Changed mind on kids at our wedding

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247

I have already sent out invites to everyone for our wedding in two months time. I addressed the envelopes to just the adults so it was clear kids weren't invited. My fiancé and I have been undecided for awhile on whether to invite nieces and nephews (all very young.) We ultimately chose not to but I'm now having a change of heart for various reasons. Can I ring our siblings and say we've changed our mind and nieces and nephews are now welcome? Is this rude considering we initially made clear they weren't invited? 

ernursej

I think that you've made your decision so you should stick by it.  

charlotte989875

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247 said:

I have already sent out invites to everyone for our wedding in two months time. I addressed the envelopes to just the adults so it was clear kids weren't invited. My fiancé and I have been undecided for awhile on whether to invite nieces and nephews (all very young.) We ultimately chose not to but I'm now having a change of heart for various reasons. Can I ring our siblings and say we've changed our mind and nieces and nephews are now welcome? Is this rude considering we initially made clear they weren't invited? 

I do think it might come off a little rude if you made it clear the children were invited and now you change and say they are. It also might come off as B-listing, that you waited until after invites were sent and declines came in (even though that's not what you're doing it may come off that way). Curious about why the change of heart?

AddieCake

Did you have conversations with siblings about it to make it clear, or was the only "making clear" just the invitations? I feel like if these are your brothers and sisters, and you've suddenly decided to invite their children and there were no pre-invitation battles over it, it's not the worst thing in the world to change your mind and let them know their kids are invited after all. 

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247

I haven't had any conversations with them about it. Just addressed the envelopes to the adults and they would've figured it out. Im just worried now that I'm really inconveniencing them by doing this (one sibling lives overseas for example and will leave the kids and husband home now to attend the wedding.) I am still in two minds about it to be honest (fiancé is happy to leave this decision up to me.) Pretty much every decision made with regards to this wedding I've found myself second guessing. 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247 said:

I haven't had any conversations with them about it. Just addressed the envelopes to the adults and they would've figured it out. Im just worried now that I'm really inconveniencing them by doing this (one sibling lives overseas for example and will leave the kids and husband home now to attend the wedding.) I am still in two minds about it to be honest (fiancé is happy to leave this decision up to me.) Pretty much every decision made with regards to this wedding I've found myself second guessing. 

I think if you put it like this to your siblings, they'd understand. 

I am curious however, how it took you so long to change your mind knowing how much sacrifice it would take for your overseas sister?

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247

I suppose I naievely thought she would still come with the family, her and husband would attend the wedding and leave the kids with our cousins (not invited) while the wedding took place. I don't think she is comfortable leaving the kids with anyoneother than her husband and I didn't realise.

MairePoppy

If you're going to invite the children, call your siblings asap so they can make travel arrangements. I would extend the invitation to the children.

jacques27

If you are 100% certain, then it may be awkward, but just call them up and explain their children are welcome.  If it were the other way around (you invited the children and now decided no children), then there is no possible way to do that.  But since you're being more inclusive rather than exclusive, it's not the worst thing in the world. 

SP29

I think it would be fine to call up your siblings and let them know you wish to invite your nieces and nephews.

If you are going to do this though- do it ASAP so your sister can make travel plans, should she change her mind.

charlotte989875

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247 said:

I suppose I naievely thought she would still come with the family, her and husband would attend the wedding and leave the kids with our cousins (not invited) while the wedding took place. I don't think she is comfortable leaving the kids with anyoneother than her husband and I didn't realise.

This is more for lurkers, but if you have guests with children traveling internationally, and you don't invite their children (which is absolutely your choice) it's likely one (or both) parents will decline. I know a lot of parents that would not pay to fly their children overseas for an event they were not invited to, but also would not leave their children with sitters internationally except in rare circumstances. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it makes it really hard for parents traveling overseas not to invite their children and I'm not at all surprised your sister planned to come alone rather that fly her kids overseas to stay with a babysitter (even if they are related). 

LondonLisa

If I'm honest, I think you kind of missed the boat on this. If you are at the point where people have already purchased and made arrangements for international travel, I'd be frustrated to have the bride turn around now and say kids are OK. It would seem to me like b-listing. It means that flight prices have already gone up astronomically, rearrange hotel bookings, let alone if school etc are issues. I mean, it is fine to change your mind, but if you were my sister, I would be very frustrated with you. If you have already sent out invitations, it must be very close to the date.  I would just be left thinking 'you couldn't have thought about this months ago?!'

There comes a point where you have to own your decisions. And this is what happens when you don't think decisions through. I mean, adults-only weddings are fine, but if you have a sister who lives abroad with a young child, I am just really surprised you picked this route. Its terribly inconvenient and you must have known this would have been an option. Why pay to fly a child internationally to only have them sit with a cousin they don't know very well?

southernbelle0915

Knottiee9dcdb050ae70247 said:

I haven't had any conversations with them about it. Just addressed the envelopes to the adults and they would've figured it out. Im just worried now that I'm really inconveniencing them by doing this (one sibling lives overseas for example and will leave the kids and husband home now to attend the wedding.) I am still in two minds about it to be honest (fiancé is happy to leave this decision up to me.) Pretty much every decision made with regards to this wedding I've found myself second guessing. 

It seems odd that you have a sibling with a family lives overseas and there were literally no conversations about if the kids were invited prior to invites going out.

If I were invited to my sibling's wedding in another country, I wouldn't wait until 6-8 weeks before the wedding when I got the physical invite to decide if I was going to be able to take the family on an international trip. I probably would call you up as soon as I knew the date and be like "Not sure if you've decided yet, but are the kids invited? We need to start looking at PTO/travel budget/babysitting arrangements." I'd never ask this as an "extended" guest, but if it was my sister? Yea, I wouldn't have a problem with it. 

Honestly, at this point, I think it's too late. I'd be super annoyed if I'd gotten a STD with only adult names on it, planned the trip, decided hubs and kids can't go, gotten an invite with only adult names confirming our assumption. and then got a phone call being like "just kidding, everyone can come!" Maybe they wanted to take a family trip and didn't because of your original plans. Now they're left with 6 weeks to come up with thousands of dollars and to rearrange plans. I'd say no at this point. 

banana468

Count me in with the "these are siblings and there wasn't a discussion" question marking it.

You're welcome to own your choice, but I wonder how close you are to the siblings when this didn't come up in conversation with them or your parents. 

I think you're fine owning the decision but I think you also need to own the lack of communication on this as well if you're close with them.  

short+sassy

I would normally lean more toward inviting the nieces and nephews, if everyone was local or could easily change plans to include their kids (if they wanted).  But, at this point, it would probably be expensive/impossible for the overseas sister to change her plans.  She might be annoyed they weren't invited to begin with, considering how far away they all live.  And now she would just be DOUBLY annoyed that "oh, they could have come after all".

I know your heart is in the right place!  But I think it is better to leave things as they are.

greeninspring

I would extend the invitation to the nieces and nephews. You made a mistake by not including them before and now you want to fix that. Although I'd extend the invitation, I would not expect anyone to change their plans since flights and hotels may already be booked at this point. You're trying to do the right thing, and I think it's important to admit your fault on this one before it is too late. 

Yes your sister might be extra annoyed with you. But when you and your family are looking back on this day in 15 years from now, I think that extending the invite now will help to minimize any harsh feelings in the future. 

MairePoppy

Adding travel arrangements for the husband and children will be an expensive pain and may not be possible. I think it's better to let the siblings decide for themselves if it's worth the effort to bring their spouses and children. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that knottie#s got blowback from her parents when they found out the grandchildren won't be coming for a visit. 

ernursej

greeninspring said:

I would extend the invitation to the nieces and nephews. You made a mistake by not including them before and now you want to fix that. Although I'd extend the invitation, I would not expect anyone to change their plans since flights and hotels may already be booked at this point. You're trying to do the right thing, and I think it's important to admit your fault on this one before it is too late. 

Yes your sister might be extra annoyed with you. But when you and your family are looking back on this day in 15 years from now, I think that extending the invite now will help to minimize any harsh feelings in the future. 

There is no mistake in having an adults only wedding. I think the mistake was not being comfortable with the decision and consequences before sending the invites.

Jen4948

If you've previously made clear to people that they couldn't bring their kids and they planned accordingly, I think that now saying to them "I changed my mind, you can bring the kids" won't go over well.

So I'd stand by your original "no kids" decision and own it.

greeninspring

ernursej said:

greeninspring said:

I would extend the invitation to the nieces and nephews. You made a mistake by not including them before and now you want to fix that. Although I'd extend the invitation, I would not expect anyone to change their plans since flights and hotels may already be booked at this point. You're trying to do the right thing, and I think it's important to admit your fault on this one before it is too late. 

Yes your sister might be extra annoyed with you. But when you and your family are looking back on this day in 15 years from now, I think that extending the invite now will help to minimize any harsh feelings in the future. 

There is no mistake in having an adults only wedding. I think the mistake was not being comfortable with the decision and consequences before sending the invites.

Just to clarify, I was not implying that an adults only wedding was the mistake. I agree there's nothing wrong with that. But it seems like OP believes she made a mistake now so that's what I was referring to in this particular situation. 

However, my parents had an adults only wedding. They have been married for 35 years and there are still some family members who are still bitter that their kids were not invited. I am just saying that if OP feels that she wants to invite the nieces/nephews then she needs to do it now while she still can or else live with this decision and own it for years to come. 

flantastic

"I'm so sorry, [sib] - as I've been getting closer to the wedding I've been realizing what's really important and I'm really sorry for not including the kids right off the bat. Weddings can give us blinders. I get it if it's way too much hassle to bring them now, but they're totally welcome if you'd like to bring them."

Be really conciliatory and they should hopefully understand.

MesmrEwe

flantastic said:

"I'm so sorry, [sib] - as I've been getting closer to the wedding I've been realizing what's really important and I'm really sorry for not including the kids right off the bat. Weddings can give us blinders. I get it if it's way too much hassle to bring them now, but they're totally welcome if you'd like to bring them."

Be really conciliatory and they should hopefully understand.

This...  

They're your siblings - pick up the phone and call!  Don't be squishy just say after thinking about it more you realized a bigger picture.  The ones from overseas may or may not attend, but at least they'll have been extended the invite.

ernursej

greeninspring said:

ernursej said:

greeninspring said:

I would extend the invitation to the nieces and nephews. You made a mistake by not including them before and now you want to fix that. Although I'd extend the invitation, I would not expect anyone to change their plans since flights and hotels may already be booked at this point. You're trying to do the right thing, and I think it's important to admit your fault on this one before it is too late. 

Yes your sister might be extra annoyed with you. But when you and your family are looking back on this day in 15 years from now, I think that extending the invite now will help to minimize any harsh feelings in the future. 

There is no mistake in having an adults only wedding. I think the mistake was not being comfortable with the decision and consequences before sending the invites.

Just to clarify, I was not implying that an adults only wedding was the mistake. I agree there's nothing wrong with that. But it seems like OP believes she made a mistake now so that's what I was referring to in this particular situation. 

However, my parents had an adults only wedding. They have been married for 35 years and there are still some family members who are still bitter that their kids were not invited. I am just saying that if OP feels that she wants to invite the nieces/nephews then she needs to do it now while she still can or else live with this decision and own it for years to come. 

Thanks for clarifying.

To the bolded - people need to grow up. No one is entitled to a wedding invitation and an invitation is not a summons. Don't like the terms, don't go.