Wedding Party

Pregnant not Moh anymore dilemma

Hi there , just looking for some advice.
My husband and I were asked to be best man and MOH in brother in laws wedding. Wedding is Sept 30, 2017.
We lost our baby at 5months gestation in October and we fell pregnant end of December making my due date Oct 5,2017.
Now the bride insisted on me buying my dress really early so she wouldn't have to worry about it but I was trying to hold off ordering until we got our results if the baby was going to be ok or not . (Genetics ). 
But she bugged Me enough I bought it. 
Anyway, we told them we were expecting and how I'd be having a c section in Sept  and we will do everything in our power to be at the wedding etc. We were excited and had already helped plan a lot since no.one else was helping her . They were happy and fine with it and wanted us there.
So..now..I stopped at my MIL for something unrelated amd she proceeded to tell me that they've discussed it over the weekend and the bride  my SIL is replacing me. She doesn't want to have to stress the day of the wedding if I'll be there or not and if my water breaks at her wedding etc etc etc.
My MIL agrees with her and tried to say I'd feel the same but maybe I'm different but I'd never replace someone unless they wanted to be and if they were part of everything and couldn't be there that day then whatever it's my wedding . I feel hurt that she didn't tell me and I know she's waiting till we are all not working that day to talk to me but I already know amd I feel that I've done so much for them wedding , baby shower , baptism etc that I don't want to help anymore and that she didn't care that much for having me in her wedding.  I'm not sure what to say or do. I don't feel like talking to her about tge matter now that I know and I'm stuck with a bridesmaid dress Lol.
Thanks for reading:) 
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Re: Pregnant not Moh anymore dilemma

  • Thank you !! 
    Yes I told my MIL the replacement should buy it from me.  H is mad we spent that money. But mil thinks I should wear it anyway...ya nope.
    Then she said well you should have told them earlier you were pregnant.  
    Which I replied well..seeing as we lost our last baby we were waiting till we have positive results.  It's a lost cause arguing with her.
    H isn't impressed . But good idea about maybe him saying something . 
    My best friends think maybe it's an age thing. She's 12 yrs younger than me and nothing personal against younger people but sometimes there can be in maturities. 
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    Wow. What a fucking bitch. MIL sounds like quite the peach too. 

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm with redwood on this one. Fuck them. I'd have your H talk to his brother and reiterate how damaging this is to your relationship and how you need a refund for the dress. Ugh. I'm so angry for you. What shitty people. I'm sending you good vibes for a healthy pregnancy and baby. 


    image
    ahoyweddingpammy13MobKazOliveOilsMom
  • I agree with PPs. Also, just wanted to remind you, MOH or not, you're not obligated to do anything before the wedding. Please don't try to spread yourself too thin. And please don't let them bully or manipulate you into doing anything. (Not saying you will, just a precaution. These ladies don't seem above underhanded tactics.)

    Also, etiquette does not create buffer space for age within adults. SIL is not a kid and you don't need to make excuses for her. She's extremely rude and inconsiderate.

    I salute you for being so graceful about it. :smile:
    My condolences for your miscarriage. Love and prayers for you and your family! 
    SP29pammy13
  • What a lovely way for your SIL to treat family. At this point I wouldn't talk through MIL, but deal with SIL directly. Ask her if she still wants you to be in the WP, and if she says no I would ask her to buy the dress since she insisted on you purchasing it when you did. Leave your MIL out of it.
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I''m just flabbergasted at the rudeness of your SIL. Agree with PPs that she should pay for the dress. If talking to her directly is too stressful for you, yes H should talk to them. This would forever change my relationship with my in laws if I were you.

     I'm so sorry about the loss of your first baby. Prayers that this pregnancy goes smoothly and that you have a safe delivery.
  • Quite frankly I'd be ripshit at my MIL.

    Yes, it's sad if you have to miss SIL's wedding.   But the way that she opted to treat you and be the messenger in all of this would have me absolutely raging.

    I'm not a fan of burning bridges so I'd try to let things cool down.   Depending on my relationship with my MIL I'd be rather clear in no uncertain terms that how she treated me was unacceptable.   I'd be rather tempted to call SIL laughing and wondering if MIL was just making something up.

    And if she wasn't, well then I'd know where I stood in the family.  
    SP29short+sassy
  • What everyone else said. It always boggles my mind how heartless and tunnel-visioned people can be. I'm so sorry.

    On the bright side, at least you know what you can expect of these people in the future so you don't invest much more time/energy into the relationships. 

    Personally, I would write off the cost of the dress and completely disengage. The last thing you need with a high-risk pregnancy is more drama, stress, and complications in your life. I would probably give the dress to SIL and tell her she can give it to your replacement. Then I would go do yoga, get a massage, and clear my calendar for the weekend of September 30th as I wouldn't even plan on attending that wedding. Because baby. :) 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Wow I am sorry that you are going through all this and you definitely don't need all this stress while pregnant. 

    I do just want to point out that there is a chance SIL felt that she was putting too much pressure on you since the due date and wedding are so close together. She might believe that she is doing you a favor. Of course, if this is the case, she should have spoken to you directly and let you make that final decision whether you wanted to back out or not. 

    By the way that MIL conveyed the message, it doesn't seem that that is the case but I just like to try to give people the benefit of the doubt and point out various perspectives. 

    I think you need to talk with SIL directly and find out what is going on. If she's going to have the guts to kick a pregnant woman out of her wedding, then she better have the guts to tell her to her face! I would definitely confront her directly about this because I feel like letting MIL do the dirty work is getting SIL off the hook! I'd make SIL tell me to my face! 
    SP29short+sassy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry your MIL and SIL are such rude, tacky assholes. 

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
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    Also, etiquette does not create buffer space for age within adults. SIL is not a kid and you don't need to make excuses for her. She's extremely rude and inconsiderate.


    Yes! Also, I am sorry for your loss, but your loss has nothing to do with this. It would be extraordinarily rude behavior regardless of whether this is your first pregnancy or your tenth, whether she did it because you gained weight, got a tattoo that will show, died your hair purple, were unable to attend a shower, etc. 

    greeninspring said:
    Wow I am sorry that you are going through all this and you definitely don't need all this stress while pregnant. 

    I do just want to point out that there is a chance SIL felt that she was putting too much pressure on you since the due date and wedding are so close together. She might believe that she is doing you a favor. Of course, if this is the case, she should have spoken to you directly and let you make that final decision whether you wanted to back out or not. 

    By the way that MIL conveyed the message, it doesn't seem that that is the case but I just like to try to give people the benefit of the doubt and point out various perspectives. 

    I think you need to talk with SIL directly and find out what is going on. If she's going to have the guts to kick a pregnant woman out of her wedding, then she better have the guts to tell her to her face! I would definitely confront her directly about this because I feel like letting MIL do the dirty work is getting SIL off the hook! I'd make SIL tell me to my face! 
    I disagree. While she may think she's doing the OP a favor, I do not think there is any scenario where a bride should speak directly to a bridesmaid and "let you make that final decision" on backing out. She accepted. That's saying she wants in. If she wants out, she will let the bride know. I don't see any way a bride can say, "Are you sure you're up for this? You can back out if you want" that doesn't sound like the bride wants the bridesmaid to back out or that the bride thinks the BM is lacking in some way. I agree, though, that you should either talk to SIL directly now or just ignore what MIL said and continue on as if you were in the party (except maybe don't do anymore planning for her) until SIL talks to you. 

    I can't understand the bride's logic here either. You said you're getting a c-section before the wedding. Why is she worried that you'll go into labor at the wedding? That's not how it works!

    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensSP29sparklepants41
  • Not much advice, I just wanted to agree.  Your SIL is a complete bitch. I would be hurt if I was in your shoes. 

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    CMGragain said:
    pammy13 said:
    Hi there , just looking for some advice.
    My husband and I were asked to be best man and MOH in brother in laws wedding. Wedding is Sept 30, 2017.
    We lost our baby at 5months gestation in October and we fell pregnant end of December making my due date Oct 5,2017.
    Now the bride insisted on me buying my dress really early so she wouldn't have to worry about it but I was trying to hold off ordering until we got our results if the baby was going to be ok or not . (Genetics ). 
    But she bugged Me enough I bought it. 
    Anyway, we told them we were expecting and how I'd be having a c section in Sept  and we will do everything in our power to be at the wedding etc. We were excited and had already helped plan a lot since no.one else was helping her . They were happy and fine with it and wanted us there.
    So..now..I stopped at my MIL for something unrelated amd she proceeded to tell me that they've discussed it over the weekend and the bride  my SIL is replacing me. She doesn't want to have to stress the day of the wedding if I'll be there or not and if my water breaks at her wedding etc etc etc.
    My MIL agrees with her and tried to say I'd feel the same but maybe I'm different but I'd never replace someone unless they wanted to be and if they were part of everything and couldn't be there that day then whatever it's my wedding . I feel hurt that she didn't tell me and I know she's waiting till we are all not working that day to talk to me but I already know amd I feel that I've done so much for them wedding , baby shower , baptism etc that I don't want to help anymore and that she didn't care that much for having me in her wedding.  I'm not sure what to say or do. I don't feel like talking to her about tge matter now that I know and I'm stuck with a bridesmaid dress Lol.
    Thanks for reading:) 
    Your MIL was completely out of line to tell you this.   It is not her place to communicate something like this to you.  It is not her wedding.

    I would give your FSIL the benefit of the doubt.  Call her and talk to her.   Tell her how shocked you were that your FMIL would say such a thing to you, and then leave the porcupine in her lap.  Listen to what she says.  If she turns out to be an insensitive bitch, at least you will know how to deal with her in the future.  Every family has problem people in it - some, more than others!  I would worry more about your insensitive FMIL(whom you will have to be nice with, like it, or not), than to worry about your FSIL, whom you won't have to see that often.
    Yes, do this! It'll be interesting to see what she has to say, and that way, she knows right off the bat how bad this behavior is. 

    charlotte989875SP29MesmrEweshort+sassy
  • SP29SP29
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    I agree with CMG and to contact your FSIL and get her response, then you can go from there.

    If she does indeed plan to replace you, I think you are entitled to having your money for the dress refunded. She kicked you out, she needs to cover the cost of the dress she asked you to buy.

    No you did not need to tell them earlier that you were pregnant. It's none of their damn business and it doesn't change the situation in anyway.

    I don't understand this whole, "I'll be so stressed out worrying if you can walk up the aisle or not!". The MOH walks up the aisle, holds the bouquet and often signs the marriage license. Not that hard. And if the MOH isn't there- not a big deal and no need to replace the MOH either. Someone else can hold the bouquet and sign the license.

    Sorry for your loss OP- I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
    MesmrEwe
  • Thank you for your time and thoughtful response  . It was helpful
  • I agree 100% . Thank you for taking the time to help me out I appreciate your response:)
  • Everyone  has been so helpful. Thank you for your responses and thoughtful wishes. 
    So far they haven't talked to us which names me more annoyed.  Anyway I'll keep you posted. Thanks again you girls are a great bunch:)
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    pammy13 said:
    Everyone  has been so helpful. Thank you for your responses and thoughtful wishes. 
    So far they haven't talked to us which names me more annoyed.  Anyway I'll keep you posted. Thanks again you girls are a great bunch:)
    Thanks for keeping us updated!

    Just an FYI, the "reply" button is misleading and useless on TK. It just makes a general reply instead of responding to an individual poster. If you would like to respond to an individual post, either hit the "quote" button or tag their name using the @ symbol. That way we will know who you are talking to. =) good luck with everything! 


    image
    SP29
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    No advice from me. It's pretty clear that your MIL and FSIL are awful bitches.

    I would add that I would consider your MIL's behavior when you're thinking about grandma time. I, for one, wouldn't want to let my kid spend much time with someone who would treat me this way. I'm glad your H is willing to stand up for you. No way would my H allow my MIL to say such hurtful things. You'd feel the same way and didn't tell them you were pregnant early enough? Oh Hell no!
    banana468MesmrEwe
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    edited March 2017
    I think it would be hilarious if FSIL throws FMIL under the bus and denies that she ever planned to replace you!  Do let us know what happens!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwe

  • CMGragain said:

    I think it would be hilarious if FSIL throws FMIL under the bus and denies that she ever planned to replace you!  Do let us know what happens!
    Oh I will for sure ! She texted late past night yo come over with her FH to go over wedding stuff. I told her MIL already talked to me and she said let me know what time is good and I replied I'll talk to husband first. Lol..God I'm mad and irritated lol 
    MesmrEwe
  • I have read through this thread and your updates and would first of all like to say, congratulations on your pregnancy! 

    These ladies have some really great advice and I have nothing to add other than to say then, you could totally use the "hormone excuse" to go off on your FSIL and your MIL, and no one would judge.
    ILoveBeachMusicMesmrEwe
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    Oh, man, this has me so angry for you. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you the best with this pregnancy!

    Screw them. What a couple of assholes. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Congratulations on your pregnancy!  Here's hoping to a healthy series of months ahead and rapid recovery once LO arrives in September! (people forget, especially in this country, Moms need to be taken care of too!).  

    Some people are inconsiderate jerks - worried about your water breaking during the wedding, yea, may as well stay home with your feet up that final six weeks enjoying a cupcake and the fact that you don't have to be involved with that sh**-show!  Good Lawd - with my first it broke in the middle of Walgreen's, most of the time though it's statistically more likely to be broken on purpose at the hospital while actually in the process of delivery, but if you're having a CS, that's not something you really need to focus on.  It's one thing to be pregnant and going through hormones, it's another to listen to how brain dead some people become! (like your MIL for example!)..  

    Wow!  O.k. you need an in-person talk with FSIL because the info you've got is second hand and you need to hear it from the Bride's mouth.  If it weren't family this would be considered a "Friendship ending move" if it is true.  Their tune will change once she's pregnant and she'll be God's gift to creation, just know that it'll happen so you don't get steamed by it down the road.  What the others have posted is true, this is something you need to consider for boundaries once baby is here (DO NOT tell these people the baby's name before baby arrives under ANY circumstance!).  Also, if she does remove you, consider that's one less thing you need to do is helping them in this process as originally planned.  You've got other things to plan for!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    sparklepants41
  • So this whole story is awful. And I hope we get an update soon.

    But something that confuses me...
    Why was OP even MoH to begin with?

    It doesn't sound like they are close friends (or I'd hope not considering the way the bride is treating her).

    Does bride not have sisters? Cousins? Aunts? Best friends? I'm just really surprised her fiance's brother's wife who she's not even close to was her first pick to begin with.


    The bitter part of me wonders if:

    1. This girl just doesn't have many friends to begin with because she's probably pretty toxic (also makes me wonder who she plans to replace OP with. The gardener's daughter??)

    and/or

    2. She purposely picked a MoH who was older (and possibly better off financially) and more experienced with weddings, to specifically get parties and chores out of.

    Hopefully I'm wrong...
    MesmrEweSP29
  • Ro041Ro041
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    I haven't commented on this but I have thought about it and I have a question:

    Does H still plan to be best man?  The petty bitch in me would encourage him to step down and explain that since they are so convinced that your pregnancy would affect their wedding, he should probably be free to be with you (if you have a c section, if you water breaks, all the bs things your MIL told you).  

    SP29
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