Etiquette

Are our plans OK?

OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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FW and I have decided we want to get married with just immediate family, Housemate, and FW's two BFFs. FW is an only child and her father passed away two months after we met, so FMIL is her only family apart from FSD. Having her BFFs there wasn't going to be my hill to die on. (Plus she already told one of her BFFs that she was invited.) Counting us, the officiant, and the photographer, there would be15 people (unless we also invite FW's xW, her H, and FSD).

FW feels very strongly about not having the big wedding we had originally planned (I wish I'd paid more attention to what she wanted before, but that's a whole other matter). I explained to her that I was going to run our plans past you all, and that if you nixed it, it would be just us, our officiant, and our photographer.

Re: Are our plans OK?

  • No problem.  You may invite whomever you wish.  No one is entitled to an invitation.  I hope you have a beautiful day!

    You are going to have a reception afterwards for your guests?  This is required.  It can be at a restaurant to make thing easy.
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    MesmrEweInLoveInQueens
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    Sounds good to me.
                
  • I think your plans are totally fine - and brunch is always a good idea! I hope you have a wonderful wedding day. :)
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  • MobKaz said:
    Forgive me for not remembering all the past details. 

    If you notified any and all prior potential guests of the cancellation of your original plans, then you have every right to create a new event with a new guest list.

    I am glad you and FW have been able to move forward.  Just remember that this wedding should be a reflection of you both.  I hope you are not sacrificing too much on your end.
    I agree with all of this. If you cancelled and are now planning a new event, invite who you like. 

    But it also make sure it reflects some of what both of you want. I know you both have been back and forth on size/private/guest questions so hopefully you're both on the same page with the new plans!
    ernursejkimmiinthemittenInLoveInQueens
  • I'm a bit confused with the family tree, is FSD your fiancées daughter? If so, I think she should definitely be invited. 
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    I'm a bit confused with the family tree, is FSD your fiancées daughter? If so, I think she should definitely be invited. 
    She is my fiancée's daughter. I would like to invite her but would need to discuss that with FW. She's also in school (will be in second grade), but since it's a holiday weekend, her mother and stepfather might be willing to bring her up for the wedding.
  • I'm a bit confused with the family tree, is FSD your fiancées daughter? If so, I think she should definitely be invited. 
    She is my fiancée's daughter. I would like to invite her but would need to discuss that with FW. She's also in school (will be in second grade), but since it's a holiday weekend, her mother and stepfather might be willing to bring her up for the wedding.
    Obviously I don't know the details of your situations or relationships, but as a stepparent myself a few years into marriage, I would strongly recommend doing everything you can to make sure your FSD is there unless she vehemently doesn't want to be. If we had gotten married when my stepson was with his mom, I think that would have put an irreversible dent in our relationship and identity as a family, not to mention his self worth and belief of whether or not he is important (in general and to us). Second grade is more than old enough to get that her parent had a "family only" wedding (plus a few friends), and she didn't make the cut. Assuming you guys at least have some visitation, the best thing to do would be to plan your wedding to be on a day you already have custody, that way you don't have to be dependent on the whim of bio mom and stepdad who MIGHT be willing to let her go.
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    Only problem is that FSD lives in another state (she's in Arkansas, we're in Ohio). We'll definitely invite her, even if her mom and stepdad decline to make the trip.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited April 2017
    Yes, send the invitations, book the restaurant back room for brunch (you're the brides - don't be the chefs and dishwasher too!), and Let's get you two hitched!

    ETA: Just remember Mother's Day is coming up, don't choose that weekend LOL)
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    STARMOON44
  • I know you guys have changes your plans many times, so I'm happy to hear you are on the same page and ready to move forward.  I would say:

    1. Invite the FSD and/or do as much as you can to include her.  I know this is tough with them being OOT...would skyping/facetiming with her be allowed if they refuse to attend, before, during, or after the ceremony?

    2. Have a kick ass wedding/brunch and enjoy it!  I'm guessing the backlash over cancelling your previous plans and then wanting something on a similar scale was one of the reason for this choice.  I think 15 or so people is clearly different from your original list and should avoid any hurt feelings.  As others have said just make sure you will both be happy with the plans :)

  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    I know you guys have changes your plans many times, so I'm happy to hear you are on the same page and ready to move forward.  I would say:

    1. Invite the FSD and/or do as much as you can to include her.  I know this is tough with them being OOT...would skyping/facetiming with her be allowed if they refuse to attend, before, during, or after the ceremony?

    2. Have a kick ass wedding/brunch and enjoy it!  I'm guessing the backlash over cancelling your previous plans and then wanting something on a similar scale was one of the reason for this choice.  I think 15 or so people is clearly different from your original list and should avoid any hurt feelings.  As others have said just make sure you will both be happy with the plans :)

    I like the FaceTime idea! We're definitely inviting FSD, and if she can't be there, then FaceTime is a great option.
    cowgirl8238charlotte989875
  • I know you guys have changes your plans many times, so I'm happy to hear you are on the same page and ready to move forward.  I would say:

    1. Invite the FSD and/or do as much as you can to include her.  I know this is tough with them being OOT...would skyping/facetiming with her be allowed if they refuse to attend, before, during, or after the ceremony?

    2. Have a kick ass wedding/brunch and enjoy it!  I'm guessing the backlash over cancelling your previous plans and then wanting something on a similar scale was one of the reason for this choice.  I think 15 or so people is clearly different from your original list and should avoid any hurt feelings.  As others have said just make sure you will both be happy with the plans :)

    I like the FaceTime idea! We're definitely inviting FSD, and if she can't be there, then FaceTime is a great option.
    There is a very simple solution that would ensure FSD could attend.  I assume your FI has some custody/visitation- plan your wedding for a day your FSD is already supposed to be with you. (if not, get a custody order in place! Even if the co-parenting relationship is great, it's very soothing to kids to know for sure when they're going to see each parent) We have a similar situation where my SS's biomom lives far away. If she were to plan a wedding on a random weekend he's not with her, he would not be able to go. We would want him to go because we think it's important, but it just wouldn't be possible. We don't have the thousands of dollars or vacation time needed to schlep him across the country because she didn't prioritize him attending. And honestly, as the saying goes, a failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. That's asking a lot from her family. Just like any VIP, check the date with them before planning your wedding. Would you pick a date you knew your parents were going to be on a European vacation and your FI's BFFs were going to be on a cruise/taking the bar exam/accepting an award at the White House? Only if you didn't really care if they were there. It's very likely FSD will see it that way, and that's a deep hurt that's hard to make up for.

     The question for you and FI is, is she and your relationship with her important enough to you to make sure she's there, or there something more important than her dictating your date? 
    InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
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