Maybe not getting married now? Help!

burningdownthehouse

FI and I have been together for 12 years, since we were freshman in high school. We got engaged 4 months ago and the plan was to get married next year to save some more money. 

Last month, FI's parents announced they will be getting a divorce, and it has understandably  devastated my FI. I do love my FILs, but this honestly does not come as a shock to me. FFIL was married when he met FMIL, had an affair, left his previous wife, and married FMIL. FMIL caught him cheating 15 years ago, forgave him, it happened again a few years ago, she forgave him again. This time, he has been having an affair and is leaving FMIL for the other woman. 

FI came to me a few days ago and said he doesn't want to get married anymore. He doesn't believe in marriage now and doesn't think it can work. We talked for a long time about his feelings. After that, I told him he should take some time and really consider what he's saying. I would totally understand if he wanted to put the wedding off, not make any real plans yet, NBD. If he said he wanted to just go to the courthouse, get some dinner, and be done with it, cool, I'm down with that.

What do I do? Do I just give him some more time to consider this? I know he's having so much trouble processing this divorce, but his reaction seems so extreme. Please help!

MesmrEwe

What do you do now...
 
I mean that with all due love and kindness - know this is not an issue with YOU, he's already given up, that's not something you can do any sort of woowoo over and fix.  You give yourself the time that you need, take care of you, and consider that fish snapped the line.  The other thing is, you've been together for 8 years post high school, that's a long time for him to not have asked the question and commit, it's not extreme you just didn't notice the signs and turn up the heat soon enough, he got comfortable with the status quo like you were a sibling instead of a SO.  How long are you going to keep putting your life on hold for someone who has given up on marriage, and likely long before this is the question you need to ask yourself.  There are things you'll learn about yourself in the next year without someone on the line for what you're willing to accept in a relationship and what you aren't.  "If you love him, set him free!" but more importantly "If you love yourself, you'll set yourself free to discover the life you were meant to lead!" which can lead to you finding someone who is going to sweep you off your feet in ways you'd never thought possible!  

burningdownthehouse

Thank you, @MesmrEwe . It's just so hard to imagine starting over after all this time. When we were in college, I said I would be fine with waiting to get engaged until we had graduated and been in our careers for a year or so. I think I told him that partially because I knew a proposal wouldn't come anytime soon anyway. 

kimmiinthemitten

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

FI and I have been together for 12 years, since we were freshman in high school. We got engaged 4 months ago and the plan was to get married next year to save some more money. 

Last month, FI's parents announced they will be getting a divorce, and it has understandably  devastated my FI. I do love my FILs, but this honestly does not come as a shock to me. FFIL was married when he met FMIL, had an affair, left his previous wife, and married FMIL. FMIL caught him cheating 15 years ago, forgave him, it happened again a few years ago, she forgave him again. This time, he has been having an affair and is leaving FMIL for the other woman. 

FI came to me a few days ago and said he doesn't want to get married anymore. He doesn't believe in marriage now and doesn't think it can work. We talked for a long time about his feelings. After that, I told him he should take some time and really consider what he's saying. I would totally understand if he wanted to put the wedding off, not make any real plans yet, NBD. If he said he wanted to just go to the courthouse, get some dinner, and be done with it, cool, I'm down with that.

What do I do? Do I just give him some more time to consider this? I know he's having so much trouble processing this divorce, but his reaction seems so extreme. Please help!

I don't think your FI's immediate reaction is necessarily a red flag, but I don't know the context either.  I have an irrational fear of being the bad sides of my mother too so I think your advice to take some time is smart and compassionate on your part.  

However, I think you need to take a step back and really evaluate the situation.  Is this the first red flag or have there been others that you've ignored because you love him?  If you do decide to go forward with the marriage, get counseling together.  Make sure you have all the tools you will need to communicate through the hard times.  If FI refuses counseling, I'd consider that a huge red flag.

I also think now is a good time to prepare yourself that he may not change his mind back.  12 years together is a long time, but you're young, you have much more ahead of you.  My sister married her HS sweetheart, I got married a few weeks before I turned 37.  The only the right answer is the one that is best for you!

mrsconn23

kimmiinthemitten said:

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

FI and I have been together for 12 years, since we were freshman in high school. We got engaged 4 months ago and the plan was to get married next year to save some more money. 

Last month, FI's parents announced they will be getting a divorce, and it has understandably  devastated my FI. I do love my FILs, but this honestly does not come as a shock to me. FFIL was married when he met FMIL, had an affair, left his previous wife, and married FMIL. FMIL caught him cheating 15 years ago, forgave him, it happened again a few years ago, she forgave him again. This time, he has been having an affair and is leaving FMIL for the other woman. 

FI came to me a few days ago and said he doesn't want to get married anymore. He doesn't believe in marriage now and doesn't think it can work. We talked for a long time about his feelings. After that, I told him he should take some time and really consider what he's saying. I would totally understand if he wanted to put the wedding off, not make any real plans yet, NBD. If he said he wanted to just go to the courthouse, get some dinner, and be done with it, cool, I'm down with that.

What do I do? Do I just give him some more time to consider this? I know he's having so much trouble processing this divorce, but his reaction seems so extreme. Please help!

I don't think your FI's immediate reaction is necessarily a red flag, but I don't know the context either.  I have an irrational fear of being the bad sides of my mother too so I think your advice to take some time is smart and compassionate on your part.  

However, I think you need to take a step back and really evaluate the situation.  Is this the first red flag or have there been others that you've ignored because you love him?  If you do decide to go forward with the marriage, get counseling together.  Make sure you have all the tools you will need to communicate through the hard times.  If FI refuses counseling, I'd consider that a huge red flag.

I also think now is a good time to prepare yourself that he may not change his mind back.  12 years together is a long time, but you're young, you have much more ahead of you.  My sister married her HS sweetheart, I got married a few weeks before I turned 37.  The only the right answer is the one that is best for you!

I think Kimmi has provided great advice.

I'd stop all planning for now. I would take the wedding/marriage off the table and work on how to get through this.  It really sounds like he needs to learn some coping skills, because this likely not going to be the only, or most, devastating event that comes to pass.  His response cannot be to want to blow up his life because something terrible or life-altering happens.    

burningdownthehouse

He has been staying with his mom since this discussion, and has been very short with me when he does respond. I haven't been blowing up his phone or anything, but I've called 3 times in the last 4 days and sent a few texts when he hasn't answered his calls. At one point I asked if he was breaking up with me completely, and he said "no, but you're gonna do what you're gonna do, and I understand if you can't handle this."

If he needs some space, that's fine, but he's being really unclear. It feels like he's playing a game with me to see if I'll really stick around "through thick and thin" but I'm not a toy and I don't want to be played with. 

charlotte989875

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

He has been staying with his mom since this discussion, and has been very short with me when he does respond. I haven't been blowing up his phone or anything, but I've called 3 times in the last 4 days and sent a few texts when he hasn't answered his calls. At one point I asked if he was breaking up with me completely, and he said "no, but you're gonna do what you're gonna do, and I understand if you can't handle this."

If he needs some space, that's fine, but he's being really unclear. It feels like he's playing a game with me to see if I'll really stick around "through thick and thin" but I'm not a toy and I don't want to be played with. 

He's not being fair. This is a man you were planning to marry, who will now not answer your calls? That's childish, IMO. Especially if you feel like he's playing games with you. Tell him you need to have a real, clear conversation about your relationship. Yes he's going through something unexpected and difficult, but he is an adult and needs to handle his business as such. 

When you talk be clear about what you're frustrated about and what you need to know moving forward. Don't be accusatory, but you are entitled to have a conversation with someone you're in a relationship with about your plans for the future. 

Testing someone to see if they are in it is not how adults handle their relationships. If he refuses to talk or engage with a real conversation (not making solid plans but communicating about your relationship) then I really don't think he's ready to be married. 

mrsconn23

He's acting like a child.  Y'all need to meet face to face to hash this out, instead of him hiding at mommy's house and picking and choosing when he might communicate with you.  

It doesn't bode well that he's facing personal crisis and is shutting you out.  He should be turning inward to you.  Or at the very least, answering your calls/texts if he feels he has to be with his mom/family.  

I'd try to get him to meet you in a neutral place to talk.  But at this point, if I were in your shoes, I'd be making plans to move on.  

bleve0821

TBH, and I say this with only the context you have provided, but it sounds like he is using his parents' divorce as an excuse to end his relationship with you. It sounds an awful lot like he doesn't want to come out and break up with you, he wants you to do the dirty work for him.

Look at it this way. He proposed, you guys were going to get married, he comes out and says I'm not going to go through with this.  He has made a decision that has a huge impact on you, but instead of being understanding of how you might be feeling, he is choosing to ignore your calls and your text, and he is short with you when he does talk.  That doesn't sound like somebody who wants to be in a relationship, especially not somebody who was about to marry a woman he had been with for 12 years.

And even if he is, is this really the person you want to spend your life with?  Someone who will run away from you and treat you like this when times get tough?

CMGragain

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

FI and I have been together for 12 years, since we were freshman in high school. We got engaged 4 months ago and the plan was to get married next year to save some more money. 

Last month, FI's parents announced they will be getting a divorce, and it has understandably  devastated my FI. I do love my FILs, but this honestly does not come as a shock to me. FFIL was married when he met FMIL, had an affair, left his previous wife, and married FMIL. FMIL caught him cheating 15 years ago, forgave him, it happened again a few years ago, she forgave him again. This time, he has been having an affair and is leaving FMIL for the other woman. 

FI came to me a few days ago and said he doesn't want to get married anymore. He doesn't believe in marriage now and doesn't think it can work. We talked for a long time about his feelings. After that, I told him he should take some time and really consider what he's saying. I would totally understand if he wanted to put the wedding off, not make any real plans yet, NBD. If he said he wanted to just go to the courthouse, get some dinner, and be done with it, cool, I'm down with that.

What do I do? Do I just give him some more time to consider this? I know he's having so much trouble processing this divorce, but his reaction seems so extreme. Please help!

I think that you are fortunate that your FI has been honest with you.  It is time to move on.

My daughter was very much in love with a lovely young man.  They were together for four years.  One evening he told her that he didn't want to marry her anymore because he didn't ever want to have children.  She was devastated.  Six years later, she married a wonderful man, and they have two beautiful children.  They are very happy.  Her ex is also married, but he and his wife have agreed to not have children.

Her ex did her a favor by telling her the truth.  You want marriage.  Your ex-FI does not.  Find a man who wants the same things that you want, and take your time.  You need to shop around a bit!  After you recover from this hurt (and it will take some time), you will find that it is whole new world out there.

downtondiva

Let me start by saying I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

I understand that when your parents get divorced, it can make you feel doubtful about marriage and afraid that you might go through the same thing someday. However, you have been with this man more than long enough that he should have more confidence in his relationship with you. At the very least, he should trust you enough to talk through the issues that have come up for him with his parents' splitting up, rather than just telling you he doesn't get married anymore and shutting you out.  

Even if he were to change his mind tomorrow, are you confident that he wouldn't change it again and keep you hanging on indefinitely? Do you really want to be with a man who, after 12 years with you, doesn't think you guys should get married because of someone else's marriage not working out? I don't know about you, but my answers to both those questions would be an absolute no. 

As much as it hurts, I'm afraid that you need to end this relationship and move on. You deserve to be with someone who values your love and has faith in your relationship, not somebody who throws everything into doubt after 12 years and won't even work through it with you. 

I know it's hard to hear all of this, but this is a situation where you need to put yourself first and consider your own feelings and future, and I hope you will do that. I wish you all the best.

burningdownthehouse

Thank you all for your honest advice. I really needed to hear this from an unbiased group to see what was really happening. I called him to set up a time to meet and talk, and he didn't pick up. I sent him a text (he doesn't ever check his voicemails) saying I needed clarity and wanted to talk in person. He didn't respond, but an hour later his mom came over to get more of his clothes and some other things. She told me she was really sorry he was being so disrespectful, she's embarrassed by his behavior, but she thinks the relationship is over. She was crying and we hugged, she gathered his things, and left. He doesn't even have enough respect for me, after 12 years together, to break up with me in person. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. 

GBCK

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

He has been staying with his mom since this discussion, and has been very short with me when he does respond. I haven't been blowing up his phone or anything, but I've called 3 times in the last 4 days and sent a few texts when he hasn't answered his calls. At one point I asked if he was breaking up with me completely, and he said "no, but you're gonna do what you're gonna do, and I understand if you can't handle this."

If he needs some space, that's fine, but he's being really unclear. It feels like he's playing a game with me to see if I'll really stick around "through thick and thin" but I'm not a toy and I don't want to be played with. 

Which is jackass code for "well, I kinda want to break up, but *I* don't want to break up, I want to force you to break up with me so I can deny I was an ass in this and blame you completely"

CMGragain

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

Thank you all for your honest advice. I really needed to hear this from an unbiased group to see what was really happening. I called him to set up a time to meet and talk, and he didn't pick up. I sent him a text (he doesn't ever check his voicemails) saying I needed clarity and wanted to talk in person. He didn't respond, but an hour later his mom came over to get more of his clothes and some other things. She told me she was really sorry he was being so disrespectful, she's embarrassed by his behavior, but she thinks the relationship is over. She was crying and we hugged, she gathered his things, and left. He doesn't even have enough respect for me, after 12 years together, to break up with me in person. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. 

I had a fiance who broke up with me over the telephone.  He did me a favor.  I might have actually married that jerk!

You deserve a man who loves you and can commit to you.  Go find him!

MesmrEwe

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

He has been staying with his mom since this discussion, and has been very short with me when he does respond. I haven't been blowing up his phone or anything, but I've called 3 times in the last 4 days and sent a few texts when he hasn't answered his calls. At one point I asked if he was breaking up with me completely, and he said "no, but you're gonna do what you're gonna do, and I understand if you can't handle this."

If he needs some space, that's fine, but he's being really unclear. It feels like he's playing a game with me to see if I'll really stick around "through thick and thin" but I'm not a toy and I don't want to be played with. 

O.k. maybe it's because I've been watching a bit too much Tony Robbins lately and this was one of the topics that triggers red flags IMO. as "If you keep pushing the buzzer, eventually one of the two of you is going to jump on the opportunity to call it over".  He has just saved you tons in wedding and divorce costs by doing this now instead of "buyers remorse" down the road...   He has done you a favor here!  Consider it a good thing even if you don't have the in-face meeting for a while if not ever or until your 15yr High School reunion.  

Now, it's time for TK Cheer-up because you deserve this - Cupcakes and Margarita's (or other beverage of your choice)!!!!!!  Celebrate the honesty and your opportunities ahead!!  (and no "rebound" for six months, you need to celebrate you as an adult and single doing all the things you didn't do because of him whether that's a hair color/style, type/color of clothing he didn't like as much, going to some travel destination he never wanted to go, color of wall/bedding, etc.)

As for "his stuff" still at your place...

burningdownthehouse

burningdownthehouse

@MesmrEwe I will be buying some paint tomorrow and redecorating a bit!

 I also plan to stay single for a while. I've never been single as an adult and I need to figure out how to be on my own. I'm not worried about making our mortgage on my own or anything, so that should be fine. I make more than he does, and that really bothered him. It will be nice to not have to be apologetic for being awesome at my job! I can also focus more on my work, since I won't have to worry about making it home before him to make sure everything is clean, his dinner is ready, lunch for the next day is packed, and his clothes are clean and put away so he isn't upset in the morning! Guess his mom will be taking over those responsibilities again!

Sorry if I'm sounding like a jerk, I guess I just have a little anger to let out! Plus I may have had a few drinks...

downtondiva

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

@MesmrEwe I will be buying some paint tomorrow and redecorating a bit!

 I also plan to stay single for a while. I've never been single as an adult and I need to figure out how to be on my own. I'm not worried about making our mortgage on my own or anything, so that should be fine. I make more than he does, and that really bothered him. It will be nice to not have to be apologetic for being awesome at my job! I can also focus more on my work, since I won't have to worry about making it home before him to make sure everything is clean, his dinner is ready, lunch for the next day is packed, and his clothes are clean and put away so he isn't upset in the morning! Guess his mom will be taking over those responsibilities again!

Sorry if I'm sounding like a jerk, I guess I just have a little anger to let out! Plus I may have had a few drinks...

------stuck in the box------------

You don't sound like a jerk at all...he does, and you have every right to be angry! You go ahead and have all the drinks and cupcakes you want...you deserve it after all these years as this jerk's housekeeper and getting treated the way you did! 

In all seriousness, though, I'm glad that you are taking some time for yourself and not looking for another relationship right away. Get to know yourself on your own, not as somebody's significant other. Someone better will come along when the time is right. There's no need to rush into anything. Now get out there and kick ass at work and at life! 

MesmrEwe

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

@MesmrEwe I will be buying some paint tomorrow and redecorating a bit!

 I also plan to stay single for a while. I've never been single as an adult and I need to figure out how to be on my own. I'm not worried about making our mortgage on my own or anything, so that should be fine. I make more than he does, and that really bothered him. It will be nice to not have to be apologetic for being awesome at my job! I can also focus more on my work, since I won't have to worry about making it home before him to make sure everything is clean, his dinner is ready, lunch for the next day is packed, and his clothes are clean and put away so he isn't upset in the morning! Guess his mom will be taking over those responsibilities again!

Sorry if I'm sounding like a jerk, I guess I just have a little anger to let out! Plus I may have had a few drinks...

Remember to read this after the drinks wear off and follow through action!  Yea - you were his Momma's replacement not his SO in his eyes (oh when his brain gets pulled out of his rear end he's going to come begging for you back, the answer is not No!, the answer is OH HE** NO!!!  Because you're far more valuable than him on more than a financial level).  Also, please make sure his name is off the mortgage and related paperwork.  You may have to deal with legal stuff there.  

levioosa

I agree with PPs. I just wanted to add one thing. 

My bff never believed in marriage. She had parents who stayed together out of obligation and they fought and had affairs. She wasn't completely anti-marriage, but she was definitely close and she was sure it wasn't for her...until she met her now H. She realized that her shitty examples weren't a representative of all marriages. She and her H have a wonderful marriage now.  She realized that her parent's past didn't define her own future. That was a huge breakthrough for her and she's so happy she didn't let her fears and past experiences color what is now a successful marriage. 

I think your (ex)-FI is acting like a child. He isn't facing the problem or approaching it like an adult. If you want to go to counseling, that's a good start, but don't make concessions for his child-like behavior. He's old enough to realize that his dad made some shitty choices. His dad/mom's relationship doesn't define all marriages.

I am genuinely sorry you are going through this. I'm a big fan of taking time to grieve and just be you. As someone who broke up with their high school sweet heart after 6 years together (not 12 years, but a still a good chunk of time), it was almost refreshing to be me and do the things that I liked once I got past the abject grief stage. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. All of the hugs. 

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

I agree with PPs. I just wanted to add one thing. 

My bff never believed in marriage. She had parents who stayed together out of obligation and they fought and had affairs. She wasn't completely anti-marriage, but she was definitely close and she was sure it wasn't for her...until she met her now H. She realized that her shitty examples weren't a representative of all marriages. She and her H have a wonderful marriage now.  She realized that her parent's past didn't define her own future. That was a huge breakthrough for her and she's so happy she didn't let her fears and past experiences color what is now a successful marriage. 

I think your (ex)-FI is acting like a child. He isn't facing the problem or approaching it like an adult. If you want to go to counseling, that's a good start, but don't make concessions for his child-like behavior. He's old enough to realize that his dad made some shitty choices. His dad/mom's relationship doesn't define all marriages.

I am genuinely sorry you are going through this. I'm a big fan of taking time to grieve and just be you. As someone who broke up with their high school sweet heart after 6 years together (not 12 years, but a still a good chunk of time), it was almost refreshing to be me and do the things that I liked once I got past the abject grief stage. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. All of the hugs. 

I could have written this exact thing about myself years ago. My parents have a terrible relationship, modeled a terrible picture of love/respect/partnership. Then I met H, and realized that love doesn't look like what my parents modeled all those years. But really, I grew up. 

Im sorry you're going through this, it sucks. But like everyone else said it's better to know now. Take all the time you need to grieve, have your feelings, and take care of yourself. All the good vibes for you. 

kimmiinthemitten

OP, you have a great outlook. Wash that man right out of your hair! Once you're healed and ready you may even find an actual man who can make his own damn sandwich. 

banana468

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   

At this point, I'd start to treat your place as yours alone.   

Is the house legally belonging to both of you?   Will you need to get him to sign over his ownership to you?   Can you change the locks?

burningdownthehouse

banana468 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   

At this point, I'd start to treat your place as yours alone.   

Is the house legally belonging to both of you?   Will you need to get him to sign over his ownership to you?   Can you change the locks?

The house is in my name only, fortunately. His credit is pretty bad, so the plan was to add it eventually. Changing the locks is a good idea, I'll do that today, thanks! I feel completely numb today. I need to get out and do something anyway. I still haven't heard from him. 

banana468

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

banana468 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   

At this point, I'd start to treat your place as yours alone.   

Is the house legally belonging to both of you?   Will you need to get him to sign over his ownership to you?   Can you change the locks?

The house is in my name only, fortunately. His credit is pretty bad, so the plan was to add it eventually. Changing the locks is a good idea, I'll do that today, thanks! I feel completely numb today. I need to get out and do something anyway. I still haven't heard from him. 

It doesn't sound like he knows what he's doing.

But if it's your house then I'd be rather clear starting now that the place and the contents inside it are yours.  It's up to you if you want things inside it to go but after what's gone down, I'd make sure that you don't show up after a work day to find out that he's taken a TV / kitchen appliances or other things.   

missfrodo

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

@MesmrEwe I will be buying some paint tomorrow and redecorating a bit!

 I also plan to stay single for a while. I've never been single as an adult and I need to figure out how to be on my own. I'm not worried about making our mortgage on my own or anything, so that should be fine. I make more than he does, and that really bothered him. It will be nice to not have to be apologetic for being awesome at my job! I can also focus more on my work, since I won't have to worry about making it home before him to make sure everything is clean, his dinner is ready, lunch for the next day is packed, and his clothes are clean and put away so he isn't upset in the morning! Guess his mom will be taking over those responsibilities again!

Sorry if I'm sounding like a jerk, I guess I just have a little anger to let out! Plus I may have had a few drinks...

Oh HELLS to the no!  This is the best thing that could happen to you right now, because you needed to get out of this relationship!  It's hard having your whole adult identity sort of wrapped up in being his GF/servant, but it's going to feel so liberating to get to know yourself again and be responsible just for yourself--you'll probably gain back a whole lot of self-respect that he had squashed as well.  Relationships should be partnerships, with both people giving and taking.  The only reason women used to do all that shit for their men was because they couldn't work, so their contribution to the household was to do the cooking and cleaning.  You're working and he's working, so you should be able to split the housework, too--and he can learn to cook his own damn dinner and fold his own laundry.  You are going to find that partner someday, a man who respects you as a human being, and I'm so happy for you that you have that opportunity now that this jerk is out of your life.  Think about that when you're really depressed over him leaving.

climbingsingle

OP, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. But honestly, after the more you've shared about him here, I say good fucking riddance. He's shown you who he is, and thankfully you got to see this BEFORE you married him. 

A good man will not be mad that you make more money than him. One year I made more than my husband, and he was elated. 

I used to date guys that sound like your ex - they weren't really my partner. I did all the cooking, cleaning, etc., while they sat around on their asses. One guy also got mad if the house wasn't clean, and his lunch wasn't packed for the next day. This douche also suggested I go for cooking lessons, and then would count my glasses of wine if we ever went out with friends. 

Anyway, be glad you're rid of him. The right person is out there for you. You'll find them. And that person will respect you, and be your partner. Don't worry about "starting over". I ended a 5 year relationship when I was 32, and the next month I met my husband. 

DrillSergeantCat

The last motherly thing you should do for him is pack the rest of his crap up and send him a text saying, "I've packed the rest of your belonging. I'm putting them on the porch in the morning. If they're not gone by (pick a time and day), I'm donating them to Goodwill."

Joney

It sounds like your (ex?)-FI could also benefit from being on his own.  Being a big cranky pants baby because your clothes aren't set out for you in the morning may be okay for a six year old, but in a grown ass man?  That shit will get old really fast.  Also, he can't handle you earning more than him?  This is a guy who has some warped ideas about gender roles. 

I know breakups suck, and you guys have been together for so long that I'm sure it'll take some time before you feel "normal" again.  Being a single adult who has no one to answer to, though, can be so effing fun!  You have a lot to look forward to . Think of all the extra time you'll have not being a mother to a giant man child. 

short+sassy

PPs have great advice and I'm glad to see the great attitude you have OP, all things considered.

Give yourself some time to grieve.  Your emotions will probably be in a roller coaster.  Some days you'll be all fired up with "Good riddance!" and "Yay!  Independence to discover who I am!"  And other days you'll be numb/overwhelmed/in despair.  But as time goes on, those good days will start outnumbering the bad ones more and more.

Most people change a lot from when their freshmen in high school to college and then change again in young adulthood.  It sounds like you matured more and faster than he did.  Maybe you all weren't very compatible anymore and that was part of it also.

MesmrEwe

knottied639ddab3f86902d said:

banana468 said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   

At this point, I'd start to treat your place as yours alone.   

Is the house legally belonging to both of you?   Will you need to get him to sign over his ownership to you?   Can you change the locks?

The house is in my name only, fortunately. His credit is pretty bad, so the plan was to add it eventually. Changing the locks is a good idea, I'll do that today, thanks! I feel completely numb today. I need to get out and do something anyway. I still haven't heard from him. 

Go ahead and process this through - it's your mind-body's way of protecting you, but it can also hinder for the long term.  Feel what needs to be felt as it needs to be felt, and remember to "Break State" and do positive things for your self so you avoid being "stuck" in those less than glorious states of being.  

I'm so excited for your trip to the hardware store today for boxes, packing tape, paint, rollers, drop cloth (oh wait, that's not his clothes is it - WHOOPS!), and new locks (remember to have them all keyed the same right away!)..