Dear Prudence,
I am gay and have been living with my girlfriend for about five years. We have plans to get married after we both graduate but that is a ways off. She was raised by two gay dads and is very close to her birth mom. Her family is large, liberal, and very supportive. My family is not. I am out to my mom and my sisters (my father is dead), but not my extended family. I spend a few days every couple of months with my paternal grandparents. I love them but they’re old and racist. My younger sister stopped visiting after they made insensitive comments about Latinos (her boyfriend was from South America) and I am now the only grandchild who visits regularly. They don’t know I’m gay, and our conversations revolve around safe, neutral topics.
My girlfriend has gotten increasingly angry with me over “catering to their bigotry.” She doesn’t want to pretend to just be my roommate if they call, hates that I drive hours to see them when other events are going on our lives (I missed her uncle’s wedding), and calls me a coward for lying to them. My grandparents are in their late 80s and not in good health. I know their affection and compassion are limited but I still love them. I don’t want to cause them stress or have to deal with the emotional fallout. We fight about it every time I plan a trip to see my grandparents. I tell her I need her support and she tells me I need not to be ashamed of myself or her. Is she right?