Wedding Woes

She doesn't deserve your presence or forgiveness

Dear Prudence,
When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

—Give Her Peace?

Re: She doesn't deserve your presence or forgiveness

  • The LW should do whatever is most comfortable for him/her.  It sounds like they don't want to see their grandmother.  Then they shouldn't and with no apologies.  Grandmother had plenty of opportunities to make amends with this person.  And chose not to.  So, what?  Now she has regrets?  Too little, too late.  Let her go to her grave knowing the grandchild she abandoned and never protected wants nothing to do with her.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • LW does not owe anyone, anything. If she wants to see GM knowing she has let asshole move in with her, that's LW's choice, but she should feel no shame in protecting herself and her well being by choosing not to engage, even if she is a dying woman. 
  • Death creates guilt. I think because we assume we should forgive the dying/dead that it's okay.

    It is not. This woman was not good to you, and I would personally advise not to. However, at the end of the day LW may wanna go regardless. I hope LW doesn't go alone and has a good support team behind them if decides to go.
    mrsconn23
  • levioosa said:
    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    When I was 12 years old, I testified against my biological dad for years of sexual and physical abuse. His mother, my grandmother, sided with him. Afterward I was adopted and did not speak to any of my biological relatives for 20 years. Eventually I got back into contact with my siblings, and we have developed a good relationship. They told me my grandmother “Marigold” wanted to see me, but I learned that my biological father was about to be released from jail and she was planning on letting him move in with her. I said if she took him in, I would not see her; sure enough, he moved in with her. Since then he’s been back in and out of jail. Now my grandmother is dying and apparently begging to see me.

    The adult in me feels bad for her, but the child in me wants to know why I was never protected. Why do we automatically forgive the dying? Do I have to see her? I know this sounds coldhearted, but what happened to me all those years ago was never a secret.

    —Give Her Peace?

    Nope. Absolutely not. And this always confused me too. Sometimes people are shitty assholes. I'm not going to eulogize you and pretend like you were all puppies and rainbows. You fucking sucked. I wonder if LW's siblings are aware of the situation. If they are, they're being kind of shitty too and need to support OP over an enabling grandmother. Im also curious about the whole adoption thing. She almost makes it sound like she was the only sibling adopted out? But everyone else stayed close and in contact with bio family and each other? Kind of odd. 
    It's not common, but not unheard of. I work in child welfare and occasionally see cases where one sibling is in a relative's custody and another is adopted.
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