Wedding Woes

Future wife >>> racist grandparents

Dear Prudence,
I am gay and have been living with my girlfriend for about five years. We have plans to get married after we both graduate but that is a ways off. She was raised by two gay dads and is very close to her birth mom. Her family is large, liberal, and very supportive. My family is not. I am out to my mom and my sisters (my father is dead), but not my extended family. I spend a few days every couple of months with my paternal grandparents. I love them but they’re old and racist. My younger sister stopped visiting after they made insensitive comments about Latinos (her boyfriend was from South America) and I am now the only grandchild who visits regularly. They don’t know I’m gay, and our conversations revolve around safe, neutral topics.

My girlfriend has gotten increasingly angry with me over “catering to their bigotry.” She doesn’t want to pretend to just be my roommate if they call, hates that I drive hours to see them when other events are going on our lives (I missed her uncle’s wedding), and calls me a coward for lying to them. My grandparents are in their late 80s and not in good health. I know their affection and compassion are limited but I still love them. I don’t want to cause them stress or have to deal with the emotional fallout. We fight about it every time I plan a trip to see my grandparents. I tell her I need her support and she tells me I need not to be ashamed of myself or her. Is she right?

—OK to Lie?

Re: Future wife >>> racist grandparents

  • Yeah lying isn't ok. I do get where LW is coming from to a certain extent though. My grandparents aren't racist, but they are super conservative and pretty close minded. Sometimes members of my family (not me) omit certain details when talking to my grandparents simply to avoid the lecture. I don't think any of my family would ask someone else to do that, though.


  • Asking the GF to lie when they call is not right at all. 

    The younger sister had the right idea by not seeing the grandparents any further after speaking badly about Latinos when her BF was from South America.

    LW needs to back off further contact with the grandparents and maybe only go there 3-4 times per year, if she can't totally stop seeing them.  I don't know that I would be able to visit with them knowing they couldn't support me and my relationship due to their views.

  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2017
    ell..quite often people lie for the right reasons..sure..lying is bad and it feels bad..still..the decision whether to lie or not is yours and you should understand the consequences of both decisions, make yours and be ready for what may come at you..besides as an [edited to remove TOS violation] i've read quite a lot of case studies regarding lying and stuff but no matter how many of those you will read and how many pieces of advice on this you'll get, the decision will still be hard to make simply because you love both your g/f and grandparents..maybe you decided whom you love more or whom you are afraid of losing and based on that make your decision..best

    @KnotRiley
    VENDOR!   
  • Now I seriously have an urge to reply to Prudie letters in a vendor-like manner.  It needs to be the right combo of the thinnest, most gossamer thread related to the letter coupled with some totally rando ad.  This particular "essay typist" ad was an almost perfect example.  Though I did have to deduct points for the poster obviously being a non-native English speaker by using a weird phrase like "essay typist", for the most important part of the post.  Doh!  So close Knottie Vendor.  So close.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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