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Etiquette

Friend Question!

So, I'm kind of torn here. 

I have a friend (well, at this point, it's an acquaintance) that I was close with growing up and since graduating from college, we drifted apart. Not really any bad blood, we were the best of friends, but I was putting a lot of effort into sustaining our friendship, and I kind of just let things drift off at a certain point. 

I have not seen her or exchanged more than a couple "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Birthday" texts since October 2013.
Well...I should say I've tried. I've reached out when she's in town, given her the occasional call, text, facebook message, and rarely do I get anything in return. This has not been new behavior. I've simply just accepted this is the way she is. No hard feelings. We are adults, life moves forward. So you can imagine that I was pretty surprised at later events...

She went OFF on me when she found out I had not asked her to be a bridesmaid. Out of nowhere. Called me and told me how angry she was at me and how hurt she was, especially that I had asked friend X from high school (who I still talked to every day at that point) and not her, and went on to say how she was happier for me than any of my other friends could possibly be (she's never even met FI, despite me trying in the past to introduce them). I explained that I felt we had drifted apart due to the fact that she had not answered any texts or phone calls, nor showed up to any prearranged friend dates in 3 years, and just because I didn't ask her doesn't mean I don't care about her. We then seemed to reconnect. She then asked me if she could officiate our ceremony; that it would mean everything to her. 

Now. Knowing she has flaked on several important things, and is/was not ordained, I asked if we could sit and talk about it more, and mentioned that FI and I would need to decide on someone relatively soon. She was happy to. We set up a time to Skype. She flaked. Set up another time, no problem, stuff happens. She flaked on that too. FI and I continued to meet with other officiants, and FI had us book someone. He was uncomfortable having a friend do it in the first place, and definitely expressed concerns after she flaked twice. 

Fast forward a couple months, friend tells me she'd be in town for a week. Sets up a time with me. I drive the two hours to hometown on a weekday after work, and I get stood up, again. She sent me a text the next morning and said she had something come up. Saw on facebook she was spending time with an ex boyfriend at that time. 

So, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to this, but do I invite her? I suppose I'm more worried that her feelings will get hurt if I don't. I would love to have her there, but honestly? I have a feeling she wouldn't show, even if her feelings would have gotten hurt if she hadn't been invited. She is now out of state, and other than liking things on facebook, we haven't talked. I never told her specifically she would be invited, but I think agreeing to talk with her about officiating would put that out there. As has been said here before, no one will change their behavior just because you're getting married. I'd want her to be there, but I'm worried I'm just beating a dead horse. I certainly have the ability/room/funds to invite her so that's not a concern at all, and an invitation is not a summons, but would it be better to just let it all fizzle out?

Re: Friend Question!

  • cupcait927cupcait927 Western NY wine country member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just invite her, knowing that she probably won't come. You had discussed with her the possibility of officiating your wedding, so I'm sure she expects at least an invitation. 
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    short+sassySTARMOON44SP29CMGragain
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm with PP's. Invite her with no expectation of her actually attending.

    charlotte989875short+sassycowgirl8238
  • So, I'm kind of torn here. 

    I have a friend (well, at this point, it's an acquaintance) that I was close with growing up and since graduating from college, we drifted apart. Not really any bad blood, we were the best of friends, but I was putting a lot of effort into sustaining our friendship, and I kind of just let things drift off at a certain point. 

    I have not seen her or exchanged more than a couple "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Birthday" texts since October 2013.
    Well...I should say I've tried. I've reached out when she's in town, given her the occasional call, text, facebook message, and rarely do I get anything in return. This has not been new behavior. I've simply just accepted this is the way she is. No hard feelings. We are adults, life moves forward. So you can imagine that I was pretty surprised at later events...

    She went OFF on me when she found out I had not asked her to be a bridesmaid. Out of nowhere. Called me and told me how angry she was at me and how hurt she was, especially that I had asked friend X from high school (who I still talked to every day at that point) and not her, and went on to say how she was happier for me than any of my other friends could possibly be (she's never even met FI, despite me trying in the past to introduce them). I explained that I felt we had drifted apart due to the fact that she had not answered any texts or phone calls, nor showed up to any prearranged friend dates in 3 years, and just because I didn't ask her doesn't mean I don't care about her. We then seemed to reconnect. She then asked me if she could officiate our ceremony; that it would mean everything to her. 

    Now. Knowing she has flaked on several important things, and is/was not ordained, I asked if we could sit and talk about it more, and mentioned that FI and I would need to decide on someone relatively soon. She was happy to. We set up a time to Skype. She flaked. Set up another time, no problem, stuff happens. She flaked on that too. FI and I continued to meet with other officiants, and FI had us book someone. He was uncomfortable having a friend do it in the first place, and definitely expressed concerns after she flaked twice. 

    Fast forward a couple months, friend tells me she'd be in town for a week. Sets up a time with me. I drive the two hours to hometown on a weekday after work, and I get stood up, again. She sent me a text the next morning and said she had something come up. Saw on facebook she was spending time with an ex boyfriend at that time. 

    So, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to this, but do I invite her? I suppose I'm more worried that her feelings will get hurt if I don't. I would love to have her there, but honestly? I have a feeling she wouldn't show, even if her feelings would have gotten hurt if she hadn't been invited. She is now out of state, and other than liking things on facebook, we haven't talked. I never told her specifically she would be invited, but I think agreeing to talk with her about officiating would put that out there. As has been said here before, no one will change their behavior just because you're getting married. I'd want her to be there, but I'm worried I'm just beating a dead horse. I certainly have the ability/room/funds to invite her so that's not a concern at all, and an invitation is not a summons, but would it be better to just let it all fizzle out?
    Do you want to continue what little is left of this friendship? If yes then invite her. She may or may not show. If you're done with her (and really who could blame you if you are), then don't. You've been discussing the wedding with her and even though she's bailed, by not extending her an invite at this point would be akin to uninviting her in my opinion. 
  • Thanks guys. That was along the lines I was thinking. I've had a few things happen more recently to make me examine myself (I'm a walking doormat), and I wasn't sure if it would perpetuate that, though I thought etiquette-wise, the invite was right to send even though I'm no longer invested in the friendship.
  • I agree with PPs. Definitely invite her. She won't show anyway. But if she starts making drama about anything else wedding-related, I wouldn't entertain the drama. Just say you're sorry that she feels that way. After the wedding, I'd give up on efforts to revive this friendship unless she shows she is making an effort too. 
    short+sassySP29charlotte989875cowgirl8238
  • kahluakoalakahluakoala member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2017
    Edit: I didn't read the whole post and made an off topic comment. NBD
  • Depends on what you want to do with the friendship.

    You've said you'd love to have her there, but in another comment you say you are no longer invested in the friendship. Which is it?

    If you want her there, and particularly since you've discussed the officiant role, I would invite her. Then stop worrying about if she's going to show up or not. She will or she won't, there's no way to predict.
  • I'd probably call her out.   Not only would I not invite her, I'd tell her that you deserve more from someone who is supposed to be so close.  
  • As others have said, invite her, but don't expect her to show and definitely do not give her a role in your ceremony/day. She has proven multiple times that she is not committed to the responsibility and you don't need that stress of wondering if she'll actually pull through. It's your day, not hers.
  • I will definitely be sending her out an invite. I agree that it's the right thing to do regardless of the situation. Since we haven't spoken since the last time she flaked on me (over 6 months ago), I didn't know if that would/should change things. Some people had told me don't bother with the invite, and I get that she's been a lack-luster friend, but it just kinda left me feeling icky, since for all intents and purposes, I basically verbally invited her. Thanks everyone. 
    SP29
  • I will definitely be sending her out an invite. I agree that it's the right thing to do regardless of the situation. Since we haven't spoken since the last time she flaked on me (over 6 months ago), I didn't know if that would/should change things. Some people had told me don't bother with the invite, and I get that she's been a lack-luster friend, but it just kinda left me feeling icky, since for all intents and purposes, I basically verbally invited her. Thanks everyone. 
    Whether or not I'd invite her depends on whether or not you prefer to keep up the friendship.
    SP29
  • ^ And, if you don't want to keep it up, how you prefer the friendship to end.
    If you send the invitation she'll either come or not but the friendship will fizzle out eventually. No drama, no "bad guy".
    If you don't send the invitation (ie uninvite her), she could get offended and you will have been the one to make the friendship-ending move.

    mandypants90
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    ^ And, if you don't want to keep it up, how you prefer the friendship to end.
    If you send the invitation she'll either come or not but the friendship will fizzle out eventually. No drama, no "bad guy".
    If you don't send the invitation (ie uninvite her), she could get offended and you will have been the one to make the friendship-ending move.
    Given how badly she's treated the OP, I have to disagree with the bolded assessment. The friendship is already dead whether the OP sends her an invitation or not, and the "friend" killed it through her ongoing rudeness.

    That said, I advise sending her an invitation only because the OP already indicated that she would be invited - not to try to save the "friendship."
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:
    ^ And, if you don't want to keep it up, how you prefer the friendship to end.
    If you send the invitation she'll either come or not but the friendship will fizzle out eventually. No drama, no "bad guy".
    If you don't send the invitation (ie uninvite her), she could get offended and you will have been the one to make the friendship-ending move.
    Given how badly she's treated the OP, I have to disagree with the bolded assessment. The friendship is already dead whether the OP sends her an invitation or not, and the "friend" killed it through her ongoing rudeness.

    That said, I advise sending her an invitation only because the OP already indicated that she would be invited - not to try to save the "friendship."
    Oh yes I misspoke. I meant that if the "friend" got offended then OP would be perceived as the bad guy. (eg, "Uninviting me to your wedding is a bigger deal than me flaking out on a couple of get-togethers!")

    I completely agree with you and @banana468 that her thoughtless behaviour is what's already tarnished the friendship and you'd be perfectly justified in explicitly ending things. I'm just more the type to figure, enh she probably won't show up anyway so I'm not gonna make a "thing" out of it.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2017
    Jen4948 said:
    ^ And, if you don't want to keep it up, how you prefer the friendship to end.
    If you send the invitation she'll either come or not but the friendship will fizzle out eventually. No drama, no "bad guy".
    If you don't send the invitation (ie uninvite her), she could get offended and you will have been the one to make the friendship-ending move.
    Given how badly she's treated the OP, I have to disagree with the bolded assessment. The friendship is already dead whether the OP sends her an invitation or not, and the "friend" killed it through her ongoing rudeness.

    That said, I advise sending her an invitation only because the OP already indicated that she would be invited - not to try to save the "friendship."
    Oh yes I misspoke. I meant that if the "friend" got offended then OP would be perceived as the bad guy. (eg, "Uninviting me to your wedding is a bigger deal than me flaking out on a couple of get-togethers!")

    I completely agree with you and @banana468 that her thoughtless behaviour is what's already tarnished the friendship and you'd be perfectly justified in explicitly ending things. I'm just more the type to figure, enh she probably won't show up anyway so I'm not gonna make a "thing" out of it.
    I think it's one thing to flake on a casual get-together, but I would not shrug and not "make a thing" out of a perpetual flake no-showing at my wedding. 

    When the flake no-shows, I would explicitly tell her, "Hey, I spent X amount of time and money arranging for you to be there and you weren't. And because this time was a special occasion, I can't look the other way at your no-showing. It was a clear indication that you don't consider me a close enough friend to actually take the time to honor the invitation after you accepted it. For that reason, whatever exists between us now can no longer be deemed friendship. This is my notice to you that I'm letting go of it -- and you."

    No-showing at the wedding of some friends of mine cost a guy who had been their friend my friends' goodwill. They now go out of their way to avoid him -- including not attending any events where they know he'll be. This has forced my ex-BF (he and I are still friends) to issue them invitations to separate get-togethers, because he wants to maintain his friendship with the guy (I don't know why, I happen to agree with our other friends that the guy is a jerk).
    mollybarker11
  • Jen4948 said:
    ^ And, if you don't want to keep it up, how you prefer the friendship to end.
    If you send the invitation she'll either come or not but the friendship will fizzle out eventually. No drama, no "bad guy".
    If you don't send the invitation (ie uninvite her), she could get offended and you will have been the one to make the friendship-ending move.
    Given how badly she's treated the OP, I have to disagree with the bolded assessment. The friendship is already dead whether the OP sends her an invitation or not, and the "friend" killed it through her ongoing rudeness.

    That said, I advise sending her an invitation only because the OP already indicated that she would be invited - not to try to save the "friendship."
    Oh yes I misspoke. I meant that if the "friend" got offended then OP would be perceived as the bad guy. (eg, "Uninviting me to your wedding is a bigger deal than me flaking out on a couple of get-togethers!")

    I completely agree with you and @banana468 that her thoughtless behaviour is what's already tarnished the friendship and you'd be perfectly justified in explicitly ending things. I'm just more the type to figure, enh she probably won't show up anyway so I'm not gonna make a "thing" out of it.
    I'm too old to spend the money on a stamp for someone who doesn't give a damn.

    I wouldn't care how things are perceived.   It's clear to this person that she's going to paint her world with her own damn brushes.   

    If someone said, "She's telling everyone that you uninvited her!" I'd shrug it off.   The older I get the more I see my friends as those who don't play drama llama. 
    PrettyGirlLostdrunkenwitchSP29cowgirl8238
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It is not necessary to "make a thing" out of everything. On the off chance a friend like this is sent an invite and does not show, it is not a big weighted offense to anyone's wedding day. This relationship is already halfway to ghosted - why create the drama yourself? Call her out if she makes a "thing," sure, but overall it's not that serious.

    Banana would bank on the ghosting and her other friends' sense, so I'm not necessarily disagreeing with that course of action. I'd probably consider it myself.

    Anniversary

    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostSTARMOON44
  • mandypants90mandypants90 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2017
    Update! 
    Friend just posted on Facebook she's bought tickets and going to an out of state music festival the weekend of my wedding. 
    She's known previously what day it is.
    Edit: I suppose I didn't finish my thought. 
    Does this change things? 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Update! 
    Friend just posted on Facebook she's bought tickets and going to an out of state music festival the weekend of my wedding. 
    She's known previously what day it is.
    Edit: I suppose I didn't finish my thought. 
    Does this change things? 
    Honestly? No. Just send her the invite and be done with it, IMO. Try not getting caught up in her drama, it's just not worth it. 
    If your original plan was to send her an invitation, then still send it. You never when/if people's plans change.
    OurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Send her the invitation.
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