Chit Chat

Frustrated with my sister.....venting!

kaos16kaos16 member
Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
edited April 18 in Chit Chat

So, my sister and I are only 18 months apart in age.  We've never really been that close though, choosing quite different paths in life.

She is currently engaged to the father of her youngest child.  He has a teenager from a previous marriage, and she has kids from a previous relationship as well.

Over the weekend she got herself arrested under the "Social Host Law" because there was a party at her house with 75 people, including teenagers who were drinking.  She claims that her fiancé was trying to break it up (the police report says he wasn't) and that she was inside with the younger kids.  Initially she said she was sleeping, now she says she wasn't, but didn't know what was happening outside.

She also stated that she needed to take the charge because her fiancé works with children, (he is a school janitor) although she is a licensed CNA!

Now she is texting me nonstop about how unfair it is that she got arrested, that her fiancé's daughter should take responsibility for having the party, etc.  Apparently her fiancé's soon-to-be-ex-wife is now taking him back to court because of the situation, so she is asking me what's going to happen, and isn't the ex violating a court order by texting him to say he can't take their daughter until the court date, etc.  I am a lawyer, but I don't do any work in family court, so I don't have answers for her which pisses her off.

Of note, my husband represented the fiancé in his divorce for a severely discounted rate, we are actually out money paying his associates to cover it since they haven't paid anything.  Now she needs an attorney for the criminal matter, and I suggested a public defender since neither of them makes very much, and they have 4 children to support together.  Apparently that's not good enough for her so she hired someone who doesn't do criminal work (and got mad when I suggested that might not be a great idea)

I'm just tired.....tired of her not taking personal responsibility.  Tired of the frustration being caused in my own marriage by having to deal with her legal matters.  Tired of all the drama!

Re: Frustrated with my sister.....venting!

  • Ro041Ro041 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments First Answer
    Man...that sucks.  This is the exact reason why I went to law school 3 states away and didn't move back home.  I had nightmares of the kinds of frantic texts I would get like this.  I don't envy your position but I am proud of you for not giving in and bailing her out of this situation.  *fist bump*

    As an aside, I think you meant to say "now taking him to court" instead of "not."  

    DrillSergeantCat
  • I'm confused..why is she engaged to someone who is not even legally divorced yet? Big red flag in my book.
    OurWildKingdomdivarhdcowgirl8238
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer


    I'm confused..why is she engaged to someone who is not even legally divorced yet? Big red flag in my book.



    I don't know much about him, although he seems nice enough at family functions.  My sister indicates that they have been separated for awhile, just not legally divorced. My sister has been with him for 2.5 years or so.
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary

    kaos16 said:





    I'm confused..why is she engaged to someone who is not even legally divorced yet? Big red flag in my book.





    I don't know much about him, although he seems nice enough at family functions.  My sister indicates that they have been separated for awhile, just not legally divorced. My sister has been with him for 2.5 years or so.


    yeah, that's not a red flag to me.  When I first started dating now DH, he had been legally separated for awhile too. 

    OP, that's A LOT to take in!  

    ahoywedding
  • Is your sister never responsible for what happens??

    Ugh - this is one of those issues that my parents drilled into me 20 years ago.   They knew  years ago that they were liable if this happened in their home and consequently it didn't.  She's doing way too much finger pointing.

    Hopefully she's receptive to your advice.
    Thenimage Nowimage
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    banana468 said:

    Is your sister never responsible for what happens??

    Ugh - this is one of those issues that my parents drilled into me 20 years ago.   They knew  years ago that they were liable if this happened in their home and consequently it didn't.  She's doing way too much finger pointing.

    Hopefully she's receptive to your advice.


    I hate to be mean, but somehow it is always someone else's fault.  It has been that way her whole life.  I don't get it.  This time she is blaming the 14 year old girl.  I imagine that going through a divorce is stressful on a teenager, but with that being said . . . she is 14.....she needs parents and guidance, not three adults all trying to be her buddy, and the cool one. 
    SP29sparklepants41InLoveInQueenscowgirl8238
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    kaos16 said:



    banana468 said:


    Is your sister never responsible for what happens??

    Ugh - this is one of those issues that my parents drilled into me 20 years ago.   They knew  years ago that they were liable if this happened in their home and consequently it didn't.  She's doing way too much finger pointing.

    Hopefully she's receptive to your advice.




    I hate to be mean, but somehow it is always someone else's fault.  It has been that way her whole life.  I don't get it.  This time she is blaming the 14 year old girl.  I imagine that going through a divorce is stressful on a teenager, but with that being said . . . she is 14.....she needs parents and guidance, not three adults all trying to be her buddy, and the cool one. 


    I've been using an expression with DD to help her deal with some MIL issues.  Expect the expected.

    You are not being mean.  Your sister has a lifetime of accountability issues.  You have to get off the guilt train and suggest to her what SHE needs to do and walk away.  This situation sounds like it should come as no surprise.  I'm sorry.  But if you learn to expect the expected from her, it starts to get a little easier to let it go.
  • SP29SP29 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Sorry you have to deal with this. What a bunch of drama!

    You are not being mean. This is on your Sister to deal with. A 14 year old was having a party in HER home (or the home she shares with her FI), it's her responsibility to supervise it to stop it if it's getting out of hand. Sure, discipline the kid after, but it's the adults who are legally responsible for what happens.

    It's considerate of you to try and help out your family with what you can, but when her drama starts affecting your life and particularly your marriage, it's time to put your foot down and tell her no, you won't get involved.


    short+sassycharlotte989875cowgirl8238

  • kaos16 said:



    banana468 said:


    Is your sister never responsible for what happens??

    Ugh - this is one of those issues that my parents drilled into me 20 years ago.   They knew  years ago that they were liable if this happened in their home and consequently it didn't.  She's doing way too much finger pointing.

    Hopefully she's receptive to your advice.




    I hate to be mean, but somehow it is always someone else's fault.  It has been that way her whole life.  I don't get it.  This time she is blaming the 14 year old girl.  I imagine that going through a divorce is stressful on a teenager, but with that being said . . . she is 14.....she needs parents and guidance, not three adults all trying to be her buddy, and the cool one. 


    You're being realistic.   

    I'd love to hear the prosecutor who hears her try to blame a 14 yo.    Maybe some gentle counseling on that would help her.   
    Thenimage Nowimage
  • I agree with everything everyone else has said, but wanted to offer up another thought; if you continue to get involved with her legal drama could it affect your, or your H's, career/work relationships/reputation? I know the impulse, even when you're frustrated, is to help out family, but you also need to protect your lives, including your professional lives as well. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdomcowgirl8238SP29
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited April 19




    I agree with everything everyone else has said, but wanted to offer up another thought; if you continue to get involved with her legal drama could it affect your, or your H's, career/work relationships/reputation? I know the impulse, even when you're frustrated, is to help out family, but you also need to protect your lives, including your professional lives as well. 





    Funny, twice now I have had to have a meeting with my boss because of my sister's involvement with criminal activity.  I am a prosecutor.  We live in the same county.  Now that she has been arrested they have to bring in a "special prosecutor" unattached to my office so there is no appearance of any favoritism.  Talk about awkward!

    She doesn't seem to care.

  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer


    I know I always refer back to my Nar Anon lessons, and here I go again.

    You're doing your sister a favor, even if it doesn't feel like it to either of you.  When you (or anyone else) swoops in and saves her, she has no involvement in the outcome, no behavior or outcome to take pride in.  The only way she can grow and learn from this situation is to deal with it herself.  Do we all want a get out of jail free card when we screw up?  Of course, but all that does is guarantee we screw up again.

    Hugs to you for having to go through this and deal with what sounds like a manipulative permanent victim.  Just remember that manipulation is a fine tuned skill and it's artists are masters at painting the picture they want you to see.



    I think in the big picture, my mom is the enabler of my sister.  When she described the story to me, she also blamed the 14 year old.  I tried to explain to her that she is 14 and needs a parent, not a friend, that someone needs to be responsible for her.

    I did get into a fight with my sister last night.  We only ever really talk through text, because she often claims conversations were different than they were, so I like to have a record.  When she asked me the legal questions my response was "have your fiancé call the lawyer at DH's firm and ask her about it."  Instead, she took it upon herself to send that lawyer a facebook message that was a picture of what her fiancé was served with, an explanation blaming the teenager, and a text from her fiancé's ex regarding custody. . . . no explanation or question or anything.  Obviously DH called me to ask what the deal was.  I responded to my sister and said that when I told her to have fiancé call I didn't mean to send a vague facebook message, that he can go to the courtdate on his own, request a public defendant, proceed pro se, or call DH's office to set up an appointment to work it out and discuss a payment plan since DH and I are already out of pocket about $1000 paying for the work done by DH's staff on the divorce that this may have screwed up.

    her response. . . . . "I asked for advice, did what you told me to, and you're still mad, I just can't ever win with you. I'm still wrong as usual"  I told her not to start that nonsense with me again and she hasn't responded since. . .  . oh well!

    kimmiinthemitten
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    kaos16 said:





    I know I always refer back to my Nar Anon lessons, and here I go again.

    You're doing your sister a favor, even if it doesn't feel like it to either of you.  When you (or anyone else) swoops in and saves her, she has no involvement in the outcome, no behavior or outcome to take pride in.  The only way she can grow and learn from this situation is to deal with it herself.  Do we all want a get out of jail free card when we screw up?  Of course, but all that does is guarantee we screw up again.

    Hugs to you for having to go through this and deal with what sounds like a manipulative permanent victim.  Just remember that manipulation is a fine tuned skill and it's artists are masters at painting the picture they want you to see.





    I think in the big picture, my mom is the enabler of my sister.  When she described the story to me, she also blamed the 14 year old.  I tried to explain to her that she is 14 and needs a parent, not a friend, that someone needs to be responsible for her.

    I did get into a fight with my sister last night.  We only ever really talk through text, because she often claims conversations were different than they were, so I like to have a record.  When she asked me the legal questions my response was "have your fiancé call the lawyer at DH's firm and ask her about it."  Instead, she took it upon herself to send that lawyer a facebook message that was a picture of what her fiancé was served with, an explanation blaming the teenager, and a text from her fiancé's ex regarding custody. . . . no explanation or question or anything.  Obviously DH called me to ask what the deal was.  I responded to my sister and said that when I told her to have fiancé call I didn't mean to send a vague facebook message, that he can go to the courtdate on his own, request a public defendant, proceed pro se, or call DH's office to set up an appointment to work it out and discuss a payment plan since DH and I are already out of pocket about $1000 paying for the work done by DH's staff on the divorce that this may have screwed up.

    her response. . . . . "I asked for advice, did what you told me to, and you're still mad, I just can't ever win with you. I'm still wrong as usual"  I told her not to start that nonsense with me again and she hasn't responded since. . .  . oh well!



    Yeah, her behavior sounds a lot like my addict brother.  When he is couch bouncing and hungry, it's my fault if I don't give him money because I have a job and a house.  Ironically, when he's arrested is the only time he seems to own his behavior.  Gotta love that logic! 

    Enabling in some ways is easier because it feels more like helping more than detachment does, but detachment is such a relief from the stress!  And you're absolutely right about the 14 year old.  She's going to push limits to see what she can get away with and clearly, until the arrests, throwing a kegger was within those boundaries!
    image
    banana468charlotte989875cowgirl8238SP29
  • Ugh. OP I am really sorry you have to deal with this - and also sorry that it is affecting your work. One of my cousins is constantly shirking responsibility for her actions - and blaming everyone else for the consequences. There hasn't been anything criminal, but it is going to affect her toddler son at some point (if it hasn't already). She was always coming to me for advice, and I would spend time and energy giving her advice, which she would then turn around and say my advice wasn't good enough. I realized I was wasting my time and energy - and as harsh as it may sound, I felt like "tough love" was the only way she would eventually grow up and start facing the reality of having to take responsibility. So I let some distance grow between us, stopped giving her advice (and bean dipped when she would start to ask me for advice). I'm not sure how it's been working out for her, but my stress level has certainly improved. 

    I think your best bet would be to apply the "not my monkeys, not my circus" philosophy - especially since it has started affecting your job.

    Hugs for you. 
    short+sassykimmiinthemitten
  • Your sister isn't going to succeed that way.  So maybe PPs are right that putting up the distance may help.   

    -Based on what you said, your sister is going to refuse to accept blame.  I don't have any background in counseling but I have to imagine that attempting to try to please her isn't helping you or her.

    -She's either going to ultimately realize that she needs to take responsibility for her actions or she's only going to surround herself with those that enable her unaccountable behavior.  I've seen my MIL deal with her older sister who still doesn't take responsibility and at 70 years old, never will.  Some people are constant children.

    Tough love and putting up walls can make you feel  guilty but you also need to make sure that your own paycheck comes in!


    Thenimage Nowimage
    cowgirl8238
  • divarhddivarhd member
    10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its


    I'm confused..why is she engaged to someone who is not even legally divorced yet? Big red flag in my book.


    Happens all the time!
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 3/24/18
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