RSVP'd yes...but now don't want to go

KnickerGold

DH's high school friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, about 3.5 hours from our home. This friend and his fiancee came to our home a few weeks ago and 'crashed' as they put it- telling us they were coming to town, asking for hotel suggestions then when showing up for dinner had their bags with them...

Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.

Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I  would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')

WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!

Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.

Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP? 

Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.

Thanks!

levioosa

KnickerGold said:

DH's high school friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, about 3.5 hours from our home. This friend and his fiancee came to our home a few weeks ago and 'crashed' as they put it- telling us they were coming to town, asking for hotel suggestions then when showing up for dinner had their bags with them...

Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.

Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I  would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')

WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!

Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.

Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP? 

Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.

Thanks!

I think etiquette dictates that you attend.

That being said....I would want to cancel too.  Do you guys have a bunch of mutual friends that are attending?  That might make the "wedding" worth it.  It was incredibly rude of them to show up unannounced.  Plus the list of "requested activities" just makes me roll my eyes.  

KnickerGold

No, DH hadn't seen this guy in 6+ years til 4 months ago. They were high school buddies - which was 20+ years ago for them. I won't know anyone at the wedding and DH said he may know a handful- but they're people he hasn't seen in 20 years and isn't exactly looking forward to that. Haha

MesmrEwe

Make your decision and stick to it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  You don't need to spend $500 on hotel rooms for an event 3.5 hours away, you can find more reasonable options at this point.  You could even stay sober and drive home after the PPD dinner.  If your DH wants to go, then let him go, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to go along.  Just call up and say "We sent in the RSVP and realized that with all that is finals Knicker can't make it and just wanted to let you know so your count isn't off with as much notice as possible!"..  

A simple reminder, 1) People do not like being lied to... and 2) Very rarely is a PPD well received...

KnickerGold

Never planned on lying! 
just wanted to know *how* horrible it would be to switch my rsvp

CMGragain

I would mail them a card of congratulations, and include a note that says, "We were sorry to miss your wedding.  Best wishes for your future together.  We will be thinking about you on your day of celebration, but we can't attend."
It is the truth, isn't it?  Don't make excuses.
They changed the rules when they announced that they were already married.  You can now decline, respectfully.

ILoveBeachMusic

KnickerGold said:

Never planned on lying! 
just wanted to know *how* horrible it would be to switch my rsvp

I think she was referring to the couple lying about already being married, not that you were lying.

missfrodo

Personally, I wouldn't mind going against etiquette in this situation.  I agree with CMGragain that they provided new information that changes things: You signed up to attend a wedding, and now that you know it's only a celebration, or PPD, you have decided it's not worth it.  You are not going to be the only person who finds this new information, and their lying to you, disturbing.  That's why the boards advise against PPDs and lying to your guests--people get upset!  Where you haven't passed the RSVP deadline, I'd have DH call them up (since it's his friend) and tell them he'll be attending alone, or the both of you won't be able to make it, whatever he decides, then send them a card congratulating them on their marriage.  Adults lying about something as big as marriage rubs me the wrong way.  Since it sounds like H doesn't even have a real relationship with this guy anymore, I would have no trouble changing my RSVP to "no," even if it meant being unfriended by him.  Not much of a friend at this point, anyway.

ei34

It's not rude to change your rsvp before the deadline.  (For any reason.)  

LondonLisa

If it is before the deadline say 'I am so sorry, something came up and we will be unable to make it. We hope you have a fabulous day!' 

They don't need to know that the thing that came up was their giant lie!

MobKaz

CMGragain said:

I would mail them a card of congratulations, and include a note that says, "We were sorry to miss your wedding.  Best wishes for your future together.  We will be thinking about you on your day of celebration, but we can't attend."
It is the truth, isn't it?  Don't make excuses.
They changed the rules when they announced that they were already married.  You can now decline, respectfully.

Agree completely that I would not attend.  With three weeks out, however, I would communicate my change of heart quicker to make sure the couple isn't out any costs.  I would follow my call up with a card of congratulations.

mollybarker11

You RSVP'd yes to a wedding. Their ~super special surprise~ changed the type of event, so I think you're in the clear to change your RSVP.

I personally wouldn't bother calling. I second the advice to send a combo congrats/decline note in the mail.

downtondiva

Considering that you were a bit reluctant to attend this wedding anyway, I think it's perfectly fine to change your plans now that you know what the "wedding" really is. If it was already not so great a time for you to go to a real wedding, now it's a really bad time for you to go to a fake one!

Let them know as soon as possible that you are no longer able to attend. You do not have to give any reason.

[Deleted User]

Not too late to cancel, but do is ASAP. If your husband doesn't want to go, then just call the couple and say that you are sorry but as it's getting closer to the end of the semester you are getting more concerned about your finals which fall the week after their wedding & then mail them their card/gift. If husband really wants to go, then go with original plan. You have to do what's right for you and your husband and as long as you are on the same page on how you want to deal with things, that's all that matters.

cowgirl8238

I would call (or have your DH call) and tell them that "something came up and you (either you or both of you) will no longer be able to attend."  No need to provide any further reasoning.  Then you can send them a congratulatory card* in the mail and be done.

*The snarky side of me would write "Congrats on your wedding back in MONTH, hope you have a great party!"  The super snarky side of me would call it a "fake wedding" but I don't really recommend either.

banana468

I waffle here.

Depending on how I feel I think you can get away with it but I think you need to keep your opinions on the decline to yourself.

If you're ready to let go of this friendship then blab away.

If you want to nurture the friendship then suck it up and go. 

ahoywedding

I like CMG's suggestion as well, but do it ASAP if you're going to change your mind. I think any changes prior to the RSVP deadline are acceptable. Just say something came up and you won't be able to make it. Or if your husband is up to it, let him go and drive home immediately after, and you can stay home and study. No need to go into detail with them as to why you're changing your mind.

SP29

Personally, I think if the event of the invitation has changed significantly (i.e. the hosts lied about it!) you are free to change your RSVP accordingly.

I would definitely do it ASAP- no need to be passive aggressive. Up to you how honest you want to be. You can tell them sorry something came up, or go with what CMG said, "Congratulations on your marriage! Unfortunately we are unable to attend your celebration party".

IRL, if I was invited to a "wedding" but the couple was honest that they were already married, if I were really close to the couple (if I wasn't, I'd simply decline), I would probably still go. I'd side eye the heck out of the ceremony re-enactment, and wonder why they were doing it (because I don't get the point of getting married then spending all that money anyway to not get married again when they could've just done it all at once), but I'd know what I was witnessing. But a lie- that is just insulting. You're right, it's your time and money that only you have the authority to spend, and you should darn well know what you are choosing to spend your money and time on.

southernbelle0915

I'm on Team OK To Change. 

You thought you were RSVPing to a wedding, but now you know it's not a wedding at all. I would say, "We are so sorry, we thought we could make it but something has come up and we can't. Have fun and congratulations!" 

When you ask "*how* horrible" I think that totally depends on how long you wait to tell them and if you lie. If you tell them soon and don't straight up lie to them, I don't think it's horrible at all. 

charlotte989875

Yup I'm okay with changing; I like CMG's suggestion of sending a congratulations card and tell them you're changing the RSVP, no explanations or excuses needed. You may also want to call/text/email so that they have numbers on time, but again I wouldn't give a reason. 

climbingsingle

I would absolutely change my RSVP to no and not at all feel bad about it. 

ETA: I wouldn't include an explanation either. Just "No". 

PrettyGirlLost

levioosa said:

KnickerGold said:

DH's high school friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, about 3.5 hours from our home. This friend and his fiancee came to our home a few weeks ago and 'crashed' as they put it- telling us they were coming to town, asking for hotel suggestions then when showing up for dinner had their bags with them...

Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.

Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I  would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')

WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!

Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.

Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP? 

Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.

Thanks!

I think etiquette dictates that you attend.

That being said....I would want to cancel too.  Do you guys have a bunch of mutual friends that are attending?  That might make the "wedding" worth it.  It was incredibly rude of them to show up unannounced.  Plus the list of "requested activities" just makes me roll my eyes.  

No it doesn't.

Etiquette dictates you RSVP. . . and then contact ppl if your plans change, which can happen since unexpected things in life happen.

Such as discovering your friends are liars who take advantage of ppl.

Go ahead OP, and Nope right the fuck out of that one.  I wouldn't JADE or offer any explanations, just "Sorry, turns out we can't make it."  You could use your midterms as an excuse if really pressed.

drunkenwitch

I'm team cancel as well. You agreed to go to a wedding, not a PPD.  

KnickerGold

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

MesmrEwe

KnickerGold said:

Never planned on lying! 
just wanted to know *how* horrible it would be to switch my rsvp

I was referring to your DH's friends who told you they weren't married to your faces and within the week recanted and said "Oh BTW - we're married and having a "Wedding" that really isn't" (lying!)..  Changing your "Yes" to a "No" on an RSVP isn't lying in any way IMO because plans change and things come up in both directions (i.e. can't get off of work vs. suddenly able to get the day off)..  

MobKaz

KnickerGold said:

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

 
 
Well, now you can mention that you just hate "un-weddings" because they are so "un-truthful" and "un-necessary"!

KnickerGold

MobKaz said:

KnickerGold said:

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

 
 
Well, now you can mention that you just hate "un-weddings" because they are so "un-truthful" and "un-necessary"!

Ya, she went on about how she was so "blessed" to find an 'inclusive' venue that allows her to be herself and have the freedom to express herself any way she pleased...
 But the best part really is that her wedding was in a courthouse, aka the MOST un-unique place to do it (and if my calculations are correct- they were ALREADY MARRIED at the time!)

Heffalump

KnickerGold said:

MobKaz said:

KnickerGold said:

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

 
 
Well, now you can mention that you just hate "un-weddings" because they are so "un-truthful" and "un-necessary"!

Ya, she went on about how she was so "blessed" to find an 'inclusive' venue that allows her to be herself and have the freedom to express herself any way she pleased...
 But the best part really is that her wedding was in a courthouse, aka the MOST un-unique place to do it (and if my calculations are correct- they were ALREADY MARRIED at the time!)

I hope she's enjoying her freedom...to be a complete and utter jackass.

levioosa

PrettyGirlLost said:

levioosa said:

KnickerGold said:

DH's high school friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, about 3.5 hours from our home. This friend and his fiancee came to our home a few weeks ago and 'crashed' as they put it- telling us they were coming to town, asking for hotel suggestions then when showing up for dinner had their bags with them...

Anyway, oddly enough, the guy was wearing a wedding band. He said, when DH asked that he was 'practicing'. He also mentioned it two to three more times while they were in town- odd, but whatever.

Their wedding happens to be the weekend before my finals week, so I was hesitant about going, but agreed with DH that I  would go, as long as I was allowed to skip the rehearsal dinner and 'day of' activities (going to ceremony and reception, but there are activities all day that we are 'requested to join')

WE got their invite last week, and I promptly filled it out and returned it, knowing how hard it was to get rsvp's back for my own wedding!

Well, today, a week after I sent in my RSVP- they made an announcement on FB that they're *surprise* already married! Have been for about 6 months, they just decided it would be fun to surprise everyone AT the wedding but *couldn't wait* But not to worry, they're still having their "wedding" ceremony and reception.

Look, I know it's horribly rude to say Yes, and then say No, but we're still 3 weeks out from the cutoff and I really would prefer to stay home if I'm not *actually* going to a wedding. Plus, the whole crashing at our house/lying to us about being married thing is kinda annoying. Plus saving $500 in hotels, $100 on clothes and $100 in gas would be super! Horribly rude of me to change my RSVP? 

Because y'all will ask- DH considers him a 'good friend' but I had never met him/barely heard of him the first 4 years of our relationship. So much so, that he didn't remember to put him on the invite list until someone else asked if he was coming... So we're not exactly 'close' with them.

Thanks!

I think etiquette dictates that you attend.

That being said....I would want to cancel too.  Do you guys have a bunch of mutual friends that are attending?  That might make the "wedding" worth it.  It was incredibly rude of them to show up unannounced.  Plus the list of "requested activities" just makes me roll my eyes.  

No it doesn't.

Etiquette dictates you RSVP. . . and then contact ppl if your plans change, which can happen since unexpected things in life happen.

Such as discovering your friends are liars who take advantage of ppl.

Go ahead OP, and Nope right the fuck out of that one.  I wouldn't JADE or offer any explanations, just "Sorry, turns out we can't make it."  You could use your midterms as an excuse if really pressed.

My mistake. I wasn't sure on this one and shouldn't have offered advice without being certain. 

I didnt attend tend the "wedding" of a close friend because she had already been married for a year and it was just a PPD. No thank you to spending money on flights, hotels, and then celebrating outdoors in 90 degree weather with 85% humidity. 

MobKaz

KnickerGold said:

MobKaz said:

KnickerGold said:

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

 
 
Well, now you can mention that you just hate "un-weddings" because they are so "un-truthful" and "un-necessary"!

Ya, she went on about how she was so "blessed" to find an 'inclusive' venue that allows her to be herself and have the freedom to express herself any way she pleased...
 But the best part really is that her wedding was in a courthouse, aka the MOST un-unique place to do it (and if my calculations are correct- they were ALREADY MARRIED at the time!)

That's awesome.  Now you can relay to her that her truth has set you free and you are blessed to be able to express yourself with a new and improved RSVP.

PrettyGirlLost

KnickerGold said:

Ok! Thanks all! 
Wont be passive aggressive or anything (stooping to their level- did I mention that bride/wife posted something on FB the morning after my wedding about how she 'just hates' traditional weddings and how un-unique a church wedding is?) just say finals have impacted my ability to attend!

Woooooow.  What a shit.