Help us decide on a post-wedding party!

knottieb7d15efea82ba0fb

I know from reading the forums that really-post-wedding receptions are typically frowned upon. And I get it. They’re awful, they feel gift grabby, and the ones I’ve been to never have an open bar. (<- Priorities) So just have an open mind, please

My fiancé (I love saying that!) and I are having a really small wedding. By really small I mean that in attendance will be our parents and our 4 year old. 5 guests total. We are getting married at our favorite semi-local resort and then will be treating our group to dinner at the resort’s restaurant afterwards. 

I found a cute white sundress at Walmart (Don’t judge me it was $5 and it’s lacy) and I might wear my favorite silver cardigan since we’re right by the lake, he’s wearing slacks and a button up shirt. He’s wearing boat shoes I’m wearing blue Keds. No flowers, no music, no unity sand. There will be no bridal party. And since there will not be guests, I’m not having a bridal shower. Our “bachelor/bachelorette party” is a week before; our friends are taking us out for dinner and drinks. No tigers in the hotel room or phallic jewelry.

Now, we are totally happy with this arrangement. Neither of us are spotlight people and we really just enjoy each other’s company and the company of our families.

Our families don’t seem to understand why or how we are so content with this plan and really want a big party to celebrate our marriage, because that’s what they had. They are coming to terms with the wedding being small, but still want that party. We have the money, so we’re going to appease our parents and just do something. I would like more of a “hang out with the newlyweds for a little while” type party instead of a formal reception that takes up our guest’s whole day and whole night. No traditions, no dances, especially no cake (we hate cake). This party would happen about a week to a month after we actually got married, depending on whether or not we jet off for a honeymoon right away. Here are the options that we came up with to try and make everyone happy, tell me what you think? We’re footing the bill, so moms’ opinions don’t carry all that much weight. We just want something that our guests will enjoy.

      1. Renting a suite at a major league baseball game. 200 people, ballpark catering, dessert bar, limited open bar (beer, wine, basic alcohol). 12:00pm – 5:00pm

      2. Having a party at Pinstripes. 200 people, Bowling, Bocce ball, eat-when-you-want-to buffet, dessert bar, full open bar. 5:00pm – 10:00pm

      3. Renting out a restaurant and having a cocktail party. 200 people, full open bar, passed hors d’oeuvres, dessert bar. 6:00pm – 9:00pm (our least favorite option, it just seems too formal for us and the invited kids won’t have any fun, but our moms like it.)

Also, we are not registering because we aren’t having a shower, will people still bring gifts to the party? We want to make sure that doesn’t happen, I have enough frying pans and bed sheets to last us a lifetime, but is putting “no gifts” on the invite rude? I don’t want to seem like they would typically be expected. 

ETA: The "bach party" is really just a get together with our friends. We really didn't want any kind of blow out party, but our friends were adamant about doing something with us before we get hitched. They all know that we are doing the parents-only ceremony and are so understanding, because they know us. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends, so it just made way more sense to us to combine everything and have a fun low key, but kind of nice dinner all together. 

The cost of #1 and #2 are almost identical, and if we add a dinner option to #3 it will also be about the same price. If one was significantly less expensive we wouldn't even have to think twice, because $$$

#1 (along with all of the options) is all inclusive. The price of the suite includes the food, bar, and tickets to the game for all of our guests. I really tried to find options that were simple and didn't require a lot of planning on my part, because I want to have fun, too!! 

Also, the shower thing is handled. Mostly because my cousin wanted to host it and I did NOT want to stare down that kind of trainwreck, but it was nice to have the excuse of a no-guest wedding to assist in the decline!

STARMOON44

Option 1 sounds really fun to me!

putting "no gifts" on the invitation is rude for exactly the reason you mention. People may give gifts, they may not, you just say thanks and do what you want with it. 

southernbelle0915

I actually don't really frown on after-marriage parties as long as guests are fully aware it's not a wedding, the couple isn't pretending to be a B&G, and there's no reenactment. Personally, I don't really understand the after-marriage party thing because if you're going to have the party anyway, just invite people to the ceremony on the same day and be done with it...but etiquette wise, there's nothing wrong with it.

That said, the only etiquette issue I see with your plans is the bach party. Anyone invited to *any* prewedding party needs to be invited to the wedding. If you make it more of just a get together with friends and not wedding related, I see no issue with it. 

All three of your options sound awesome. If you do option 3 though, you need more than just apps. You need food that makes a meal. 6pm is dinner time for most people.

charlotte989875

I would love #1 and that sounds seriously like an awesome time. 

I think your plans sound great; everyone knows about the wedding/you're upfront about the party being a celebration of marriage, people are hosted well, sounds great. 

If you're friends know they're not invited to the wedding and want to host a bachelor/ette party I see no reason why you shouldn't accept. 

LondonLisa

Hknottieb7d15efea82ba0fb said:

I know from reading the forums that really-post-wedding receptions are typically frowned upon. And I get it.

They’re awful, they feel gift grabby, and the ones I’ve been to never have an

open bar. (<- Priorities) So just have an open mind, please

My fiancé (I love saying that!) and I are having a really

small wedding. By really small I mean that in attendance will be our parents

and our 4 year old. 5 guests total. We are getting married at our favorite

semi-local resort and then will be treating our group to dinner at the resort’s

restaurant afterwards. 

I found a cute white sundress at Walmart (Don’t judge me it

was $5 and it’s lacy) and I might wear my favorite silver cardigan since we’re

right by the lake, he’s wearing slacks and a button up shirt. He’s wearing boat

shoes I’m wearing blue Keds. No flowers, no music, no unity sand. There will be

no bridal party. And since there will not be guests, I’m not having a bridal

shower. Our “bachelor/bachelorette party” is a week before; our friends are taking

us out for dinner and drinks. No tigers in the hotel room or phallic jewelry.

Now, we are totally happy with this arrangement. Neither of us are spotlight people and we really just enjoy each other’s company and the company of our families.

Our families don’t seem to understand why or how we are so

content with this plan and really want a big party to celebrate our marriage,

because that’s what they had. They are coming to terms with the wedding being

small, but still want that party. We have the money, so we’re going to appease

our parents and just do something. I would like more of a “hang out with the

newlyweds for a little while” type party instead of a formal reception that

takes up our guest’s whole day and whole night. No traditions, no dances, especially

no cake (we hate cake). This party would happen about a week to a month after

we actually got married, depending on whether or not we jet off for a honeymoon

right away. Here are the options that we came up with to try and make everyone

happy, tell me what you think? We’re footing the bill, so moms’ opinions don’t

carry all that much weight. We just want something that our guests will enjoy.

      1. Renting a suite at a major league baseball game. 200 people, ballpark catering, dessert bar, limited open bar (beer, wine, basic

alcohol). 12:00pm – 5:00pm

      2. Having a party at Pinstripes. 200 people,

Bowling, Bocce ball, eat-when-you-want-to buffet, dessert bar, full open bar.

5:00pm – 10:00pm

      3. Renting out a restaurant and having a cocktail

party. 200 people, full open bar, passed hors d’oeuvres, dessert bar. 6:00pm –

9:00pm (our least favorite option, it just seems too formal for us and the

invited kids won’t have any fun, but our moms like it.)

Also, we are not registering because we aren’t having a

shower, will people still bring gifts to the party? We want to make sure that

doesn’t happen, I have enough frying pans and bed sheets to last us a lifetime,

but is putting “no gifts” on the invite rude? I don’t want to seem like they

would typically be expected. 

All are fun options. The phrasing is great- 'Meet the newlyweds' is clear and the right tone. Just to be clear, for the game, you would pay for everyone's ticket, correct? Which one would you have the most fun at? 

I also have to say no one on here would judge you for wearing a dress that makes you happy. Etiquette is about making your guests comfortable and treating them like guests. So if your dress matches the formality you are asking if everyone else, you could get married in a hessian sack for all I care  

But I'm not sure about the Hen Do- if you aren't having guests, I don't think you should be having pre wedding parties. I think it's fine to have dinner with friends but maybe think about rephrasing it as girl's night. 

Casadena

I think option 1 or 2 sounds great!  However, I would say (having been to Pinstripes many times) that (IMO) 5 hours is far too long!  I would 3 at the max!  Many people can play both games at the same time and takes about an hour, then time for food and mingling...

JediElizabeth

I think you're doing everything right here.

UO: In the case of a REALLY small ceremony (literally 7 people including the bride and groom), I don't see anything wrong with a b-party. It sound much more like a co-ed affair where friends are taking you out to drinks to celebrate something, much like they would if you got a promotion or work or something, and less like an overblown b-party with a destination and pub crawl and all that. (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

As long as everyone at the b-party was clear before planning that they wouldn't be invited to the wedding, I think it's ok. Again, if the ceremony was any larger I would side-eye it, but in the friends' shoes, I don't think there's anything to be offended about here.

climbingsingle

See, this is a post wedding party I can get down with. Option 1 sounds awesome.  Go with that. I'd hope no one would bring a boxed gift to a party like that! But yes, any mention of gifts by you or your FI would be considered rude. 

Ro041

I like all the ideas, but Option 1 will probably cost SUBSTANTIALLY more than Options 2-3.  Usually, an all inclusive area at a ballpark with even limited food and alcohol will cost you $60-$100 per person.  At $100 pp, you are looking at spending $20,000.  Unless you are huge baseball fans (like me and my FI), I wouldn't dream of spending that kind of money on a ball game.

Option 2 sounds like a ton of fun.  Option 3 is "meh."

short+sassy

I think your plans sound great, with the caveat your all's friends taking you out for the bach party understand they aren't being invited to the wedding ceremony.

Nothing wrong with a cute dress, no matter how little it costs!  No one will judge you for that .  Though some might envy, lol.

I think #1 and #2 sound like a lot of fun.  I personally would like #1 better, but it's a "know your crowd" thing.  And you would definitely need to pay for everyone's ticket to the game also.  The only reason I don't think #3 sounds good is only because it is your and your FI's last choice.  Otherwise, that's a great option also.

I'm glad all the options have dessert bars.  It's fine if there is no cake, but most people like to have some kind of sweets at a celebration.

Like other PPs have mentioned, DON'T mention "no gifts" on the invites.  That is rude also, exactly for the reason you are worried about .  Just don't register anywhere.  People will get the hint.  If they ask, just tell them you don't want any gifts, you just want everyone to come out to the party.  But people like to give gifts and you'll probably still receive checks/cash in your cards.  Also, if anyone offers to throw a shower for you all, nicely turn them down.  A shower is specifically a gift giving event.   

knottieb7d15efea82ba0fb

Thank you for your input ladies, I really appreciate outside advice that doesn't include something along the lines of "Oh but honey, where are you going to put the centerpieces?" I also edited the post to add some clarifications since many of you had similar questions

mollybarker11

Option 1 sounds awesome!!! Since you've said the prices are similar across the board, baseball game gets my vote.

I think it's very generous of you to host a party to appease those relatives who want more than your super-sweet-sounding wedding! My only concern is that they will only be happy with a traditional wedding reception type event. Tell any pouters to transfer their invitation to me pls.

CMGragain

This party will not be a party of your wedding at all.  You can certainty host a party any time you wish.  It sounds fun. Just send invitation like you would for any party that you are hosting.
Your wedding plans sound lovely!  I hope you have a beautiful day!  Anyone who criticizes your plans is being very rude.  No one has a right to be invited to your wedding.

ei34

A post-wedding party is only rude when a married couple is deceiving guests and trying to pass off their post-marriage party as an actual wedding.

I'd nix option 3, it sounds like something that's not really you, just something to appease your mom and FMIL.  Personally I'd go with option 1, since I love baseball and hate bowling, but either sounds great.

And ditto @JediElizabeth  I see no problem with the Bach party either.  I have two friends that had a very small wedding- them, their parents and siblings, nine people total- city hall and lunch at a restaurant to follow.  A group of us friends took them out for drinks the weekend before.  There were no strippers or penis toys or hot pink bachelorette sashes or anything; just a group of friends celebrating at a nice bar.  As long as it's not a gift-giving event, I see no harm in celebrating something nice, even if it involves guests not invited to the wedding.

aurianna

Am I the only one that thinks you should take the hidden option #4:
Don't spend potentially thousands of dollars on a party you have no strong desire to throw when you could save that money and use it for a vacation, a car, a house, tuition, retirement, whatever the heck you want, etc...

You are a far better person than I because I would not spend that much of my own money just to placate family members that are out of joint about something that is not their decision or their business.

MissMidtown

I love option 1. I have done a few events at our baseball stadium. I have done suites of max 50 people and we had to get tickets to the attendees in advance. Is it possible the stadium can keep a list of attendees to allow them entrance? How would that be handled?