was appropriate and now I feel like she's holding the $$ hostage. 

I would literally rather cancel the whole thing, save our $$, and elope. Rather than deplete our entire savings just for one day. FI has tried to speak to her but their relationship is tumultuous and they fight about unrelated things. It's ridiculous.  I feel helpless because it's not my mom but I am doing 100% of dealing with vendors and writing cheques since FI works away from home all the time. 

It's just very frustrating and I am not sure what to do. Advice?  Commiserations?  

Wow, that sucks.  I agree with ILoveBeachMusic, I would move forward as if FMIL is not going to fork over the money since she has failed to deliver on what she told you she would multiple times.  It sounds like your FI is more into having a big wedding than you are, so you definitely want to get on the same page: Is it better to lose a deposit or two and elope or have a very small, immediate-family only wedding, or is it more important to go ahead with the big wedding as planned?  This sounds like it's going to be a major test of communication and compromise for the two of you, so think of it as practice moving forward with your lives together.  Sounds like it's also going to be a test for FI of setting appropriate boundaries/communication/expectations with his mom.  

charlotte989875

I agree with PPs; move forward planning the wedding you two can afford, and if that means she doesn't get things she insisted on, well that's too bad for her. Yes she who pays gets a say, but that's if they pay. If they offer money, make demands, and don't actually contribute you don't need to follow through with their requests. 

Also, I think your FI needs to clearly understand what's happening (what checks exactly are you writing, for how much, which vendors are being paid, etc.) and communicate to his mother that if they no longer want to offer money that is fine, but whatever things they asked for you might not want be able to afford. Also, just because he works out of town doesn't mean he can't be involved in the details of what is happening  

kwiksilver

Thank you for the replies ladies!  I spoke to FI yesterday and just told him straight up "We can't afford to pay for the wedding ourselves on the budget we set, so we have to either cut the budget down and spend all of our savings to pull it off, cancel the whole thing and elope, or you need to speak to your mother in a kind and gentle way and ask if she's in or out on the financial end"

I went over with him again what needed to be paid for like ASAP (we already paid the venue in full, but the deposit on the tent rental is still needed, I paid a deposit on a dress, but the next payment will be due in a few weeks, etc, etc) so that he really understood the urgency of making a decision.  We could get back the venue fee in full, but probably not the dress deposit, and I definitely didn't want to put the deposit on the tents until I knew for sure we were doing this, because those deposits are typically non-refundable.

So he spoke to his mother and then shortly after I got an e-mail about a money transfer.  They sent the 1/3 as originally promised (I still don't really get the portioning it out like that, but I am so not looking a gift horse in the mouth).  I immediately accepted, contacted her to express my gratitude, and sent a large payment to my credit card company, LOL (trying to use my one card for everything because we collect a lot of rewards points on it).

Thanks for the input.  I hope this is the last awkward moment regarding the financial end of it all, it's way too stressful.

Also, I just wanted to add that FI is quite involved in the details, it's just he works M-F and he absolutely can't use his phone at work.  He usually leaves it in his room because he routinely gets drenched in liquids and doesn't want it ruined.  That makes it difficult for him to really do many of the vendor related things because it's a lot of speaking to people during business hours.  I am not working right now (laid off) so it's a bit easier for me to handle that stuff.  It's not ideal of course, but he's also a procrastinator, and the wedding is in 4 months, which to him seems like "forever" and I am like "OMG NO" so I feel safer doing a lot of the actual work myself LOL. 

greeninspring

Good for you! Just try to keep your FI on the same page and create the sense of urgency with him when necessary. He will relay that urgency to his mom as he has already proven. My FMIL still acts like the wedding is soo far away (it's in 60 days) and she kind of laughs about how much I am doing in advance. Everyone has their different perceptions! Especially when they're not very involved in the planning process. 

OliveOilsMom

OP - Have you been able to speak to your FI about your concerns for the wedding?  Have you been able to speak to him about how his family has been bitching to you about HIS plans?  Have you been pushing back at FI's family when they call to complain?

I still feel you are taking on too much of this wedding burden yourself when its FI who wants all of these plans for himself.  I'm still astonished at that since this is your 2nd wedding, your opinion doesn't matter in the planning.

flantastic

The 1/3 makes some sense to me - not everyone always has a lump sum lying around. We had a budget which was based on saving $X per month for a number of months leading up to the wedding. But how close did you say it was to the wedding? Either the 1/3 is arbitrary, as you seem to think, or you might need to be more concerned about their ability to come through with the other 2/3 by the time of the wedding.

kwiksilver

OliveOilsMom said:

OP - Have you been able to speak to your FI about your concerns for the wedding?  Have you been able to speak to him about how his family has been bitching to you about HIS plans?  Have you been pushing back at FI's family when they call to complain?

I still feel you are taking on too much of this wedding burden yourself when its FI who wants all of these plans for himself.  I'm still astonished at that since this is your 2nd wedding, your opinion doesn't matter in the planning.

Hey Yes I did talk to him about it.  We discussed changing the venue (he was adamantly against that) and what we could do to make it easier for his family.  We have arranged shuttles, as was suggested on my other thread, so that's been handled.  We opened up our home of course to any of them arriving before the wedding, offered to pick them up from the airport (it's a convenient and short drive from our house) and so forth.  I've put all of the "handle your family" duties on his plate because I am so over that.  He seems to have taken up the cause, as it were.

I spoke to his younger brother the other day, and according to him, the mother is just having a fit because we are having the wedding where we live instead of where they live.  She's also mad that we aren't having a traditional dinner, and apparently she uses her kids wedding as a way to show off to her siblings, and we just don't fit that vision.  I realize that as she is contributing financially, we need to take her suggestions under consideration, but so far she hasn't actually made any, except the guest list, which we happily complied with.  She hasn't said anything about the meal or any of that TO US directly, I just hear about it from FI's siblings.

FI and myself also did speak some about how he's been rather inconsiderate of me.  Without getting into a bunch of personal relationship stuff, I feel like we are moving in a more positive direction.  I am still not 100% happy with all the $$ that is being spent on a wedding, but I also understand that there are things that are really important to him.  So, there is some progress there.

While I am taking on a lot, just to execute his plans, I know that if I don't it won't get done at all, and then we just won't get married.  Also if he DOES do things he doesn't consider etiquette at all.  He's a total bridezilla and thinks everyone should just be honored to be there and do whatever he wishes.  He's not a bad person, he's just not thoughtful of our guests because he bought into the "I'm a special princess for the day and it's all about me" that abounds in WeddingLand these days.  If we MUST have a wedding, then I insist that it absolutely be properly hosted at the very least, and unfortunately that means doing a lot of the things myself.

I appreciate you stopping by to ask Thank you!

kwiksilver

flantastic said:

The 1/3 makes some sense to me - not everyone always has a lump sum lying around. We had a budget which was based on saving $X per month for a number of months leading up to the wedding. But how close did you say it was to the wedding? Either the 1/3 is arbitrary, as you seem to think, or you might need to be more concerned about their ability to come through with the other 2/3 by the time of the wedding.

The wedding is June 23rd.  I'm really not concerned with their ability to come through, they are quite well off and very financially savvy.  They saved the same amount for each of their children's weddings, and had no problem paying it any of the other times.  I am certain they have their own reasons for only doling out so much at a time, but I know for certain that the money already exists in an account, they aren't saving it as they go, that's not their style at all.