Wedding Woes

All The Anxiety

I'm not sure where else to post this, but I'm having a hard time with wedding-related anxiety.

Brief summary: I just wanted to elope, I hate being the center of attention.  My FI's mother is contributing to the wedding, so FI has made most of the major decisions and I've just gone along behind making sure we observe etiquette and dealing with the vendors.

I am excited to marry my FI.  We've been together for almost 8 years.  I love him, and can't wait to be his wife.  I just feel ill when I think about all of the money we are spending (we aren't going into debt, but there are dozens of things I would have rather done than throw a wedding, even a small one) and I worry about our guests and if they will enjoy the whole thing.  We are hosting them properly, I know logically that the people whom we have invited are so happy for us and are looking forward to the occasion.

Less than 90 days to go and I am just not feeling excited about the whole thing.  I've talked to FI but he doesn't understand where I am coming from at all.  He loves the whole idea of the wedding, he's delighted with all of the plans and doesn't have a care in the world.

To top it all off my grandparents recently sold their farm and don't have anywhere to go (my grandpa impulsively listed it and then surprise, it sold in like 5 days).  They hate every single seniors accommodations they have looked at, and they have to be out of their farm by 2 weeks before my wedding.  My extended family (particularly my mom, the eldest girl) is in total chaos over it, and they expect me to take on a big portion of helping with the move "because I'm not working right now".  While that's true, I'm basically single-handedly doing all of the wedding things, and FI are moving shortly after the wedding as well.  I also have 2 teenagers that are going through a bunch of teenager stuff.  I'm not working, but my business partner and I are growing our Etsy shop and planning to do some farmers markets this summer.  I love my grandparents and I want to help them as much as I can, but I don't think I can take on as much as my family thinks I should.

It's just a lot.  I know everyone has a lot.  It's just a wedding.  I want it to be a nice wedding, I want the next few months to go smoothly, I just feel like it's not going to and I don't know what to do about the feeling of impending failure.

Re: All The Anxiety

  • I'm not sure where else to post this, but I'm having a hard time with wedding-related anxiety.

    Brief summary: I just wanted to elope, I hate being the center of attention.  My FI's mother is contributing to the wedding, so FI has made most of the major decisions and I've just gone along behind making sure we observe etiquette and dealing with the vendors.

    I am excited to marry my FI.  We've been together for almost 8 years.  I love him, and can't wait to be his wife.  I just feel ill when I think about all of the money we are spending (we aren't going into debt, but there are dozens of things I would have rather done than throw a wedding, even a small one) and I worry about our guests and if they will enjoy the whole thing.  We are hosting them properly, I know logically that the people whom we have invited are so happy for us and are looking forward to the occasion.

    Less than 90 days to go and I am just not feeling excited about the whole thing.  I've talked to FI but he doesn't understand where I am coming from at all.  He loves the whole idea of the wedding, he's delighted with all of the plans and doesn't have a care in the world.

    To top it all off my grandparents recently sold their farm and don't have anywhere to go (my grandpa impulsively listed it and then surprise, it sold in like 5 days).  They hate every single seniors accommodations they have looked at, and they have to be out of their farm by 2 weeks before my wedding.  My extended family (particularly my mom, the eldest girl) is in total chaos over it, and they expect me to take on a big portion of helping with the move "because I'm not working right now".  While that's true, I'm basically single-handedly doing all of the wedding things, and FI are moving shortly after the wedding as well.  I also have 2 teenagers that are going through a bunch of teenager stuff.  I'm not working, but my business partner and I are growing our Etsy shop and planning to do some farmers markets this summer.  I love my grandparents and I want to help them as much as I can, but I don't think I can take on as much as my family thinks I should.

    It's just a lot.  I know everyone has a lot.  It's just a wedding.  I want it to be a nice wedding, I want the next few months to go smoothly, I just feel like it's not going to and I don't know what to do about the feeling of impending failure.
    There's a lot going on here, but I wanted to start with a wedding is one day, a marriage is a lifetime. I wasn't super excited about my wedding (I had a lot of family drama leading up to it), and while I was over the moon about marrying my now-H, I didn't really care all that much about the wedding day. It's okay to feel what you're feeling about it, and it's okay for your FI to feel differently as well.

    As for what your family is asking/expecting you to do; set boundaries with what you're willing to help with. If you can help out one a day a week, say that upfront, and stick to it. If you can't help at all, say that and do that. Be upfront with what you're committing to, and stick by it. It's not anyone's business about why you're able to do what you're doing; you don't need to justify your time with them, so don't. 

    Find time to relax and take care of yourself. You sounds really stressed, and so much of this you can't control and worrying about it is only going to make you feel worse. You can't control whether people like the wedding, or what your grandparents decide to do with their living arrangements, but you can control how you react to it, and how much you let it affect your life. 
    kwiksilverOurWildKingdomSP29Greenjinjo
  • Ditto PPs.  It sounds like you've got a lot going on already and that it would be beneficial to you to start setting some boundaries around your time.  I really like the idea of getting ahead of the requests on your time by saying what you can do - for example, you can help out with farm stuff on this day/these days or you are willing to do these three things to expedite the move.  

    At the same, I'd see what you can delegate in your own immediate family.  Ask FI for more help with wedding things.  Forward him emails that need answering, save DIY things to work on together.  Can you get your teenagers, even with their teenagery angst, involved in helping with either their great-grandparents or with your own move? 

    And definitely take some time for yourself that isn't wedding, moving or business related.  Get a book, a cup of tea, do something relaxing for you to help clear and reset your mind.


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    Anniversary


    OurWildKingdomkwiksilverSP29
  • I just want to send out my sympathies.  It sounds like you've handled the wedding planning really well.  It is not what you want, but it is what your FI wants, so you all have compromised to have a small wedding/reception.  My H and I did the same, except he was the one who would have preferred an elopement.

    Try not to stress yourself out that everything needs to be "perfect" for your wedding.  Assuming guests are treated well, they will have a good time and will be happy to celebrate with you and your FI.

    It's okay your level of excitement is different from your FI's.  That only makes sense and you shouldn't feel guilty about that.

    As for your grandparent's, you need to set firm boundaries with your family.  You may not be "working" a typical f/t job, but you have a lot on your plate also!  Figure out how much you can help your grandparents, stay conservative in your "time"/"duties" estimate (so to speak) and let your family know that you can only do X and Y.  That's it.  They need to make other arrangements for A, B, and C.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    OurWildKingdomkwiksilverSP29
  • Deep breath.

    I went through a good period of time when I wanted to elope because I didn't want to fathom going through all the wedding stuff without my dad. M wasn't huge on the wedding idea anyways, but he knew I'd regret it.


    I swear, planning a wedding creates so much stress.

    Are you able to take days off? Might I suggest taking a long weekend and not doing anything wedding related. Enjoy some down time either with your FI or alone or with someone else. This definitely helped me.
    kwiksilverSP29
  • Cupcake and your favorite beverage time!  This sounds more like good old fashioned people-pleaser stress than anxiety (pot calling kettle here!)..  You need to make taking care of you a priority while dealing with everything.

    1) Take the "Welcome" Shirt off!  Boundaries.  Set them now.  Unless you're getting paid to move the GP, go a little Meghan Trainor and be decisive!  
    2) It's your grandparent's responsibility to choose either Senior living or a property they can reasonably take care of or hire landscapers to take care of for them.  This is not your responsibility to move them 2-3 weeks before your wedding.
    3) You ARE working, with whatever you're doing with Etsy! and the Farm Market.  Treat it as a business if it's a business.
    4) Teenagers are the reasons our parents got grey hair, don't think for a second you're immune.  Remember you're teaching them the tools they'll need for a lifetime, never be afraid to let/make them "step up" and simply be a soft place to land if things don't work out perfectly.  You're doing great!!!
    kwiksilvershort+sassySP29cowgirl8238
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