In-Law Issues - Really Long Post***

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51

His family is against therapy. 

bleve0821

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

There's a difference between not being able to afford it and not wanting to spend the money. it's  not about appearing to a charity case, if his family needed help paying for the trip, he would of figured out a way to help. 

Okay, so that says to me you still don't understand that you're trying to dictate how and when and on what your FILs spend their own money.  The difference isn't between means and desire.  If they have the means but lack the desire, there is no one and nothing in the world who can force them to spend this money on something they don't want to do.  Some people really just don't think weddings are worth the cost of attending, no matter if it's their fraternal twin or their "firstborn."  If your FILs have the desire but lack the means, then that's on you for not completely accommodating their means in your plans.  They are under no obligation to accept money from you and FI, and forcing it upon them would likely have not been a workable solution because that would not have changed they way they felt before this whole thing blew up.  MIL still would have felt like you didn't want her there because the location for the DW was outside of her means, and now she IS a charity case because you're paying for her to be there.

Does it suck that you think they have the means and they are clearly expressing no desire to attend your wedding?  Sure, I agree that does suck.  But in no way shape or form are you or FI in the right for your behavior towards them.  You can't force them to attend.  Stop judging them for not wanting to attend.  Stop trying to justify your position by making assumptions about their means and desires.  Stop trying to blame the total communication breakdown between everyone involved solely on them.

You want them there, they don't want to spend the money to be there.  But, since they've since been uninvited, I think this whole thing is moot.

geebee908

Are you providing for all their meals and other expenses while they're there? The islands aren't inexpensive places to eat. Is FMIL factoring in the expenses of staying there for several days? Your figure only includes hotel and airfare for 3 people and doesn't seem particularly realistic.

DrillSergeantCat

geebee908 said:

Are you providing for all their meals and other expenses while they're there? The islands aren't inexpensive places to eat. Is FMIL factoring in the expenses of staying there for several days? Your figure only includes hotel and airfare for 3 people and doesn't seem particularly realistic.

It was for an all-inclusive resort, so I'd assume meals are included.

flantastic

charlotte989875 said:

Your FILs are entitled to their feelings, as illogical as they may seem to you. So you can continue to argue they shouldn't feel this way or you (and your FI) can start to deal with the consequences of their feelings and your FIs overreaction to them. You can continue to complain they're not coming or you (again the two of you) can deal with them as adults, apologize for your role in the problem and move forward. I'm just not sure where continuing  to say they're wrong is going to get you. 

Yep. Your FI has done some hurtful things here, namely uninviting them because his (and your) definition of what should be more important to them than anything else isn't being met. Now even if they were the only ones in the wrong before, you both are.

And as I mentioned before, you keep saying they don't have the desire to go. Maybe they don't, now that they've been uninvited. But I seriously doubt that they didn't want to go before. They did want to go, and when they brought up the "whose idea was this?" they were probably reacting out of sadness that you made it so expensive for them. It's not that they didn't have some desire, it's just that they weren't going to totally upend everything in their life to make this trip happen. If you don't think that's enough desire, you're entitled to that feeling (and honestly, I think entitled in your attitude), but own that you didn't make it as easy as your could have, your FI reacted poorly, and feeling those things/dwelling on them isn't going to fix your relationship with ILs. That's also your choice.

Yes, I consulted all VIPs about time and location of wedding.

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51

You're absolutely right. Just to be clear I haven't tried to force them to come.

I made the assumption that the location would not be an issue. I was wrong.

Overall I'm just disappointed in the whole situation. What has been said/done cannot be taken back. As far as FI, I agree with his actions being rude and uncalled for. From the conversation I had with him he was pretty hurt and lashed out. Something I'm sure we're all guilty of at one point. It's not that he cannot apologize, he just knows that it'll be a patch job and the real issues within his family will still linger. Uninviting them was an easier pill for him to swallow than seeing them pretend to be happy for him. A call I didn't think was his to make but he made it. He maintains that they were not/are not genuinely happy for him and his mon's phone call was her way of letting him know without saying it.

Hopefully one day we'll all be able to move past this. 

Thanks!

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51

Everything is included in the price, as it is an all inclusive resort. It sounds unrealistic but it is not. Both my mother and sister booked their tickets for less than $450 each and hotel for 4 nights for 2 people for about $336. Breakfast, snack and dinner are all included.

LondonLisa

6fsn said:

What does FL stand for?  I keep going back and forth between future lover and Florida. 

climbingsingle

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

His family is against therapy. 

I meant couples therapy, not therapy with his parents. 

geebee908

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

Everything is included in the price, as it is an all inclusive resort. It sounds unrealistic but it is not. Both my mother and sister booked their tickets for less than $450 each and hotel for 4 nights for 2 people for about $336. Breakfast, snack and dinner are all included.

An AI for $84/night for 2 people. You'd be hard-pressed to find a decent hotel in the US for that.

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51

$84 per night and at 4.5 stars. Couldn't tell the last time I found a hotel stateside with those numbers. 

CMGragain

Knottiec917cf2aa0a4cf51 said:

My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years. We have one child together. Throughout our relationship we've gotten to know each other's family. Early on in the relationship, I used to stay at his house and was practically living there part time when I was pregnant. His family and I got along pretty well and I once heard his mom refer to me as her daughter. I would tell my friends about his mom and I's relationship and they'd always tell me it wasn't so smooth with their boyfriends' moms. My fiancé's mom was really excited about us having our child, her first grandchild; so imagine my surprise once our son was born and everything started changing. In the short version my fiancé's mom thought she knew how to raise my son better than I did and would constantly cause unnecessary drama. Things finally came to a head one evening and my fiancé told her, according to her she wouldn't see our son again. Eventually they made up. I made a conscious effort to put the past behind me and continue to build our relationship. Things were fine.

Last fall we got engaged. I asked my fiancé where he would tell his parents and he said in due time. He's a man of few words and moves on his time when it comes to sharing life events. (He didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until about 14-16 weeks along). His mother's 50th birthday was coming up and I encouraged him to surprise her and bring the baby. I happened to be visiting my family the same weekend so we all ended up going. After the festivities, he broke the news to his mom, dad, brother and sister. In that moment everyone seemed happy and offered congratulations. That was months ago. One evening we're sitting down after dinner and fiancé gets a call. It's his mother asking who's idea was it for us to have a destination wedding and how expensive the tickets are. They had a 4 family package with an all inclusive hotel plus flight and airport pickup/drop accommodations for 5 days for $4,000. It may seem like a lot but it was more reasonable than them flying to our state and spending the same amount of money. We chose a destination wedding because we are paying for the wedding alone and couldn't afford to have a wedding in the states. Also, we thought it'd be a great way for everyone to really take a vacation, reconnect with family and relax themselves. 

Anyhow, she kept badgering him about who's idea was it and the cost. He had already told her it was his and she actually said no it wasn't. So he kept asking her what would she like him to do. She just continued harping. Because he was getting really upset I took our son upstairs so he could have privacy to finish speaking with his mom. He came upstairs a while later and started going off about how he knew this would happen, blah blah blah. Since I didn't know what else to say I asked if he would like me to cancel the wedding. He went outside to vent some more and I gave him space that night. The next day I find out he uninvited his parents and brother to the wedding via text. I told him he was wrong for bringing his father and brother into it when his mom was the one who called. He told me that they were all in agreement and his mom was just the voice. I asked how he knew that and he said neither his dad nor the brother called or texted him back. I said what did you want them to reply? He asked me if my brother didn't know about the conversation I had with my mom but got a text saying he was uninvited, would he call me right away and ask what was going on. Knowing my siblings they would. He said the only reason they didn't text back was because they were all upset about having to spend money to come to our wedding. So instead of them having to spend the money, he'd just be the bad guy and uninvite them.  

Calls from his cousin confirmed what he told me. But not only that I found out his family was upset about a lot of things concerning the wedding and even back to him moving out when we had our son. They were saying things like they bet my mom knew about the wedding first, I was being inconsiderate having a destination wedding, they weren't included in the wedding plans (although his brother was going to be the best man and his sister the flower girl) and so on. Mind you, they were the only people who were told in person of our upcoming nuptials. They were the first to receive the details. Anyhow my fiancé told me he knew they weren't genuinely happy the day we broke the news and it isn't about money, they're just mad they don't have a say so in anything. He originally agreed to reach out to his dad and brother to re-invite them but once he heard all they had to say behind his back, he said forget it. I tried reaching out to his family to explain how hurt he was over the whole situation. His mom actually said he has nothing to be hurt about and he is the one who hurt her. Both her and the brother told me they didn't plan on apologizing to him and if he wanted them at the wedding he needs to call. 

Fiancé says it doesn't matter whether they come or not because he won't forget the fact that they're not genuinely happy for him. I told him he may regret it if on our wedding day he looks out, my whole family is there and his parents/brother aren't but he says he's over it. It's less than two months before our wedding and it seems as thought they're really sticking to it and not coming to the wedding. I've been trying to put it out my mind but some days, as you see by this post, it really bothers me. Not only does he not have their support but after 9 years and a child, it hurts knowing they aren't willing to support us. Out of all the guests we invited, they're the only ones who had such things to say... at least to our faces.

I guess I'm not actually asking what to do but just how can I work through this? I just don't even know what I actually need.

Sorry for the long post!!! I just needed to get it out.

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(SIB)  Your FI's actions are rude and inexcusable.  Uninviting his family was entirely his own action.  He needs to apologize.

You should not have called his family.  This was a big mistake on your part.  In the future, stay out of his family squabbles.

There is nothing wrong with your planning a destination wedding.  There is everything wrong with your attitude that ANYONE owes it to you to attend.  If anyone - including family - says that they cannot attend, for whatever reason, you must graciously accept their decision.  No guilt trips.  No judging from you.

If your FI has decided that he does not want his family at your wedding, then you can either accept his decision, or you can cancel the wedding.  I would think long and hard before marrying someone with these emotional issues, and I know all about family drama!

If your FI decides to apologize to his family (the mature thing to do), then you can continue with your plans as if this never happened.

You cannot change people.  You cannot control people.  You cannot make financial decisions for other people, especially relatives.

I suggest that you stop listening to family gossip on the grapevine.  It is not productive.  Remember that these people will be your future family, like them, or not.  They will not change for you.  You need to develop a strategy to accept them as they are, and possibly make boundary rules.  If you keep sticking your nose into family squabbles, you will regret it.