Pre-wedding Parties

Future MIL Overtaking Shower

Ok...so my fiance and I are getting married in August 2017. We are paying for most of the wedding ourselves - both sides of the family gave us some money, but we are paying for more than 50%. When the time came for my MOH to plan the Bridal Shower, my mom let me know that after the money she already gave me, she couldn't afford to pay for anything else. I told her that that was totally fine, I had extra money in my budget, and I could contribute to the shower if needed. My MOH and I sat down, discussed the situation, and we decided to have a small shower at my house and that I could take care of the food and my MOH would plan the rest with the BM's. I sent my MOH a guest list, as she requested, and that was it. 
When my future MIL found out I 'had my hand in' the shower, she freaked. She also demanded that I have a larger shower and invite all of my fiance's cousins (I invited all of the Aunt's from both sides, BM's, close friends of mine and stopped there). I told her no and then she decided that she should throw me a separate shower, all by herself, exclusively for my fiance's side of the family if I was 'ok with it'. I again told her no - it's not like she wants to throw me a shower out of the goodness of her heart, she just wants to get her way. 
My fiance got involved at my request and told her to back off because it's our wedding and, as the bride, my say is final -- but she's still pushing and told my fiance that if we don't invite these cousins who are EXPECTING a shower invite, then the family will label us as the 'black sheep' for doing something differently. 
I don't want to let my future MIL walk all over me (she's already made other demands that we have said no to), but my fiance is worried that she's serious and people will be offended and potentially not even come to our wedding if they're not invited. I'm of the opinion that expecting an invite to anything, such as a Bridal Shower, is extremely rude and do not want to encourage this type of behavior. 
Thoughts on this? We're supposed to have a discussion about this during the upcoming weekend face-to-face and I'm not sure what to do or say.
Thanks!

Re: Future MIL Overtaking Shower



  • Ok...so my fiance and I are getting married in August 2017. We are paying for most of the wedding ourselves - both sides of the family gave us some money, but we are paying for more than 50%. When the time came for my MOH to plan the Bridal Shower, my mom let me know that after the money she already gave me, she couldn't afford to pay for anything else. I told her that that was totally fine, I had extra money in my budget, and I could contribute to the shower if needed. My MOH and I sat down, discussed the situation, and we decided to have a small shower at my house and that I could take care of the food and my MOH would plan the rest with the BM's. I sent my MOH a guest list, as she requested, and that was it. 
    When my future MIL found out I 'had my hand in' the shower, she freaked. She also demanded that I have a larger shower and invite all of my fiance's cousins (I invited all of the Aunt's from both sides, BM's, close friends of mine and stopped there). I told her no and then she decided that she should throw me a separate shower, all by herself, exclusively for my fiance's side of the family if I was 'ok with it'. I again told her no - it's not like she wants to throw me a shower out of the goodness of her heart, she just wants to get her way. 
    My fiance got involved at my request and told her to back off because it's our wedding and, as the bride, my say is final -- but she's still pushing and told my fiance that if we don't invite these cousins who are EXPECTING a shower invite, then the family will label us as the 'black sheep' for doing something differently. 
    I don't want to let my future MIL walk all over me (she's already made other demands that we have said no to), but my fiance is worried that she's serious and people will be offended and potentially not even come to our wedding if they're not invited. I'm of the opinion that expecting an invite to anything, such as a Bridal Shower, is extremely rude and do not want to encourage this type of behavior. 
    Thoughts on this? We're supposed to have a discussion about this during the upcoming weekend face-to-face and I'm not sure what to do or say.
    Thanks!


    A lot going on; I agree that you really shouldn't be planning/contributing to your own shower. It sounds like you're trying to lessen the burden on your MOH, but really you shouldn't be throwing your own party. 

    As for the party your FMIL wants to throw; if you don't want to have another shower, then politely continue to decline. If you really don't want to do it, you don't have to.

    However, one thing to think about; if she really wants to throw this party for you, if it will create or exacerbate tensions between you and her, is declining really worth it? Maybe it is and that's absolutely fine. But if this will make things worse in the future, is it really that big of a deal? 
    InLoveInQueensernursejSP29
  • I'm a little confused...is your FMIL wanting to throw a second shower, or wanting to make the one your mom & MOH are planning a bigger one?

    You're free to accept or decline any shower offers you want (I declined one from MIL because showers make me feel awkward; she knew I probably didn't want one when she asked), but if you accept someone's offer to host a party for you, your only contribution should be the guest list. I also think it would be acceptable to discuss things you absolutely do not want (like games that may make you feel embarrassed, etc) but if she wants to invite your FI's cousins, it's her party. 

    @charlotte989875 also makes a good point in that you may want to weigh your options to decide if this is a hill you want to die on. This woman will be your MIL and you will be family. Is it worth hurting her feelings? 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensernursej
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    You definitely should not have had any involvement in the planning of your shower. Your MIL is absolutely right on this count. 

    Listen, this woman is going to be in your life for a very long time. Is this really the hill you want to die on? She wants to throw you a separate shower on her dime so that your FI's cousins can be included. I really can't fault her for that. I get it. In my family, aunts and cousins are always invited to showers. 

    Do you really want to start your marriage/relationship with his family like this? Just let her throw you the shower. I don't see what the big deal is. It seems more like you just want to fight with her. 

    image
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensahoywedding
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Ditto PPs.  You shouldn't have anything to do with your shower, aside from asking the host how many people they are comfortable hosting and then giving a guest list to them.  Don't make an enemy of this woman. She's going to be in your life for a very long time, and some of what you said came off as being antagonistic for the sake of being antagonistic.  Your MIL was right in that you shouldn't have "had a hand" in planning your own shower. If she wants to throw you another shower, let her.  This is not a hill to die on unless you weren't inviting those cousins and family members to begin with (anyone invited to a pre-wedding event must also be invited to the wedding). 


    image
  • You know your FILs and their customs/expectations better than us.  Like some PPs, I have a large family with lots of females (mom, sisters, aunts, cousins) and we all attend showers together.  If your FI is worried his family members will be offended to the point of not attending your wedding, I'd attend the shower with his family.  The pre-wedding parties and wedding will be over soon, but you're going to be a member of this family for a very long time.
  • I agree with PPs.  As long as you don't have any firm personal reason to decline FMIL's shower (ie, extreme social anxiety and you don't know any of these women), and the guests she's inviting will be invited to your wedding, I'd think about accepting.  Every family has its own dynamics, even if they seem ridiculous to outsiders.  Your FI may or may not know how important this is to his family (if men typically aren't included in his family's showers, he may not understand how important this cousin-invite rule is).  While it is important to say "no" and set appropriate boundaries with your families, that doesn't mean you need to say "no" to everything--pick your battles.  FMIL wants to wear a white ballgown to your wedding?  Fine.  FMIL wants to dictate how you raise your future children?  No--stand your ground.
    If you still feel that FMIL is overreacting about the shower and you would rather die than attend, make sure you and FI are united in your decision (which it sounds like he's backing you up, so good for him) and be prepared for any fallout from his family.
  • I guess I don't see what's so wrong. She wants to throw you a shower in which more of his family can attend. And she's willing to plan or pay for it. I would think about accepting. 
    lnixon8STARMOON44InLoveInQueensILoveBeachMusic
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with PPs that you should not plan your own shower.

    But while I can understand your not wanting to give into heavy-handedness from your FMIL, your absolute refusal to let her host a shower for you could have done your relationship long-term damage. So I would have compromised by agreeing to the shower in exchange for a concession from your FMIL. But that's me.
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