Is basicly engaged a thing?

[Deleted User]

Edit: all BS aside, I know he's going to propose on my bday. He knows my answer is gonna be yes. He is out of state with his job until then. We talk about our dream wedding and plans for married life everyday. Only my grandma and my aunt know about our plans to marry right now because he asked me to wait until he's home and can go through with his plans before we tell anyone, but i'm bad at keeping secrets. But so is he because he couldn't keep the fact that he is going to propose a secret, and it would be a shame for him to not go through with his plans just because I know about it.

knottiej

I wouldn't even talk wedding plans at this point and instead just work on the relationship. Unless I'm reading this wrong, all of these discussions have been over the phone and you haven't seen him for awhile and won't for another 5 weeks? You both can say all the words in the world, but you aren't even with each other at this point. What is going to happen when you are back together and you get into the daily stuff again? Has the issue with why you left been resolved? 

Also, why is the dynamic between your family not good?

greeninspring

Wow well first you should tell your family that you're back together. Second tell him he needs to officially propose before you do any more wedding planning (I'd want him to move back before he proposed). Once he's moved back and y'all are officially engaged proceed with planning! Good luck! 

That's the order I would follow if I were in your shoes. 

kwiksilver

People probably aren't going to take your wedding planning very seriously until there is an actual proposal (note I didn't say ring, because some people don't bother with them) and some sort of official engagement.  I definitely wouldn't spring it on your family in one step. 

KnotYetTied

I feel you. I'm in the same boat, and though I'm pretty sure the proposal will officially happen soon for me, it's a tedious wait.

It's like you feel engaged, you want to be engaged, and you've spoken through it all and have talked dates and whatnot, but you're not engaged.

I think my advice would be to do the opposite of what I did. I could say I just couldn't help myself, but the truth is that I haven't handled it maturely. Don't tell anyone about your "basically engaged" state. Tell your parents you're back with him, yes, but don't mention marriage at all. Let the first mention of marriage be when you show everyone the ring or announce your engagement publicly as a couple.

charlotte989875

Knottie1469859163 said:

So my guy and I have been together for over 5 years, last Sept he asked my grandpa for my hand. Never proposed. A few weeks ago during a particularly rough patch in a new town, I threw in the towel, and flew home. Jerk move, I know, I was depressed, it was bad. Since then, we talk everyday for multiple hours and have actually worked through the isues we were having. I apologized for leaving. He forgave me. He made it clear he want to spend his life with me, and has already purchased his ticket to come home for my birthday in 5 weeks, and applied to be transfered back to seattle. I will not go back to the middle of nowhere. The last few days we have been talking about our wedding, picked a date we want to try for, know what venue we want. He never officially proposed, but there is the intent of marraige. Oh and my family is still under the impression were still broken up, and they're not too broken up about it. How do I go from "he's a Jerk I'm moving home to live on your couch" to "we're getting married" ?

Sounds like you have a lot to work through, that doesn't mean you can't/shouldn't be engaged or tell your families that you are together, but sounds like there were reasons you left and that you haven't seen each other much since then? I'm not going to judge your relationship, but those are pretty big things in any situation, so maybe take some time to work through all of that, first. But if you have worked through your issues, if you're close you your families, you should tell them you are back together. 

I don't know what "basically engaged" is. Either you're engaged, meaning you've set a wedding date, you are planning a wedding, you're preparing for a marriage, or you're not. A ring, elaborate proposal, are not necessary for being engaged. Either way, if you're actually planning a wedding, you should tell your family. 

southernbelle0915

Unless it's for the wrong reasons, in the same way that having a baby will not keep a marriage together, planning a wedding will not ensure a successful relationship.

It sounds like planning a wedding may be a welcome distraction from the recent turmoil in your relationship. With a wedding at the forefront, you can both avoid confronting your issues head on. This is a really bad habit and a slippery slope into avoidance and poor communication. Relationships that avoid the elephant in the room and have poor communication do not last. Or if they "last", both people are decidedly unhappy.

If that's not the case and you've confronted all your issues head on, good! 

A couple can decide they're going to get married without a ring (just a symbol) or a "down on one knee" (just traditional) or asking daddy/granddaddy (they don't own you). So yes, you can be engaged without the traditional fanfare. Women can also propose to men, you know. *GASP*! So if you want to get married to this person, ask him point blank so there's no more confusion.

As far as breaking it to your families "hi families, Bob and I are back together and we've decided to get married." You don't owe people an explanation or your life story. No one has a say in your relationships except you and the other person in the relationship.

STARMOON44

You're not engaged. 

CMGragain

Engaged is like being pregnant - you either are, or your are not.

If he says "Will you marry me?"  and you say "Yes," then you are engaged.  If he follows this with "Let's not tell anybody," then you tell him that you have changed your mind, and you will date others who are interested in having a committed relationship.  (I learned this the hard way.)

Planning a wedding can be fantasy fun.  It isn't real until he asks you to marry him.  Does this guy maybe have an issue with commitment?

flantastic

Being engaged is agreeing to be married, IMO. You guys have agreed you're getting married? I'd make that explicit, because I'm really not sure about your communication level as a couple, but planning a wedding generally implies it. You also have to be willing to tell people you've agreed to be married.

That said, I'd take PPs' points about whether planning a wedding is actually a good idea or just more of a distraction from your issues. Wait and clarify what you're doing when you see each other in person, and figure out what caused the rough patch before you jump full into wedding planning.

CMGragain

After several unsuccessful relationships, and one broken engagement (the jerk who wanted to keep it secret), I reunited with my former high school boyfriend, whom I hadn't seen in 7 years, except to tell him that I wasn't interested in getting back together again.
We were together for 4 days, and he proposed.  I was shocked, but I agreed to marry him.  (He looked better, somehow, after the losers I tried, and we knew each other so well)  He immediately telephoned our parents (who were NOT thrilled) and begin introducing me to all his friends as his fiancee!  He seemed so happy and so proud!
I had two months to plan a hurry-up wedding and to move across the country to be his wife.  We have been married 40 years.  Commitment!  He still like to tell the story about how he convinced me to marry him in 4 days!

CMGragain

flantastic said:

Being engaged is agreeing to be married, IMO. You guys have agreed you're getting married? I'd make that explicit, because I'm really not sure about your communication level as a couple, but planning a wedding generally implies it. You also have to be willing to tell people you've agreed to be married.

This!

SP29

I dunno- I think once two people are making plans to get married- setting a date and discussing venue- they are engaged. There doesn't need to be a fancy proposal. But there is not "basically engaged", you either are or are not. So if you are unclear in regards to any of it, I would hash it out ASAP.

I hope you both have worked through your issues and you take some time to plan your wedding, but other than that, none of us here know you, so if you're happy and confident in your relationship, go for it.

As for your families- I would tell them sooner than later, "Jack and I are back together. He is coming home in 5 weeks." It's up to you with how much you wish to share regarding your upcoming wedding. I know a few posters have said you (or he!) should be willing to share with people that you are engaged, and I agree I'd be leary if he's telling you everything you want to hear but not following through with the action, but some people decide to marry and elope without telling anyone until after. So that's your business.