Wedding Shower?

Knottie518020bf8087a5d0

I'm getting married this October, and my fiance and I were discussing having an engagement party/wedding shower in July. We weren't planning to invite all of the wedding guests, mainly just immediate family, the bridal party, and a few closer friends. His sister had said it's common to have a wedding shower for gifts and then guests give cash for a gift at the actual wedding. I have never heard of this. Has anyone else done this? I kind of feel like it would be tacky to expect people to give a physical gift AND cash. We did agree it would be nice to get people together before the wedding to celebrate, though.

EDIT: Clarification: our mothers want to throw the party and we were discussing if we actually want it to be a "shower" or not as well as who would be invited, since I had never heard of a "wedding shower". We're not trying to throw a wedding party for ourselves.

banana468

Knottie518020bf8087a5d0 said:

I'm getting married this October, and my fiance and I were discussing having an engagement party/wedding shower in July. We weren't planning to invite all of the wedding guests, mainly just immediate family, the bridal party, and a few closer friends. His sister had said it's common to have a wedding shower for gifts and then guests give cash for a gift at the actual wedding. I have never heard of this. Has anyone else done this? I kind of feel like it would be tacky to expect people to give a physical gift AND cash. We just thought it would be nice to get people together before the wedding to celebrate.

A few things:
1) You and your FI shouldn't have a hand in planning any showers or engagement parties.   Those are thrown FOR you but not by you two.   If someone offers to throw a party for you then that's great.   If no one offers then you don't get one.

2) If you're already engaged then this summer would be way too late for an engagement party.   Engagement parties are held shortly after the engagement and not very close to the wedding unless the engagement itself is super short.

3) If someone DOES offer to throw you a shower or pre-wedding event of some type then it would make sense to register.  The way guests give gifts seems to be dependent on the social circle / area.   Where I live, I give a shower gift for the shower (if I'm invited) and for the wedding DH and I usually write a check.  We don't bring any gifts to the wedding other than a card with an envelope in it.   That was fairly true for our wedding.   We had two showers and received gifts at the showers, mostly envelopes with checks / cash at the wedding.   A lot of guests create a wedding budget and the shower gift comes out of the overall budget with the balance going to a wedding gift.   

4) If you want to get friends and family together, just do it.   Don't name it.   Just have a party for the sake of a party.  

lnixon8

Showers and engagement parties are thrown for you, not by you. You should not throw them yourself nor tell anyone that they have to. It's tacky to throw a party honoring yourself.

If someone offers then showers are gift giving occasions. Wedding presents depend on your social circle: some are almost all cash, some all gifts from a registry, some a mix of both. Most (not all) of your guests will bring a gift to the wedding whether or not they brought a shower gift already.

That being said you can certainly throw a party or get together for your families and friends, just take the wedding part out of it.

Knottie518020bf8087a5d0

Clarification added.

climbingwife

Ditto the PPs. A shower (or an engagement party) is a party thrown for you by someone else. It's tacky to throw a party like this for yourself. 

It seems a little odd to have an engagement party 3 months before your wedding. But if you want to get everyone together, just invite them over for a regular party. 

If someone offers to throw you a shower, great. Register for some gifts. Typically what's done in my circle is we bring a gift to the shower and a cash gift to the wedding. 

Knottie518020bf8087a5d0

Thanks for the input. As I clarified, our mothers want to throw the party. Maybe it's a bit unconventional, but even with the party being thrown for us, we would like to have input in some of the planning (i.e. food, who's invited), but I apologize for my original wording confusing anyone. Even I know enough to not throw a wedding party for ourselves!   
But anyway. We'll probably just let them go for it, since we didn't do an actual engagement party and I have zero interest in the bridal shower my MOH and mom were talking about (don't attack me). But from your comments it seems to be normal to have a registry for any type of shower occurring before the wedding, which was really what my main concern was.

sparklepants41

OP, PPs have it covered. I just want to add that anyone invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding. 

SP29

No one here would attack you for not wanting a shower- it is perfectly OK to decline one if you don't want one.

But you DO seem to be OK with your families throwing you a "pre-wedding" party, of which engagement and shower are really your only options. You can have a couples shower. Of course you can have a party at any time for any reason, so it doesn't need to have a wedding-related title attached to it.

If you do have a shower- you should have a registry. Showers are gift giving events. You don't get to say when people can or cannot give you gifts, and it is common that guests will give a shower gift and wedding gift (usually physical and then cash gift- but this varies based on your circle), so if you don't want a party that is for gift giving, don't have a shower. You could also have a tea or luncheon, which doesn't directly ask for gifts, though you may still receive some.

eileenrob

Knottie518020bf8087a5d0 said:

Thanks for the input. As I clarified, our mothers want to throw the party. Maybe it's a bit unconventional, but even with the party being thrown for us, we would like to have input in some of the planning (i.e. food, who's invited), but I apologize for my original wording confusing anyone. Even I know enough to not throw a wedding party for ourselves!   
But anyway. We'll probably just let them go for it, since we didn't do an actual engagement party and I have zero interest in the bridal shower my MOH and mom were talking about (don't attack me). But from your comments it seems to be normal to have a registry for any type of shower occurring before the wedding, which was really what my main concern was.

Yeah what most guests invited will think when they attend is "this is a couples shower". If there was absolutely no mention of your wedding, it'd just be a party.  Showers definitely have registries.  Like some PP, in my circle it's physical gifts at showers and cash/checks at the wedding itself.  There were 175 guests at my wedding, and we received two physical gifts.

ahoywedding

When my cousin got married, her mom wanted to throw a shower but she didn't want one. They settled on a couples' party at her parents' house, with the aim of introducing both families and sets of important friends before the wedding. They played yard games, had a BBQ, etc. I can't remember if they got gifts or not, but if the party isn't called a "shower," guests won't be looking for a registry. HOWEVER, depending on your circle, some people bring gifts for everything (this is my family). In that case, you may want a smaller-ish registry just so your guests can purchase gifts they know you'd like. 

Also, like PPs have said...let someone who offers host the party. You can supply the guest list (everyone should be invited to the wedding!) and of course if they ask questions about preferences, etc.