Moms and Maids

*Rant* Incredibly irritating MIL situation

edited May 2017 in Moms and Maids
Next month my fiance and I will have been together for 5 years. It's something that we're excited about and with our wedding 8 months away we're just enjoying so much about this year. Well, my fiance's brother recently started dating (at the end of last year I think) a girl in a different town and they visit a lot. It's actually nothing about her, she's a nice girl and I'm genuinely glad they're happy. What's driving me nuts is the obvious favoritism she has with her children and how this is extending to their SOs. To avoid making this too long, what irritated me the most is she tried to implement a rule a couple years back that my fiance and I couldn't sit together at their house or hold hands because it made everyone "uncomfortable" (we never kiss in front of them to be polite and I don't hang on him around his family). We refused to follow this rule and stopped coming  over and they eventually caved but it's obvious they still don't like it when we stand too close too each other. Well, she's seems to really like his brothers gf and has NO problem with the kissing or hugging, holding hands or sitting together when it's them. For my fiance's birthday they invited his brother and new gf to have dinner with us. A few weeks later around his brothers birthday we were explicitly told we would not be invited to attend. There are so many other things she's pulled but I think this one hurt my fiance the most and it's really making me angry that she can't just treat him equally. His dad seems to be on board with our wedding and as always been kind to me, even when we disagree. He's to the point where he does things for the wedding behind his wife's back. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable and oddly jealous that his mom is being so supportive of them but not us. Does anyone else have issues with their soon to be MILs?

Re: *Rant* Incredibly irritating MIL situation

  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.


  • No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.


    I don't even know what acceptable advice for a situation like this would be! It just sucks and I know my fiance was hurt by it. He's worked so hard, he has a great job with good benefits and great pay and privileges and we live in a nice apartment. we're finally getting married and she's constantly telling him how much better his older brother is (works at a local restaurant, has several roommates, typical 20-something guy right? ect.) Not that his brother isn't doing okay for himself, it's just that I fail to see how he's doing better than us.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers






    No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.




    I don't even know what acceptable advice for a situation like this would be! It just sucks and I know my fiance was hurt by it. He's worked so hard, he has a great job with good benefits and great pay and privileges and we live in a nice apartment. we're finally getting married and she's constantly telling him how much better his older brother is (works at a local restaurant, has several roommates, typical 20-something guy right? ect.) Not that his brother isn't doing okay for himself, it's just that I fail to see how he's doing better than us.


    Suggestions:
    Let go of anything that happened in the past.

    Try to ignore the obvious attempts from MIL to goad you.  Taking the high road, or ignoring her, helps you but will probably bug the bejeezus out of her.  I always consider that a win-win. 

    Although her behavior saddens your FI, I can't believe it is new behavior.  He needs to try and separate himself from her deliberate attempts to diminish him.  You and your FI need to come to some agreements now as to how, and when to "handle" her and her comments.  This behavior will only continue with additional life changes (your/their kids, etc.).  You and your FI need to focus on your impending nuclear family.  Concentrate on YOUR goals, and your happiness, and do not compare it to anyone else. 

    Do not discuss any more wedding or daily events with her. Put her on a "need to know" basis when it comes to your life.  My guess is that you will find there is little for her to know.

    Find a venting friend.  I have friends/relatives to whom I can safely spew/rant/rave/vent in a "cleansing" type of way, which then allows me to move forward.  We know we are not looking necessarily for resolve or advice, but just a way to get things off our chest.
    OurWildKingdomernursejSP29
  • We've had her in a need to know basis for about three years now, with just life things.

    We do listen to house rules when in other people's houses, but it was obvious the goal was to isolate me from the conversation/activity after one visit. We put our foot down because I wasn't hanging on him or even touching him. They realized we were serious when we didn't go to Thanksgiving dinner at their house and his dad even admits that there wasn't a legitimate reason behind. It was just him mom trying to get between us, which she used to do a lot more when we were younger. 

    I don't talk about his mom to him for that reason. I don't want him to feel like he's picking sides. But it is frustrating when she texts us and he's loosing his cool because she's calling us both names as well as making some pretty serious claims about us that I know to be false. I watched this situation with my parents and my grandma. I know we can get through it. In all seriousness I think she may have a mental illness that's contributing to this behavior.

    I always hoped I have a relationship with my MIL like my mom had with my other grandma, but obviously that isn't gonna happen. It's crazy to me that she'll say she likes me to my face but then the next day text my FH that I'm just trying to trap him and all I want is his money and to get pregnant..I just try to let it go and remember that this isn't my fault. I've been nothing but nice to her.
  • OP, your situation sucks, and I think people have given you some great advice/perspective.  I just wanted to add that my friend married the "least favorite child," and he's worked hard to change the way he reacts to his family.  He and my friend will be the only family not invited to birthdays and get-togethers with the rest of the family, the whole rest of the family treats him like dirt, and yet he's always the one his parents call when they need help.  Previously, he'd bent over backwards to help them even though he had other siblings who lived closer and would be better able to help.  Now, he'll refuse to help if it's an inconvenience to him (this is not major help, it's like asking him to drive 1/2 hour away to help put groceries inside or other little tasks).  I think his family treats him more civilly now that he's set boundaries with them, but he's still the black sheep (and honestly he's the only decent human being out of the whole bunch).  Here's wishing you and FI the best.
  • Thanks ladies! I think your right and I might approach my fiance about seeing if him and his dad can set boundaries. 

    I can't even begin to tell you how often they've called us for help with stuff. They own a small business and when he lived with them (all the way back in highschool) we used to go shopping for the store for them. When we moved out of town and in together they tried to have us go shopping for them still, but wouldn't even give us enough for gas to get there and back. It was rediculous so we just told them no.
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