Dealing with mom?

jamoore3

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?

charlotte989875

jamoore3 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?

I sympathize with having a Mom with very different ideas about the wedding plans; I forget, is she paying? If so she does get a say in the guest list so if you have room you might want to consider making some room. 

If shes not paying and you're not interested in expanding the guest list when you hear her say rude things calmly, politely say that your guest list is closed and she's free to have a party whenever she wants, but it will not be to celebrate your wedding. Tell her clearly there will not be anything wedding related, that you will not participate if it's a "wedding BBQ" and stand by that. Tell her you feel like it is rude to guests to exclude them from the actual wedding them celebrate later and you don't want to do that. Just be clear about how this party is making you feel and set boundaries. If she insists, you have to decide if you would go given that she is not respecting your wishes and then stick by that decision. 

jamoore3

No she is not paying, she is very unaware of wedding etiquette in general, for example, she tried to invite a bunch of people to my bridal shower that are not invited to the wedding and when I told her no she tried to guilt trip me saying how these were women who had known me my entire life and they wanted to show support and celebrate.

flantastic

jamoore3 said:

No she is not paying, she is very unaware of wedding etiquette in general, for example, she tried to invite a bunch of people to my bridal shower that are not invited to the wedding and when I told her no she tried to guilt trip me saying how these were women who had known me my entire life and they wanted to show support and celebrate.

My MIL tried this.

Basically, you say that you won't go if she bills it as a wedding thing, since as you've said, it seems like a consolation prize and you don't want your family to feel like second tier guests. The newlyweds being absent will make it look like a pretty weird wedding thing, so hopefully that'll be enough to have her back down.

Jen4948

I agree with PPs that you need to put your foot down with your mother and tell her that her bbq can't be connected to your wedding. And if she tries guilt-tripping you again, tell her that you're sorry, but your decision about your wedding stands and unfortunately, not everyone can celebrate with you.

LondonLisa

I agree. Make it clear now that the family BBQ she is hosting has nothing to do with your wedding. And unfortunately you will be unable to attend.

CMGragain

jamoore3 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?

Really, as long as the barbecue is a month AFTER your wedding, there is nothing wrong with your Mom's plans.  It is perfectly OK to have a party to celebrate a marriage, and if it is held after the wedding, it is not a part of it.  Mom is the hostess, and she provides all the food and drink.  No potluck.  You and your new husband will be the guests of honor at your mother's party.  You can show off your wedding photos and honeymoon pics.  Just don't put on your wedding dress!  (Not that you would!)  Of course, gifts are not expected.  (Remind Mom of this!)
Now if Mom was planning this party BEFORE your wedding, THAT would be an etiquette issue!
Tell Mom thanks for the party idea, and volunteer to help her with the invitations (so that she doesn't word them wrong).  Let her have her fun.

Mrs. Fred Fintstone
invites you to a barbecue luncheon
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Pebbles Flinstone and BamBam Rubble
Date, time
123 Maple Street
Anytown, Iowa

R.s.v.p. Mom's telephone number

You could even help her order them cheaply at Vistaprint.com to make them special.  (Ooo, custom printed, Mom!)

ILoveBeachMusic

CMGragain said:

jamoore3 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?

Really, as long as the barbecue is a month AFTER your wedding, there is nothing wrong with your Mom's plans.  It is perfectly OK to have a party to celebrate a marriage, and if it is held after the wedding, it is not a part of it.  Mom is the hostess, and she provides all the food and drink.  No potluck.  You and your new husband will be the guests of honor at your mother's party.  You can show off your wedding photos and honeymoon pics.  Just don't put on your wedding dress!  (Not that you would!)  Of course, gifts are not expected.  (Remind Mom of this!)
Now if Mom was planning this party BEFORE your wedding, THAT would be an etiquette issue!
Tell Mom thanks for the party idea, and volunteer to help her with the invitations (so that she doesn't word them wrong).  Let her have her fun.

Mrs. Fred Fintstone
invites you to a barbecue luncheon
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Pebbles Flinstone and BamBam Rubble
Date, time
123 Maple Street
Anytown, Iowa

R.s.v.p. Mom's telephone number

You could even help her order them cheaply at Vistaprint.com to make them special.  (Ooo, custom printed, Mom!)

I've seen this advice given many times here on the Knot. It is a "meet the newlyweds" type party. I personally think that it is kind of weird to have but to each his own - of course it depends on individual circumstances.

LondonLisa

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

jamoore3 said:

My fiancé and I are getting married in a couple months and from the very beginning of planning we knew we wanted a small wedding. With about fifty people invited it is exactly what we wanted, but we certainly had to narrow down the list. For my side that really meant only inviting the couple aunts and uncles I am close to. I was fine with this from the start, but my mother has been very vocal in saying rude it is not to invite them and how hurt they will be, ect. Lately her thing has been to tell all of the not invited family members to not worry about the wedding because she is planning a big BBQ get together the month after the wedding to "really celebrate properly with everyone". How do I politely say that we are not okay with that? I don't care if she wants to have a BBQ and invite the whole family, but I do not want her saying it has anything to do with our wedding, like the BBQ is some kind of consolation prize for not being invited to the wedding. She won't let it go and has probably told twenty or so people about her plans so far. How do I handle this?

Really, as long as the barbecue is a month AFTER your wedding, there is nothing wrong with your Mom's plans.  It is perfectly OK to have a party to celebrate a marriage, and if it is held after the wedding, it is not a part of it.  Mom is the hostess, and she provides all the food and drink.  No potluck.  You and your new husband will be the guests of honor at your mother's party.  You can show off your wedding photos and honeymoon pics.  Just don't put on your wedding dress!  (Not that you would!)  Of course, gifts are not expected.  (Remind Mom of this!)
Now if Mom was planning this party BEFORE your wedding, THAT would be an etiquette issue!
Tell Mom thanks for the party idea, and volunteer to help her with the invitations (so that she doesn't word them wrong).  Let her have her fun.

Mrs. Fred Fintstone
invites you to a barbecue luncheon
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Pebbles Flinstone and BamBam Rubble
Date, time
123 Maple Street
Anytown, Iowa

R.s.v.p. Mom's telephone number

You could even help her order them cheaply at Vistaprint.com to make them special.  (Ooo, custom printed, Mom!)

I've seen this advice given many times here on the Knot. It is a "meet the newlyweds" type party. I personally think that it is kind of weird to have but to each his own - of course it depends on individual circumstances.

Personally, I think this only really works if the wedding was super small (like immediate family only). 

charlotte989875

jamoore3 said:

No she is not paying, she is very unaware of wedding etiquette in general, for example, she tried to invite a bunch of people to my bridal shower that are not invited to the wedding and when I told her no she tried to guilt trip me saying how these were women who had known me my entire life and they wanted to show support and celebrate.

That sucks. I would just try and be clear about why you don't want the party and how it makes you feel and likely to make your guests feel. If she tries to guilt you in to something you're not comfortable with, tell her you won't engage in that kind of conversation and the discussion is closed. I know this is easier said than done, but setting boundaries with her will help. 

SP29

Your Mom is free to throw a party anytime she wants. And it is OK to have a "Meet the Newlyweds" party, but this is not a wedding re-do or reception. But at the end of the day OP, you and your FH need to be comfortable with it, and if you are not, you can tell your Mom you will not attend.

I definitely think she's going about it all wrong right now. She can send invitations for this later party, but telling guests now, "Don't worry, I throw another party so you all can be invited" isn't appropriate- it's pointing out who ISN'T invited to your wedding. And you are doing nothing wrong with your guest list.

I would stop sharing wedding details with your Mom. If she brings the guest list up, tell her the guest list has been finalized and the discussion is closed. I would tell her how her current actions are making you feel, "Mom, by talking about this other party now you are pointing out who isn't invited to the wedding, and that is rude and makes me uncomfortable".

Good luck!

CMGragain

Really, these parties are traditional.  In my grandmother's day (1920), when most weddings were small, a party was often given to "introduce" the newlyweds as a couple to the community.  It was common in the south, usually thrown by the groom's family, but that wasn't a requirement.  If you were having a large wedding, I think this would be odd, but you are not doing that.
The invitations must not be mailed until after the wedding.  No wedding dress or wedding traditions.  Big party - no problem.
I think if Mom knows that she can plan her party, she might stop pushing about your actual wedding activities.

flantastic

CMGragain said:

Really, these parties are traditional.  In my grandmother's day (1920), when most weddings were small, a party was often given to "introduce" the newlyweds as a couple to the community.  It was common in the south, usually thrown by the groom's family, but that wasn't a requirement.  If you were having a large wedding, I think this would be odd, but you are not doing that.
The invitations must not be mailed until after the wedding.  No wedding dress or wedding traditions.  Big party - no problem.
I think if Mom knows that she can plan her party, she might stop pushing about your actual wedding activities.

I guess I don't understand why a couple needs a party in order to introduce them to their own family and friends, presumably when at least one of the couple is already known to these people. Very few people would actually be "in it" to meet the bride or groom - which I think makes it nothing besides a second-tier wedding celebration. I sort of get it in the context of family friends, but extended family?

Then again, I don't get debutante balls and its type of "introduction" either. It doesn't make sense in a modern social context.

ernursej

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

Really, these parties are traditional.  In my grandmother's day (1920), when most weddings were small, a party was often given to "introduce" the newlyweds as a couple to the community.  It was common in the south, usually thrown by the groom's family, but that wasn't a requirement.  If you were having a large wedding, I think this would be odd, but you are not doing that.
The invitations must not be mailed until after the wedding.  No wedding dress or wedding traditions.  Big party - no problem.
I think if Mom knows that she can plan her party, she might stop pushing about your actual wedding activities.

I guess I don't understand why a couple needs a party in order to introduce them to their own family and friends, presumably when at least one of the couple is already known to these people. Very few people would actually be "in it" to meet the bride or groom - which I think makes it nothing besides a second-tier wedding celebration. I sort of get it in the context of family friends, but extended family?

Then again, I don't get debutante balls and its type of "introduction" either. It doesn't make sense in a modern social context.

I didn't get the idea either but it kept the peace with my MIL. I knew very few of the people she invited so it really was a meet the newlyweds. It stopped her commenting on not getting to invite her friends to the wedding. 

CMGragain

flantastic said:

CMGragain said:

Really, these parties are traditional.  In my grandmother's day (1920), when most weddings were small, a party was often given to "introduce" the newlyweds as a couple to the community.  It was common in the south, usually thrown by the groom's family, but that wasn't a requirement.  If you were having a large wedding, I think this would be odd, but you are not doing that.
The invitations must not be mailed until after the wedding.  No wedding dress or wedding traditions.  Big party - no problem.
I think if Mom knows that she can plan her party, she might stop pushing about your actual wedding activities.

I guess I don't understand why a couple needs a party in order to introduce them to their own family and friends, presumably when at least one of the couple is already known to these people. Very few people would actually be "in it" to meet the bride or groom - which I think makes it nothing besides a second-tier wedding celebration. I sort of get it in the context of family friends, but extended family?

Then again, I don't get debutante balls and its type of "introduction" either. It doesn't make sense in a modern social context.

It's (Get ready!) TRADITION!  TRADITION!  (Deedle, deedle, deedle, dum)

My daughter was a debutante.  It didn't hurt her a bit, and she met some nice people, many of whom are still her friends.  Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.

geebee908

But the tradition is rooted in proclaiming to the world that a young woman was now on the market for marriage to a man of acceptable social status. I think the point is what purpose does it serve today. If the tradition has no purpose, should we continue it just because?

charlotte989875

Even if it's tradition the OP said she wasn't in to it. She said she's fine with a BBQ, but doesn't want it to be wedding related. Just because it's acceptable (or traditional) doesn't mean she has to be okay with this type of party. 

flantastic

geebee908 said:

But the tradition is rooted in proclaiming to the world that a young woman was now on the market for marriage to a man of acceptable social status. I think the point is what purpose does it serve today. If the tradition has no purpose, should we continue it just because?

Exactly. I do not take issue with your statement that it's very traditional, @CMGragain, but it's a tradition that really doesn't serve a concrete social purpose anymore. So if OP doesn't want to do it, or thinks that in this social context it will actually be seen as a consolation prize to her family (since it won't be serving its original social purpose, which is obsolete), she shouldn't say yes.

I get it in the context of @ernursej - family friends may be quite interested in their friends' kids, without knowing the kids well or having ever met their spouse, but that's no reason they need to actually see them commit their lives to one another. So a party like this could actually serve the guest list as a true introduction. MIL's friends are definitely this sort of people. However, if the couple doesn't want the party, they still shouldn't feel pressured to do it.

But extended family? Let's put it this way - I grew up going to family events where my dad's cousins were present, but they lived 2 hours away from us. I now live 4 hours from my parents and 6 hours from them. I am not close to them, did not invite them to my wedding, and in allotting my vacation time, am going to focus on my own parents and siblings... meaning I have to skip a lot of those family events, and I might see these people at my grandmother's funeral, but not really much else, if ever. I don't think anyone will care if they're meeting my husband for the first time at that point. If they're close enough family for them or me to care if they meet my H, they're close enough to come to the wedding. If they're not, we don't need to give them a second tier party specifically related to our status as newlyweds.

CMGragain

geebee908 said:

But the tradition is rooted in proclaiming to the world that a young woman was now on the market for marriage to a man of acceptable social status. I think the point is what purpose does it serve today. If the tradition has no purpose, should we continue it just because?

This may have been true 100 years ago, but it has nothing to do with today's debutantes.  Today, it is an opportunity for young ladies to meet other people and to make new friends.  It has nothing to do with marriage.  It is also an opportunity to meet older people who might ask you to help with charity work.  You make social connections.  She is still friends with some of the girls, and she probably wouldn't have met them without the events.

I was surprised when two of my friends asked me if she would be interested.  Daughter went to public school, and we were not socially active.  She had helped in several areas, including political campaigns.  Maybe that was it.  I don't know.

Funny story - one of the balls conflicted with a party she wanted to attend with her school friends.  Her brother was her escort, and he wanted to go to the party, too.  We left the ball as soon as possible, and I dropped them off in the park at the party.  Daughter was wearing her white gown, and son was in his tuxedo.  They created a sensation.  Son walked around pretending to be James Bond.  Daughter was surrounded by admirers, one who knelt at the feet of the "princess".  They dated for several months after that!

Many of our wedding traditions are rooted in the idea that the woman is the father's property, and is being passed over to her husband.  That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the FOB escorting his daughter down the aisle and placing her hand is her FI's hand.  I think it is rather sweet.  Don't get too wrapped up in symbolism.

MairePoppy

Tradition aside, if the invited aunts and uncles are siblings to the aunts and uncles who aren't invited to the wedding, the meet the newlyweds party has potential for hurt feelings. This defeats the purpose of the MOB's party.

charlotte989875

CMGragain said:

geebee908 said:

But the tradition is rooted in proclaiming to the world that a young woman was now on the market for marriage to a man of acceptable social status. I think the point is what purpose does it serve today. If the tradition has no purpose, should we continue it just because?

Many of our wedding traditions are rooted in the idea that the woman is the father's property, and is being passed over to her husband.  That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with the FOB escorting his daughter down the aisle and placing her hand is her FI's hand.  I think it is rather sweet.  Don't get too wrapped up in symbolism.

But it also doesn't mean people have to do them if they don't want to. 

CMGragain

charlotte989875 said:

But it also doesn't mean people have to do them if they don't want to. 

Living in a time where we have choices is great!

Holy smokes, Knot!  I had to log in 8 times just to like the last comment!

MairePoppy

CMGragain said:

Holy smokes, Knot!  I had to log in 8 times just to like the last comment!

I have found that if I just travel to another board, such as Chit Chat or I & P, I am automatically logged back in. No need to sign in again. Weird.

SP29

MairePoppy said:

CMGragain said:

Holy smokes, Knot!  I had to log in 8 times just to like the last comment!

I have found that if I just travel to another board, such as Chit Chat or I & P, I am automatically logged back in. No need to sign in again. Weird.

Same. Even the same forum. I go back up to the top and click on the board again ("Moms and Maids"). Sometimes I have to do it several times, but it eventually logs me back in- I don't have to manually log in each time.

lovesclimbing

So I'm on mobile and if I just refresh the page, it logs me back in. I have had this work on my lap top once. I typically only knot on my phone.