Wedding Woes

I'd need receipts before going further.

Dear Prudence,
Recently a friend casually remarked that my boyfriend has, in her opinion, made “lots of offensive and sexist comments,” but that she’s able to get past them because she knows he’s a good guy and not a misogynist at heart. I asked her what specifically he had done, and she said, “Oh, lots of things,” and the conversation moved on. Later she sort of apologized but implied that all men are sexist. I agree that there are experiences women have that men never seem to understand, but my boyfriend is a kind person and a self-identified feminist. He’s never said anything in front of me in our three years together that struck me as offensive. Should I ask my friend for clarification? Let it go? Tell my boyfriend so he’s aware he’s coming off as sexist?

—Friend vs. Boyfriend

firestar-2

Re: I'd need receipts before going further.

  • If the only reply is "Oh lots of things" I'm going to take it with a grain of salt. If his actions weren't severe enough for you to remember even one time, it can't have been that bad.
    mrsconn23short+sassyOurWildKingdomsparklepants41
  • I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

    and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • I think LW should do a mix of things. Don't let it bother her, but should let her bf know how his comments are coming across. That way he can avoid offending anyone

    and like @short+sassy  said, friend sounds like a pot-stirrer.
    I think if the friend had given her specific examples this would be fine, but she couldn't so I wouldn't mention it to BF. Some people are offended if you breathe.
    short+sassyDrillSergeantCatmrsconn23OurWildKingdom
  • Ro041 said:
    If someone said my FI said sexist things and then said "oh lots of things" when I asked for examples, I would be a pissed off, petty individual and not let it go.  That's a pretty shitty thing to say about someone if you don't have an example ready to go.
    I agree!!  You can't throw an accusation like that out there and then not have a specific incident.

    Remove the sexism from it...What if it was, "He's mean to kids." or "He's a bad pet owner." and then they never backed it up?  That makes the accuser an asshole. 

    I'd not bring it to my partner's attention until I had a real life example.  And honestly, since this person's friend has since backed off her claim and gone this general, "all men are sexist assholes route"...I'd take any complaint after the fact with a giant grain of salt because this person's claims have lost pretty much any meaning since they are just throwing shit out there without anything to back it up. 
    ILoveBeachMusicOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875cupcait927
  • Maybe more something like this?:

    Me: Apparently you've made comments. Idk what they are ... but apparently they're sexist? Does that make sense?
    M: No I don't remember ...
    Me: Well idk how much more info I can get, but can you just be more aware of those around when you make comments? I'll try to find out specifics int he mean time.
  • Maybe more something like this?:

    Me: Apparently you've made comments. Idk what they are ... but apparently they're sexist? Does that make sense?
    M: No I don't remember ...
    Me: Well idk how much more info I can get, but can you just be more aware of those around when you make comments? I'll try to find out specifics int he mean time.
    Maybe (and maybe I'm reading something into this...) but it still comes off as he said something that was offensive or out of line, even though there is no proof of that. She can't give specifics, or even an example. 

    Maybe it's just me, but I would not go to my H with just some random rumor that has no info behind it and accuse him of doing something that is out of character. 
    I totally get it and I would want more information, but I would personally mention it so then just in case it was a real thing I know he'd want it to stop or brought to his attention. It would be more of a pre-cursor kind of chat.
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