Bigot FIL doubled down on being a bigot

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Recently an encounter with my partner’s father went very wrong. He started using a racial slur in my home and persisted even after my partner asked him to stop. I asked him again to stop and he started calling me names, so I told him to leave. According to my partner’s mother (who supports us), my partner’s father now thinks I am a literal witch and he has taken my partner out of his will. My partner and his father have had numerous problems in the past, and I know that he will not apologize and will likely say more hateful things to me. I also know that I will have to see him again and I want to know what is the best way to handle this. I have never, ever fought with someone like this, especially not with a partner’s family. I feel ashamed, though I know that my partner stands with me. Do I approach him as I normally would? Go “gray rock“ with him?

—At Odds

MissKittyDanger

{thank you for linking about that, I had no idea that was a thing - mind you I just learned about 'gas lighting'}

Tbh, I think LW should "gray rock" partner's father. He's not sorry. He doesn't sound like he'd ever be sorry. He knows what was said. LW said it themself. Why bother continuing with him?

VarunaTT

I don't even know why LW is feeling so badly.  LW's partner asked their father to stop, father didn't, LW backed up partner.  Now, partner is backing up LW in their decision to not associate with FIL.

Dump the asshole.  Walk away with a smile and relief knowing that you don't have to encounter this asshole again.  DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT DUMPING PEOPLE WHO PURPOSELY HURT YOU.  I just want to hug LW and validate them to the skies.  

bleve0821

This letter is hitting pretty close to home, so I am really struggling to keep myself in check.  I guess my big question here is why does LW "have" to see him again?  I mean, that's someone you cut out of your life.  End of story.  And if LW's partner is really, truly supportive, he won't ever ask LW to visit his father, interact with him, or deal with him in any capacity.  If it's a "well, mom and dad are a package deal kind of thing," then the partner needs to explain to his mother he and LW are ALSO a "package deal," actions have consequences, and if she wants to see her son and his partner, it'll either be without dad, or not at all.

And LW also needs to talk to the partner about the definition of support.  Is it truly supportive if partner maintains a relationship with both parents, despite all this?  Because, at least based on my experience (which did not involve any racial slurs, but did come to blows, name-calling, and just general ugliness), if DH visited BIL/SIL for ANY reason, while I stayed behind (which I would have to, for a variety of reasons), I would NOT feel at all supported.  Because in my mind, that would feel like a betrayal, because it feels a lot like he's saying, "You said nasty shit to the person I love and made her feel threatened and unsafe in our home, but that's okay, we can still have a relationship without her.  Sucks that you guys don't get along, but that's okay.  You're the reason she's not here, and I'm essentially justifying that the things you said and did weren't wrong."

And that may not be the most rational way to feel, but that just doesn't feel like support to me.  These kinds of "encounters" are generally relationship ending for all parties involved; there is no "Go without me."

Joney

Just learning gray rocking now, but it seems to be applied when someone becomes obsessed with the drama of engaging you, and when ignoring them could either be dangerous or is unavoidable. Is that really the case here?

You don't need to play nice and pretend nothing happened if you see him again. Shit did happen, and he should be bloody ashamed.  Slip into conversation the new Phallus-Rotting hexes you've recently discovered in your new spell book.

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

{thank you for linking about that, I had no idea that was a thing - mind you I just learned about 'gas lighting'}

Tbh, I think LW should "gray rock" partner's father. He's not sorry. He doesn't sound like he'd ever be sorry. He knows what was said. LW said it themself. Why bother continuing with him?

I hadn't hear the term gray rock either.  Nothing the LW needs to do, it seems to me.  He/she doesn't want to see FIL again.  They can work with their partner on how to handle that and/or if there area exceptions.  But, yeah!  Racial slurs are bad enough.  But when someone repeatedly uses them in your presence when you've already told them not to, that is a whole new ballgame.

Off topic, if you haven't seen the movie "Gas Light", watch it!  It's SO good.  I liked it so much I tracked down the book it was based off of, "Rebecca", and read that.

That movie happens to feature a then 19-year-old Angela Landsbury in her first movie role.  She plays a spicy, impish, slightly wicked woman from Wales.  Such a departure from her "sweet grandma-like" roles I was more familiar with.

MesmrEwe

As someone who has been listed as "Predeceased" in a family member's Will (My Paternal GP).  My thought is "thank the SOB!"  LW doesn't get stuck with the tax bill or any of that other BS that comes along with it. 

LadyCatherineDB

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

{thank you for linking about that, I had no idea that was a thing - mind you I just learned about 'gas lighting'}

Tbh, I think LW should "gray rock" partner's father. He's not sorry. He doesn't sound like he'd ever be sorry. He knows what was said. LW said it themself. Why bother continuing with him?

I hadn't hear the term gray rock either.  Nothing the LW needs to do, it seems to me.  He/she doesn't want to see FIL again.  They can work with their partner on how to handle that and/or if there area exceptions.  But, yeah!  Racial slurs are bad enough.  But when someone repeatedly uses them in your presence when you've already told them not to, that is a whole new ballgame.

Off topic, if you haven't seen the movie "Gas Light", watch it!  It's SO good.  I liked it so much I tracked down the book it was based off of, "Rebecca", and read that.

That movie happens to feature a then 19-year-old Angela Landsbury in her first movie role.  She plays a spicy, impish, slightly wicked woman from Wales.  Such a departure from her "sweet grandma-like" roles I was more familiar with.

I thought Hitchcock's 1940 movie "Rebecca", which had a different plot from "Gaslight", was based on the du Maurier's book "Rebecca". Is there a book with the same title?

short+sassy

LadyCatherineDB said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

{thank you for linking about that, I had no idea that was a thing - mind you I just learned about 'gas lighting'}

Tbh, I think LW should "gray rock" partner's father. He's not sorry. He doesn't sound like he'd ever be sorry. He knows what was said. LW said it themself. Why bother continuing with him?

I hadn't hear the term gray rock either.  Nothing the LW needs to do, it seems to me.  He/she doesn't want to see FIL again.  They can work with their partner on how to handle that and/or if there area exceptions.  But, yeah!  Racial slurs are bad enough.  But when someone repeatedly uses them in your presence when you've already told them not to, that is a whole new ballgame.

Off topic, if you haven't seen the movie "Gas Light", watch it!  It's SO good.  I liked it so much I tracked down the book it was based off of, "Rebecca", and read that.

That movie happens to feature a then 19-year-old Angela Landsbury in her first movie role.  She plays a spicy, impish, slightly wicked woman from Wales.  Such a departure from her "sweet grandma-like" roles I was more familiar with.

I thought Hitchcock's 1940 movie "Rebecca", which had a different plot from "Gaslight", was based on the du Maurier's book "Rebecca". Is there a book with the same title?

Doh!  You're right, my mistake!  "Gaslight" and "Rebecca" are two of my favorite old movies and I just mixed them up.

LadyCatherineDB

short+sassy said:

LadyCatherineDB said:

short+sassy said:

MissKittyDanger said:

{thank you for linking about that, I had no idea that was a thing - mind you I just learned about 'gas lighting'}

Tbh, I think LW should "gray rock" partner's father. He's not sorry. He doesn't sound like he'd ever be sorry. He knows what was said. LW said it themself. Why bother continuing with him?

I hadn't hear the term gray rock either.  Nothing the LW needs to do, it seems to me.  He/she doesn't want to see FIL again.  They can work with their partner on how to handle that and/or if there area exceptions.  But, yeah!  Racial slurs are bad enough.  But when someone repeatedly uses them in your presence when you've already told them not to, that is a whole new ballgame.

Off topic, if you haven't seen the movie "Gas Light", watch it!  It's SO good.  I liked it so much I tracked down the book it was based off of, "Rebecca", and read that.

That movie happens to feature a then 19-year-old Angela Landsbury in her first movie role.  She plays a spicy, impish, slightly wicked woman from Wales.  Such a departure from her "sweet grandma-like" roles I was more familiar with.

I thought Hitchcock's 1940 movie "Rebecca", which had a different plot from "Gaslight", was based on the du Maurier's book "Rebecca". Is there a book with the same title?

Doh!  You're right, my mistake!  "Gaslight" and "Rebecca" are two of my favorite old movies and I just mixed them up.

You have good taste in movies. We could be related.