Wedding Woes

She's just not that into you (and your kid)?

Dear Prudence,
I am a gay single mom with a 10-year-old son. I’m also in a great relationship with “Zoe,” who I’ve been seeing for the last two years. We click on every level, she gets along great with my son, and she says she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. The problem is the ill-tempered hellbeast she calls a cat. She loves it to bits, and it barely tolerates her. It attacks everyone else (I have to wear thick boots and jeans when I come over if I don’t want to bleed). My son is seriously allergic to both cats and dogs, and carries an Epi-Pen. I have to shower and wash my clothes when I come back from Zoe’s before I can see my son.

The cat is old and on its last legs; Zoe said that once it died she would move in with us. Except she just took in two rescue kittens without telling me (I found out from her announcement on Facebook). She said I was cold and unfeeling for objecting, and I told her she wanted to be a mother to these cats more than to my son. I feel misled. If I knew she was always going to get more cats, I would not have introduced her to my child. Now I am two years into a relationship with someone my son and I both love, but prefers cats to a life with us. After our fight, Zoe is just carrying on as usual. She came to my son’s ballgame and my parents’ barbeque. She hasn’t brought it up and I am afraid to. What should I do? Make a quick end of it and break my son’s heart and mine? Keep this holding pattern? Zoe is the one who brought up moving in and getting married, the one who told me to wait until her cat died and then we could be together as a real family. Then she gets a pair of kittens and I am Cruella for objecting.

—Cat or Kid?

Re: She's just not that into you (and your kid)?

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I think LW got her answer about how GF wants the relationship to progress when she got the new cats.  She should end the relationship and move on before getting her child more involved with someone who isn't interested in taking his allergies into consideration when making a 15-20 year commitment to an animal.

    mrsconn23sparklepants41SP29short+sassy
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeah, getting the 2 new cats sounds like "Zoe" broke the deal/ any future promises made.

    Time for an in-depth discussion.
    DrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
  • Zoe clearly wants out of this relationship but is too much of a wussy to do it herself so she's pulling that passive aggressive bullshit and hoping the LW will dump her so she can be the victim. 

    cupcait927OurWildKingdomshort+sassycowgirl8238
  • I think Zoe did a big disservice to everyone involved when making a promise she  couldn't keep involving cats.  She clearly loves  cats, and should have been clear from the start that she will always have cats.  It's best to admit from the get-go that she needs a pet, and whether or not the relationship can go on with her having one.
    Question for the people allergic to cats - my sister is allergic but got her current cats as kittens and is not allergic to them now.  Is there a possibility Zoe was hoping for this and never articulated it?  That would make things slightly better, but she still shouldn't have lied about never getting another cat.

  • kerbohl said:
    I think Zoe did a big disservice to everyone involved when making a promise she  couldn't keep involving cats.  She clearly loves  cats, and should have been clear from the start that she will always have cats.  It's best to admit from the get-go that she needs a pet, and whether or not the relationship can go on with her having one.
    Question for the people allergic to cats - my sister is allergic but got her current cats as kittens and is not allergic to them now.  Is there a possibility Zoe was hoping for this and never articulated it?  That would make things slightly better, but she still shouldn't have lied about never getting another cat.
    My H is also allergic; when we first started dating he had a horrible time with my cat. Even if I'd vacuum, keep her out of the bedroom, and he took meds he would still have a reaction. It has lessened significantly over time as he has built a tolerance to her, so it's possible. But his reaction wasn't nearly as bad, and definitely didn't need an epipen. 
  • kerbohl said:
    I think Zoe did a big disservice to everyone involved when making a promise she  couldn't keep involving cats.  She clearly loves  cats, and should have been clear from the start that she will always have cats.  It's best to admit from the get-go that she needs a pet, and whether or not the relationship can go on with her having one.
    Question for the people allergic to cats - my sister is allergic but got her current cats as kittens and is not allergic to them now.  Is there a possibility Zoe was hoping for this and never articulated it?  That would make things slightly better, but she still shouldn't have lied about never getting another cat.
    My H is also allergic; when we first started dating he had a horrible time with my cat. Even if I'd vacuum, keep her out of the bedroom, and he took meds he would still have a reaction. It has lessened significantly over time as he has built a tolerance to her, so it's possible. But his reaction wasn't nearly as bad, and definitely didn't need an epipen. 


    I had a mild allergy to cats as a child.  My H wanted to get a cat...and I kinda did too...so we adopted one from the pound with the caveat that I might be resigned to rarely petting her or having to give her back if my allergies got worse.

    I had my mild allergies for two weeks and then they magically just went away.  No allergy pills or anything like that.  But other people's mileage may vary, lol.

    I can totally understand the LW's g/f not wanting to give up on a cat she'd already had.  But adopting two kittens, knowing her g/f's son was extremely allergic to animals, would definitely be a deal-breaker conversation for me.  As in, "either get rid of the kittens or we'll have to part ways".

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