Moms and Maids

Former? Bridesmaid

Hi everyone! I've been a lurker here for a million (give or take) years. I was asked to be a bridesmaid by a friend late last year, and now I think I'm not in the wedding? This is mainly going to be a rant, I'm not even going to pretend it's not, but I do want to know if I was in the wrong for any of this? 
I'll start at the beginning. The bride and I have been friends since elementary school (we're both now early 20s). We lived close to each other, spent a lot of time together. We grew apart toward the end of high school, and she did something that was absolutely terrible to me and I haven't really forgiven her, but that's a long story. We've mostly mended our relationship, but aren't really as close as we once were. 
She got engaged late last year, and set a date for Oct 2018. She then made a facebook group message and said "Hey! Everyone in this group is a bridesmaid and I'll pick maid of honor later!" Cool, I don't mind facebook messages, I was at an internship states away anyway, but this just felt..wrong. What if someone had wanted to say no? Now they had to be publicly removed from the group. I'm not saying to give me a cute "proposal" but call me or text me privately? 
She then started planning everything. Saying stuff like "I want you all to get to know each other and my bachelorette party is going to be *theme*" She wanted to go to a premiere of a movie for her bachelorette party. The movie she picked came out in March, with her wedding not until 2018. 1. Brides don't get to demand parties in their honor, so I was miffed. 2. I already had plans for that premiere (I'm a little odd when it comes to Disney movies, but I've got practically a ritual down), and I really didn't want to spend it with a bunch of people I didn't know. 3. It was SUCH short notice. We ended up doing nothing because everyone had plans. 
Then the time for dresses came. She kept trying to get us to go dress shopping, but the wedding wasn't until 2018, so I steered her away. Well, now the wedding is Oct 2017. She never asked for anyone's budget. We're all poor college students, (except her, and she has a normal mon-fri job), and can't really afford much. She said that her friend (a newly added bridesmaid, she had recently lost her second maid of honor and this girl was added, ugh) was going to make the dresses for us and we just had to pay for fabric. I don't know this girl, her work, don't have time for extra fittings, and would have to pay more because I'm bigger. She got mad at us when we spoke up about it. Then she agreed to get dresses in a store. When I told her what I could spend (and I found many dresses online for much less) I was told that there weren't any dresses in her color in that budget (she had recently changed the colors to something obscure), and basically bullied me into raising it. Then, suddenly says "I need your money and sizes by X so I can order the dresses for you," which was in 3 weeks and I'm really struggling. I said that I would order my dress at a later date, to which I was told that the salon said this was the last possible date and if I didn't do it by then I couldn't be in the wedding. Which is normal, but not on such short notice! There are other stores (David's Bridal, Nordstrom, etc) where we could get dresses in no time! So now I'm not sure if I'm a bridesmaid anymore, because there's no way that's happening. 

Also, last I heard, her mother was catering (she owns a restaurant, and which I mentioned she should consider someone else so her mom could enjoy the wedding) and a mutual friend is filming the wedding. My roommate is the maid of honor, and I can't bring anything up because she just yells at me that "not everyone can afford some formal affair," though she did back me up on the dresses. 

That felt good to get out, OMG. 

Re: Former? Bridesmaid

  • You may have dodged a bullet. It will be better for you if you're not involved with this wedding. It does suck that you have to tread carefully with your roommate since she's not on the same page as you.
  • Seriously, she sounds terrible. Why would you still want to be in that fiasco?

    Has the dress deadline passed? If you can't afford it/don't want to pay it I would tell her it's not in the budget that you gave her and you can't afford the dress. If she "kicks you out" that's on her, not you. 

    But, yah she sounds like a terrible friend. 
    InLoveInQueensLadyLawliet95[Deleted User]sparklepants41
  • You are absolutely correct for all the reasons you are irritated and think this is poor etiquette.  Because it is.

    Honestly, I'd just "bow" out of this "honor" and take yourself out of the WP.  It's just beginning and I'm getting a "whiff" there are going to be a lot of "just shut up and pay for X,Y,Z" moments.  You don't have to give an excuse but, if you want to, I'd just say something like, "Thank you so much for asking me!  But I just can't financially swing the BM dress you have chosen and I think it is better if I step down."

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So....why are you friends with her again?  I'd officially back out of the wedding and then enjoy that day at your favorite Mexican place with a real friend and some amazing margaritas.  Unless you want to attend the wedding, of course. 

    LadyLawliet95[Deleted User]
  • Get out of and away from this wedding and get this woman out of your life. Seriously. Life's too short for this crap.
  • mollybarker11mollybarker11 member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited May 2017

    Yikes she sounds like a piece of work. So many thoughts.

    1. Did she perhaps intend for the movie to be an "everyone get to know each other" outing? It still sucks to give everyone such short notice, but it's way less bonkers than throwing her own bachelorette party a year and a half before her wedding.

    2. You said the Dressmaker BM replaced the "Second MOH" when the bride lost(?) her. Does this title mean the bride had two MOHs and lost one of them? Or did she lose her first MOH, replace her with someone, and then lose the second one too? What is going on here?!

    3. The whole "You can only get a dress in this exact colour so it must come from this exact shop at this exact time" is bullshit. She chose a dress outside the budget you provided her, therefore she effectively kicked you out of the wedding. I would not make any pretence of bowing out yourself, this jerk kicked you out and it should be known.

    4. As for her mom catering and her friend filming, yeah it can be a bad idea to have guests work your wedding but I don't see this as too big a deal. Not big enough to mention to a bridezilla or those in her camp anyway.

    Be glad you're out! Kinda hope you get to stay in the group chat and relay the nonsense that comes out in the next few months...

  • levioosa said:

    So....why are you friends with her again?  I'd officially back out of the wedding and then enjoy that day at your favorite Mexican place with a real friend and some amazing margaritas.  Unless you want to attend the wedding, of course. 

    Margaritas sound amazing! Honestly that sounds like a better time anyway. 
    [Deleted User]Heffalumpsparklepants41levioosa
  • She's a peach. Glad that you're free!
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Run! Run far away! Be glad you dodged this bullet. So many rude behaviours...
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