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Large family--> where to draw the "cut off"

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Re: Large family--> where to draw the "cut off"

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    Do you have a favorite uncle or aunt? It may help to limit cousins by nuclear family (unless you know this would turn into a fight among your parents' siblings). Are your parents godparents to any of your cousins, or otherwise closer? You might want to talk to your parents about this.

    FWIW, I completely understand wanting to limit the number of people there....my venue fits 200, and I gave a hard cap of 150 even when I wasn't paying for all the guests, just because I was overwhelmed by any more than that. Some people were insulted not to be invited, but FI & I weren't close enough to them to even know that except by word of mouth.
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    But why not cake and punch? Why can you not scale back and invite everyone? Just own the fact that your vision is more important than having these people there. Because that is what you are saying. You want 30 'young people' to make your party fun, not 30 specific people you want for their company. That is treating people like props, and that is not OK.








    I do want 30 specific people... 30 cousins to be exact; I wish I had a smaller family and then this would be a non-issue. I could invite 30  "friends" and be done with it. But I would rather have my family there. Unfortunately my budget and time frame (can't have tea and cake in the park during the winter) are the issues, not my "vision."  






    Maybe I'm not understanding correctly; why can't you just invite these 30 cousins?




    I don't know how to "choose" which 30 cousins to invite. I think it would cause more drama to decide based off of closeness or liking one over the other than picking some arbitrary rule. 


    So then you don't have 30 specific people? Again I'm confused as you previous post said you have 30 specific cousins you want to invite. Why not just invite those cousins?
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    edited April 2017
    We originally decided to invite 0 cousins when we first went over our budget and found a venue... after finalizing guest list, we realized there were less friends that we actually wanted to invite (no reason to invite people if you don't actually want them there). With that being said, we would rather invite family over friends. It's not that I'm not close to my cousins (see them 10+) times a year if not more, I'm just not more close to certain ones. I understand everyone thinks a rule is arbitrary. I get it. Thank you for your advice, it is very helpful. 
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    Do you have a favorite uncle or aunt? It may help to limit cousins by nuclear family (unless you know this would turn into a fight among your parents' siblings). Are your parents godparents to any of your cousins, or otherwise closer? You might want to talk to your parents about this.

    FWIW, I completely understand wanting to limit the number of people there....my venue fits 200, and I gave a hard cap of 150 even when I wasn't paying for all the guests, just because I was overwhelmed by any more than that. Some people were insulted not to be invited, but FI & I weren't close enough to them to even know that except by word of mouth.


    Yeah that would create a whole lot of problems... My parents were actually the ones who suggesting the "cut off."  They thought everyone would understand as the family gets older it will be impossible to invite everyone.

    I honestly don't think there will be much drama, if I change the normal "rule," but if I decide based on "level of closeness" shit will hit the fan.

    Thank you for your advice!! 
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    MobKaz said:



    I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

    I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?






    Yes we could absolutely, but with the extra "room" available I would have rather invited family over friends.

    Upgrading other areas could be great, thank you!




    What? To me that makes zero sense. Inviting your friends means that you have a younger crowd of people who you're close to. Since you can't seem to come up with a number of cousins you're especially close to, using the "room" for family instead of friends just seems arbitrary.

    What's so special about them being family if you're not as close to them? What makes friends less special than family you're not close to? And if family is so important, I'm not understanding why the planning didn't start with "we have X budget, how can we host all the family?"


    We have invited all of our close friends, I don't want to invite "friends" (aka people I haven't talked to, or don't plan on continuing our friendship). I could definitely leave the extra "room" alone, and invite none of them. I would just love if more of my family was able to be there!
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    MobKaz said:




    I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

    I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?








    Yes we could absolutely, but with the extra "room" available I would have rather invited family over friends.

    Upgrading other areas could be great, thank you!






    What? To me that makes zero sense. Inviting your friends means that you have a younger crowd of people who you're close to. Since you can't seem to come up with a number of cousins you're especially close to, using the "room" for family instead of friends just seems arbitrary.

    What's so special about them being family if you're not as close to them? What makes friends less special than family you're not close to? And if family is so important, I'm not understanding why the planning didn't start with "we have X budget, how can we host all the family?"




    We have invited all of our close friends, I don't want to invite "friends" (aka people I haven't talked to, or don't plan on continuing our friendship). I could definitely leave the extra "room" alone, and invite none of them. I would just love if more of my family was able to be there!


    I am so confused. To the bolded, that isn't what a friend is. Do you honestly think we are saying invite people you aren't close with? If you have reached the end of your guest list and space, and cannot close your eyes and think of up to 15 more people that you want there more than any others, then congrats, you are done with the guest list. 

    If you can't decide, and are this anxious about making a decision, just call it and be done with it.

    I can't tell you to invite Susan over Jane. But if you physically cannot make any decision of which 15 people, then just leave well enough alone. Because it seems like you are just looking for us to give you a rule to take it out of your hands so you aren't to blame for the results. 

    Unfortunately, this is a decision you are just going to have to make and be responsible for, or else you are not going to fill those 30 spaces. 
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    MobKaz said:





    I guess I'm confused.  In a prior post, you said, "understand the reasoning behind the "all or none" rule, but I would like for some of my cousins to be there... we would also like to have a younger crowd. With the large amount of aunts and uncles we are unable to invite a lot of friends. 

    I still think it might be easiest to invite a few remaining friends rather than open up Pandora's box with the cousin dilemma.   Could you leave the guest list as is and use the remaining budget to upgrade some foods or beverages?










    Yes we could absolutely, but with the extra "room" available I would have rather invited family over friends.

    Upgrading other areas could be great, thank you!








    What? To me that makes zero sense. Inviting your friends means that you have a younger crowd of people who you're close to. Since you can't seem to come up with a number of cousins you're especially close to, using the "room" for family instead of friends just seems arbitrary.

    What's so special about them being family if you're not as close to them? What makes friends less special than family you're not close to? And if family is so important, I'm not understanding why the planning didn't start with "we have X budget, how can we host all the family?"






    We have invited all of our close friends, I don't want to invite "friends" (aka people I haven't talked to, or don't plan on continuing our friendship). I could definitely leave the extra "room" alone, and invite none of them. I would just love if more of my family was able to be there!




    I am so confused. To the bolded, that isn't what a friend is. Do you honestly think we are saying invite people you aren't close with? If you have reached the end of your guest list and space, and cannot close your eyes and think of up to 15 more people that you want there more than any others, then congrats, you are done with the guest list. 

    If you can't decide, and are this anxious about making a decision, just call it and be done with it.

    I can't tell you to invite Susan over Jane. But if you physically cannot make any decision of which 15 people, then just leave well enough alone. Because it seems like you are just looking for us to give you a rule to take it out of your hands so you aren't to blame for the results. 

    Unfortunately, this is a decision you are just going to have to make and be responsible for, or else you are not going to fill those 30 spaces. 


    Many kept suggesting to invite more friends instead of inviting specific cousins (to erase the drama)... We have already invited all of the friends that we wanted, so to invite more "friends" would mean inviting people that we would truly not want to be there. Which I think is weird/wrong. Inviting my cousins (who I see 10+ times a year, and are family) makes more sense than filling up the guests with more "friends"

    Yes, I will have to make a decision and live with it 
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    MobKaz said:








    MobKaz said:








































    MobKaz said:







    Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

    Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.














    Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 












    Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

    No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 










    No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!








    To be fair, you posed this question on the etiquette forum.  If not here, then where?






    I simply meant many of you may think an age cut off is "not okay," but with my family it is the norm. 




    Again, because this is an ETIQUETTE forum, most of us will indeed argue that an age cut off is absolutely not OK.  Even though you are asking the responders on THIS board whether your plan is rude, you are telling us that rude is the norm in your family.  

    What was the point of this post then?


    That is not my for sure plan (just an idea) I was more asking for suggestions/advice on what to do. 

    But, yes you (and others) can consider it rude. But when you have 75 first cousins and 17 aunts/uncles, it is normal/accepted. There is just no way to invite everyone. 
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    edited April 2017








    We originally decided to invite 0 cousins when we first went over our budget and found a venue... after finalizing guest list, we realized there were less friends that we actually wanted to invite (no reason to invite people if you don't actually want them there). With that being said, we would rather invite family over friends. It's not that I'm not close to my cousins (see them 10+) times a year if not more, I'm just not more close to certain ones. I understand everyone thinks a rule is arbitrary. I get it. Thank you for your advice, it is very helpful. 
    I wouldn't want to pick and choose the cousins to invite to your wedding. I'd go with all or none. Inviting only the married cousins is hurtful and rude. 


    How many friends do you have on your list? If you eliminate the friends and push the venue capacity to it's max, will you have enough chairs to invite all the (adult) cousins and their SOs? If yes, eliminate the dj, if you have one, since there won't be room for dancing. That will free up more of your budget to  feed your guests. If your venue is supplying the food, adjust the menu to reduce per person costs. If you are allowed to hire an outside caterer, consider a cake, finger foods, punch open house reception. Skip centerpieces, favors and rehearsal dinner. 

                       
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    MobKaz said:








    MobKaz said:
















    MobKaz said:
























































    MobKaz said:









    Although this does not help you, I have to wonder why you didn't consider your guest list prior to selecting your venue?  The very first thing we suggest brides do is consider their guest list and budget first, and make all determinations from there.  Selecting your venue prior to creating your guest list has caused this conundrum.  

    Are you paying for your own wedding?  I guess I am struggling with why you would not invite your friends.  It seems it would be easier to invite the friends you want rather than create hurt feelings by making an arbitrary line in the sand with cousins.


















    Guest list was never the issue..it was the budget (we would invite who we could invite with the budget we had). We could only afford a certain venue, and that venue came with a restriction (175 people). At first we weren't going to invite any cousins, but after we invited the rest of the family and our friends we are still able to invite more. We can invite about 30 more, so obviously not all 75 cousins can be invited. 
















    Cancel the venue, have afternoon tea and cake in a local park for whomever you want to invite. That should free up your budget. 

    No one is going to tell you an age cut off is ok. 














    No one, especially on this forum, needs to tell me an age cut off is okay. It is accepted in my family. I was just curious if anyone else has had similar dilemmas/advice on the matter. Thank you for yours!












    To be fair, you posed this question on the etiquette forum.  If not here, then where?










    I simply meant many of you may think an age cut off is "not okay," but with my family it is the norm. 








    Again, because this is an ETIQUETTE forum, most of us will indeed argue that an age cut off is absolutely not OK.  Even though you are asking the responders on THIS board whether your plan is rude, you are telling us that rude is the norm in your family.  

    What was the point of this post then?






    That is not my for sure plan (just an idea) I was more asking for suggestions/advice on what to do. 

    But, yes you (and others) can consider it rude. But when you have 75 first cousins and 17 aunts/uncles, it is normal/accepted. There is just no way to invite everyone. 




    Say what?  Family size and rudeness are not correlated. We do not "consider" it rude.  It IS rude.   You are right.  There is no way to invite everyone.  But there is a way to extend invitations that does not involve being rude.  


    So having a cut off age for children (only 18+ invited) is not "rude".... but increasing the cut off age to 21 and over is? Please explain the difference 
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    You don't have to fill up your venue. Stop trying to fill these 30 spots if there's literally no one specific you want in them. You sound a little anti-social saying that you don't have any other friends you want there (and putting "friends" inside dick quotes like that) and that there are no cousins you feel closer to than others. I can guarantee you that in my large family there are definitely people I like more than others I see the exact same amount.
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    SP29SP29 member
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    adk19 said:












    I think I'm also a little snippy about this whole thing because I'm NOT yet married.  I'm the oldest cousin.  Two thirds of my cousins are married, but I'm NOT.  So because it took me a little longer to find the right person, you're going to punish me?  Because it took us 8 years to decide to get engaged, you're going to punish me?  But my sister gets invited?  Nice.

    I think you should invite only the cousins who don't have kids.  They're going to have problems with childcare if you invite them and not their children, so you should take care of this for them by not inviting them.  Single cousins over 21 are invited, as are married cousins who don't have spawn.  Plus non-parents can hang out longer and give you that party atmosphere you won't get from all the old farts you're inviting.


    THIS is why arbitrary rules are rude. They make no sense. They do not solve hurt feelings. People DO understand that they are not super close with someone, so maybe they don't get invited. But saying, "I really like you, but you're not married, so you can't come" is just whahhhhh???

    No, you don't have to invite everyone. But if you cannot decide on who you are closer to, or if you truly aren't, then it should be all or none.
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