*Rant* Incredibly irritating MIL situation

Christmasbride2017

Next month my fiance and I will have been together for 5 years. It's something that we're excited about and with our wedding 8 months away we're just enjoying so much about this year. Well, my fiance's brother recently started dating (at the end of last year I think) a girl in a different town and they visit a lot. It's actually nothing about her, she's a nice girl and I'm genuinely glad they're happy. What's driving me nuts is the obvious favoritism she has with her children and how this is extending to their SOs. To avoid making this too long, what irritated me the most is she tried to implement a rule a couple years back that my fiance and I couldn't sit together at their house or hold hands because it made everyone "uncomfortable" (we never kiss in front of them to be polite and I don't hang on him around his family). We refused to follow this rule and stopped coming  over and they eventually caved but it's obvious they still don't like it when we stand too close too each other. Well, she's seems to really like his brothers gf and has NO problem with the kissing or hugging, holding hands or sitting together when it's them. For my fiance's birthday they invited his brother and new gf to have dinner with us. A few weeks later around his brothers birthday we were explicitly told we would not be invited to attend. There are so many other things she's pulled but I think this one hurt my fiance the most and it's really making me angry that she can't just treat him equally. His dad seems to be on board with our wedding and as always been kind to me, even when we disagree. He's to the point where he does things for the wedding behind his wife's back. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable and oddly jealous that his mom is being so supportive of them but not us. Does anyone else have issues with their soon to be MILs?

OurWildKingdom

No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.

Christmasbride2017

OurWildKingdom said:

No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.

I don't even know what acceptable advice for a situation like this would be! It just sucks and I know my fiance was hurt by it. He's worked so hard, he has a great job with good benefits and great pay and privileges and we live in a nice apartment. we're finally getting married and she's constantly telling him how much better his older brother is (works at a local restaurant, has several roommates, typical 20-something guy right? ect.) Not that his brother isn't doing okay for himself, it's just that I fail to see how he's doing better than us.

lovesclimbing

Christmasbride2017 said:

Next month my fiance and I will have been together for 5 years. It's something that we're excited about and with our wedding 8 months away we're just enjoying so much about this year. Well, my fiance's brother recently started dating (at the end of last year I think) a girl in a different town and they visit a lot. It's actually nothing about her, she's a nice girl and I'm genuinely glad they're happy. What's driving me nuts is the obvious favoritism she has with her children and how this is extending to their SOs. To avoid making this too long, what irritated me the most is she tried to implement a rule a couple years back that my fiance and I couldn't sit together at their house or hold hands because it made everyone "uncomfortable" (we never kiss in front of them to be polite and I don't hang on him around his family). We refused to follow this rule and stopped coming  over and they eventually caved but it's obvious they still don't like it when we stand too close too each other. Well, she's seems to really like his brothers gf and has NO problem with the kissing or hugging, holding hands or sitting together when it's them. For my fiance's birthday they invited his brother and new gf to have dinner with us. A few weeks later around his brothers birthday we were explicitly told we would not be invited to attend. There are so many other things she's pulled but I think this one hurt my fiance the most and it's really making me angry that she can't just treat him equally. His dad seems to be on board with our wedding and as always been kind to me, even when we disagree. He's to the point where he does things for the wedding behind his wife's back. The whole situation makes me uncomfortable and oddly jealous that his mom is being so supportive of them but not us. Does anyone else have issues with their soon to be MILs?

Christmasbride2017 said:

OurWildKingdom said:

No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.

I don't even know what acceptable advice for a situation like this would be! It just sucks and I know my fiance was hurt by it. He's worked so hard, he has a great job with good benefits and great pay and privileges and we live in a nice apartment. we're finally getting married and she's constantly telling him how much better his older brother is (works at a local restaurant, has several roommates, typical 20-something guy right? ect.) Not that his brother isn't doing okay for himself, it's just that I fail to see how he's doing better than us.

If your fiancé is hurt and by his mother's actions, it's really something either he needs to ignore or  he needs to bring up with her. You bringing it up or getting in the middle (not saying you are!) will probably not help matters. All you can really do is support him and perhaps be a sounding board if he's preparing for how to talk to his mom. 

Regarding the hand holding in her house, while I do think that's a silly rule, it is her/her and his father's home, so you really ought to obey the rules they set while you're in their home. I'm glad she seems to have backed off on that. 

LondonLisa

It's rubbish, it really is. But just another perspective: I have a good friend who is definitely treated as not the favourite child. It's petty, little things like you mentioned that are extremely hurtful. She is working on her relationship with her parents, but what makes her feel even worse is when her husband has a go at her parents (obviously not in front of them). 

She mentioned that she knows her parents are wrong but she is trying to practice 'I can't change you but I can change my reaction to you'. She knows it is probably a power thing, so she is trying to not have things affect her to take away the power. But when her husband gets defensive and frustrated of how they treat her, she feels attacked as well. She feels like a failure there too. 

She has had to explicitly say to her H that she doesn't want to talk about it unless she brings it up, and if she does she just wants understanding validation, not anger towards them or suggested solutions. 

My suggestion is to follow this. Don't talk about it unless Fi brings it up. And then just listen and pepper the conversation with: 'that must have been hurtful,' 'I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this' and 'well I, and all our friends know how wonderful you are. Let's order in from your fav restaurant/ open a nice bottle of wine/ something that makes him cheer up'. 

Your job job is to support him and build him up. It's going to be a slog, but just try to validate and reassure. 

MobKaz

Christmasbride2017 said:

OurWildKingdom said:

No advice, but that's got to hurt. I'm so sorry.

I don't even know what acceptable advice for a situation like this would be! It just sucks and I know my fiance was hurt by it. He's worked so hard, he has a great job with good benefits and great pay and privileges and we live in a nice apartment. we're finally getting married and she's constantly telling him how much better his older brother is (works at a local restaurant, has several roommates, typical 20-something guy right? ect.) Not that his brother isn't doing okay for himself, it's just that I fail to see how he's doing better than us.

Suggestions:
Let go of anything that happened in the past.

Try to ignore the obvious attempts from MIL to goad you.  Taking the high road, or ignoring her, helps you but will probably bug the bejeezus out of her.  I always consider that a win-win. 

Although her behavior saddens your FI, I can't believe it is new behavior.  He needs to try and separate himself from her deliberate attempts to diminish him.  You and your FI need to come to some agreements now as to how, and when to "handle" her and her comments.  This behavior will only continue with additional life changes (your/their kids, etc.).  You and your FI need to focus on your impending nuclear family.  Concentrate on YOUR goals, and your happiness, and do not compare it to anyone else. 

Do not discuss any more wedding or daily events with her. Put her on a "need to know" basis when it comes to your life.  My guess is that you will find there is little for her to know.

Find a venting friend.  I have friends/relatives to whom I can safely spew/rant/rave/vent in a "cleansing" type of way, which then allows me to move forward.  We know we are not looking necessarily for resolve or advice, but just a way to get things off our chest.

Christmasbride2017

We've had her in a need to know basis for about three years now, with just life things.

We do listen to house rules when in other people's houses, but it was obvious the goal was to isolate me from the conversation/activity after one visit. We put our foot down because I wasn't hanging on him or even touching him. They realized we were serious when we didn't go to Thanksgiving dinner at their house and his dad even admits that there wasn't a legitimate reason behind. It was just him mom trying to get between us, which she used to do a lot more when we were younger. 

I don't talk about his mom to him for that reason. I don't want him to feel like he's picking sides. But it is frustrating when she texts us and he's loosing his cool because she's calling us both names as well as making some pretty serious claims about us that I know to be false. I watched this situation with my parents and my grandma. I know we can get through it. In all seriousness I think she may have a mental illness that's contributing to this behavior.

I always hoped I have a relationship with my MIL like my mom had with my other grandma, but obviously that isn't gonna happen. It's crazy to me that she'll say she likes me to my face but then the next day text my FH that I'm just trying to trap him and all I want is his money and to get pregnant..I just try to let it go and remember that this isn't my fault. I've been nothing but nice to her.

Jen4948

I think your FI should get together with his dad and together with him set some boundaries for how you are to be treated.

I think it's fair to insist that if his mother doesn't want you two to show any physical affection for each other in her house but wants you to be there while his brother and GF are there, the rule has to be uniformly applied or else you and your FI won't come. Same with all other rules where she's playing favorites. Otherwise, you two won't go to her house.

Beyond that, I agree with PPs that nothing should be discussed with her, wedding-related or otherwise, that she doesn't absolutely need to know.

missfrodo

OP, your situation sucks, and I think people have given you some great advice/perspective.  I just wanted to add that my friend married the "least favorite child," and he's worked hard to change the way he reacts to his family.  He and my friend will be the only family not invited to birthdays and get-togethers with the rest of the family, the whole rest of the family treats him like dirt, and yet he's always the one his parents call when they need help.  Previously, he'd bent over backwards to help them even though he had other siblings who lived closer and would be better able to help.  Now, he'll refuse to help if it's an inconvenience to him (this is not major help, it's like asking him to drive 1/2 hour away to help put groceries inside or other little tasks).  I think his family treats him more civilly now that he's set boundaries with them, but he's still the black sheep (and honestly he's the only decent human being out of the whole bunch).  Here's wishing you and FI the best.

Christmasbride2017

Thanks ladies! I think your right and I might approach my fiance about seeing if him and his dad can set boundaries. 

I can't even begin to tell you how often they've called us for help with stuff. They own a small business and when he lived with them (all the way back in highschool) we used to go shopping for the store for them. When we moved out of town and in together they tried to have us go shopping for them still, but wouldn't even give us enough for gas to get there and back. It was rediculous so we just told them no.

southernbelle0915

This happens with my H's family. They so obviously favor his sister vs him and her FI vs. me. Without getting into a lot of detail, it's basically punishment for us living several states away and sister/FI living on a few hours away. It manifests itself in us inviting them on trips, them declining and then taking exactly that trip with sister/FI (paying for everyone); them berating H for "abandoning" his family"; telling him he should move back (leave me, I guess); them telling us we ruin holidays by not visiting (we have a baby and alternate holidays with my family); etc. They try to drive a wedge between us by basically framing his as "it wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't settled down with southernbelle". 

H has tried talking with them - like more times than I can count over the last 7 years. They have gotten slightly better, but the bar was objectively very low. Just to level-set your expectations, don't expect this to improve with one conversation.

At first, I was all pissed off because of how it affected me and the implications they make regarding me. But first and foremost, it's incredibly hurtful to my H.  I've noticed that they have a harder time driving that wedge when I just simply support him when these things happen. Like "I'm sure it really hurts to not be invited for birthday dinner. I'm here if you want to talk about it. Let's go out and do something fun that night. My treat." By addressing his feelings and providing a supportive/understanding/fun alternative (instead of ranting and raving about how shitty it is), our relationship is stronger than ever.

MairePoppy

Does your FBIL know you aren't invited to his birthday party? 

You and fi should try to forge a relationship with FBIL and his fi so FMIL won't be able to sideline you two. Could you and fi take them out for a birthday dinner? 

I had lifelong issues with my MIL. She preferred her nephew's wife over me and made constant comments and comparisons that were hurtful. My best revenge was becoming close friends with my 'nemesis.' It annoyed the hell out my MIL that we got along so well.