I have lots of feels this afternoon

cowgirl8238

I don't really have a question so much as I want need to share.  My DH works in a small department of a much larger quasi-state run agency.  His immediate supervisor is a 53 woman who oversees him and about 4 other men directly (and about 7 other people indirectly).  She regularly will text them messages to their personal phones as a group conversation and is also facebook friends with them. They are a relatively open group of coworkers that goof around both on and off the clock.

This morning I was carpooling to work with my DH when his phone message chime went off repeatedly (about 10 times).  I looked over to him and commented "wow you're popular" and he then said, "eh its probably just [boss] sending something."  He then handed over his phone to show me.  In the message was multiple pictures of women in lingerie showing off their assets (front and back). I handed him back his phone and asked him if she always does this.  He said its a Wednesday / Friday thing but he never keeps the photos on his phone.

I just don't know how to feel.  Part of me doesn't care, I trust him to behave himself and I know he wouldn't do anything.  But part of me is really bothered by all this.  I know it is unprofessional on her part (that's obvious), and he said he would tell her to stop if I wanted him to...but he obviously enjoys the eye-candy since this has been ongoing for what is apparently some time.  I guess I might be a bit insecure in all of this too, but I can't be the only one who thinks this a bad idea.

Anyway, thanks for listening (reading!)

VarunaTT

banana468

His BOSS sent this to him!?!?  

It's not a "in the feels" issue.   This is piss poor office behavior - in a STATE run job? 

Yeah, it's not that he needs to get these off his phone.   He needs to be clear that this is not appropriate at all.  If he uses his phone for work and this a message from a colleague, he could find himself in the unemployment line or worse. 

MissKittyDanger

This just sounds inappropriate ....

I mean great that you trust him, but honestly it's not his part that I'd be upset about - that's just weird.

I'm in a small office, and there's only females {legit including myself there 3 in this office, and 6 between the two offices in our city} so we're close. After my boss got reduction surgery, she'd ask weird things like if her boobs/bra looks okay {swelling, etc} and it wasn't weird because female to female conversation {yes we're a close group}

BUT she would never send that via text, or if any of us felt uncomfortable with it then wouldn't continue.

levioosa

Well, this is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Ditto PPs. I'd be pretty bothered by this. 

climbingsingle

This is all kinds of wrong. Holy jeez. And I think I'd be more concerned with my husband's nonchalant attitude about it, as if this kind of correspondence is OK. Jesus lord. This is not good.  

MissKittyDanger

levioosa said:

Well, this is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Ditto PPs. I'd be pretty bothered by this. 

Right!? Text wrong person about this and shit could hit the fan!

cowgirl8238

MissKittyDanger said:

levioosa said:

Well, this is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Ditto PPs. I'd be pretty bothered by this. 

Right!? Text wrong person about this and shit could hit the fan!

I agree completely...and maybe this is what has been bothering me about it too.  To be clear it is his personal phone (nothing company issued) but that seems like so irrelevant in the bigger picture.

banana468

cowgirl8238 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

levioosa said:

Well, this is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. Ditto PPs. I'd be pretty bothered by this. 

Right!? Text wrong person about this and shit could hit the fan!

I agree completely...and maybe this is what has been bothering me about it too.  To be clear it is his personal phone (nothing company issued) but that seems like so irrelevant in the bigger picture.

If he routinely uses his personal phone for company business that's a bigger issue.

But regardless, he shouldn't be so nonchalant about this.   It's a lawsuit and a lack of paycheck waiting to happen.

charlotte989875

No, no, no, no. So many problems with this...

1) Work--she's his superior and she's way, way inappropriate here. Does anyone send photos back to her; is it a back and forth thing? Either way she, and anyone who sends photos back is asking for a harassment suit. I'm shocked he's so okay with this. If he's never sent anything back he should be documenting that if anything comes back on him. Also,

2) Personal-- I would be livid if H acted so blasé about his superior at work, or any woman TBH, sending him photos of scantily clad women. His oldest friends don't even do this. 

On the work work front he needs to protect himself, screenshot his non-involvement in the threads, get out of the group messages. Does he have an HR dept or ombudsman; I'd think it would be better for him to come forward than to wait for it to come out. This stuff always does. 

On the personal side, that sucks and it's definitely not something I'd be cool with. I know you didn't ask for advice, but unsolicited I would say you guys should have a conversation about what you're feeling. 

bleve0821

PPs have touched on the professional aspect of this, so I won't harp on that.  

But.I don't understand how you can say you still trust your H when he has obviously kept this from you for an extended period of time.  He's looking at pictures of his coworkers in their underwear.  These are women he sees and interacts with everyday--he probably sees more of them during the week than he sees you.

This isn't porn, or anonymous strippers.  These are people he knows.  And he kept that from you, and now he's downplaying it now that you've found out.

If I were in your shoes, my trust with DH would be severely damaged.

redwoodoriginal

atomicblonde said:

PPs have touched on the professional aspect of this, so I won't harp on that.  

But.I don't understand how you can say you still trust your H when he has obviously kept this from you for an extended period of time.  He's looking at pictures of his coworkers in their underwear.  These are women he sees and interacts with everyday--he probably sees more of them during the week than he sees you.

This isn't porn, or anonymous strippers.  These are people he knows.  And he kept that from you, and now he's downplaying it now that you've found out.

If I were in your shoes, my trust with DH would be severely damaged.

My understanding of her post is that the pics are not of his coworkers. Just random scantily clad women.

 His boss is the only woman and everyone else in the group message is a dude. 

bleve0821

redwoodoriginal said:

atomicblonde said:

PPs have touched on the professional aspect of this, so I won't harp on that.  

But.I don't understand how you can say you still trust your H when he has obviously kept this from you for an extended period of time.  He's looking at pictures of his coworkers in their underwear.  These are women he sees and interacts with everyday--he probably sees more of them during the week than he sees you.

This isn't porn, or anonymous strippers.  These are people he knows.  And he kept that from you, and now he's downplaying it now that you've found out.

If I were in your shoes, my trust with DH would be severely damaged.

My understanding of her post is that the pics are not of his coworkers. Just random scantily clad women.

 His boss is the only woman and everyone else in the group message is a dude. 

Okay, then I misunderstood. I take back everything I said about trust, if that's the case.  

lovesclimbing

Yea, I'd have a serious problem with this beyond the issue of it being inappropriate among coworkers. 

I guess it depends on what you're ok with in your marriage, but I'm not ok with my H getting those sorts of photos, and we would have to have a serious conversation if he started getting photos like that and didn't immediately shut it down. I know he would, but if he didn't, it would mean he wasn't the man I thought he was. 

cowgirl8238

charlotte989875 said:

No, no, no, no. So many problems with this...

1) Work--she's his superior and she's way, way inappropriate here. Does anyone send photos back to her; is it a back and forth thing? Either way she, and anyone who sends photos back is asking for a harassment suit. I'm shocked he's so okay with this. If he's never sent anything back he should be documenting that if anything comes back on him. Also,

2) Personal-- I would be livid if H acted so blasé about his superior at work, or any woman TBH, sending him photos of scantily clad women. His oldest friends don't even do this. 

On the work work front he needs to protect himself, screenshot his non-involvement in the threads, get out of the group messages. Does he have an HR dept or ombudsman; I'd think it would be better for him to come forward than to wait for it to come out. This stuff always does. 

On the personal side, that sucks and it's definitely not something I'd be cool with. I know you didn't ask for advice, but unsolicited I would say you guys should have a conversation about what you're feeling. 

Thanks for advice, I agree a conversation needs to be had.  At first I didn't think too much of it, but it is bothering me...

On the whole HR thing, I agree its a bad, BAD idea.  We had not all that long ago a porn-gate here with work emails.  I think he just didn't think it through very well.  His attitude can be frustrating at times but if I can stay rational he will listen.

cowgirl8238

atomicblonde said:

redwoodoriginal said:

atomicblonde said:

PPs have touched on the professional aspect of this, so I won't harp on that.  

But.I don't understand how you can say you still trust your H when he has obviously kept this from you for an extended period of time.  He's looking at pictures of his coworkers in their underwear.  These are women he sees and interacts with everyday--he probably sees more of them during the week than he sees you.

This isn't porn, or anonymous strippers.  These are people he knows.  And he kept that from you, and now he's downplaying it now that you've found out.

If I were in your shoes, my trust with DH would be severely damaged.

My understanding of her post is that the pics are not of his coworkers. Just random scantily clad women.

 His boss is the only woman and everyone else in the group message is a dude. 

Okay, then I misunderstood. I take back everything I said about trust, if that's the case.  

Yes its of random models and she is the only female participating.  In general we are okay with each other looking at photos/porn.  I don't usually partake unless he's away for an extended period of time.  I guess this falls in a "gray area" to him, but I am dissapointed that he didn't stop this sooner.  I only found out because I asked.  I mean he didn't hide it in any way, but I am upset he didn't think to stop it.  We will be having a convo about this later.  I think he will understand, of course if he doesn't that is a whole 'nother thing.

charlotte989875

cowgirl8238 said:

atomicblonde said:

redwoodoriginal said:

atomicblonde said:

PPs have touched on the professional aspect of this, so I won't harp on that.  

But.I don't understand how you can say you still trust your H when he has obviously kept this from you for an extended period of time.  He's looking at pictures of his coworkers in their underwear.  These are women he sees and interacts with everyday--he probably sees more of them during the week than he sees you.

This isn't porn, or anonymous strippers.  These are people he knows.  And he kept that from you, and now he's downplaying it now that you've found out.

If I were in your shoes, my trust with DH would be severely damaged.

My understanding of her post is that the pics are not of his coworkers. Just random scantily clad women.

 His boss is the only woman and everyone else in the group message is a dude. 

Okay, then I misunderstood. I take back everything I said about trust, if that's the case.  

Yes its of random models and she is the only female participating.  In general we are okay with each other looking at photos/porn.  I don't usually partake unless he's away for an extended period of time.  I guess this falls in a "gray area" to him, but I am dissapointed that he didn't stop this sooner.  I only found out because I asked.  I mean he didn't hide it in any way, but I am upset he didn't think to stop it.  We will be having a convo about this later.  I think he will understand, of course if he doesn't that is a whole 'nother thing.

For me (us?) porn would be so different than someone texting him photos. H watches porn; sometimes with me, sometimes without. For me this is, I don't know, different because someone is sending it to him?

LondonLisa

It's not just a matter of boss and your H, but rather that your H can get fired for this as well. All it takes is one of the other people in the group text or another colleague to bring a lawsuit, and your H is guilty of creating a hostile work environment. Especially if he has participated. It's just not smart.

Also, government agency? Not sure how it is in the US, but in the U.K., even if it's a personal phone, if you use it for any business comms, it is subject to freedom of information regulations. 

He needs to back away and detangle himself from this, fast! Not because of the porn thing (that's a separate marriage issue), but the fact that he could be named and implicated in a  workplace 'porn ring'. How does that sound when trying to get a reference for another job, let alone being named and shamed in the newspaper of this gets out?!

flantastic

But, like... why? Why is this a thing, Wednesday/Friday or otherwise?

charlotte989875

LondonLisa said:

Also, government agency? Not sure how it is in the US, but in the U.K., even if it's a personal phone, if you use it for any business comms, it is subject to freedom of information regulations. 

This is pretty similar in the US. I work for a State university and faculty members can (and have) had their personal emails and messages FOIA'ed (our Freedom of Information Act) so it's certainly plausible that even though it's on a personal device it can be requested. 

GBCK

charlotte989875 said:

LondonLisa said:

Also, government agency? Not sure how it is in the US, but in the U.K., even if it's a personal phone, if you use it for any business comms, it is subject to freedom of information regulations. 

This is pretty similar in the US. I work for a State university and faculty members can (and have) had their personal emails and messages FOIA'ed (our Freedom of Information Act) so it's certainly plausible that even though it's on a personal device it can be requested. 

Yup.
I assume anyone can FOIA anything I do anywhere, w/ my jobs.

southernbelle0915

flantastic said:

But, like... why? Why is this a thing, Wednesday/Friday or otherwise?

EXACTLY THIS. So this happens on 2 of the 5 work days during the week? So 40% of the work work, there is soft porn being exchanged between supervisors and subordinates?! Without even touching the lack of professionalism, this office culture sound degrading to women and super sexually charged/frustrated.

Honestly, my mind initially goes to anonymously reporting it. If nothing else because my tax dollars are funding people googling soft porn instead of working... Most companies, even state run ones, have an Ethics/Integrity hotline. But I know it's your H and, without knowing more details (like does he respond with pics), I know your first concern is whether he would get in trouble.

climbingsingle

I also don't understand why this is a thing they do. I mean, this isn't even something my H and his friends do? This is so odd. And wrong. And bizarre. 

I have no problem with my H looking at porn. He can look at it as much as he wants. But this, I would have an enormous problem with, especially if he participated in it too. He can lose his job! 

Did you guys talk further about it this weekend??

southernbelle0915

climbingwife said:

I also don't understand why this is a thing they do. I mean, this isn't even something my H and his friends do? This is so odd. And wrong. And bizarre. 

I have no problem with my H looking at porn. He can look at it as much as he wants. But this, I would have an enormous problem with, especially if he participated in it too. He can lose his job! 

Did you guys talk further about it this weekend??

To the bolded - exactly! Once you get married, I feel like it's not just a "you do you" thing anymore. There's usually shared accountability and responsibility for certain costs, so you're not just keeping your job for you anymore, it's about the other person.

cowgirl8238

UPDATE: Sorry yesterday was super busy at work and I didn't get a chance to post this... 

We had a discussion on Saturday morning about the whole thing.  He clarified that his boss is the only one sending things out (all on her personal phone before "work hours".  He said he never replies, but I countered that I still don't think it is appropriate (like at all) and that he needs to tell her to stop sending things like this to him.  I think he was afraid to say something to her and "rock the boat" so he was going with the "ignore and hope it stops approach." Ugh...he can be so...anti-conflict sometimes.  I also shared the insights of how he could be turned in/caught and it seemed to be a light bulb moment for him.   

I want to thank you ladies so much for your wisdom/concerns as it helped me to better formulate why it was bothering me and to make it clear to him that he could, indeed get in trouble/fired/screwed for life.  That and I added in a little, my boss is a guy how would you feel if he sent pictures of half naked men to my phone? 

NiceKindaSpice

I'm so glad you were able to get through to him.
I sure am curious about what justified this in the boss's mind. 

DrillSergeantCat

NiceKindaSpice said:

I'm so glad you were able to get through to him.
I sure am curious about what justified this in the boss's mind. 

My guess is that she's trying to fit in. 

levioosa

DrillSergeantCat said:

NiceKindaSpice said:

I'm so glad you were able to get through to him.
I sure am curious about what justified this in the boss's mind. 

My guess is that she's trying to fit in. 

That was my guess too. Even if it's a misguided attempt to "be one of the guys" a supervisor should be smart enough to recognize that it's an unprofessional and dangerous practice.